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Caitlyn walked into County with some spring in her step, the first time she felt energetic that week. She very rarely visited Janet at work, as she always felt it was best to only call or stop by in the event of an emergency (with some exceptions for holidays). But last night, she couldn’t help herself and had called Janet to ask if she could spare some time the next day to meet up, so they planned to have lunch in the cafeteria.
When Janet asked if there was anything specific Caitlyn wanted to talk about, all Caitlyn said was that she had some news to share and she preferred to do it in person. She also knew she didn’t want to keep it a secret for too long, although she wondered if she was lying by omission when she didn’t give the reason over the phone. Transparency was one of the values of their relationship, after all, and she would never want to deliberately hurt her mother.
On her way to the elevator, she saw Archie walking by, looking down at a tablet and then looking up to realize he had walked in the completely wrong direction.
“Lost?” she joked.
“Oh, Caitlyn, hey! I’m trying to get used to this whole electronic charting thing. As usual, County is behind on all the latest trends in fancier equipment that makes our jobs easier. What brings you here?”
“I’m here to see my mom. We’re having lunch and I have to talk to her about something personal.”
“I hope everything’s OK with you guys. She didn’t mention anything to me, good or bad. But you’re under no obligation to tell me. I’m surprised she’s letting you meet her here, though. She’s usually good about keeping work and personal life separate.”
“Today’s different.” She lightly put her fingers on an envelope in her purse, but resisted taking it out to show Archie and spill her guts. She wanted Janet to know first, after all. “I guess you could say there’s a first time for everything, right?”
“That’s for sure. Well, have fun. I meant to go to Curtain 3, but there’s another entrance right across from here anyway. I’ll see you later. Come find me if you need anything, OK?”
"Will do. Thanks." She waved goodbye and stepped on to the elevator.
The ride to the cafeteria felt like it lasted for an eternity, but when she arrived, she was surprised Janet was already there, alternating looking at her phone and scanning the area to see if she could find Cait. They hadn’t caught each others’ eyes yet, though, so she took a breath and held the envelope tighter without pulling it out of her purse. Maybe she should just walk up to her mom and get this over with, even though she shouldn’t be thinking that way about such an important announcement.
“There you are!” Caitlyn jumped at the sound of Janet’s voice, as if she made the decision for her. They exchanged a quick hug, and suddenly, she felt her nerves dissipate.
“Hey, Mom. Thanks again for doing this. I hope I’m not keeping you from anything important.”
“Not at all. I’m sorry if lunch is earlier than what you’re used to, but this is one of the few days I have time to have a longer meal before I start my office hours. Usually I have to grab something from the to-go case, but since you’re here, I let my staff know I’d be a little late and my NP is going to fill in for my first appointment or two. I can’t believe I didn’t notice you, though.”
“Oh, it’s really not a big deal. I just got here and I ran into Archie on the way down. You should see him with the iPad. He’s acting like a total noob.”
“Shocking.” Janet rolled her eyes. “If I can get used to it and I’ve been practicing since the 80s, he can handle it.” She ran a hand through her hair, and Caitlyn smiled. Janet may have been starting to see some gray hair poke through her natural dark brown (and she wanted to cover it as quickly as possible) and she had a few more wrinkles than she did when she and Caitlyn reconciled five years ago, but she was nowhere ready to give up her career yet, even if she was trying to slow down and prioritize her family and hobbies more. Not even a concussion two years ago could keep her down forever. Caitlyn always admired Janet’s resiliency and dedication to her patients, if nothing else.
“That’s all you’re eating?” Janet asked, sounding concerned when she noticed Caitlyn had only picked up a fruit cup and some yogurt. “Are you ok, sweetie?”
“I’m fine. My appetite is a bit back and forth. I was really hungry earlier this week, but I just want small snacks or meals today.”
“Are you still getting everything together to start applying for PA programs? I know it’s a stressful process, but school will always be there if you’re worried you’re not ready.” Last year, Caitlyn had decided she wanted to become a physician’s assistant. As much as she loved being a nurse, she was getting to a point where she wanted to have a steadier schedule and more responsibility. Becoming a PA would still allow her to collaborate with doctors but also make treatment decisions and spend more time with patients, even if she wouldn’t have the independence of a nurse practitioner.
