Work Text:
Happy Birthday, Emma Grace!
Born: 8:14 a.m., April 16, 2015, weighing 7 pounds 15 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long.
Caitlyn read the card for at least the third time and smiled. It was tradition at Mercy to give the parents of every newborn baby a birthday card. The inside of the card had the new baby’s name and date and time of birth, and then the mother’s OB or postpartum nurse added a special handwritten message:
Emma, may you grow up surrounded by love and see all your dreams come true!
All the best, Corinne
Corinne had been Caitlyn’s OB nurse through most of her active labor, which lasted about 16 hours from the time she was admitted to the hospital, and then worked with Janet to coach her during the delivery. Sean had been in the room too, willing to do what it took to show he was ready to be a supportive father despite the fact that they were no longer together.
Labor hadn’t been as scary as Caitlyn had feared, especially with Janet nearby for about half the process. (Janet had gone home during the night to get some sleep since there wasn’t room for both her and Sean to stay in the hospital, although she was worried that Emma would be born while she was gone and she’d miss out on seeing her first grandchild enter the world.) The worst part for her was when the epidural was turned down and she knew it was getting near time to push, especially since something could still go wrong, like Emma turning breech or getting the cord wrapped around her neck. But Janet played a huge part in keeping her focused on the finish line, reminding her not to worry about something that hadn’t happened. Emma had tolerated labor well and had a good fetal heart rate throughout, after all.
Finally, after about an hour of pushing and Caitlyn crying through the pain at times, her baby girl entered the world, letting out her first cry almost immediately after being delivered. Then, she sobbed herself when Emma was placed on her chest for the first time and she looked down at her brown eyes and instantly held her pinky finger, saying hello and expressing gratitude for the fact that she had had a safe and uncomplicated delivery.
Now, she was eating lunch and looking forward to showering later that afternoon. Sean had left the hospital to call his parents, who were flying in from his home state of Minnesota, to make sure they were doing OK with getting a flight and a hotel room. He also had to meet them at the airport after getting a few hours of sleep. Caitlyn had met his mother, Patricia, at her baby shower, and Patricia let her know that relationship status didn’t matter; only love and support for the baby did, and it was clear to her that Sean would be a good father.
So, in the meantime, it was just her and Janet in the room. Janet was sitting in a rocking chair holding Emma while Caitlyn ate her first full post-birth meal, a fast food cheeseburger and a salad. When she’d first been offered something to eat, she was so tired that all she had the energy to ask for was a donut and coffee. But it wasn’t long before her stomach started growling, and Sean had made sure to bring her lunch before going home.
“Well, Emma, looks like your mother is pretty ravenous, but who could blame her?” Janet smiled down at her granddaughter. “That’s OK, though. We need to let her relax and rest. She waited a long time for you, both over the last nine months and the last day and a half. I think she deserves that cheeseburger. Not to mention, she was a total star in labor and delivery, impressing her very own Doctor Mom.” She recalled getting a phone call from Caitlyn while she was at work (ironically, she was getting ready to help one of her patients deliver) that the contractions were starting but not close enough together to go to the hospital. It took until later afternoon for the contractions to intensify and Caitlyn and Sean to head off to Mercy.
“And besides that, I think you’re more in love with her than I am,” Caitlyn said. “It looked like you were crying almost as much as I was when she came out. You were trying to hide it, but I could tell.”
“I didn’t want to overshadow you. I’m sorry if you think I did.”
“I didn’t take it that way at all. Besides, everything was happening so fast once I knew I was getting down to the final pushes, and I was so exhausted I barely noticed anyone or anything else. One minute, Dr. McLaughlin was telling me the head was almost out and the next thing I realized, she was holding Emma up for me to see. I’m glad she got here in time because it was so much less stressful to have my own OB here, even though I know Dr. Steinberg would have been perfectly capable of handling the delivery. She was only a few days off when she initially predicted the due date, after all.”
