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Despite popular belief, Killua does not wish he and Gon were together.
Now, don’t get him wrong. Killua loves Gon, loves him more than anything, more than one hundred people could ever love Gon. He’s the reason Killua is where he is today, is the reason Killua isn’t laying on hard, cold, stone floors, in a pool of his puke and blood. Gon is the reason Killua can breathe the fresh air of whatever peak of whatever mountain they were on at any moment in time. Simply put, Killua is wholly devoted to him.
But so is Gon.
Gon remembers the day he realized he was in love with Killua. The aforementioned boy was sitting on a nearby rock, yo-yo-ing his yo-yo, with his eyebrows furrowed. Bisky had put Killua in charge of coming up with the plan to defeat the Bomber, Gon recalls. He was practicing his emitter technique, and even though his entire body was upside down, and all his blood was rushing to his head, Gon remembers thinking, ‘Wow, Killua really is amazing.’ He was almost concerned with the recent amount of homosexual thoughts he had been having, but he never dared to tell anybody (besides Killua, of course, but back then, Killua only saw a glimpse of the genuine meaning behind Gon’s words.) He guesses seeing just how much Killua returned his trust in him, during the dodgeball game against Razor, probably set off his brand-new revelation.
However, everything went wrong when Gon accidentally, in the heat of the moment…
“I love you, you’re amazing,” Gon said, breathless.
Killua’s eyes widened, and his mouth fell open. Gon felt the rush of panic spread through his chest, his heart skipped a beat, realizing what he had just said-
There’s no way he just let that slip-
Ripping Gon out of his thoughts, Killua made a strange noise underneath him, something along the lines of,
“Aeh-” Killua attempted to speak, but that was all that came out, and Gon almost laughed in his face.
Killua lay down under him, Gon leaned over him, elbow resting next to Killua’s head. Gon’s head had been resting in the palm of his hand. Now the hand was frozen in an ugly, crimped pose next to his face as he attempted to grasp the situation at hand. Killua’s face was bright red, his entire face (Gon had never seen somebody get that red before,)
“Don’t-” Killua gasped, “Don’t ever say a thing like that again-” Killua said, face still red, and Gon now had to wonder if it was because of anger, instead of embarrassment. Killua turned away from him and stood. He grabbed his backpack that was set next to a beach chair and stormed back up the hill of sand.
Gon could only watch, horrified.
–
Despite everything, though, they were still Killua and Gon, Gon and Killua.
It was silly of Gon to think, if only for a while, that anything like this could have ever driven them apart. It had happened once before, and Gon was pretty sure that it happening again was Killua’s worst fear, as well.
And, after several midnight phone calls with Leorio, Gon could say for sure that Killua loved him as well. It wasn’t hard to believe, and everybody could see it.
Gon just wanted to know why, wanted to know so badly , why Killua would not express these feelings, despite them being unequivocally reciprocated.
-1
Gon knows Killua has frequent night terrors, several times a week.
It broke Gon’s heart.
Just as it did now at this moment in time, as Gon lays in bed, his eyes watching a blank space on the wall, listening to Killua sob in the bed across from him. Gon did not know what to do, but he knew he should probably do something. However, Gon couldn’t muster up the courage to roll over, couldn’t muster up the courage to turn to his best friend and let him know he was awake, and listening, listening this whole time. He tried to imagine Killua, knees pulled up to his chest, rocking on the bed.
Gon inwardly cursed himself, for being so useless in a situation like this. If he turns around now, Killua will wonder how long he had been listening, and maybe even be angry with him for it. Or maybe- Killua might be angry with him for not helping him. He remembers Alluka told him, once, that she would often comfort Killua after he had a night terror. So, if Alluka could do it, why couldn’t he?
Maybe it’s because you’re both in love but aren't together so at this point you don’t know what’s crossing the line and what’s not-
Gon almost facepalmed as he realized that he could just pretend as if he had just woken up.
Gon really was an idiot.
