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The first time that it happens, Nagi’s awake. He’s stayed up a little later than usual, playing through the latest patch of a computer game, and gotten totally absorbed in it. When sleep finally tugs at his eyelids and lures him to bed, he’s almost forgotten about his phone, left on his pillow, until he falls against it.
“Ow,” He mutters, rubbing his head. Out of habit, he turns his phone on without expecting anything to show on its screen, but surprisingly, he has notifications.
Notifications from Reo.
Reo’s calls have gone straight to voicemail, given that Nagi’s phone is perpetually on silent. Reo’s left him three voicemails, and unease starts to kindle in Nagi’s stomach. Everything had seemed fine earlier, when they had videocalled in the afternoon. Maybe it still is okay, and it’s about something else. He could just call now — it would be easier that way — but then he figures that Reo wouldn’t want to explain himself again, and if Nagi needs to think a lot about how to respond, he’ll be able to. Also, if Reo’s sleeping now, Nagi should let him sleep. So Nagi opens up the messages instead, and lays in the dark, letting Reo’s velvety voice wash over him from the small, dim screen.
my wife (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡
FRIDAY at 3:20 AM:
Transcription: “Nagi? Hi, my loveee. [a pause stretches, taut like a rubber band] Actually — never mind. I don’t know how to — how to say what I wanna say... Fuck, I can barely hear myself. [in the background: the distant but undeniable thrum of music] I’mmm at this party — got dragged along last minute, but ugh, I’m literally hiding out in the bathroom — know how I told you about all that shallow, petty shit back in Hakuho? It feels like… feels like that. Can’t think, I uh… I think, I think I feel sick. I think I’m gonna go... go home. [loud, impatient knocking echoes] Oh, fuck off, I’m opening the door, shut up—”
FRIDAY at 3:33 AM:
Transcription: “Gonna walk home… Wish I could talk to you on the way, but… don’t wanna wake you up. [a low, considering hum] Don’t worry! I can just pretend I’m talking to you, if I pick the brightest star in the sky… I can say, ‘Oh, that’s Nagi!’ and… fuck, now I don’t know what to talk about, haha! But I can always say that I love you, right? Don’t need a reason. Love you, Nagi, love youu. [a kiss is pressed against the phone with a soft, sweet sound].
FRIDAY at 3:58 AM:
Transcription: “Okayyy, I’m back at my place — I think you’re asleep, I just… wanted someone to know. Wanted you to know. I almost wish we were in different time zones, so… wait, ones where we’d be awake and free at the same time. Can’t think right now. Which ones would that be…? But if I’m wishing for something, it would… be in the same place as you — oh, fuck. [unintelligible muttering, a muffled thump] Dropped my keys, ugh… I think I just hit my head on the door, but I don’t know… it’s been killing me since… uhhh… how many drinks was that…? Hey, know how I carry you around? Wish you… wish you could carry me now, Nagi. [there’s the faint sound of a door opening and closing; Reo’s keys clink as they’re tossed into the table; his shoes thud against the wall as they’re kicked off. His clothes rustle as he shrugs them off, and so do his sheets as he slides into bed with a sigh] Wish you were here… wish I could come home and hold you… mm… good night, my treasure [another kiss is tiredly, weakly pressed against the phone] .”
The messages end, but Nagi keeps staring at his screen until it goes dark. He doesn’t know for how long, but Reo’s words keep colliding in his head like trains on intersecting tracks. He doesn’t know what to do; Reo’s probably asleep now, but he had been drunk and upset. And lonely. Their first year of university, naturally, has challenged them both, but Reo, as always, has been excelling. Reo had seemingly made lots of friends, but now, Nagi has a sinking feeling that they’ve revealed themselves to be insincere. He had been thankful for them, the people who could keep Reo company when he couldn’t, but now — Nagi’s stomach twists as he worries about his partner.
