Chapter Text
“Oh fuck this and fuck you.”
“Tommy, do not go there. Did you not hear the part where I said Azrael, Karma and Wither are there? The entire Syndicate? You will fucking die.”
“No I heard you Bee Boy, don’t worry!” Tommy responded cheerfully to the faint voice of Tubbo in his ears.
“ So why are you going the exact way I told you not to go? ”
Shit.
Tommy forgot Tubbo can track him— well the earpiece.
“Dramatic effect,” and with that, Tommy turned off the earpiece. He did not need a very angry Tubbo Underscore yelling commands at him.
Jumping from roof to roof had to be the best part of patrol, at least in his opinion. The metal under his feet, hair being pushed back by the wind. His hood fell down every now and then, but besides that it was great.
The view is also a great part of patrol. If you ever saw a cityscape at night, you’d understand. Almost pitch black except the light of stars and moon, tall buildings towering over everything, and the streets almost completely empty. It was a good distraction from whatever you didn’t want to focus on.
In Tommy’s case, he didn’t want to focus on the fact he was running towards three of the biggest villains in history. But if he was not going to run towards it, who would?
The heroes would. But Tommy does not enjoy heroes.
Tommy hopped over to the edge of the roof, peering over it to see them.
He found them at least. It looked like they were breaking into some science-y place called Mumbo’s Laboratory. That cannot be good. Or safe. Tommy should definitely let the heroes handle this.
However, the heroes were not here.
Also, what kind of vigilante would he be if he didn’t have at least one near death experience?
Sure, he’s experienced many near death experiences— but those weren’t for vigilantism reasons.
BANG!
“Well that can’t be good,” Tommy whispered to himself.
Tommy then climbed off of the building. And he did not almost fall, if you were wondering. Nope, not once.
“Oi, you there!” All three of the villains turned around. They did not look happy. “Yes you three! Can you stop!? I don’t want to have to fight you!”
His voice sounded distorted due to the voice changer in his mask, it felt weird hearing a voice that wasn’t remotely close to the real one. He hated talking with it. Made him sound all… official and shit.
“What the fuck are you gonna do?” The man in front, Karma, scoffed. “Oh no, a vigilante is here! We’re all doomed .”
Karma was a phantom-hybrid. Tommy wasn’t sure why a ghost was considered a threat. Sure he could phase through stuff… and possess people… but that’s not that big of a deal. Probably. He also was blocking the view of the other two villains. He was a ghost, how in the world could he block a view?
That does not make sense. Simply does not make sense.
“I’ll have you know that I am very strong and cool!” Tommy stated proudly. “I could beat you with my eyes closed!”
That was not remotely true. He could not beat any of them, he wouldn’t entirely lose though.
Karma was probably rolling his eyes behind his blindfold, “I’d like to see you try.”
Tommy glared at Karma. Prick. An absolute dickhead. He glanced behind the phantom, the other two villains were fumbling a trash bag around. If Tommy had to guess, it was probably filled with evil supervillain stuff. One had big black wings, Azrael, and the other one had a pig skull mask covering his face, Wither.
Oh. Didn’t he come here to stop a robbery?
“Hey, that’s not yours!” Tommy shouted, grabbing two boomerangs (he painted them like discs, to help with the branding) and throwing them at the other villains.
One hit Wither in the face and the other hit Azrael in the stomach. He had to cover his mouth to muffle a laugh. If he didn’t, his immortality would probably malfunction and the piglin hybrid would actually kill him.
Nobody really knows Wither’s power, nobody knows if he even had one. But he looked buff and was a literal piglin hybrid. Those are scary. Wither is scary.
Unlike the amazing Tommy, Karma could not hold in his laugh. It wasn’t like a giggle either. It was the kind of laugh where you have to hold on to something so you don’t fall over.
Tommy then punches him in the face. It was a good opportunity, what did you expect?
“Oh you bitch…” Karma held a hand over his nose, it was bleeding. The ghost looked like he was about to commit 48 crimes, and probably get banned from a couple countries. Then Tommy got kicked in the stomach. Probably deserved it, but still hurt.
Tommy thought this would be the end of his vigilante career, potentially his life. To make the situation even better, Azrael and Wither dropped the stolen stuff and were walking towards him. Then Tommy thinks Azrael tried to hold Karma down.
“Listen… Theseus, right?” Tommy nods. “We don’t want any trouble. We just need these for a personal project. You understand that— right?” Azrael was scarily calm.
This could not be good. Did he mention that Azrael can kill people? Like really fast? Sure Tommy’s immortal, but he didn’t want to test the theory it protects him from literal death powers.
So he did what anyone else would do if they were standing in front of the top three villains.
He ran in between Azrael and Wither, grabbing whatever they stole and throwing it over his shoulder.
Then ran at the speed of light into the streets.
Now, this had to be in the “Top 10 Worst Ideas Thomas Careful Danger Kraken Innit Has Ever Had” list, and he has fought in multiple wars.
Not only was Tommy carrying maybe 50 pounds of… whatever on his back. He also had Syndicate behind him. One of them, he had just punched in the face and possibly broken a nose. Another one, he hit in the face with a boomerang. Azrael then tried to be civil about this.
Huh, the man with huge black wings and can kill you with a flick of the wrist was civil. That’s nice.
“GET BACK HERE— YOU ABSOLUTE DICKHEAD!” That was Karma.
Tommy did not get back there. Instead he ran onto the empty streets, kicking away pebbles and almost falling down 4 times.
It’s okay though. When in doubt, annoy Tubbo.
“Thomas Careful Danger Kraken Innit. What the absolute FUCK has just happened? Why would you run towards the fucking Syndicate? WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT WAS FUCKING SMART?? YOU INSANE DICKHEAD.”