“Yeah. I am a little nervous I guess. It’s going to be a big change. And since programs generally start in the fall, I’m doing everything I can to make sure my letters of recommendation and personal statements are the best they can be. I’m 31; I don’t want to wait forever to do this.”
“That is not old. Trust me. Wait till you’re my age. You have plenty of time to make a career change, and if you do have to wait another year…well, you’ll be 32 no matter what.” Janet grinned and started eating her sandwich and bag of baked potato chips.
“I see what you’re saying, but listen…there’s a reason that might not happen on the timeline I’d prefer. And it’s not just about my application materials.”
“Oh? Well, do tell. Is something wrong? If this is about your depression, you can always see if you need a medication adjustment or think about pursuing a lower-stress specialty. PAs are needed in almost every area of medicine.”
“No, it’s not that either.”
“OK. So, what’s going on?”
Caitlyn put down the fork she was using to eat her cup of fruit. “All right. It’s not as if I can hide it forever anyway, so I’ll just come out and say it: I’m pregnant.”
Janet stopped eating too and they sat in silence for a minute, but didn’t break eye contact.
“You are?” she finally asked, smiling slowly as the news sank in.
“Yeah. So, you’re gonna be a grandmother. I couldn’t wait to tell you. In fact, I even considered calling you yesterday because I got an ultrasound and—”
“No way. I hope you have a picture.”
“I do. Are you mad that I didn’t ask you to come to the hospital yesterday or explain this when I called? I had a feeling you’d be hurt about not being there, but I just wanted some time alone to take everything in after I talked to Dr. Steinberg, who’s one of the OB residents at Mercy. She ordered the pregnancy test plus some blood work to check my hormone levels and did the ultrasound to confirm once the test came back positive. She offered to take care of it because my gyno wasn’t in. I’m sorry…I didn’t want to leave you out.”
“Oh, honey, I’m not mad,” Janet assured her. “I can understand. Did you get to tell her I’m an OB/GYN? I’m sure if she knew, she’d be relieved I wasn’t around so she didn’t have to worry that I was undermining her or being too pushy.”
“Of course I did. It just came up in the course of conversation, but she’s used to dealing with patients’ mothers and mothers-in-law in the delivery room, so she doesn’t seem like she would’ve been fazed. Now, I’m sure you want to see your first grandchild.”
“Damn straight.” Caitlyn handed the envelope to Janet, and she opened it and looked at the photo. “Seven weeks?” she asked without hesitation.
Caitlyn nodded. “Sean and I need to discuss this,” she said quietly. “He has no idea yet. I feel so stupid about breaking up with him, you know? If I had known this was going to happen, I would have stuck around.” She was referring to her ex-boyfriend, who was an ER doctor at Mercy. In fact, Ellie had introduced the two of them. Although they enjoyed their relationship and felt an initial connection, they broke up after about six months together when they couldn’t envision longer-term potential.
“You can’t predict everything,” Janet pointed out. “You only broke up with him a couple weeks ago, right? You had no way of knowing you were pregnant. That said, I’d tell him ASAP; don’t wait until you’re six or seven months along to show up and demand that he help you raise a baby or pay child support. You need a plan now.”
“You’re right. And he’s mature and reasonable; I know he’s not going to abandon me or refuse to do his part. After all, he knows it takes two. I’m just so scared…” She looked up and wiped her eyes, and Janet quickly dug out a tissue from her lab coat pocket and handed it to her. “I was planning to go to school and change my career, and now I might get stuck in nursing. And I have to have a baby with a man I just broke up with. That’s so awkward. I can’t imagine telling my son or daughter that I wasn’t even in a relationship with their father when they were born. And of course, I have to freaking give birth. I thought having a baby was my dream, but there’s so much to think about that I’m having a hard time being happy.”
“OK, first of all, you’re getting ahead of yourself. You’re not going to the delivery room tomorrow. Put that out of your mind for now. Besides, if you decide you want me to be with you when the baby comes, do you really think I’m going to let anything go wrong? You name a complication, I’ve seen it and dealt with it. I’ve done hundreds if not thousands of C-sections; OBs can get a baby out in 60 seconds if they have to. And as far as Sean goes…couples break up, kids or no kids. That’s life. What’s important is that it sounds like you can trust him to do the right thing and be with you when you deliver, and then be a good father. Does that help?” Caitlyn nodded and tried to breathe between tears.
“As far as your career, what did I just say?”
