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Chapter 1- The end before the beginning
Merlin twisted the handle, something he hadn’t thought of doing all this time. Ever since the voice called out to him, telling him of his predicament. It was so simple, there was no way it would work. The handle dipped and Merlin heard the faintest click sound from it. His brain numbed, all the anticipation and agony that had built up for so long disappearing in an instant. The strength he felt in his pursuit for freedom was lost. His near lame arms pulled the door open without his brain's knowledge, the light of the outside world pouring into the small room. The light was natural, in stark contrast to the bare lifelessness of the fluorescent man made lights that decorated his prison.
Merlin expected a kind of euphoria at seeing Arthur again, the world would be right at their reunion. Yet now as the moment he had so dreamed about came to fruition Merlin could pull no such emotion from his heart. As before him, laid out unceremoniously and degradingly was Arthur. Blood stained the ground around him, leaking from his eyes and mouth. A long deep cuts down each cheek, as if a knife had been drug down his face so that when the tears left his eyes they would leak into his wounds forcing a toxic cycle of pain.
His love had been tortured, he had fought alone to no avail, just to be left to rot. Merlin had failed, again he had failed.
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Chapter 2- Cover my eyes
Merlin and Arthur walked side by side, a hot chocolate in hand to help against the briskness of the morning. “Do you think that suit would look any good on me?” Arthur asked as they passed one of the fancy shops. “I think it will make that head of yours bigger.” Arthur playfully punched Merlin in the arm, chuckling as he did so.
The two continued down the street back to their shared flat. A flat they had recently moved into together. While Arthur’s van was charming, the two men were not meant for an indefinite life on the road. Arthur had purchased the flat through his fathers inheritance money, money he hadn’t had access to for over a year as his half sister Morgana fought tooth and nail regarding the will. Uther had written it amidst a state of delirium deep in his fight against dementia, in this state he dedicated all his assets to Morgana. It took a lot of work and paying for a lawyer neither of the two could afford to beat her.
Once inside Arthur threw down his red dragon Bennie, one that he had a rather unhealthy attachment too. It was obvious as daylight to Merlin, but Arthur would never admit his love for it. Merlin picked up the hat he threw down, rolling his eyes and sighing while he did so. “I’m not your bloody servant Arthur!” Arthur only grinned, taking off his coat and boots. Merlin followed suit, except he hung up his clothes making his late mother proud.
“So, what have we got today?” Merlin said, more to himself than to Arthur while opening up his calendar. To Merlin’s surprise he had nothing down for the day, a first in a long time. It was a boring and normal Saturday. And Arthur was going to lose his mind if Merlin didn’t give him something to do. “So what is it?” Arthur asked, “what’s what?” Merlin said quickly, still trying to figure out something to do. “What do we have today?” He said blatantly, as if Merlin was being an idiot. “Right…um…yeah…here-“ Merlin handed Arthur an old shopping list. “I have to go now? But we just got back?” Merlin shooed him away, “yes, yes, I’ll have lunch ready when you get
Merlin gave him back his coat and boots along with the rest of his hot chocolate before sending him on his way. Once he knew Arthur was out of ear shot he let out a sigh of relief, he loved Arthur, he really did, but he could be insufferable, especially when he has nothing to do. Merlin knew he had time now, to prepare for the day and to get Arthur out of the house for a while. Merlin hadn’t looked at the list when giving it to Arthur, but if it was like most of his lists then he had around 20 mins before Arthur returned. Merlin decided he wanted to take a quick shower and then start on lunch.
About an hour later Merlin sat at his and Arthur’s dining room table, their lunch growing cold. Merlin didn’t have a lot of meals without Arthur. He had grown so used to eating with his partner everyday that eating without him seemed weird. Sure they had days where Arthur would be gone on business trips and things like that, but those were few and far between. Merlin was getting worried now, the list couldn’t possibly have taken this long. What was taking him so long?
Merlin pulled out his phone, admiring the picture of him and Arthur on the beach that he had as his background. He did that for a moment before texting ‘Hey u alright?’ Merlin waited a couple minutes, biting his fingernails nervously. Arthur still hadn’t responded. Merlin was getting very worried now. His next thought was to call Leon, who promptly told Merlin that he hadn’t heard from Arthur that day. Then he called Gwen, it was a long shot as she spent more time with Merlin than Arthur, but he might as well try.