Tubbo was mad.
Very mad.
“Hello to you too dickhead,” Tommy muttered, barely hearing himself over the wind in his face. “Good news, I got the stuff they stole.”
“Bad news?” Tubbo sighed.
“They are now chasing me, I punched Karma in the face and may have broken his fucking nose, and I hit Wither in the face with my boomerangs. Oh and apparently Azrael is civil and calm?” Tommy took a quick glance behind him.
“What the fuck what you done?” Tubbo paused. “ There’s an alleyway coming up on your left, run down there and maybe you won’t die.”
“It is physically impossible for me to die.”
“That’s not even true, and I don't think you want to test that theory.”
Tommy did not. So he threw himself (and the Syndicate’s stuff) in the alleyway. It was dark, and there was a pipe dripping water. He hid behind a dumpster, and threw the bag of shit into it. It looked like a normal trash bag, thank prime.
This was a master plan.
Well it was a master plan until they all came into the alleyway.
“Are sure he went this way Wil- Karma? There is nothing even here but rats.”
Tommy was pretty sure that it was Wither, he sounds very tired.
And then Tommy, Number One Smartest Vigilante, came out from behind the dumpster.
“ Are you sure he went this way Karma? Wah wah wah, I’m Wither. See? I was right, as always.”
Tommy had to hold in his laugh at the stupid Wither impression. The voice changer made it a thousand percent funnier.
“Wait, where’s the stuff? You absolute idiot, what the fuck did you do with it?” Karma looked at Tommy. His nose had almost stopped bleeding. “Did you lose it? He couldn’t have lost it right?”
His head looked frantically back and forth between the vigilante and the villains.
How can the top three villains be this stupid? Wither was also looking around in panic at the alleyway, probably staring directly at their shit 4 times. Azrael looked calm. That was probably the scariest part.
“Mate, how would he have lost it that fast?” Azrael makes a good point. Tommy was not that fast.
“Dunno, maybe Theseus here has some telekinesis powers,” Wither responded bitterly. They all looked genuinely confused.
Tommy just shook his head. He really wished he had telekinesis. That’s cooler than immortality. “Well, can I go now? This was fun but I have some plans later and I do not want to deal with a fucking… broken ribcage or whatever you’ll do.”
Now if you asked anyone else, you should not say this to three of the biggest villains in history.
But Thomas Careful Danger Kraken Innit isn’t anyone else. What are they gonna do? Kill him? Impossible. Simply impossible.
“Tommy. If you don’t die right now, I’m going to find a way to kill you myself,” Tubbo muttered into his ear.
“Well?” Tommy had their focus now. All three of them stared directly at Tommy. This seemed like his cue to run, maybe call the police.
“The police are on their way to Mumbo’s Laboratory, you wanna lead the Syndicate back there?”
Tommy hummed instead of replying. Then an amazing, perfect, master plan with no holes formed in his mind.
He grabbed the trash bag from the dumpster and ran back out the alley. Dodging Karma’s hand and Wither’s sad attempt to grab him, Tommy did a 180 turn and started running back to the laboratory.
He really, really , hoped this was the stuff they tried to steal. And he really, really, hoped the police would be there so he could just throw it back near the laboratory. Without getting caught of course, can’t have the best vigilante ever getting caught. That would not be pog.
Tommy glanced back around his shoulder. “Well shit,” was all he said. The Syndicate was on his tail. He swore he could hear Wither and Karma yelling. Fucking idiots.
“The police arrived. You have the Syndicate with you?” Tommy grunted in response. “Alright.”
Tommy was glad he was never that far away from Mumbo’s Lab. He tossed the bag over a police car, and darted to the right, straight into another alleyway. Behind another dumpster, except this time he poked his head out.
This plan seemed to work because the Syndicate looked shocked, and Tommy heard a couple police yelling. He was very proud of himself.
—————————
The door to his apartment slammed behind him.
“Ayup,” Tommy called to his roommates, taking off his jacket. He really hoped that Tubbo was not mad at him for almost getting beat up by the syndicate.
The apartment wasn’t huge. It wasn’t great though. They had a living room, kitchen, bathroom, and two bedrooms. The living room was a complete and total wreck right now. Tubbo’s laptop was on the floor, two earpieces next to it. The coffee table had countless unfinished school papers scattered on it along with a couple flashcards. The couch had a couple of tears and the wall had some gross stains. That was there before the group came though.
“I hate homework,” Tubbo slammed his head on the table.
Well, he wasn’t mad.
“We all hate homework. Also Tommy I made dinner, I put yours in the microwave,” Ranboo waved to Tommy.
Tommy nodded and waved back before throwing his backpack into his bedroom. He walked over to the microwave and opened it up.
“Ranboo. This is the fourth fucking time you have made spaghetti. We have different food.”
“Spaghetti is good, and I will fight you on this.”
“Okay Boob Boy, whatever you say.”
He closes the microwave to heat up the spaghetti, and he comes back to the living room to eat it.
Despite almost getting beat up, today wasn’t horrible. School wasn’t ass, patrol was fun. Work was… work. Now it’s 1:47 at night, and he’s eating spaghetti while procrastinating on his homework.
Then Tommy had a very amazing realization:
The Syndicate may have a grudge on him.
Well at least if a shitty little vigilante named fucking Theseus led him to the police, he would hold a grudge against them.
“Wait, so when is Mr.Grian’s assignment due again?” Tubbo suddenly sits up, he has a mark on his face from being on the table.
“Tomorrow,” Ranboo has not taken his eyes off the paper once.
Tommy almost chokes on the spaghetti. Procrastination has failed him once again.
“FUCK.”