Chapter Text
Scar had a reputation of being a clutz. Everyone knew that. He ran around, got himself hurt, and usually managed to drag at least one person down with him. He’d done it a million times with Grian, and it weighed in his chest when he thought about it. Oh how he longed to hold Grian the way he used to. They’d been out of the desert for so long, now, and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Grian like he had there. He wanted to hold him so close, run his hands through his feathers and whisper sweet nothings into his ears.
But he couldn’t. He tried to let himself, but he could never get himself close enough to wrap his arms around Grian again. He tried, he really did. But he ended up just watching Grian from afar instead of doing anything. His heart ached, and when he thought about the desert a pang of guilt hung over his head. Did Grian feel guilty, too? Did he watch Scar from afar and think of how much it hurt?
Scar didn’t want it to hurt. He wanted to look back on the desert and smile at his time with Grian. He wanted to look back at the desert and beam like the sun, so happy with Grian and their sandcastle and Pizza. But he couldn’t. Something snapped in his chest as soon as he thought about that desert, and all he wanted to do was cry. He didn’t know what it was, not really. Maybe it was the fact Grian had vowed his life and then not left and Scar felt like it was an obligation. Maybe it was the fact he yearned to feel loved like that again when Grian stayed so distant.
He couldn’t talk to anyone about it, believe him he’d tried- He’d tried to gone to people who were on that server, too, and get it out. He’d gone to Pearl, Ren- But no one seemed to remember. He’d always end up sulking and them trying to console him, but they really didn’t understand why he felt like this. Could they even, if they remembered? Could they understand how hurt he felt, how much he wanted to love Grian yet how much he couldn’t? Could they really understand how close they’d gotten and how much it hurt to be forced apart?
Grian didn’t talk to him. He longed for Grian to, longed for Grian’s touch, yet feared if he got it again he’d snuff out the little flame Grian had left. He longed to run his hands through Grian’s feathers, longed to preen him like the nights in the desert where sand would fill them. He almost wished he could just hear Grian complain again about it. Yet every time he got close enough to Grian to speak words didn’t spill out how he imaged they would. He backed out and then got onto himself for it.
To be fair, since they’d gotten back from the desert Grian hadn’t tried to talk to him. Scar didn’t really understand why - Maybe it was because he was mad at him for something, void only knew what that could be - He was sure there was a myriad of why Grian could be mad at him. Maybe everything in the desert was just for survival, too. Maybe the things Grian said and did were just lies, just said to keep alliance with Scar. Scar would’ve done anything for Grian, and Grian knew it. And so Scar convinced himself that’s what it was, and that Grian didn’t love him, not like he wanted Grian to in the desert. And so he continued with his avoidance and contactless whims. What was the point, if Grian didn’t really love him?