“Sometimes, it’s better to have an experienced doctor rather than a resident. It’s your first baby; I can understand why you felt that way.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t have to have a section. I had a dilemma every time I thought about the possibility of it. I knew I pretty much would have had to ask Sean to be in the OR if it came down to it, but I also wanted you since you’ve done the procedure so many times and would explain everything to me. So, not only did labor go well, I didn’t have to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
Janet shook her head. “I wouldn’t have been upset. I think I would have become an overbearing doctor in there instead of being your mother, and you told me that you’d throw me out of the delivery if I argued with Dr. McLaughlin. The last thing I wanted to do was piss you off during one of the biggest moments of your life.
“But now that it’s safely after the fact, I’ll let you in on a secret: Sean told me that if you had needed to go in for a C-section that he would have watched from the observation deck and let me stay with you.”
“He didn’t! Why wouldn’t he want to be there?”
“He said he knew how important my presence was to you and that I’m the expert here anyway. I couldn’t tell for sure, but he seemed worried he wouldn’t have what it took to keep you calm even though he’s an ER doctor and used to high-stress situations. You know how it goes…we’re professionals every day, but as soon as we’re the patients or trying to support our loved ones, we sometimes can’t be objective and feel like we need to question everything.’
“Oh, that sounds familiar. I know someone just like that.” Caitlyn giggled and winked at Janet, and then took out the chocolate chip cookies she had requested for dessert. “You want one?”
“Sure.”
“And could you bring Emma back over and sit next to me? I think I’ll have to feed her soon. Oh God…breastfeeding. I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“They should have formula and bottles here if you don’t want to nurse. We keep them on the postpartum floor at County for the same reason. Just make sure the nurse knows your preference and you’ll be fine; they won’t judge you.” Janet sat down on the bed. “Do you want to take her back or finish your cookies first?”
“The right answer is obvious, but oh it’s a tough choice.” She looked at Emma. “Hey, honey. I promise I’m almost done.”
Emma let out a slight yawn and fussed, and Janet quickly handed her back over.
“Shh…” Caitlyn started rubbing her head to soothe her. “Mom’s here. You’re going to eat soon. I don’t know how that’s going to look, but we’ll manage. No matter what, though, I can’t believe you’re mine. Did you know I’ve loved the name Emma for years? I knew what I wanted to name you as soon as I found out you were a girl.”
“Did you also have the middle name planned before you were pregnant?” Janet asked. “Just curious.”
“No. I originally planned for her to be Emma Rose. I ended up going with Grace for the middle name, though, because…” She stopped when she felt some tears forming and reached for a tissue. “Sorry. This is the first time you’re hearing this. I picked it because it symbolized our relationship these last few years and the love we have as mother and daughter. Sean knows the story, though, because I asked him if he liked the name so if he didn’t, he could give his input or suggestion. He was pretty agreeable, though, but he’s always been understanding of my background and how you and I put things back together. I just wanted to honor you in some way because let’s be honest, I was not going to name my daughter Janet.”
“That’s fair. I wouldn’t recommend that.” They both started laughing.
“Although,” Caitlyn added. “I did think about using your middle name for hers.”
“Louise certainly isn’t as bad, but still old-fashioned in this day and age. But I like Grace. And that word means a lot to me too. I wouldn’t be sober for almost 20 years without it, after all.”
“I’m so glad you’re still doing well. I’ve actually been able to worry less about you the last few years. I know it took me forever, but I’ve realized that you know yourself and what works. But now that Emma’s here, I was thinking…I have to let you go in a way. Don’t panic, though. I don’t mean that we’re moving to Minnesota or will keep you from her or anything extreme. It’s just…”
“Things are going to be different,” Janet said, finishing the sentence. She gave Emma another loving glance. “You’re a mother now, and you’re going to be building a family with Sean and figuring out what’s best for your own child. It won’t necessarily be what I thought was best for you. It’s your turn to raise a daughter and keep her safe, love her unconditionally. That said, being a mother is a lifelong job. Mine is only done to the extent that I’ve raised you and tried to teach you well, and I hope you can pass some of that down to Emma.
