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“I swear I didn’t mean to.”
Liam wished he could go back to a month ago. He wished he could go back. It was bliss back then. Everything was okay then. Well… more okay than now was at least.
Sure he’d been feeling shitty before but that was probably just because there’d been a war going on. War makes everyone feel sad. Before the war he blamed it on teenage hormones, or just becoming a werewolf, or being bullied, or moving schools, or… point made.
There had to be a reason. When there wasn’t a reason he blamed himself so much that he’d end up bleeding by the end of the panic attacks. Knuckles, head, legs…
“I didn’t mean to I swear.”
Talking wasn’t an option. His friends had so much else going on. They were busy trying to survive, so was he actually. Scott was hunting down Monroe with the others. Mason, Corey, Nolan, and Alec were helping him defend this place. Theo was off somewhere every once and a while showing his face.
Whenever Theo showed his face Liam didn’t feel the looming sadness that rained over him. The huge shadow that gripped his shoulders and pulled him back into it receded when Theo was around. It was wonderful.
It was also fucking awful. He shouldn’t be emotionally dependent on someone. He can’t be. Theo wasn’t going to be around forever. He wasn’t even around now. So Liam needed to suck it the fuck up and get by on his own.
His own wasn’t enough most of the time though. If he didn’t have his mom or Mason then he’d probably wouldn’t be here. He didn’t dwell on what that meant too much.
Not having anyone to talk to caused Liam to turn to other sources. He looked up things to help and went down a rabbit hole.
Hours later at two in the morning in his dark room he stared down at his phone with tears streaming down his face. That wasn’t a new thing though. Most nights he couldn’t sleep, usually he’d just cry himself to sleep but some nights that didn’t work.
His phone held pictures and paragraphs of people using physical pain to help the emotional. He’d done that before. It was more out of anger but thinking back it had helped his head a lot. The bloody knuckles also looked kinda pretty.
He’d never thought to actually cut himself before though. He’d heard about other kids doing it in his freshman years but he’d never understood until now. It made sense. Something else to focus on.
So he experimented. He pulled out his claws and watched his skin slice open then stitch itself back together. Doing it over and over until his arm was covered in blood but there were no wounds in sight.
It felt good for a minute but he wanted longer lasting pain. He wanted to be able to feel it later. He wanted the scars and to see them later.
The only thing he could think of, the worst possible answer to his stupid problem, was use the thing that caused werewolves healing to slow. Wolfbane. It wasn’t a good idea. Then again nothing about the whole thing he did was a good idea.
“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t a good idea. He figured it out one night when he went a little too deep with his blade laced in wolfbane. He just hadn’t been thinking.
Usually it healed by the morning but instead he woke up a banging on his door. His mom and dad left long before he woke up so who the hell was banging on his door?
He was dizzy and his eyes were blurry. The voices were familiar. He knew those voices.
Mason, Corey, and… Scott? No. No, Scott was hunting down Monroe it wasn’t Scott.
The door was smashed open and he tried to lift his head but that took way too much strength for him at the moment. So instead he just laid there eyes trained on the ceiling.
“Liam!” Hands we’re on him then. Familiar ones that made him feel safe. He hadn’t felt them in a long time.
“Scott?” He whispered eyes blurry but still able to see the crooked jaw of his alpha and friend.
“Call 911!” He heard Corey’s voice in the background but his eyes stayed on Scott.
“Liam, what did you do?” Mason. God Mason had tears on his cheeks and Liam never wanted to see that.
“What?” Liam frowned finally lifting his arms to try and lift himself to a sitting position but…
There was so much blood. It covered his arms and stained his clothes. His bedding was soaked his mattress underneath probably was too.
“I’m sorry.” His eyes pricked with tears and they started flowing down his face. “I’m so sorry. I swear I didn’t mean to.” Liam sobbed making Scott bring him into a hug while Corey grabbed some towels.
“It’s okay Liam. It’s okay.” Scott muttered as Corey and Mason held his arms together with the towels.
“I didn’t mean to I swear.” He whispered before it all went black.
