Chapter Text
The group had rolled into town a few hours ago and were trying to come up with a plan, it was a ghost hunt from what they could tell and didn't need to be an all-hands-on-deck situation, but it was going to be anyway. They hadn’t seen Cas in a while and when he called Dean put him on speaker and invited him to join them, he’d been there in a few hours. Celia and Charlie had been hunting nearby, so they met up with them at the motel to join as well.
“From what I can tell, the ghost has only been attacking gay couples staying in room 303 at the B&B,” Sam said.
Dean looked up from his food to acknowledge Sam with a grunt.
“Easy!” Celia said.
Sam and Dean gave her a surprised look.
“Gay couples like as an umbrella term gay or specifically men who like men?” Charlie asked.
“Uh, looks like it’s all been men,” Sam said. “So maybe not so easy,” he said to Celia.
“Nah I stand by it,” she said. She was sitting sideways in a chair, leaning to pick fries from Dean’s pile even though she had her own. He was letting her for reasons that Sam couldn’t fathom.
“How so?” Sam asked with a smirk.
“Well, gay as in ladies dating you’ve got me and Charlie,” she said pointing between herself and the redhead, “and dude gay, well …” she shrugged.
“Are you suggesting that Dean and I should pretend to be a couple?” Sam said with a horrified look.
Celia opened her mouth to respond while she reached for another fry, but that was the moment Dean decided to react.
“Dude!” he said and swatted her away with enough force to throw her off balance.
In his defense, she was sitting sideways and tipped her chair to reach over him, so she was already pretty off-balance and the swat tipped her over the edge, and out of her chair. Celia landed on her back and let out a loud huff before sitting up and shaking her head. She dramatically patted herself to make sure she was unbroken, then got up and slowly walked over to Dean. She leaned real close to his face and whispered something that Sam and Charlie couldn’t hear and he whispered something back. They looked tense, but then Celia stood up and wandered over to where Charlie was sitting and sat sideways in her lap, wrapping her arms around Charlie’s shoulders. She relaxed and looked like she had not just been thrown out of her chair by a madman over a french fry. Sam and Charlie watched all of this in stunned silence.
“Sorry,” Dean mumbled.
“You okay babe?” Charlie asked, rubbing Celia’s back gently.
“I’m fine, I should have known there would be consequences to stealing fries,” she shrugged and leaned her head on Charlie’s shoulder.
“Sharing is caring Dean,” Charlie said.
“Not if you touch my fries it’s not,” he said back.
“Okayyyyy,” Sam said. “Celia so who is the couple supposed to be?”
“I don’t know man I thought you meant lesbians and I didn’t wanna be wrong,” she said.
“Sure,” Sam didn’t believe it, “what did you say to Dean?”
“What?”
“You guys whispered to each other, what did you say?”
“I don’t recall,” she said.
“Seriously?!” Sam was so done with these two. With their whispering and their hangouts and their texts!
“Drop it, Sammy,” Dean grumbled.
“No, you know what? I’m not going to drop it,” Sam said.
Charlie raised her eyebrows at him. Celia sat up a little straighter, sensing the energy shift. She was going to say that Dean and Cas could be the couple because they get mistaken as one a lot anyway. But then Dean threw her out of her chair, and she had whispered to ask him if he did that on purpose to shut her up. He whispered back, “Yes, and keep that kind of talk about Cas and me to yourself.” Dean’s angry whisper revealed that she almost (accidentally) outed him to everyone, and Celia hated herself for that. She deserved to be pushed out of her chair. She was being thoughtless and she wished she could retract the last few minutes, especially since Sam was now upset with her as well.
“You two,” he pointed at Dean and Celia, “have been weird and secretive since you got back from Purgatory,” Sam said, turning his attention solely to Dean. “What the hell is going on? What did I do to you? For you to run to her instead of talking to me? Seriously man!"
Sam hated sounding like he was a teen who'd been uninvited from a party by his ex-bff, it was dumb, but it also hurt that Dean trusted this person they met a little over a year ago more than him.
“I think we should give you space,” Charlie said, gently nudging Celia up so they could leave.
Celia looked at Dean for a moment, he nodded quickly at her and she retreated with Charlie in tow.
