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Jesse’s frail body shook as tears poured from his eyes. He was in his car, parked in Badger’s driveway. He had cut the engine, but he couldn’t will himself to get out of the car. He couldn’t face them. He didn’t want them to view him differently. Yeah, he was a different man, that would never change after the camp, but he didn’t want the looks of disappointment from his closest friends. Jesse didn’t even notice that Badger’s front door open until he noticed a figure walk down the steps.
“Fuck” he whispered as he shakily opened the car door.
“Yo, what the fuck do you think you’re doing bitch? You can’t just sit in someone’s driveway like that man.” Skinny Pete’s voice echoed through the nearly empty street.
Jesse stood up and asked with a shaky voice, “Can you hide the car please? I promise you don’t need to do anything else. I’ll get it out by like tomorrow. Please Skinny…”
“Jesse?” Skinny walked closer and closer until he was standing next to Jesse. “Jesse man, of course. Come in, you aren’t looking too hot.”
Jesse shuts the car door and starts to walk to the house. Skinny Pete notices the way that the man sways when he walks so he quickly stands next to him. Jesse almost immediately leans on him for help walking. Jesse knows Skinny Pete is safe. He won’t hurt him like Jack and Kenny did.
They finally got inside the house, where Badger was armed with a baseball bat for some reason that Jesse honestly didn’t care about. His face turned to instant recognition when he saw Jesse.
“Jesse?” Badger’s voice broke as he called his best friend’s name. “I thought you were…”
“Can I please shower like really quick? If not it’s okay. I completely understand. How can you let a stranger-“
“Yo, you’re not a stranger man. Yeah, go right ahead. I got a shit ton of products in there anyway for Badger. You know where the towels are and everything, right?”
Jesse nodded and hobbled to the bathroom. He immediately closed and locked the door. He knew Skinny and Badger were good, but the voice in the back of his mind told him different. Jesse turned on the shower and started to strip. He needed to burn the clothes. He wore the clothes for almost a year, with the occasional washing of it when Todd thought it was too dirty.
He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror, he was scared of what he would see. The scars, the bruises, the cuts that he knew littered his body would become so much more prominent if he looked. He didn’t want to face himself.
He got into the shower, the water piercing his skin. Every cut burned at the smallest drops of water. But it felt good. He deserved it. After a good four minutes, the pain became unbearable, and he got out. He had quickly washed his hair and the parts of his body that weren’t on fire. There was a sign on the floor near the door that simply read “clothes are on other side of door.” Jesse crumbled the piece of paper and unlocked the door. True enough, there were clothes outside of the door. A sweatshirt and sweatpants. It was better than what he was in for the past year. He put on his sweatpants and started to put on his sweatshirt. Without realizing, Jesse looked in the mirror, and he couldn’t stop looking. His face, his body was ruined. Scars littered his body as if he was a well-loved cutting board. The bruises that covered his body were fresh in angry shades of blue and purple. He continued to stare at himself. His body was broken. He was disgusting. No one will ever love him again. No one will love him like Jane and Andrea did. Jesse sank to the floors, eyes watering. He killed Jane. He was in that bed, but he was stupid enough to not wake up. He could’ve saved her from dying. If she was still here, they would still be okay.
He got Andrea killed. She paid the price for his stupidity. They killed her for no reason. They killed an innocent mother, who was simply concerned for Jesse. Why, he had no reason, but she really cared about him. And he fucked it up. Per usual. He caused Brock to become an orphan, to have his life flipped around. Just because Jesse was stupid enough to try to leave.
A knock sent Jesse out of his thoughts.
“Jesse?” Badger asked. “Are you okay in there?”
Jesse sniffled and whispered “I guess”
The door opened and Badger looked down at his best friend.
“What’s wrong, Jess?”
“I… I killed Andrea. I got her killed.” He began to sob into his hands. Badger sat down next to Jesse and pulled him close. The boy flinched at first, but eventually gave into the contact.
“Andrea was fine, and then I tried to escape, and they found me and pulled me into a truck… and she was killed right outside her door. I watched it happen and I screamed and screamed but she couldn’t hear me, even before she was killed. They dragged me back to the compound and beat me and they threatened Brock.”
Badger pulled Jesse in a little closer. “Jesse, you didn’t kill her. It’s not your fault, okay. It’s their fault. They are the assholes. They kidnapped you and hurt you man. You couldn’t have done anything.”
Jesse sobbed into Badger’s chest, babbling nonsense about his deceased lover.
“It should’ve been me. I should’ve died.” Jesse cried.
“I couldn’t live without you man. I could barely live that year without you. We need you, Jess. I need you. You’re my best friend. I couldn’t live knowing you died at the hands of sick Neo- Nazis.”
Jesse’s sobs turned into whimpers as he held onto Badger for dear life. He knew Badger was good. Or at least he knew that Badger was safe. And that’s what Jesse needed. A safe person. He needed the comfort of a good person. And that just happened to be Badger Mayhew.