“Hello? Gwen?” A moment of silence passed. “Oh hello Merlin! It’s been awhile, how are you doing?” Merlin didn’t really know how to bring up that he was being a paranoid boyfriend and that he was in fact not doing well. “Well-“ a loud thud erupted from the other line, stopping Merlin’s sentence in its tracks. “Gods- I’m sorry Merlin but Lance isn’t home right now and I’m pretty sure the kids just broke my new vase. Can I call you later?” Merlin felt like a complete and utter idiot, why would Gwen know anything about Arthur. “Yeah of course Gwen, whenever you're free.” He tried to sound cheery, but his fear was making it incredibly difficult.
Merlin was just about to go out looking for Arthur himself, when the door to their apartment opened and there stood Arthur, snow dotting his clothes. “Can you believe it, it started snowing on me-“ Merlin had his arms around Arthur hugging him tight, never wanting to let go of him. Arthur returned the hug, letting out a chuckle. “Well- what’s got you all excited?” “Nothing, just happy to see you is all.”
Arthur took a shuddering breath in as if preparing himself for something. “Since you are in such high spirits I think now is a good a time as any to give you this.” Merlin let go of him, stepping back to see what he was talking about. Arthur slowly pulled out a small black box from his pocket and held it out to Merlin. “No…you can’t be serious…” Merlin said breathlessly. “You're out of luck there because I am very serious, my bank account can tell you that for sure.” Merlin took the little box in hand and opened it.
Inside was a golden ring, it wasn’t anything extravagant in all honesty it was a simple thing but it was a beautiful thing. Merlin couldn’t contain himself and tears fell down his face. Waves of emotion hit his brain in a rush that had him dizzy on his feet. He looked away from the ring and into Arthur’s eyes, the love that showed through them was what did it, pushed him over the edge. He grasped Arthur by the collar and kissed him like he never had before.
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Chapter 3- My eyes see through the sheer
Merlin and Arthur were due to marry in three months after Arthur’s proposal 4 months prior. The preparation had been stunted in quite a lot due to Arthur’s uptick in work. With the day so close Merlin found that his nuptials were on the forefront of his mind. Distracting him from his daily life. And while he loved to think about what was to come, he did need to be able to afford his wedding, so skipping out on work was not an option.
The days ticked down slower and slower, until that final week, in which the days passed in the blink of an eye, particularly Merlin’s eye. The chapel doors appeared before him, signaling his future. All it took was one step, one single step and Merlin would finally complete something he had longed to do for what felt like centuries.
A moment like that was too much to bear for one man. Along with that man’s stomach. Merlin felt the swirling and turning of his intestines long before the ceremony was to commence. At the time he had chalked it up to nerves. And nervous he was, throwing up inside of a vase, it was-all things considered-a very ugly vase. All the same Merlin was disgusted with himself.
In spite of his disgust Merlin wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t do this. He had waited so long. Sure only 3 years in reality, but to him 3 years was close to 3 thousand years. 100 lifetimes of waiting; he couldn’t wait any longer because of one silly little gut problem. So he dusted himself off, disposed of the ugly-and now smelly-vase.
Hooked his arm under Gwen’s, her eyes studied his searching for something. Maybe she expected more, out of him or out of the entire day. Merlin took a deep breath, trying not to gag at tasting his own breath.
“Merlin? Are you ready?”
“Oh yeah, super ready.”
Gwen knocked on the door, signaling for the ushers to open them. Merlin found the strength to smile, much to his own surprise. The hall was beautifully decorated, with elegant stained glass windows and polished wood pews. The building was beautiful, yes, but what was even more so, was Arthur. His pearly whites shone bright when he smiled. A smile that, even though the whole room could see it, was for Merlin and Merlin alone. A real smile.
To the outside Merlin made a choice that day; he chose to stand there before the universe and the world alike to be bonded to someone. How that bond would work, or even that it could work was unclear. To everything and everyone, Merlin made a choice. But inside his own mind, Merlin knew the truth. That the hands of fate had lifted him up and carried him here, that they had forced his legs to move and step into place. Fate had taken him back to Arthur, and it was his destiny to protect him.