“Like that!” Sam said. “Did you just give her the okay to leave you here with me?! What the fuck man, I’m your brother! You don't want to be alone with me now?!"
Sam was standing now, towering in the room and appearing taller as his voice grew in volume and anger. Dean sat at the table still. He had turned to face Sam but his head was down and he was looking at his hands.
“Say something, Dean!”
“Look, Sammy, Sam,” Dean looked him in the eye, “Celia is my friend. She’s your friend. But you’re my brother, and I don’t know what to say right now, man.”
Dean was lost, yeah he whispered things to Celia and they had secret hang-out sessions, but he didn’t think he was an absent brother or not hanging out with Sam. Hell, they were together almost 24/7, they shared hotel rooms, and they worked together, what more did Sam want?
“I just want the truth Dean,” Sam said sounding defeated. Tears were welling up in his eyes and Dean was shocked. “You guys have been close since you got back from Purgatory, I thought maybe you had a crush on her, since you’re always touching and texting, I’ve even caught you guys cuddling and listening to music together more than once,” Dean blushed at that, he didn’t think Sam knew about that, “But then she started dating Charlie and it’s been the same. Why do you let her in like that? It’s not cause you’re dating, that I could understand. What is it? I don’t get why you can have that with a stranger and not with me, your family.”
Dean was tearing up now too, he didn’t mean for Sammy to feel unwanted or rejected. He hated that he did that to Sam, for months, and not realize it.
“Sam I,” Dean started but Sam had become self-conscious and interrupted.
“No Dean, I, I’m sorry. Let’s just forget it,” he started turning away but suddenly Dean was in his space and grabbing his arm. He pulled Sam into a tight lightning-quick hug.
“Sam, I never want you to feel like that.” Dean swallowed all his pride, all his years of no chick-flick moments, and decided to tell Sam the truth. “I, when I got back from Purgatory I was messed up man, I called Celia after I found out you didn’t look for me and she insisted on meeting up. She, she could tell that I had, that I was weighed down, and she made me promise to let it out. She said she wanted me to survive and that she wanted to be there for me, and man, I haven’t had a lot of comfort but she, she,” Dean swallowed trying to find the right word that didn’t make him sound as pathetic as he felt, “she helped.”
“She helped?” Sam said with bitterness. “What about me is so unhelpful Dean, huh? Cause I didn’t look for you?! It's all my fault, huh? I apologized Dean! I did what you said, I got a normal life! But no, I’m not allowed to have that and I’m not allowed to help you 'cause I can’t be trusted. Right? Cause I'm just your freak of a brother and you're stuck with me, but you don't trust me!”
Dean flinched. “Sam, no, no, I,” he started.
“No, no it’s fine. I get it,” Sam in anger.
“No you don’t,” Dean whispered.
“I don’t? Oh, I don’t!” Sam said with raised eyebrows. “You’re right I don’t because you don’t tell me shit! Dean, you hold everything in and you keep me at an arm's length. It feels like shit man!”
Dean was openly crying now. He couldn’t help it. He felt like he did when he was 14 and, no, NO! He couldn’t go there right now. He needed to make sure Sammy felt okay, he could fall apart later.
“Dean?” Sam had noticed him crying and it was in a way that Sam had never seen before. It was, a kind of break he hadn’t witnessed.
“Sam I, I don’t want to make you feel like shit. I trust you, I trust you with my life, I just, I can’t do the whole emotions thing, Sam. Not, not with you. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Sam. I, fuck, I hate that I hurt you like that. I, I,” Dean wanted to say more but his voice was stuck in his throat and he couldn't get the words out.
“Dean? What’s going on? Seriously?” Sam's voice had returned to normal, the anger left when Dean's tears arrived.
“I didn’t, I didn’t want to make you feel bad Sammy. Celia and I just, she just helped. I don’t know,” Dean said with a shrug. He wiped his eyes roughly.
Sam thought for a moment, he was still hurt, but he could see that Dean wasn’t angry with him. If he was he would have stormed out by now or started throwing punches. Maybe this wasn’t about him and Dean’s relationship but something else.
“Dean, what happened that you couldn’t tell me?” he asked quietly.