It’s a seven hour trip to Reo’s university; not the worst, but with the amount of commitments that Reo has, they can’t always spend the weekends together. It’s been over a month since their last visit, with life becoming busier for both of them. Nagi’s been forced to put in more than his usual two weeks of studying for upcoming exams, while Reo’s been managing classes, far too many extracurriculars, and an internship. They both still play soccer, but it’s not as fun while they’re apart. Still, when they meet up, they practice together like they did in high school. Sometimes, Reo makes the trip over even if it was just to sleep together for a night, and have a few meals together, but both of them tend to work better alone, too distracted and greedy in each other’s presence.
Nagi misses him, but the love that Reo showers on him is an everpresent warmth. The text messages, the videocalls, the care packages. His apartment is covered in reminders of Reo: photos of them together, Nagi’s halves of their matching clothes strewn about, the decor that Reo had picked out when Nagi had moved in. There’s a vase of preserved purple roses in Nagi’s kitchen, but even without any of this around him, Nagi would think of him.
Nagi falls asleep holding his phone, worries swirling in his chest.
He dreams, as always, of Reo.
When Nagi wakes up at noon, there are more messages from Reo.
my wife (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡
6:10 AM: [Image attached: a blurry sunrise, the left corner blotted out completely by a clumsily placed thumb.]
6:12 AM: Going on my run! The sky is beautiful! (≡^∇^≡)
6:13 AM: wait actually
6:13 AM: let me take that properly! want you to see it~
6:13 AM: [Image attached: Reo sticking out his tongue, flashing a peace sign against the backdrop of a blue, pink, and gold sunrise.]
6:15 AM: I hope you’re having sweet dreams, my treasure!! I love you!!! ૮ ˶´ ᵕˋ ˶ა♡♡
There’s a few more images, after. There’s Reo after a shower, wet hair curling beneath his chin, a stray strand falling against his smirk. Water pearls against his body and his gray towel is slung low; his abstract brushwork tattoo peeks out from where it runs up his right leg to his right hip — if Nagi were beside him, it would connect with his own, the brushstrokes beginning on his left hip and moving up his left arm like tendrils of smoke. Looking at it, Nagi touches his arm and feels heat rise in his cheeks. They’d gotten the tattoos before starting university, a way to always be together. Nagi wants nothing more than to touch the ink that maps Reo’s body, and marks him as his other half. He dutifully saves both the sunset and shower pictures, adding them to his collection of Reo-wallpapers that change every hour. It’s too difficult to pick just one, and luckily, he doesn’t have to.
There’s a picture of the breakfast Reo had cooked too, fit for the king he is and placed in front of a vase of white roses, brushed with gold by the sunlight streaming through the window. And finally, there’s Reo’s laptop and books, opened up next to a can of iced lemon tea, taken at Reo’s university’s library. No golden sunlight here, only stark fluorescence.
10:00 AM: Got a lemon tea in your honor~
10:00 AM: Now to write this paper! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ
10:11 AM: Tell me about your day whenever you can, baby! ♡♡♡
No mention of last night. Is he pushing himself, or is he okay now? Did he just need to sleep it off? Nagi squints at the pictures as if there could be a clue in Reo’s bright expression. But the more he zooms in, there’s only more pixels to stare at.
Hesitantly, Nagi begins to type out responses, but none feel quite right. He types and deletes, types and deletes, blowing out a frustrated breath.
are u ok
call if u need me
happy u made it home safe, are u ok
call me next time reo pls? keep calling until i wake up.
idk which of ur friends fucked up but fuck those bastards u dont need them
He settles on sending reooo let’s call tn ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡. There. That’ll give Reo a chance to bring up last night’s voicemails, and Nagi can follow his lead. Usually Reo tells Nagi whatever’s on his mind, so if he doesn’t want to talk about it, perhaps it’s best not to dwell on it. Reo is someone who always moves forward, after all. Nagi doesn’t want to embarrass him or make him sad.