Upon their kiss, a kind of magic filled the room, enchanting the souls of the people within the church. When Merlin looked around, he saw the glassiness of their eyes, their worn out smiles. They cheered and clapped, a happiness so loud that it was intoxicating. Merlin turned his attention to Arthur, who was pulling away from him. Why he was doing that Merlin did not know, nor did he find it charming. He tapped Arthur on the shoulder, his newly found husband's smile falling for a moment as he looked at Merlin, then it rose again.
“Yes?”
“You alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” There was a smile there, a good hearted and kind one, but it wasn’t like the one from before. This one was different somehow. All of it was different somehow. Like he had done all of this before at least a 100 times over. The people that surrounded him. They were bright and fun, Merlin would even go as far as to say entertaining. But just beneath the surface were broken spirits. They called out to him, begging him to make it all stop; to let them rest. Merlin wanted it to stop too, to get rid of the things that cut them all so deeply.
He was supposed to save them from this. He was supposed to save them from this world, he was supposed to save them.
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Chapter 4- I see now, even in my sleep
Merlin’s days mushed and molded together, forming a clump of monotony and sadness. Authoritarian monotony that suppresses spontaneity chips away at a person's soul. Monotony grounds people in reality, gives them something safe to come back to, a normal they can both visualize and feel. But, without something to upend that normal, monotony’s safe tethers that applied little pressure before now become chains that weigh down their carrier.
Yes, Merlin was certain his waking hours were nothing of note. However he could not say the same of his sleeping hours. Slipping into the void of his subconscious was something Merlin both loved and dreaded everyday. He had always believed that dreams had a deeper meaning. Meaning aside, he admired dreams for their existence in a general sense. To think that one’s mind at its most rested state could create visions of grandeur beyond anything seen before was in concept amazing.
Merlin’s dreams-more lately than ever-intrigued him in a way that he could not express. So he documented them in a journal, he never used more than one page per day. Forcing himself to summarize for the sake of organization. The dreams remained clear in his mind anyway, the pages only served to refresh his memory. And to keep track of the days in which he had that particular dream.
Merlin would flip through the pages of his latest book every night before bed, today was no exception. All
His books were simply titled : 1, 2, 3, and now 4 with the word DREAM stitched into the cover.
Merlin sat down on his bed, Arthur already sound asleep next to him. Book 4 was on the nightstand. Merlin settled in and flipped to a random page. It was from June the year before.
6/12/22
30’s depression, scared, alone, Arthur dead.
Merlin was bombarded with vivid, near nauseating images of himself holding Arthur tight, tears falling down his face. He chose not to dive into why a dream-even a violent one as that-could affect him so much. Merlin flipped the pages again.
7/21/22
1804, shipwrecks on the way to the new world, Arthur dead.
This time Merlin was leaning over the side of a boat, starboard side. Arthur’s body spiked on a jagged rock, the shock of it all still fresh in his mind. His echoing cry lost in the mix of the storm and panic of the crew trying to quickly escape. Merlin flipped the pages one last time.
1/1/22
The lake dream.
The lake dream was the one dream that Merlin could not remember. And everytime he tried a weird and painful pressure would build up in his head. The dream came back every time Merlin started a new book, it was an enigma. He always knew when he had the dream, it loomed over him like a force, alerting him of its presence.
That was enough reading for one night. Merlin closed the book and laid it back on his nightstand. Pulling himself under the covers and slipping into sweet unconscious bliss.
The image that appeared before him was one he did not expect to see. He stood in a castle, bodies all around him, he knew they were not dead, just asleep. How he knew that he did not know.
He was in a hallway, not too large, but big enough that two lanes of traffic could flow through at one time. There were no doors in the hallway, only windows, only Merlin could not see out of them. He had two options, right or left. To the right there were stairs, stairs he could not see down. To the left was a corner that he could not see around. Merlin chose left.
Rounding the corner revealed two oak doors. They were simplistic, but beautiful. Merlin ran his hand over them, feeling the wood beneath his fingers. He pushed them open and was graced with the sight of a throne room. Inside it on the floor were more bodies, Merlin assumed them to be guards, but after that thought he paid them no mind. As at the center of the room was something much more interesting.
Merlin saw himself hunched over rocking a body back and forth. Merlin deduced that it was a woman. While he had many crossdressing friends-and loved them all dearly-they wouldn’t last two seconds in the medieval era. Merlin moved closer, a weird out of body feeling hitting him hard in the gut.
He could hear his own pained whimpers as he held the woman, whispering things to her, Merlin couldn’t make out the words but he knew he had done this to her. He had killed her. And she would never forgive him. She would never let him go. She would never let him rest.