“But I will still be there for you. You can call me around her bath time or bedtime and let me know how the routine’s going, or if you’re not sure what to do to get her down for a nap and you need some suggestions. And if you need time to breathe when she’s at Sean’s house, you can always stop by the hospital or come over depending on my schedule. I’ll take you to get some coffee or food, or you can just sit with me and talk. You may be a mother, but you still need yours. Trust me on this.”
“I know I will. And Emma needs her grandparents. Speaking of which, it’s not going to be quiet in here much longer. I should shower before Dad and Melanie arrive, and I know Patricia and Jack will be here later or tomorrow, and Drew at some point in the next few days…oh God. I guess this is what it’s like to be a mother. Everyone wants to see the baby all the time.”
“The fuss will die down,” Janet assured her, running a hand through her hair. “This is just the initial excitement. But one of the perks of having a baby is that you’re in charge. You get to set visiting hours, if you will, once you go home. And even today, if you get tired or sense that Emma needs to rest or be fed, you can tell everyone that’s enough and to get a move on. Nicely, of course. Don’t be like me. Just make sure everyone washes their hands before they hold her.”
“I’m really glad I had these few hours with just the three of us…well, now it’s been two since Sean had to leave. But thank you for coming back here and helping me through everything. I’m sure you hadn’t gone to bed as late as you did last night since residency.”
“Mothers do anything for their children. And I have to tell you, I’m proud of you.”
“Really? For giving birth?” Caitlyn laughed. “You see it every day.”
“I don’t see my daughter give birth every day,” Janet corrected her. “I know how nerve wracking this was for you, especially this last week or two when we knew it could be any day now. From what Sean told me I missed before I got back here and how I saw you go through the pregnancy and the labor and delivery, you were as strong as I thought you would be, especially when you were pushing.”
“That’s actually when I felt my weakest. I was so afraid I wouldn’t have the strength to get through it, especially after all the reading I did about how I could end up pushing for a few hours and how much longer everything takes when it’s your first child. But I was definitely relieved when I got to rest and Corinne checked on Emma’s heart rate and position.”
“Emma was just in a hurry to meet you; that’s all. Think of it that way.”
“Were you excited to see me?” Caitlyn asked her daughter. “Believe me, I felt the same way about you. When I got tired, I just thought about how I’d get to look at you and hold you when I was done. Your grandmother told me how much she loved me when I was a baby, and I hope I can do the same for you.” She looked back up at Janet and smiled.
“I’m so glad you were here,” she said. “I’m proud of you too, for continuing to stay well and respecting what I needed and wanted while I was pregnant. I’m grateful for everything you’ve given and done for me, like planning the baby shower and getting along with Melanie when she wanted to help. And I was so happy you were part of the group who came to the ultrasound when I found out I was having a girl. I’ll never forget that; there was so much happiness in the room that day. Now I can’t wait to see what the future brings, and I’m so happy we’re close and you’re going to be here for it.”
“Well, I’m looking forward to being a part of your next chapter. Once you settle in, I have no doubt you’re going to be an amazing mom. And thank you for giving me a chance to earn my way back into your life. The intense conversations and tears we cried together have been well worth it to get to this moment. I love you, always.”
“I know. I love you too.”
Caitlyn took Emma’s hand again. “And your grandmother and I love you,” she added. “What do you think, Emma Grace? Your dad and I have a great team around us to help you navigate this world. You in?”
Emma tried to open her eyes more and cooed, and all of a sudden, Caitlyn didn’t feel tired anymore. A rush of joy came over her, a different one than she felt when Emma was delivered, and she was now looking forward to experiencing everything motherhood had to offer.
It wasn’t always going to be easy, but she had the love and support of her own mother behind her, and it was hard to ask for anything better than that.