Reo doesn’t reply immediately, but that’s okay. Nagi should get on with his day, too. He slides out of bed, pricking Choki good morning on his way to defrost something for breakfast. He considers taking a photo of it like Reo did, but it’s not anything special, and Reo will probably worry that he isn’t eating enough. During his last visit, Reo had brought near endless containers of food, stocking his fridge to the brim. Those were good when Reo was there to feed him, and they were okay when he had to make himself eat. They’re all gone now, and Nagi can’t bring himself to cook or even eat that much, really, so frozen food, protein shakes, and convenience store meals are what he’ll eat until Reo inevitably sends him a care package again. It feels a little pathetic, but he’s still comparatively doing better than he was before he met Reo, so — it’s fine, for now. School won’t be able to drag him down forever. In the end, he sends Reo a photo of a can of lemon tea, writing we match, accompanied by his favorite alien sticker, slumped but offering a thumbs up. He sends a photo of Choki, too, as he usually does, after drawing a smiling face onto Choki’s head.
Reo calls later in the evening. Nagi’s on the way back from soccer practice, letting the wind dry his skin as he walks in the setting sun. Immediately, he picks up, heart in his throat. “Reo!”
“Nagi!” Reo says brightly. As far as Nagi can tell, there’s no trace of the tiredness or sadness from last night. He hopes that Reo got to take a nap, or something. “How’s my treasure doing?”
“Fine,” Nagi says. He’s not the best at phone calls, or texting, but Reo doesn’t ever seem to mind. “How are you?”
“Oh, fine, fine,” Reo echoes. “Same bullshit as usual. I worked on my paper, but I have to go to a meeting tonight for the business society, and I really don’t want to.”
“Don’t go,” Nagi says automatically. “Stay in, let’s watch TV, Reo.”
“I wish,” Reo sighs, and it’s nearly palpable, how wishful he really does sound. “But we’re planning an event for next week — so last minute, I know — and since I’m on the leadership committee, I need to be there. What kind of impression would I make otherwise? Gotta work my way up to president eventually.”
“Reo’s so earnest,” Nagi murmurs, tugging at the strings of his sports jacket. “Are you guys hanging out after?”
“Maybe,” Reo says. “We’re meeting at Kana’s house, so I assume there’ll be food and drinks and whatever. It won’t be too bad, I’m just…”
Reo trails off. Nagi waits, and the silence stretches. It isn’t too uncomfortable, but Nagi doesn’t dare to breathe, waiting for whatever Reo might confide in him. Is he going to tell Nagi that he’s tired? Upset? Angry? Are these the friends who screwed him over?
“I’ll just drink another coffee before I go,” Reo finally says.
“Good luck, boss,” Nagi says. “Don’t work too hard.” After a moment, he can’t resist adding, “Tell me when you get home.” He and Reo have their locations shared with each other, but Nagi rarely checks it. It’s better to hear from Reo.
“Of course,” Reo says, a teasing lilt rejuvenating his tone. “What kind of wife would I be if I made you worry?”
“The best one,” Nagi pouts. “Always.”
Reo’s laugh rings through the phone as loudly as if he were right beside Nagi. Nagi’s sure that Reo can imagine his expression perfectly right now, and sure enough, Reo says, “You’re pouting, aren’t you?”
“No,” Nagi says, pouting harder, and Reo laughs again before kissing the phone, the sound of it echoing through Nagi’s body, like how, through a conch shell, blood can roar like the ocean.
“I love you,” Reo says fondly.
“I love you most.” Nagi kisses the phone back, making sure he’s loud enough for Reo to hear it.
“Sappy,” Reo says. It sounds like a sigh. It sounds like the wind. It sounds like Reo, too far away for Nagi to hold him. Nagi feels like he’s run too fast, too hard, and his chest is tight.
“I learned from the sappiest,” he manages. “Everything I know now, it’s because of Reo.”
“Oh, you’re just saying that!” Reo laughs. Nagi purses his lips, sorting through what he should choose from the unlimited possibilities of what Reo’s done for him, and he’s still thinking when Reo says, “I have to go, but I’ll text you tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” Nagi hesitates, and then adds, “You can call if you need to.”
“That’s sweet of you, but I doubt it’ll be that bad!” Reo says. “I love you, my treasure. Have a good evening, okay? Tell me about it later!”
“Gotcha, boss. Love you too.”
They kiss over the line again before the call disconnects, and Nagi is left to let the breeze push his heavy feet home.