So, he did just that. He shifted a bit, rustling the blankets, warning Killua of his oncoming presence. Gon listened as Killua silenced his sobs immediately, and frowned. Killua choked down his sobs, and in their stead, he let out harsh, fast breaths. Gon wondered if a normal person would have been able to hear them, and he guessed ‘probably not.’ Gon continued his performance, stretching his legs and arms, long and lithe, as he turned over to face Killua.
Gon took in Killua, as he always did. Killua was not positioned like a small child as he had originally thought. Instead, Killua was sitting with his back against the headboard of the hotel bed, and clutching a pillow to his chest (Gon guesses he was crying into the pillow, it looked a little soggy at the top.) Killua’s collarbone-length hair covered the entire side of his face, so unfortunately, Gon couldn’t see him.
“Killua?” Gon asked, forcing a ‘sleepy’ voice.
Killua sniffled, knowing now that Gon was awake, he would be able to smell the salt of his tears. There was no point in hiding it anymore, so Killua turned his head to face Gon, leaning his head back onto the pillow he held.
“What, Gon.” Killua spat, but his voice wavered, and Gon caught a glimpse of another stray tear running down Killua's face.
Gon sat up, leaning on one of his elbows, and rubbed at one of his eyes (wow, he was a natural,) with the bottom of his palm.
“Are-” Gon stuttered, nice, real smooth, “Are you okay?”
“Yea, Gon. I’m fucking peachy. Obviously not-”
“Do you want to sleep with me?”
Killua’s head snapped up so fast that Gon swore he would have whiplash, and his mouth dropped open.
“What?” Killua yelped, face turning pink.
“I said, do you want to sleep with me? I’m not sure if it’ll help, but I can guarantee you that I never had a nightmare when I slept in Aunt Mito’s bed.” Gon explained himself further, and Killua’s eyebrows furrowed at Gon’s sudden awakeness, suspicious.
“Well, Gon, I’m not sure if you realized this by now, but you’re not Aunt Mito, and that isn't her bed.” Killua spat as he suddenly stood, and gathered his blanket into one arm.
Gon watched, taken aback by Killua’s irritated attitude. Gon acted on a whim, had simply thought of the product, of pulling Killua into his arms and kissing his tears away until they refused to come out anymore, afraid of their fate-
“I don’t understand why we even get rooms together anymore, Gon. Seriously, I mean, if Alluka and Nanika get their privacy, why can’t I?” Killua continued to ramble, and Gon wondered what he had said to get him so angry. “You just can never mind your own damn business, Gon. I mean seriously, you don’t have to know everyone’s backstory, their entire lives- Jesus Christ-” Killua struggled to hold the large comforter and the massive fluffy pillow.
“I’m going to sleep in Alluka’s room, don’t follow me. I'm serious.” Killua spat, crossing the room and swinging the door open.
Gon noticed Killua did not grab a keycard to get back into the room, and that’s how he knew he meant it-
The door slammed shut, and Gon turned to look at the ceiling.
Killua came back no less than thirty minutes later, an apology on his tongue, and tears in his eyes.
Gon loved Killua, so of course he forgave him.
-1
The streets of Yorknew were busy as they always were, hundreds of people on their way to work- to school. Some people ran, wide-eyed, glancing at their watch with a look in their eyes that said ‘I’m late, I’m really late!’ Others walked so slowly that Gon had to hold Killua back from kicking them in the back of their knees. Killua lived a fast-paced life, Gon excused, so, of course, he was mad. Killua moved at the speed of lightning, Gon wondered how Killua didn’t find normal running slow. Gon thinks if he had Killua’s ability, he would be in it constantly.
Gon and Killua were currently on their way to a nearby pastry shop, per Killua’s request (Of course Gon said yes.) Gon suggested they walk there, and was immediately shut down-
“In this weather? It’s like, totally freezing outside, Gon.” Killua said, grinning.