Dean swallowed hard, this was it, what he didn’t want to think about, what he didn’t want Sam to know. But he couldn’t get his brain to think a way around it. He couldn’t come up with any lie or half-truth that would get the point across in a less devastating way. He took a big breath and let it out slowly. Buckle up, he thought to himself.
“When I, when I found out that you didn’t look for me, didn’t try to get me back,” Dean started glancing up at Sam briefly before fixing his gaze back on his hands. He was pulling on his fingers and palms in anxiety. “It made me feel unwanted and worthless, and um, like I did when I was 14 and I,” Dean stopped there squeezing his eyes shut at the memory. He tried to block the specific feeling and memories and just focus on his words. “I tried to,” Dean’s throat caught again. He felt like he couldn’t speak like any words he tried to form were lost in his vocal cords and if he tried to say them he’d choke.
Sam had sat down on one of the beds by then. He watched Dean with glossy eyes and tried to remember that time in their childhoods. He couldn’t remember anything specific, some hunts, some angst, fights with Dad of course, and that year Dean got hurt and he was gone for like four months.
“I remember you were gone for months,” Sam whispered. “Dad said you got hurt hunting.”
Dean chuckled without humor, “Yeah that’s not what happened.”
“What happened Dean?”
“I tried to, uh,” Dean glanced at Sam one more time, one more time as this. The tough older brother, the protector, the warrior. One more time before Sam wouldn’t see him that way anymore. “I tried to kill myself,” he said and couldn’t stop the tears. He tried to keep them from turning into sobs, but Sam’s arms were around him in an instant and his knees felt weak. He didn’t hug back, just let Sam hold him for a moment.
“Dean I’m so sorry, I had no idea,” Sam said as he released Dean.
“I’m sorry Sam,” Dean said through his tears. “I fucked up and I tried to leave you behind, I’m so sorry I did that to you, Sammy.”
“What? Dean, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m so sorry you felt that way and felt that you couldn’t tell me. You can tell me anything Dean, anything. I love you,” Sam said, also crying.
Dean appreciated it, but he was sure Sam was mad at him for being a fucking coward. He was just being nice now, but it’d be thrown in his face later. Maybe Sam would leave after this hunt and go try to win Amelia back. Why would he stick around for a brother who couldn’t keep his shit together?
“Dean,” Sam said softly, “you felt, suicidal? When you came back from Purgatory?”
Dean didn’t say anything, he just looked at Sam with what he was sure was a pathetic face.
“Dean, Dean I am so sorry. I didn’t think, fuck, I never want to make you feel like that. You’re my brother, I love you. I want you here Dean. I need you.”
“No Sam, no. I’m sorry. None of this is on you, this is all me. I’m fucking weak and I’m sorry and I wish I could help it but, sometimes, I just,” Dean sighed. He had no idea how to explain how it felt when he had thoughts like that. He was suddenly very tired, and he really wanted Celia to come mess with his neurotransmitters a little to make himself feel better.
“Dean, you’re not weak. You’re the strongest man I know,” Sam said and he meant it. He meant it with everything he was. Here his older brother was his protector, a warrior who’d stopped multiple apocalypses, and a man who could admit that he was (understandably) not fine.
Dean didn’t believe him though. “Yeah okay,” he mumbled.
“I mean it Dean,” Sam said with determination.
“Okay, okay. I’m, I’m exhausted,” Dean admitted.
“Yeah, okay,” Sam said with a sad smile.
“Are you, are you okay?” Dean asked. “I mean, I get what you were saying, I do. I don’t want you to feel like that Sammy.”
“I think I get it a little more, why you’re … close with Celia,” Sam said. “I sometimes think she’s slipping us Zoloft,” he said with a chuckle.
“No Sam, she IS the Zoloft,” Dean said. “Speaking of …” he started walking toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Sam asked.
Dean paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned around to face Sam. “If it’s okay with you I need a little Zoloft.”
Sam was surprised, but he figured this is what he’d asked for. He wanted Dean to share with him, shit and all, and Dean gave him a lot to process. “Yeah, man, go ahead.”
Dean nodded and went out the door. He got about twelve steps before the weight of all that he shared beat him over the head and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.