Nagi tends to fall asleep on the couch after practices, especially when there isn’t anything planned with Reo. When he wakes up, the sky is dark, and the world is quiet.
Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Nagi reaches for his phone. He wonders how Reo’s night went: hopefully there was no issue with the meeting planning, and Reo is fast asleep.
There are two new voicemails, left an hour ago. There is also a text, stating that he’s home. Good.
my wife (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡
SATURDAY at 12:50 AM:
Transcription: [muffled, staticky, as if within a pocket] “Oh, fuck… where are my shoes? I don’t know what’s happening to me, when did I become soo fucking forgetful… oh, there! [the sound of stumbling, and then a door, opening and closing] Okay, which way is home… this way? Yeah, let’s try this way…”
SATURDAY at 12:55 AM:
Transcription: “So. Mmm. Feels like I’m thinking about everything and nothing right now. I didn’t finish that paper, and I couldn’t stop myself from taking on too much work again at the meeting, and now I’m regretting it — I just, I have these ideas, I know they’ll be worth it, and I’m like, why not, I can make it happen! [slurred, incomprehensible mumbling, a delayed laugh that tapers off into rueful silence] I’m Mikage Reo! [another long pause] So what the hell, why don’t I feel like myself at all…? Trying to relax with everyone didn’t help, either. Couldn’t shake this… this feeling off. Felt like I was playing a part, and my head hurts again. Drank too fast, wanted to get it over with… Mm… making a voice memo felt like a good idea, but I can’t figure out how to explain anything now. Okay, so, have to finish the paper, have to get my shit together for this event, and order Nagi food, it’s been too long… have to call my parents back… oh, whatever. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. It would’ve been good if I could’ve just watched TV with Nagi. Can’t I just do that? I’m so fucking tired, so fucking tired, can’t it all just stop?”
“You can,” Nagi whispers, to the Reo of an hour ago, to the Reo that’s thousands of miles away. He knows Reo can’t, but — he wishes he could make it happen. He wishes Reo were with him right now, cuddled up with him under Nagi’s purple blankets, their matching tattoos bleeding into each other as they become whole, finally beside each other again.
His heart keeps sinking, though, as he realizes Reo must’ve felt this way for much longer than a day. It wasn’t just a bad party or two. Something’s shaken Reo to the point where he doesn’t feel like himself.
Both of them have always struggled to fit in with others, albeit for different reasons. Nagi had tolerated it until Reo had disrupted his resigned acceptance of a boring life, but still, loneliness isn’t a stranger. He just knows that there’s something — someone — better waiting on the other side now.
But Reo needs someone now. Reo needs him.
He wonders if he should ask Reo to visit — it might be good for Reo to get away from everything at his university, and if Nagi asks, Reo won’t say no. But Reo’s busy and stressed out already — even if Nagi thinks it could be good for him, there’s no guarantee it would work out, and Nagi doesn’t want to make his partner even more miserable.
Unable to help it, he listens to Reo’s voicemails again, from Friday to Saturday.
Wish you were here, Reo had said, wish I could come home and hold you. Wish I could be in the same place as you. Wish you could carry me. I don’t feel like myself. Couldn’t I have just watched TV with you?
Instantly, Nagi knows what he has to do. He doesn’t know if Reo will see it — likely not, but that’s fine — but he fires off a text anyway before shoving his phone into his pocket and hurrying to pack a bag. Toothbrush — even though Reo always has so many spares —, clothes, wallet, Reo’s apartment’s key, coffee milk and snacks for the drive.
> I’m coming over.
Nagi rarely uses his car; it’s a gift from Reo, as most things are, but Nagi finds it easier to order in or doze off on public transport. Now, he’s rushing to it, fumbling with his keys and slamming the pedals. The car jerks forward; he hadn’t put it in reverse, yet, and he nearly hits the apartment building.
“Fuck,” Nagi mutters, fumbling to reverse. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”
He wants to call Reo, but he doesn’t want to wake him up, and he doesn’t know what to say either. He’s always been better at showing Reo how he feels instead of telling him, and he wonders if that might be part of the problem, now that they haven’t seen each other in a while.