But Gon’s eyes are huge, and they’re round, and a lot like a puppy’s-
And so, here they were. Killua was sporting a thick puffer trench coat, and under that was a hoodie, and under that was a long-sleeved shirt, and under even that- was a thin white undershirt. A pink plaid scarf made of wool sat around almost the entirety of Killua’s head. His eyes and the very top of his head were all that peeked through.
Gon, beside him, wore a thick navy-blue jacket, and probably the only pair of pants that he owned, tan chinos. Killua eyed up Gon (not for any other reason but to judge him- he swears-) and raised an eyebrow at him. Killua wondered how Gon wasn’t shivering- when suddenly the thought of a sick Gon crossed his mind-
A needy, helpless, and super-duper embarrassing Gon.
Killua himself shivered at the thought and wrapped his hand around Gon’s wrist to pull them both out of the moving crowd. Killua brings them to a corner at the front of some random shop that looked like it sold pretty rocks and things made of string, before unwrapping the scarf that covered practically his entire face. Gon stared at him in confusion, a word not being exchanged once during this entire interaction-
Killua then reached up, holding the scarf in his hand, and wrapped it around Gon’s neck. Once, twice, and a final third, before letting the ends drop against the front of Gon’s torso. Killua pulled his hands back, judging his work, before clicking his tongue and reaching his hands forward once again. Killua tugged on the ends of the scarf so that they were situated nicely, not so wrinkled. Killua’s eyes then wandered to Gon’s face, and Killua saw how Gon’s lips were a little paler than usual, and his nose definitely wasn’t always that red. So, Killua grabbed the part of the scarf covering Gon’s face and tugged it upward so that it covered no further than the button of Gon’s nose (Killua did not mourn the loss, he didn’t.)
“Wow, thanks, Killua. I guess you were right. I was starting to get cold.” Gon said, and Killua’s eyes snapped up to his, almost forgetting that Gon was a conscious being-
“Yeah, I figured. you were shaking like a leaf, you idiot. I told you to dress warmer.” Killua replied, a smile forming on his face.
Gon leaned back on his heels and smiled back at Killua, and Killua’s heart might’ve just jumped at the action, “Well, you were right, I guess.” Gon scoffed sarcastically, “Maybe while we’re out we can go shopping and buy me a coat.”
“Yea, or we could just leave Yorknew. I hate it here. So cold…” Killua replied with a shiver, his shoulders hunching. “I just wanna go to Whale Island, I dunno why you’re so against the idea.”
“I told you already!” Gon replied, faking incredulousness, “I was there for like, ever, Killua. Forgive me if I don’t wanna go back and explore everything I’ve already memorized.”
“Sure, but I haven’t. So selfish.” Killua replied, sticking his tongue out before turning away from Gon to look for a space that allowed them to re-enter the stampeding crowd-
“Ya know, I think I might be getting frostbite on my hands, Killua,” Gon said, diverting Killua’s attention back to himself, as always.
Killua’s eyes fell to Gon’s hands, searching for the reason he had said that. Killua saw a total amount of zero signs that pointed to frostbite, so he raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to speak,
“You definitely don’t. Your hands look fine.” Killua replied, attempting to dust off the topic.
“No, I'm so serious, Killua. They’re freezing, I can barely move them.” Gon continued, and Killua turned his entire body back to Gon, seeing that Gon was about to make this more of a big deal than it was truly meant to be-
Gon met his eyes instantly, indicating Gon had already been looking into his eyes. Gon wore a smirk on his face, confusing Killua.
“Just feel them, Killua!” Gon said, reaching his hands up to touch Killuas' now exposed cheeks, and Gon was right, his hands were cold.
“Then just put them in your pockets, doofus! I don’t understand why you’re making this such a big deal.” Killua said as he smacked away the hand that lingered on his face for an unreasonable amount of time-
“No, Killua you don’t understand. I don’t think pockets can fix this!”