“School will always be there. I…guess I could defer and go when the baby’s older.”
“Do you have a rough idea of your due date?”
“April 25. But Dr. Steinberg said I should have another ultrasound and schedule my first prenatal appointment to get confirmation since it was just her best guess.”
“She’s right. OK, so let’s just say April 30. You can still apply now while you’re pregnant, and by the time the fall semester starts, the baby will be four months old and hopefully be in a good routine if you feel like you still want to go. People have kids in residency, in law school, in medical school…they work it out. This isn’t the end of the world that you think it is. Trust me on this. I’ve had patients who are a lot worse off than you.
“Now, before I go into anything else, how are you feeling right now physically?”
“Good. After Dr. Steinberg did the ultrasound, she gave me a quick checkup. No pelvic or anything, but she took my blood pressure, felt my neck, listened to my heart and lungs and pressed down on my belly to make sure I didn’t have any unusual pain. She said I’ll have a full physical at my first prenatal appointment, but I let her check me over since we were in an OB room anyway.”
“Did she weigh or measure you? Check for anything else on the blood work?”
“Not yet on the measurements, but she said the rest of the labs looked fine. I kind of told her that I had been poked and prodded enough and I needed time to absorb my feelings.”
“That’s fine. I’m sure she didn’t want to step in too much for your regular doctor anyway. I’m glad you had someone to help you on short notice. And nothing bad came up on that short physical, right?”
“Nope. All clear.”
“That’s what we like to hear. Now, there’s something else I want to talk to you about.” Janet reached for Caitlyn’s hands and clasped them with hers.
“You’ve told me so many times how much you want to have a baby. I know you’re worried and uncertain about some things, and that this feels like one of the worst possible times to get this news. But, I want you to enjoy this. You’ll only have your first child once, and this is your dream come true. Save every ultrasound photo and appreciate how much your body will grow and change with the pregnancy, even if it’s unpleasant sometimes. Take maternity pictures and make sure you have someone capture some lighthearted moments in labor, and that first time you have skin-to-skin contact when the baby’s born. And I’m going to make sure you have a baby shower with your friends and our family present because you deserve it and you should feel supported during one of the biggest milestones of your life. Not to mention, you’ll have the chance as the years go by to do things for your son or daughter that I may not have been able to do or provide for you and your brother because of my problems.”
“You made some good points. I agree I have a great support system, much better than I would have if I had gotten pregnant in my 20s, part because you’re here now. I couldn’t have imagined having a baby without you by my side to see the pregnancy and talk me through my fears, so…I definitely want you in the delivery room and to come to a prenatal appointment or two as long as you stay sober. It’s not even a question. Just don’t take over or argue with my doctor.”
“All right, it’s a deal. Can I add one more thing?”
“Sure.”
“You’ve proven over the last several years just how strong you are, and keep that in mind as you’re preparing to become a mother. Think of all the determination you found to finish nursing school after getting diagnosed with depression, and the courage you had to contact me to start repairing our relationship and listen to what I had to say. You’ve defined a whole new set of values and stuck to therapy to keep yourself mentally healthy. And you have a big heart; you’re compassionate and kind to others. That’s what’s going to make you a good mother. But what’s most important is that you have faith in yourself. Call on your strength to give your baby the best life possible, and when you feel like you can’t wake up for another late-night feeding or calm down a fussy baby one more time, think of all you’ve already been through and how you can push through these hard times again.”
“You’re really making me feel like I’m meant for this,” Caitlyn said through more tears. “Thank you.”
“Because you are. I can’t wait to see you raise your child and hear all about how they’re growing.”
“And you’re excited to be a grandmother, right?”
“Oh, hell yeah.” Janet started to laugh. “Just don’t start making me feel old or nag me for not letting my hair go gray yet. I still feel young; thank you very much. But trust me, my granddaughter or grandson is going to be spoiled. And if you need a babysitter and I have the day off, you know who to call. I can’t wait to meet the baby. Do your dad and stepmother know yet?”
“I’m going to see them tonight. I’m hoping they’ll be able to come see an ultrasound as well. Gotta spread the love.”
“Absolutely.”
Caitlyn smiled and took the ultrasound photo back, looking at it for a minute or two. “It’s hard to believe it’s my baby, you know? Even though I was kind of freaked out, I realized…this is really happening. I’m going to have this little thing growing inside me and then I’ll have a child depending on me. How did you feel when you found out I was coming?”