Merlin woke and logged the dream.
11/12/22
I killed her.
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Chapter 5 - Get out
Merlin didn’t watch the news much. There’s not a lot of hope to be found in something created for the sole purpose of telling everything horrible going on in the world. Though sometimes his curiosity would get the better of him. Leading to his current state of trying not to think about the very real possibility of the world crumbling all around him and eating a delicious batch of chocolate chip cookies.
Cookies were a curious thing. They used the same ingredients over and over again, but a single substitute, or too much or too less of something can change the entire flavor of the cookie. Merlin loved making them, and Arthur very much enjoyed eating them. He would compliment Merlin's cooking, then what he was wearing, and then…things would devolve into something a bit more…primal. It was sort of a ritual at this point, not that Merlin took any issue with that.
Merlin made cookies now as an innuendo for when he was in ‘the mood.’ Arthur very rarely ever rejected Merlin when he made cookies, but this day was different. Hell, the last couple of months have been different. Ever since they got married. Something changed, and not in a good way. Was he not supposed to be married? Was he not supposed to be married to Arthur? No. That couldn’t possibly be it, he loved Arthur, they were happy. They had been so happy together.
This was wrong. He couldn’t think like this. He had to get out, go and do something, resolve these awful thoughts. Merlin set his bowl of cookies roughly and hurriedly on the table, then was out the door, slamming it behind him.
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Chapter 6 - Hypnotize Me
Merlin made his way down his street, not really sure where he was going. Tears pooling in his eyes and pressure building up in his head. They began to flow in a never ending river of pain and confusion. Thousands of years of life hitting the 32 year old in the face. Flashes of death and pain seen only in his dreams occupying his vision, the world around him blurring and twisting.
Merlin walked for who knows how long, his legs cramping up and his joints aching. By some miracle Merlin actually ended up somewhere, that somewhere being a little shop called Morgause’s Hypno Dream. It was utterly bustling with activity, from both customers and staff. This activity was stopped at the sound of the door opening. About 15 faces turned towards him, staring him down.
Merlin waved, “um…hello…I think I’m here to be…hypnotized?” He was met with confusion, and a bit of fear depending on the face. Almost as if something else was forcing them, the people stopped looking at him and went back to whatever they were doing before. Merlin did not like how weird his life was becoming, especially not how quickly. He looked around the shop, not really knowing what he was supposed to do.
Merlin reached for his phone only to find that he did not have his phone. Lovely. Now he couldn’t call Arthur and tell him where he was, just great. Merlin decided that all of this was crazy and that he should just go home.
But the distinct feeling of holes being bored into the back of his skull stopped that course of action. Merlin turned back to the crowd, several eyes turned away. Trying to not be caught staring. Life experience has told him that when you're in a room and everyone is looking at you but doesn't want you to see means one of two things : one, you're in a movie, or two, you're not supposed to be there.
The second option was the most likely. Merlin looked more closely at the shop's interior, trying to figure out why he was the anomaly. He was dressed well, he looked average enough and so did the people inside the shop. So if it’s not him, it’s got to be something about the shop. Or the people in it. Merlin had a distinct feeling it was both.
A hand touched his shoulder, startling him. Merlin turned and was faced with a woman, she had bright blonde hair, dark eyes, and dark eyeliner. She exuded power but held in such a way that any unwitting person fooled into believing her words would lay their head down on the chopping block, hoping that she won’t bring down the axe upon them. Merlin was no fool, but she approached him, he couldn’t resist to at least talk to her.
She stared into his soul, searching for something in his eyes. “Who are you?” He asked simply. Her eyes widened slightly. “I am Morgouse, I own this shop.” He nods, a prick of nervousness creeping up his spine. “I need your help…” A smile is on her face, a clear acceptance of his pleas, but there is also fear, as if she doesn’t know if this is the right thing to do. “Come with me.” She leads him through the store, down a flight of stairs to a basement. It is for the most part empty with only a couple cardboard boxes lining the walls and a small round table with two chairs in the center.
His hostess gestured for Merlin to sit, which he did. She took her place in front of him, something in her hands that Merlin did not see her grab. She adjusted herself and set the thing down. It was a small black box, about the size that would hold a bracelet or a small necklace. She slid the box in front of Merlin, “what do you feel when you look at this?” Nothing. Was he supposed to feel something? “Um…nothing…” She pulled the box back towards herself. “Think, Merlin, or you will never be free, none of us will.”