Killua’s eyebrows furrowed even more. What was Gon trying to do? He couldn’t make out Gon’s intentions, and that was never a good thing. Sure, Gon’s hands were cold, but he definitely didn’t have frostbite, and Gon wasn’t usually so dramatic as to pretend like he was getting a serious infliction like frostbite-
Killua was confused .
It wasn’t often Killua couldn’t read Gon. Killua knew Gon’s emotions like the back of his hand. Gon’s happiness, bubbling and sweet, infectious even. His sadness, the way the light in his eyes would grow, or cease to exist entirely. The way it overcame his entire body, rendering him useless, if extreme enough. His anger, his overbearing, terrifying-
“Killua, I think the only way you could possibly help me,” Gon said, interrupting his thoughts, and continued, “is if you hold my hand.” Gon finished.
Oh.
Killua’s jaw snapped shut, and he clenched it. He felt his face getting warm, and it was almost refreshing compared to the cold surrounding it, especially without the scarf-
“Jesus Christ, Gon! You really had me worried for like, one second. Don’t joke around like that!” Killua replied, “And didn’t I tell you, like a hundred billion times to not say stuff like that?” Killua grated out, not angry, just embarrassed.
“Worth a shot!” Gon said, wearing the same smile, if not brighter.
Just a moment later, Killua almost broke when he saw, out of the corner of his eye, when Gon’s smile dropped and turned into a frown.
-1
Gon watched Killua pose in front of one of the mirrors that stood in each corner of the changing room of the nearest department store. Killua’s hand held his phone as he took pictures of himself. Gon quickly set a reminder to himself to get his hands on Killua’s phone later to send the pictures to his phone, then redirected his attention back to Killua.
Killua had picked out a few pairs of shorts and thin pants. They were planning to finally go back to Whale Island next week, and Killua was very excited. Gon wondered how he had managed to say no to him for so long. However, Gon didn’t stay hung up on the idea too long, because distance makes the heart grow fonder. Gon then wondered just how much that idea applied to both him and Killua, and he smiled at the thought.
“What’re you smiling about? Killua asked, and Gon looked up to meet his eyes in the mirror he was facing, “Like what you see, or something?” Killua continued and began to shift into a different pose, snapped a picture, then turned all the way back around.
Gon was taken aback by Killua’s words, where had this sudden confidence come from? Killua usually never would have insinuated that there was anything but friendship between them, even if that was false. Gon did like what he saw, he always did. Killua could wear a sack of potatoes and Gon thinks he would probably still be stunned by Killuas beauty.
Killua was beautiful, that was a fact of life. His hair now reached the end of his shoulder blades, and Gon was obsessed. Not that he wasn't before, but he definitely liked Killua’s hair long, preferred it, probably to anything else. Killua never did anything more with his hair other than the occasional ponytail, but sometimes he would let Alluka do his hair when they would all meet up again. It was her idea, she wanted a head to practice on, and Killua would have killed the population of an entire country if Alluka had asked, so, of course, he grew out his hair for her. He would have cut it, but Killua found he quite liked it like this.
Killua had on the shirt he wore into the store- a baggy off-white baby tee, and whenever Killua lifted his arms, the pale expanse of his stomach would show. Gon found he liked that shirt, and thought Killua looked cute. He was currently showing off a pair of shorts that reached Killuas mid-thigh. They were white and had dark blue pockets on the side, and Gon realized he probably should have replied to Killua by now-
“I do, actually, I like it a lot,” Gon replied.
“Do you, now? What do you like about it?” Killua said, and Gon was again surprised at his confidence, but now was not the time to indulge in that thought, because Killua was waiting for a response. Killua had turned back to face the mirror, really taking in his reflection this time, debating whether or not he should get the shorts.
“I do,” Gon said, “I like how they show off your legs, you’ve got really long legs if you didn’t already know. And, I like how your hair goes with them.” Gon placed his hands on either side of his legs and pushed himself up to stand. Gon walked towards Killua, stopping just behind him. He reached one hand out to gather all of Killua's hair into his hand and moved the locs to instead sit on just one of Killua’s shoulders.