“I had a lot of the same feelings. I was thrilled, especially when I thought about the possibility of having a little girl. At the same time, I was terrified of getting too off-track with my residency or being an inadequate mother. It turns out that second fear came true, given the difficult past. But after I went back to work, I frequently counted down the hours until I could hold you in my arms again. Same when Drew was born. I loved each of you from the moment I knew I was pregnant.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of a feeling.” Caitlyn put a hand to her stomach and looked down. “I know it’s going to be some time before I can feel the baby move and they can hear, but I can’t stop doing this. I found myself saying hello to him or her last night and introducing myself as their mother. Is that weird?”
“Not at all. I think it’s great that you’re already building a connection. That’ll make the milestones in your pregnancy feel that much sweeter.”
“I already can’t wait.”
When Janet told Caitlyn she had to get going to prep for her afternoon appointments, they both seemed like they didn’t want to leave each other. On the way out of the cafeteria, Janet took Caitlyn’s arm in hers, which was something they tended to do as a form of affection while walking together.
“It sounds like your pregnancy is off to a good start,” she said. “The appetite issue, especially if you’re having morning sickness, isn’t unusual. And you’re in good shape. Just schedule that first prenatal appointment as soon as you can. It’s going to be a lot; you may feel more overwhelmed than you do today. But feel free to ask me anything about what OB visits are like or what to expect when you’re in labor, and if you’re thinking about getting a new doctor, I can make some suggestions.
“For now, just rely on your amazing self and finish breaking the news to everyone. Let yourself dream, too. Look at baby clothes or imagine how you want to decorate the nursery. There’s a lot of fun in welcoming a new baby; don’t get so wrapped up in your fears that you ignore it.”
“You’re right. You know…maybe this is going to be easier than I’m thinking. It’s still a huge change, but I’m looking forward to telling more people, and I guess talking to Sean won’t be so bad.”
“Just one more question…” Janet turned to Caitlyn and gave her a curious look. “How do you want me to handle the news? Can I call Abby or talk to Archie and Cate when I see them, or would you prefer that I didn’t until you finish talking to everyone you need to talk to?”
“Oh, yeah, you can tell your friends! I don’t really care. I mean, I’d prefer if you add that I’m still in the first trimester and that even though everything is going well, I’m cautiously optimistic. But I don’t think your friends have any mutual friends with me, so it’s fine. Especially since Abby is in Boston. In fact, if you weren’t excited about this, I’d be worried.”
“Well, don’t lose any sleep over that. Let me know if you want to go on a shopping trip for baby stuff or maternity clothes, and in the meantime, when I’m not sharing my own news, I’ll be thinking about that shower I’m going to give you. You can refer your stepmother to me if she mentions anything, and hopefully she and I can mutually plan something special.”
“Thanks, Mom.” They got out of the elevator at Janet’s clinic, and Caitlyn gave her a hug. “You know, in a world where ethics and stuff didn’t exist, you’d be my doctor. But since you can’t, I’ll call my gyno’s office when she gets back next week and schedule a prenatal visit. I’ll let you know how everything goes.”
“Beautiful. Call or text if you need anything at all. I’ll do what I can.”
“OK.” They hugged again, and Caitlyn watched Janet greet her staff and start talking shop before she headed back downstairs, and she ran into Archie one more time.
“Hey. Long time, no see,” she said with a laugh. “How’s the iPad?”
“I gave up on it for now. How did everything go with your mom?”
“All good news, actually. I stopped by to tell her I’m going to have a baby.”
“Really? No kidding!” He smiled and gave her a hug. “Well, congratulations. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it from your mom, but I hope you have a great pregnancy. Claudia’s expecting too, but she’s having twins; maybe my kids and your baby will be friends someday.”
“Aw, I’m happy for you guys too! And maybe when Mom tells you, pretend you had no idea.”
“I tend to have no idea about things anyway, so I don’t have to fake it. Glad you came to share good news. Good luck with everything, and don’t be a stranger. I’m sure Claudia would have fun comparing notes with another pregnant woman.”
“Thanks.”
When Caitlyn got back outside, she noticed the sun was shining as brightly as ever, and it made her remember to appreciate the journey she was about to go on. Nine months would go fast, after all, and she was grateful that she and Janet had gotten to a point where they would have the experience together.