But hasn’t he always listened? Hasn’t he been the one that Reo’s confided in since their second year of high school? Or is there something that Reo’s keeping from him, too? He might be overreacting, but he just really can’t handle it, knowing that something’s wrong and Reo’s alone and struggling. Why shouldn’t Nagi go to him? If he can do something, why not?
Seven hours. Just seven more hours until he sees Reo.
When Reo wakes up, Nagi will be there for him.
Nagi’s pulling into the parking lot of Reo’s apartment complex when his phone starts to ring. Seeing my wife づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡ flash across the screen, Nagi smiles, popping the phone up to nestle it between his ear and shoulder.
“Hey, boss.”
“You’re coming over?” Reo says, clearly still half-asleep but undoubtedly frazzled. Nagi can hear the rustle of his sheets as he gets out of bed. “Today? What time? I need to clean—”
“I’m already here,” Nagi says, making his way up the stairs, taking them in sets of three. He doesn’t have the time or the patience to wait for the elevator right now, not when he can be so much faster. “Open the door in… a minute, maybe.”
“Really?” Reo sounds breathlessly happy, and Nagi could melt into a puddle on the ground, but he’ll have to wait until he’s crossed one more flight of stairs, and then he can collapse safely into Reo’s arms. His grand plans of cleaning Reo’s apartment and cooking for him are slowly starting to crumble as his adrenaline wears off, and all he really wants to do now is bundle up with Reo and sleep. They can tackle whatever Reo needs to do after, together.
At least he had gotten that nap in before he had left, but still. Driving seven hours and barely stopping takes its toll.
Reo’s waiting in the open doorway for him, rocking back and forth on his heels. When he sees Nagi, his bleary eyes brighten and he waves excitedly.
One step, two, three — Nagi closes the distance between them, catching Reo in his arms and swinging him around. Reo laughs, burying his face in Nagi’s neck. Nagi catches the scent of lavender, soothing and so, so Reo. He knows he doesn’t smell half as nice, but Reo doesn’t care. As his feet settle back onto the ground, he kisses Nagi, sweet and soft-lipped, yet hard and desperate.
Nagi’s missed him so, so much.
“Am I dreaming? Are you really here?” Reo says once they break apart, foreheads resting together. “Nagi, did you drive all night?! Or take a train—”
“Drove all night,” Nagi says, and at the moment, finally yawns. Reo laughs in surprise, reaching up to cup his cheek. There are dark circles underneath Reo’s eyes, his silk robe is slipping off his shoulders, and his hair is rumpled from sleep — Nagi has never loved him more, and he knows that tomorrow, he’ll love him exponentially more, the way he’s done for their entire life together.
“I’m happy, but,” Reo says, running his thumb over Nagi’s cheek, “why? I mean, so suddenly—”
“Because Reo was sad,” Nagi says. Surprise and embarrassment flashes across Reo’s face.
“H-how’d you know?” Reo manages. His hand pauses, then drops to the loose front of his robe, uneasily clutching at it.
Nagi ushers Reo back into the apartment, figuring it’ll be better to talk in there, before he thrusts over his phone, open to the voicemails. Reo squints at it, and as it sinks in, starts to turn red.
“I sent you those?” Reo says. “Oh, fuck.”
“Reo really forgot?” Nagi asks. He shakes the phone a little, as if it’ll jog Reo’s memories.
Reo flushes deeper, sinking down to sit at the kitchen table. “I thought I was talking to myself , but that explains why I couldn’t find any of my memos later…”
“Why didn’t you talk to me for real?” Nagi frowns. Reo’s brow furrows, as if mirroring Nagi’s frown, and he gestures for Nagi to sit, too. Like a dog unaware that he's no longer a puppy, Nagi settles onto Reo’s lap, wrapping his arms around Reo’s neck. Reo laughs softly, but Nagi’s frown remains.
Maybe Nagi should feel embarrassed, barging in like this and possibly making things worse, but if he doesn’t know what’s wrong, there’s no way to make it better — especially not when he’s usually so far away. And he doesn’t want this to go on any longer than it has to.