“I like your hair a lot, in general. It looks good on you, long hair,” Gon paused, and looked forward into the mirror to see Killua’s reaction, debating if he should continue. Gon knew this wasn’t about the shorts anymore. Upon seeing only a faint blush on Killua’s face, decided that he would continue, “I like how it frames your face, and I love your face. I love your nose, even though it’s real tiny.” Gon grabbed Killua by the shoulder, pulled so that now Killua faced him, and continued “I like how you have a little white line, right there,” Gon reached the hand that was on Killua’s shoulder to instead trace his thumb along said line, “that you get from rubbing your nose too much.” Gon’s thumb smoothed its way to just under Killua’s eye, rubbing that spot =once or twice before continuing,
“I love your eyes, they’re so blue I can’t believe it sometimes. I think I could probably just look into them for the rest of my life, and I don’t see myself ever getting bored.” Gon’s voice was a hushed whisper now.
“G-Go-” Killua attempted, but was interrupted
“I’m serious, Killua. They’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, all of you. I love when you blush if you didn’t know already-”
“Yea, Gon. I obviously know.” Killua stated, stopping Gon from continuing, as he feared Gon would never stop if he didn’t.
Killua’s face was bright red now, and his eyebrows were furrowed, the same face he always wore when Gon felt a little too shameless. Killua's hands were in between the two of them, sitting uselessly in front of Killua’s pelvis. They were folded together, almost like he was trying to keep them still. Killua quickly diverted his attention to his feet, and took a step away from Gon, saying nothing.
Gon knew the moment was over now, and he regretfully accepted this as factual. Gon also took a step back and stood and waited for Killua to look at him again. Gon felt the need to reassure Killua, to show him that Gon wasn’t upset with him for ruining the moment. So, when Killua finally looked back toward Gon, he smiled at him. Gon then took a step back, and turned back to the bench he was originally sitting on. Gon grabbed the bags that sat there, and once again turned back to Killua.
“You are getting those shorts, right?” Gon asked, smug.
“Shut! Up!” was all Killua said in response.
Killua got the shorts, and Gon stood by his side with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
-1
Gon was not usually kept up by his thoughts, but tonight was one of the very few exceptions.
Killua, Alluka, Nanika, and himself have been at Whale Island for a little over a week now, their stay prolonged due to the Zoldyck’s basically begging him. (Seriously, though, how could he ever say no, especially when they begged him?)
Gon stumbled over his own thought, that Killua was his entire life, in this memory, and that one, and that one… All of the bad memories he had, though, Killua was not in. Gon knew he loved Killua, and knew it very well. Gon was not caught up on that, no.
Gon was caught up in just how much he really did. He loved Killua more than he knew, more than he knew how to feel, to express. Loving Killua was an experience, and Gon could say that loving him changed his life. Gon could see the most beautiful view in the world but knew eventually he would compare the view to Killua’s own beauty, and knew that Killua would far outrank it. Knew Killua outranked anybody, outranked Ging, Aunt Mito, Leorio, Kurapika… Alluka and Nanika came in second, but he doubted he would ever feel the same way he does for Killua either of them. Gon bristled at the momentary thought of him dating either Alluka or Nanika. Yea, nope.
Gon loved Killua a lot.
But it was on nights like these, the nights where Alluka and Killua had barely separated, attached at the hip. He didn’t know what triggered it, but it happened often. During these times, they refused to be apart, in separate rooms. So, Gon found himself here.
Sleeping on his and Aunt Mito's couch, wondering what Killua looked like as he slept next to Alluka in Gon’s bed.
Wondered if Killua was asleep, or if they were both still awake, pondering each other. Wondered if he were there, would Killua let him crawl into bed with him, if they could hold each other if Gon could tell Killua just how much he cared, how much he loved him.
But most of all, Gon wondered if Killua would ever reciprocate.
He knew Killua loved him, that was for sure.
