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For Chu Sangwoo, comfort was often found in the mundane, everyday things.
He found peace in rhythm and patterns, order and structure.
It wasn't that he was afraid of new things, or unwillingly bound to his ways.
It was just easier this way.
Jang Jaeyoung was a small ripple in the otherwise calm sea of Sangwoo's existence.
Seemingly small and inconsequential, but with the potential of growing stronger and taking over control, turning into a storm.
But, as it turned out, the entrance of Jaeyoung into his life was nothing like the tsunami he expected. He had prepared himself to be thrown off balance, to have to adjust, to lose control.
Yet, it was nothing like that at all. The tiny ripple turned into a big wave, yes, but one that provided a welcome cool embrace on a hot summer's day.
Except this wave didn't disappear. Didn't dissolve back into the sea as the sun started warming up his body, erasing the memory of a pleasant surprise.
This wave stayed.
Like the tides forming a predictable rhythm, so did Sangwoo and Jaeyoung.
At first, not a lot changed.
Sangwoo spend his days pretty much the same as he had before the change of current.
He woke up at the same time, followed the exact same morning routine, got all of his work done, just like he always had.
On the surface, nothing much had changed. The structures Sangwoo had built over the years remained in place, only slightly adjusted to fit the new addition to his life.
Until today.
It started like any other day. Sangwoo woke up, did his morning exercise, picked out a flannel and a black cap, ready to start the day.
He did all the things in the right order, he made sure of it. But bubbling under his skin, threatening to break the surface, was an undeniable pressure, an itch that wouldn't sink.
He'd dealt with this before, it wasn't new by any means. But usually, there was a definite cause. A bad grade, an unwanted message from his parents, someone that had insisted on small talk when he just didn't have the energy to be polite...
But nothing of the sort had happened today. Or the day before. Sangwoo dug through his brain trying to find the antecedent of his anxiety, only to turn up empty.
Which only added to the frustration already building up within his ribcage.
Unable to determine a definite cause for uneasiness in his bones, he set out to continue his day as usual. Perhaps the routines he cherished so much could provide a lifebuoy to his sinking sanity.
Apparently, something in the universe decided that today would not be Sangwoo's day, because everything seemed to be against him.
It started small.
During the night, the heavy rain had soaked the seat of his bike and the small rag he carried specifically for the purpose of drying it lay forgotten at home. Opting to clean it with his jacket sleeve instead, Sangwoo sighed but got on with his day.
The second hurdle was a little higher.
After finishing the Veggie Venturer with Jaeyoung, Sangwoo got the opportunity for another, similar project. But with Jaeyoung now working for DEX, albeit remotely, Sangwoo needed to find another design major to collaborate with.
Upon turning the corner towards the entrance of the university complex, Sangwoo discovered all of the posters he had hung up the day before had been ruined by the same rain that had soaked his bike seat.
Defeatedly he tore them down, gathering the soggy mess and promising himself to print out new ones tomorrow, when this horrid day would be behind him. He would just have to get through the remaining hours of today.
It was the third interference with his routine that broke the dam.
His usual drink of choice, Black Holic, was sold out. Which hadn't happened since the time Jaeyoung bought all of them, and even then that had been the first time it happened. They were never sold out. Never. Except today.
And it shouldn't have to be such a big deal. But it was the accumulation of setbacks on top of the already existing restlessness bubbling inside him like a shaken soda with the lid shut tight. A tiny pinprick of a metaphorical needle was enough to open the floodgates.
A single tear ran down Sangwoo's cheek as he stared at the red cross illuminated under the Black Holic sign. Maybe if he wished hard enough, stared long enough, the red x would turn back into a green checkmark.
What if he could choose another drink, just for today, assuming his favourite would be refilled by tomorrow?
Just the mere thought of deviating from his familiar pattern had him sick to the stomach. On days like these, all he could cling to was the certainty of predictability, the absence of choice and the calm rhythm of structure.
Sangwoo stood, staring at the vending machine for what might have been a minute, but could equally well have been an hour. A shaky finger left on the button, pressing it to no avail.
Eventually, his shaky, lead-filled legs carried him back to his dorm. But instead of opening his own door, like he did every afternoon, he dug out his keyring and inserted a different key in the keyhole of the door next to his.
With his head still filled with hazy static, he entered the room, not even sure if Jaeyoung would be home at this time. Whatever time it was by now. But his unconsciousness led him to this place, a safe place where he knew he didn't have to pretend, where he knew where everything was, how everything went.
A place to let the river flow freely.
"Sangchu?" A voice called, seemingly surprised by his appearance. And while it was only one word, one stupid nickname, it felt like a knotted rope thrown to a sinking swimmer, drowning in a vortex.
Sangwoo blindly located the origin of the voice, setting his heavy-feeling body in motion towards it.
"Hey, are you okay? You're usually not here for at least another few hours?" Jaeyoung questioned concerned.
And even though he wanted to, Sangwoo felt unable to form a logical answer to the justifiable inquiry.
Because how do you explain, that you sometimes feel like you're drowning, even though you have two feet on dry land. That it feels like your skin is about to fall off even though it's still wrapped tightly around your body? That you feel like you have just been through a rollercoaster, body high on adrenaline, when all you did was get out of bed?
How do you explain something you can't even explain to yourself?
"Can, can you please just hold me?" Sangwoo uttered, pulling all of his thinking power together to form this one coherent sentence.
His body felt drained of energy as he let himself sink down on the couch beside Jaeyoung. A warm, steady arm wrapped around his shaking shoulders and gathered him close to the older's body.
"Of course, always."
And finally.
Calm after the storm.