Chapter Text
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
-Coldplay
~
~17 days after ground zero~
(May 7th)
He just… left.
Dan would be lying if he said that he didn't see it coming.
Tears pricked at his eyes and his hand curled tighter around his coffee cup. He furiously blinked them back because he will not break down in the middle of a Starbucks, for fuck’s sake pull yourself together.
Dan had never felt worse in his whole life. He honestly doesn’t know he successfully got out of bed, dressed in clothes other than pajamas, and arrived on time to meet Louise. It’s truly a miracle considering that he constantly felt like his insides were literally ripped into pieces and he was being held together safety pins.
He had gone into deep hibernation for the past few weeks, drowning himself in his sorrows, isolating himself from the world and his followers. His twitter feed had been dead for weeks now and he’d turned off all notifications. Really it was only a matter of time before one of his friends noticed that he’d disappeared off the face of the internet. This time it was Louise, but to be honest when wasn’t it Louise.
He’d gotten a text the night before, asking the expected: where he’d been, what’s going on, etc. He’d responded with the usual: I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, lies lies all lies.
But Louise wasn’t having any of his bullshit. Her reply had been: Uh huh, sure. Meet me at Starbucks @ 10 tomorrow.
If it were any other person, he would’ve tried to get out of it, but he knew Louise. If he’d said that he couldn’t go she would be at their his flat the next day, pounding on the door.
So here he was sitting at a table waiting for her to show up and mentally preparing to answer all her questions. Questions he didn’t even think he knew the answer to. why did he have to leave why
“Dan!”
His head turned to where his name had been called, spotting the familiar blonde head in the crowd. He couldn’t help but a small, but genuine, smile creep across his face as she bounced over to him. “Hello, Louise,” he greeted as he got up and gave her a tight hug.
“It’s so good to see you again!” she said, smiling. “What’s it been… two or three months?”
Dan nodded, “I know, it’s been too long.”
They sat down at the table and he asked her some questions; how was Darcy, Matt, what she’d been working on lately. He just catching up, definitely not stalling.
After some time, he was rambling on about God knows what, when she grabbed his hand across the table stopping him. “Dan… I’m sorry, but I have to ask. How are you?”
“I’m...“
His voice trailed off, the words I’m fine dying on his tongue. He thought about lying, saying that he was just a little tired, that he was okay, but he… couldn’t. He was so sick of saying that he was fine and pretending that nothing was wrong.
“Louise, to be completely honest with you,” He struggled to get his words out, “I’m not fine. Not even a little.”
He wanted to tell her everything, spill out all his secrets. About Phil, and about how bad things had been these past few months. The sleepless nights, the panic attacks, just let everything out.
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t just tell Phil’s secret to anybody he wanted to. It wasn’t his story to tell. He couldn’t betray him like that.
“Does this have anything to do with you and Phil?” she hesitantly prompted, seeing him struggle to find words.
His throat tightened and he closed his eyes, hearing Phil’s broken voice echo around his head.
“Dan, we need to take a break.”
“Louise, he...” Dan’s words caught in his throat. Saying it out loud made it so real. Too real.
“Louise, Phil left.”
~2 days before ground zero~
(April 18th)
Phil sat on the edge of their bed with his head buried in his hands, sweat making his fringe stick to his forehead. He cried quietly into his hands, as not to wake the sleeping figure in the bed beside him.
Things weren’t getting better.
He remembered the night that Dan held him and whispered in his ear, “We’ll get through this, you’ll be okay, things will get better.”
Lies. All of them. It was only getting worse.
Even Dan noticed how edgy he’s been acting. He started walking on eggshells around him, being careful of very touch and everything he said, being extra careful not to cause a flinch or a panic attack.
Phil hated it.
He hated himself for taking away what they had. They used to be so comfortable with each other, but now tension radiates in every aspect of their relationship. Dan even asks permission to hold his fucking hand.
As frustrating as it is, he knows where Dan is coming from. He was the one that rubbed his back comfortingly as Phil kneeled hunched over the toilet, some panic attacks and flashbacks making him so nauseous that he actually had to vomit. Dan had to watch Phil grow thinner and thinner because he barely make himself eat, let alone keep the food down.
Dan was the one who had to watch from the sidelines as Phil slowly destroyed himself.
Their last fight rung harshly in his ears.
“Dan, you don’t have to walk around me like I’m made of glass! I understand that this is hard, but please, stop treating me like I’m this crazy person who’s going to flip out at the tiniest thing. I want you to touch me, and I just want it to be like it was before. I want us back!”
“Phil, you know it’s not that simple-”
“It is! I’m not broken-
“You are.”
He could still feel the despair he felt when he heard those two words. But Dan was right. He was broken.
The past few weeks had been hell. His anxiety was the worst it’s ever been, flinching at the slightest of sounds. He literally couldn’t go three hours without being plagued by nightmares. He was so so so tired. Please I just want to sleep.
Dan promised that he would protect him, but not even Dan could save him from his own mind.
He couldn’t do it any more. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and he would never forgive himself if Dan got cut on his broken pieces.
Tears leaked from his eyes and his body shuddered silently as he desperately tried to deny what he knew he had to do.
He had to leave Dan.