Gon couldn’t understand where Killua was coming from. Didn’t understand why Killua thought the way he did. He understood that this is how Killua was raised, but didn’t understand why Killua held on so tightly to these virtues, still. Didn’t understand now that Illumi was out of the picture…
Didn’t understand what Killua was so afraid of.
Killua knew Gon, knew him better than Gon knew himself. This was the same vise versa, but neither of them was very experienced in the romance department. Gon knew he held a small, but still there, advantage over Killua in said subject. Women used to flock to Gon, his charismatic attitude and the willingness to help anybody that asked- This still held true to this day, and Gon often teased Killua about his ability to attract women.
This so-called ‘attraction’ was more accurately translated to ‘repulsion.’ Killua had little trouble with finding women, but that was only because Killua would never actually seek out a woman. Not on purpose, anyway.
With Gon, people were often immediately drawn to him, wanting to stay near him and watch his antics. Gon was an entertaining person to know, that was for sure. However, the more people got to know Gon, the more likely they were to not want to interact with him. People often questioned his morals when they were brought to attention. Even Gon could admit that his morality was maybe a little messed up, his best friend and first love being a man who had killed thousands of people-
People often thought of Gon as crazy, the more they got to know him. It was fun to observe at first, watching someone make a fool of themselves. Gon often embarrassed himself in front of many people, and people only watched with slight amusement.
Gon ignored the feeling of a tear rolling down his cheek and blinked the tears out of his eyes.
However, with Killua, it was the opposite. The more people got to know Killua, the more appeal they saw. Saw his kindness in action, only when it came to his loved ones. Saw his selfless behavior, and couldn’t help but be endeared. To be fair, it was hard to not be when watching a 12-year-old boy basically begging a man to let his best friend continue crushing all the bones in his hands. Watched the way Killua gave himself up, willing to give anything, anything to help.
Now, though, Killua outright refused to hand over what Gon wanted. Killua looked into Gon’s eyes, several times, and told him no. Gon wasn’t upset at that, no, Gon was upset because he thought maybe, just maybe, that all of his work will be for nothing, and that Killua doesn’t actually love Gon back.
It was easy to believe this mindset because of course it was. What does it mean when someone tells you to shut your trap and storms away, angrily, after you confess your feelings to them? The way Killua had acted that day was a reasonable cause for concern, the way he closed himself off immediately like he had been expecting it.
But then again, Gon also had the few moments in which Killua would let himself be loved, if only in small amounts. Gon cherished these moments, holding them close to his heart. He kept them safe, for moments like these. When he is laid in bed, tears streaming carelessly down his face-
Oh, when had that started?
Gon is brought further out of his thoughts when he hears a quiet creak coming from the top of the staircase. Someone was up there, and making their way down. The creaks continued, and Gon realized it was Killua coming down the steps after they let out a loud groan, and Killua whispered a curse to himself. Killua hated the stairs since his footsteps were always silent. Killua wasn’t used to making so much noise when doing something as simple as walking down a flight of stairs.
The creaking stopped, meaning Killua had finally made contact with the base floor of their home. Killua made a beeline to the couch, leaning over the back of it. Now, Gon could see his face, however faintly, due to the lighting.
“Gon? I didn’t think you would still be awake,” Killua whispered and made his way around to the other side of the couch. “Why’re you still up?”
“I could ask you the same question,” Gon replied, and he realized that it came out way snarkier than he had meant.
“Don’t get an attitude with me, young man,” Killua replied, unflinching. Gon pulled his knees towards himself and leaned up to instead sit crisscrossed, making room for Killua to join him on the couch. Killua sat on the cushion right next to Gon, a clear difference in their usual spots. Usually, Gon would be sat on one end, and Killua on the other. Gon wishes that wasn’t the case, though.
“Have you been crying? Your eyes are all puffy.” Killua continued, “Are you okay?”
Gon chose not to respond, as there wasn’t really another way to go about the situation. How does Gon tell Killua, Yes, I’ve been crying. Because of you.