—
When he woke back up the light above him was bright and his whole body felt fuzzy. His arms hurt but it was fuzzy too. Like an ache instead of sharp pains.
He staring at the ceiling for a long time before a voice interrupted his staring. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be left alone.
“Liam? Oh Liam sweetheart!” His mom was there acting like she cared again. He tried pushing her away but he was restrained to the bed. Shit.
“Get off!” He screamed instead making her reel back in shock, pretend shock. “Don’t pretend like you care now.” He whispered wishing he’d noticed Scott, Mason, and his dad before he’d made a scene.
“Honey of course I care.” She said but he scoffed.
“Only when I’m dying apparently. I’ve barely seen you since I was seven. When was the last time you sat down and ate dinner with me?” Liam asked the silence so loud as his mother tried to find a reason why.
“Liam I’ve been busy trying to provide—“
“Provide what? A frozen dinner and loneliness?” Liam interrupted wishing he could cross his arms and pick at them but he was still very much strapped to the bed. “Leave me alone.” Liam said and his mother didn’t argue she just stepped out of the room and who knows where she’d go after that. “Both of you.” He said glaring at his step father when he hadn’t left with her. He looked away and left making Liam felt guilty because he was only ever good unlike his mother.
There was a long silence and Liam didn’t want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be alone in his bedroom while he slowly bled out hoping someone would notice. But now that someone had noticed he didn’t want it.
He was so embarrassed that someone knew he’d done this to himself. Other people have it worse. He’s been through worse so why was he doing this now?
“Liam—“
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Another moment of silence before his red puffy eyes connected with Scott and Mason’s tear filled ones. He did this. He made them hurt. How could he do that to the people he loved.
“What are you doing here anyways? I thought you were at college having the time of your life.” Liam said and Scott seemed visibly uncomfortable because of the comment.
“I thought I’d come see you guys. I missed you Liam.” Scott said to which Liam let out a scoff. He didn’t actually mean to let it out he meant to stay quiet and let them speak.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t miss you. Go back to your girlfriend and your future and your life without me. I won’t bother you anymore.” Liam said looking away toward the window to his right. The sun was shining much to bright for the day he was having.
“I can’t do that Liam. Not now that I know what you’ve been doing to yourself.” Scott said and Liam shook his head numbly.
“I won’t do it again. I didn’t mean for it to get that bad. It usually doesn’t bleed that much.” Liam spoke softly eyes heavy, brain empty, the only two emotions he felt was pain and guilt. Guilt for making his friends worry about him. How could he do this?
“Liam—“
“I don’t need your fucking help!” Liam screamed turning his head to glare at his best friends. “You think you fix me like you do everything else Scott? You can’t I was fucked up long before you bit me. Nothing can fix me. I’m broken. I’m fucked beyond repair so leave me alone. Both of you.” He said eyes moving to Mason who had tears streaming down his face.
Liam looked away back at the window knowing they could still see the tears running down his cheeks too. He immediately felt guilty. Even more so than before. How could he yell at the people he loved? They were just trying to help.
The two stayed put though and Liam hated it so much. He also loved them for it. He wanted to turn back and cry into their chests as they hugged him but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. He had to do it on his own. He was fine. Everything was fine.
“We can’t just leave you Liam. We’re gonna help you whether you want us to or not.” Mason’s words cut so deep in such a good god damn way. It felt so good to hear that.
“Liam we love you so much and we’ll always be here for you.” Scott said and Liam let a loud sobbed loose from his mouth.
Mason moved for the boy wrapping his arms around him. Scott walked around the other side of the bed and wrapped his arms around him as well.
Liam thought they’d leave. Everyone always leave but for once they stayed. Maybe they did love him. Maybe they did care.
—
They didn’t. They only cared till he got “better”. Once he got better they forgot about him.
They didn’t ask if he was okay anymore. They didn’t check in. They didn’t hug him as much. They didn’t pay attention to him anymore.
Then again they had their own problems. They didn’t need to worry about him. They wouldn’t have to worry about him any longer. Not after tonight. Not after this.
“I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t mean to. I meant to stay.”
—