“I don’t want to bother you,” Reo says quietly. “I’m handling it, Nagi, I can’t expect you to drop everything just because… fuck, do I even want to know what those voicemails say? I don’t remember, but I’m guessing I said something that worried you. This kind of thing comes and goes, my treasure, and I’m glad you’re here, but I’m sor—”
“No apologies,” Nagi interrupts, unable to help himself. “Bother me. Be a hassle. Be a pain in the ass. Keep me up. I don’t care, Reo. If it’s you, it’s fine.”
“You say that, but you don’t mean it,” Reo smiles thinly. “You’re fine as you are, love, don’t push yourself.”
“But I want to,” Nagi insists. “Reo, you can’t — you can’t tell me not to change after you’ve already changed me.”
“Then what are you going to do when I wake you up, then? When I cut into your little free time? When life is already so hard for you, how can I?” Reo’s tone is light, as is his touch as he traces over Nagi’s bangs, pushing them back gently. His expression, though, is stubbornly firm. “Have some faith in me, Nagi, really.”
“It’s not hard,” Nagi says. “Not anymore. Not since I met you.”
That’s not exactly true, because life can still be a total pain in the ass, but not in the same way as before. Life’s challenges are worth overcoming, now. He has a reason to get up — he has a future to work to. He’s learned what it feels like to overcome frustration, to win and feel the ultimate high, to want something and work for it. Reo helped him with all of that. The distance they’re enduring now is for the sake of their future — for their dream to build the best life that they can together.
“Maybe it’s your awakened genius,” Reo says. “I haven’t done much, baby, I can’t take credit for that.”
“Sure you can,” Nagi says. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Reo should believe me, too.”
I thought I was the one you could tell anything to.
“I know I don’t need the same things you do,” Nagi continues hurriedly, doing his best not to overthink his words, and when Reo chokes out a laugh, he flushes. “You know what I mean… for me, it feels like Reo and I are together no matter what. But if you’re having a hard time, don’t hide from me, Reo. I thought we weren’t like that.”
It’s then that his stomach growls, and for a moment, there’s silence. And then Reo bursts out laughing, bright and genuine, and Nagi smiles helplessly.
“Well, maybe I’ll leave you more drunk voicemails if it means we can have breakfast together like this,” Reo says, a touch shy as he gets up, readjusting his robe over his shoulders. Nagi follows, tugging it back down, and Reo laughs again, swatting at him. “Still embarrassing though, I wasn’t thinking properly at all. You’re right, Nagi — you’re not someone I want to hide from. I’m — okay, okay, I won’t apologize, don’t make that face!”
“Be like me, and just don’t think,” Nagi instructs, trapping Reo in his arms and kissing his forehead with an intentionally loud smooch. “But I get it. Loneliness feels pretty cringe.”
“It does, doesn’t it,” Reo snorts. But he lets Nagi kiss him all over, from his hair to his nose to his cheeks to his lips, finally, sinking in deep and slow, and Nagi thinks, even if you forget everything else, can you remember this? Standing in Reo’s sunlit kitchen, drinking him in, there’s no way for Nagi to feel lonely right now.
“That’s why you don’t need to feel it with me,” Nagi continues quietly, breaking their kiss off before he forgets the point he wants to prove. “Don’t just pretend to talk to me, Reo. Do it — you’ve given me so many chances, can’t you give me one more?”
Please. Please let me do this for you.
“I’ll try, my treasure,” Reo says, softening. It’s as if the sunlight is melting him, but he’s only looking at Nagi, standing in his shadow. “Can’t promise I’ll be perfect. but you know I always find my footing eventually.” With a cheeky grin, he adds, “I’m Mikage Reo, after all.”
Nagi slumps against him with relief, nuzzling against the top of his head and rumpling purple locks even more. Reo gives a delighted laugh, reaching up to ruffle his white hair to make it match.
“After breakfast, we’re gonna watch shitty TV, and you’re gonna hold me as tight as you want, and I want to hear you complain about everything ,” Nagi says. “And when I can’t stay awake anymore, we can nap.”
“Yes, boss,” Reo grins, teasingly saluting him, and Nagi bites back a fond laugh as he softly replies, “Good boy.”