Simple. He doesn’t
Gon turned his head away from Killua’s direction, choosing to instead turn it to the left, staring at the curtains that hung in front of a large window. Gon still doesn’t say anything, knowing he doesn’t have to. Killua would end up figuring it out, anyway.
Gon jumps, unprepared for what Killua chose to do next.
Killua reached a noticeably trembling hand out to Gon’s own and placed it gently on top of his. Killua gives the hand a quick squeeze, and Gon feels as if he has no choice but to look back at him.
Killua was looking down and his bangs covered his eyes, as they always did when he was embarrassed. The rest of his face donned a look of sadness, maybe pity, maybe regret.
“I’m sorry, Gon. I’m trying, I am.” Killua stated, voice wavering.
Gon had to take a moment to unravel just exactly what Killua had meant by this. Killua appeared genuine, more emotional than he would usually get in front of Gon. Killua usually hid all his negative feelings inside, until he was basically bursting at the seams. When Killua was upset, it was always about so many things at once. Killua felt emotions with his entire body, his entire mind, his entire heart. Feelings too intense for someone his age or his size. When Killua got angry, his entire body would tense, fists clenched so tightly blood would seep from his palms. His mouth would run wild, spitting insults and hurtful words as if they meant nothing. When Killua cried, he cried earnestly. Oftentimes, Killua would wail, and scream. Every time a sob racked his body, he would shake, too much for him to handle.
Gon didn’t know what to make of what Killua told him, so, he grabbed the hand that rested on top of his. He brought the hand up to his lips and pressed them firmly against pale and slender fingers.
Killua did not pull away, and Gon called it progress.
-1
"Killua, will you marry me?"
Killua very suddenly spat out his juice, before bursting into a fit of laughter. He leaned backward, laying down on the blanket Gon had laid out. They were currently atop the World Tree, per Gon’s request. I told you I would take you here, eventually. Gon had said, meaningful. We’re just a couple of years late! The sun was setting, and the atmosphere was a variety of oranges and pinks. The clouds burrowed forward underneath them, and Killua took yet another moment to appreciate the view the World Tree provided.
Killua wiped a stray tear from his eye, his laughing fit dying down to quiet giggles.
“I’m not sure what you think this is, Gon. We’re not even together. Try again in a couple of years, maybe.” Killua replied, an easy smile on his face.
“You can’t blame me for trying, Killua! Plus, we're basically together, admit it.” Gon replied, much to Killua’s embarrassment.
“We are not together, Gon,” Was all Killua replied with, his defense weak. “You could only hope.” Killua continued, as banter was always a safe option.
This was apparently no longer the case, though, because what Gon said next may have made Killua’s heart beat a little faster.
“Yea, I do. I hope 24/7.” Gon said, voice quieter. (Some would even say tender.)
Killua said nothing, but he propped himself back up on his elbows. He stretched his legs out so that just his feet dangled over the edge of the large nest they sat upon. The tops of his shoes tapped together multiple times, and Gon almost compared it to a girl with her legs kicking in the air behind her as she chatted to her boyfriend on the phone. It was endearing, and Gon smiled at Killua.
“Sorry. That was a little forward… I don’t blame you for not taking me seriously. I probably wouldn’t have either.” Gon purposely left out the fact that if, somehow, Killua ever managed to muster up the courage to propose to Gon, he would have said yes. Gon thinks that was probably a given, a known fact between the two.
Killua laid his head back down on the blanket and turned his head away from Gon, shy demeanor quickly taking over like it always did in moments like these.
“We’re only 22, Gon. We um… there’s still time.” Killua stated, and his voice did not tremble this time.
“I know. You know that I’ll wait for you, right?” Gon said, intent on getting his point across, “I’ll always wait for you. There’s nobody else for me, Killua, but you.”