“It’s just a box, the box is not something you should be scared of, it’s what’s inside!”
“Don’t be so sure, nor so close minded. Look at it again and tell me what you feel.”
She slid the box back towards him and he studied it. Trying to find some kind of emotion to attach to the box. This time he found a bit of familiarity. “I think- I think- I’ve seen this before.” Her eyes were alight, unspoken hope blooming in them. “Yes…I believe you have. Open it.”
Merlin took hold of the box, hesitation and anxiety controlling his movements. He lifted the lid, and upon his eyes grazing the object held within it, he froze. Merlin’s blood ran cold. It was Arthur’s seal. His mother’s seal.
Everything made sense now. The dreams, Arthur and everyone else all of a sudden acting weirdly. They were waking up again. This life was almost over. He had so little time before the storm hit and he would have to start again. The loop must stop, he must stop her. Merlin pressed the seal to his lips and stood from his chair. “Thank you Morgouse. I’m going to put a stop to this.”
“You’ve said that before.”
“I know.”
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Chapter 7 - The End is Nigh
Merlin searched within himself for the answer. For the magic that mirrored his own. He bent down to the ground, laying his hand upon the earth. Surges of power flowing through him at lightning speed. ‘Morgana, come to me.’ Merlin rose and waited. It was almost over and he was going to win this time.
Merlin thought back to his past. To all the times he died and all the times he had never discovered the truth. He also remembered the times he did. How ignorant he had been and how guilty he felt in his failures, Morgana had won so many times. Over and over again she took away everything he held dear. And Merlin had tried everything he possibly could to stop her. He killed her, ruined her life, even took everything she loved. Rinse and repeat in a never ending loop of pain and destruction. Merlin was getting plain tired of it all, and he had a feeling that Morgana was too.
Merlin didn’t know what would happen when Morgana finally did arrive, or even if she would come at all. All the same, this would end, for good. They have lived long past their time. Oh what Merlin would do to be back in Camelot again. To feel the magic of the world around as he once did, go back to his life, see and experience everything as he did before.
But that life was long gone. The dead parts of it that still roamed the earth served only to poison it and get in the way of the life meant to be there.
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Chapter 8 - The End
Merlin sat on the edge of the street, legs crossed and a pop-corn bag in hand watching the traffic go by. He didn’t see Morgana join him on the sidewalk, but he hadn’t really needed to. He sensed her presence a 100 kilometers away. She looked like a wreck, her clothes tattered and her eyes bloodshot, if Merlin didn’t know any better he’d think she’d just smoked simultaneously the best and worst dubee of her life. The drugs were a charm of the modern era, ale only got a person so far before a tolerance is built up. However, with a plethora of drugs that had their own side effects and particular highs, there is no doubt that a person looking to take the edge off life might fall down the rabbit hole. Merlin himself had gone that way in the early 60’s then again, who wasn’t doing drugs in those days.
He tilted his popcorn towards her, she was hesitant, then shrugged and took a good handful out. Merlin was slightly offended but he chose to take the high road on this one. “So, about time we finish thing’s.”
“Yeah, I guess you're right” She didn’t meet his eyes.
“Why are we still here Morgana? What do you want?” His voice cracked and his eyes watered, the agony of every death reverberating within his soul. “I don’t know anymore.” Her voice was quiet, like she hadn’t asked herself that question. “Morgana, we can’t keep doing this anymore. You’ve done it. You won. Now please, let this go.” She smiled, a sly kind that he’d seen her wear many times over the years. “Merlin, this isn’t me.” He sucked in a breath, his brain unable to process the words she uttered. “I thought you knew. All this time.”
“Then if not you then who?” She shook her head, as if to be annoyed by his lack of knowledge. “This is our curse Merlin, this is our fate. We don’t get to choose when it stops, or even if it stops at all. This is it for us, till they get bored, until fate has finally had enough.” She stood up, tears rolling down her face. “I’ll see you in the next life, okay? Maybe…maybe next time this won’t be how this ends.
“Yeah, okay.” Merlin didn’t move from his spot. Where would he go? Maybe there is nowhere to go, no place to run or hide. Why had the gods given him such a fucking ugly fate.
THE END