Chapter Text
I can barely hear my own thoughts over Kaminari. His voice is echoing so loudly throughout the common area for no reason. He's only telling a story. But the story itself is only white noise to me, as I've been lost in my own world for a while now, my mind fogged. Instead of actually paying attention like a normal person, I was lost in my own little train of thought as I prepared a random curry recipe for this group of idiots. But now I'm in the present.
The curry smells and looks delicious. It pains me to look at it. My stomach feels so empty from barely eating, but thinking of eating makes me feel full. My mind is being contradictory, and it hurts so much to even look at the damn food. If I wasn't close to people this would be so much easier. I'd turn off the stove and simply toss it. But the group that is sitting on the couch in a jumbled pile is a reminder that I need to keep going and pretend. Pretend like everything is fine.
It isn't.
My body ached for a meal. Now thinking about it, I haven't had a proper one since last night. Even this morning I barely ate anything. Just a protein bar for my workout. And somehow, just like usual, I had enough energy to push myself past my limits.
Most people say that's not what you should do on a usual basis. Screw them, I do what I want. It's not like I died in the gym.
I snap out of my thoughts once more and reach to turn off the stove. It clicked, telling me it's off and I mix the curry once more. It was done but I'm stalling. Just the thought of eating…
I grab some plates for everyone and dish out everyone's servings and set them behind me on the kitchen island. "Foods done, idiots."
"Sweet!" I hear Kirishima yell. The red head leads the bunch of teens over to my area, each grabbing a plate and taking a seat in small various areas.
"Oh my god, this smells amazing." I hear Mina say as I move to the sink to wash my hand. "Am I drooling? I think I'm drooling."
"Just eat it, pinkie." I scowl at her as I dry my hands and grab my own plate. She smiles at me and grabs her utensil and begins digging in. I roll my eyes and look at the food. I narrow my eyes at it in a sudden hesitance. I shake my head and begin eating slowly.
This curry almost makes my mouth water. It's heavenly. I'm glad I cook and try new things. But I know even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to keep it down. I keep my main focus on eating, but listen to the various conversations happening. Occasionally, I feel myself crack a small smile, but as soon as I realize it, I erase it from my face.
"So, how about we go to the mall after we all finish?" I hear the suggestion and I glance up. Sero seemed to have asked the question, and everyone seemed to be agreeing by their sounds of approval and nods.
"That sounds fun!" Kaminari spoke with his mouth full. I rolled my eyes. "Are you gonna come Bakubro?"
Wait what? Why is he asking? I feel myself start to panic at the question, yet I mask it with an ease I never knew I was capable of. I realize I've been stood staring, so I simply shake my head.
"I made plans already, losers. I'm leaving once I finish." I speak with the same roughness that I usually have despite my internal panic. I see the group frown. "Also, don't call me that."
"Sorry, dude. We'll all have to go do something next weekend then!" Kirishima declares and I sigh softly. I look down and see that I've finished my food, so I turn and walk over to the sink, cleaning my dish in silence. Scrape off the small left over bits, scrub my utensils and plate, then stick it in the dishwasher. My mind was on autopilot as I cleaned, and I closed the dishwasher as I had finished.
I turn and begin walking to the bathroom, mumbling about needing to pee as a small lie. I push the door open with a small grunt and quickly glance at myself in the mirror. My eyes are sunken more than normal. My cheekbones were defined. Even my hands looked like shit, my knuckles scraped, bruised and scabbed. It made my eyes water.
How am I still like this? I've been trying so hard…
I feel the uncomfortable but familiar feeling of saliva covering my mouth and itching at my throat. I quickly move to the last stall and close it, falling in front of the toilet and beginning the habit I've fallen into.