Gon now leaned directly over Gon, one hand holding the weight of his entire upper half. The pose gave them both a strong sense of deja vu, and just Killua flushed at the memory. Gon, taking notice, couldn’t help but be amused at the display. In the past, Gon would generally look back on the memory and view it as negative. As his downfall, the moment everything went wrong.
As of now, though, Gon’s heart swelled as he watched Killua’s expression. The same Killua who had reacted the way he did then, reacted this way now. Reacted by fluttering his eyelashes to break the eye contact they had been holding now for a strangely long time now- and with flushed cheeks. Plus, Gon swore he saw the corner of Killua’s mouth twitch, attempting to hold back a smile.
It suddenly occurred to Gon then, that maybe he was closer to being with Killua than he thought- that the totally secret exposure therapy he had been giving Killua was actually working. The results were in, and Gon, suddenly overcome with love too tremendous to hold onto his own-
“I love you,” Gon said, again.
And maybe Killua punched him so hard he almost fell off the World fucking Tree- but the same Killua rushed to his side not a moment later, cursing, panicked, apologizing, and grasping at both of Gon’s hands.
+1
Killua had been telling himself the same thing for the last few months,
Stop being an awkward pussy and just fucking return Gon’s gestures.
And yet, Killua has yet to build up enough courage to tell Gon how he feels, how he’s felt this whole time. Gon had stayed with Killua through this troublesome predicament, despite him being shut down any time he attempted to make a move on the man he loved.
Killua had tried alternatives, sending a text, or maybe over a phone call, or maybe he could write a romantic letter to Gon. But when Killua actually made a move to attempt any one of his plans, he often found himself at a loss for words. He would freeze up, or get angry, and Killua didn’t actually know why.
There was nothing Killua wanted more than to indulge in Gon, to lean into his touch, and to whisper sweet words back to Gon. To hold Gon’s hand when he asked, to be able to initiate any sort of contact- (Yes, he remembers the day he gave way to Gon, in the dressing room. Killua guesses he had a stray hair up his ass that day, there was no other explanation…)
But he just couldn’t.
Killua had long been wondering if there was a chance that Illumi somehow hid yet another needle in his head that prevented him from doing so. This was quickly ruled out as an option on account of the x-ray Leorio had provided, free of charge. However, this also meant that there was not one person to blame this on, except for himself.
After every moment with Gon that had long crossed the line of friendship, Killua was filled with self-deprecating thoughts. He wondered what was wrong with him, why he was like this. He knew Illumi was right, that he would never be able to love someone. Truly, freely love someone.
Earlier that day, Gon had proposed to Killua, and while his mind ran rampant with the simple thought of ‘Yes, Yes, Please, Yes, one hundred million times, yes,’ his mouth chose to instead spit out his juice and say some random bullshit, attempting to change the topic from anything but marriage
Killua had had it up to here. He was not going to cause Gon any more suffering than he already had. Enough was enough, and Gon was patient enough (only when it came to Killua,) to wait for Killua to push past his embarrassment and shame.
Both of the boys sat on Leorio’s plush, L-shaped couch. The two seats at each end of the couch turned into recliner chairs, and Killua sat in one of them. He was covered with one of Kurapika’s old throw blankets (Which were always soft and always served for some good sleep,) and frankly, Killua didn’t feel like moving from his very cozy spot on this couch. Gon lay face down next to him, arms outstretched and resting right next to Killuas thigh. Gon was too tall to lay fully spread-eagle, so his knees were bent and his shins and feet rested against the back of the couch. Killua was almost concerned at Gon’s position, laying still, not a movement except the rise and fall of his chest, indicating that he was in fact still alive.
“You tired?” Killua started, initiating a conversation, and maybe (hopefully) more.
Gon lifted his head from its- most likely suffocating- position, turning instead to smile and look at Killua.
“Mhm.” Gon confirmed, “Guess the climb really tired me out.”
“Hm. Or maybe it was the near-death experience?” Killua replied, forgetting he was supposed to be acting romantic right now-
“Wow, Killua! You’re being awfully mean today. Who pissed in your coffee?” Gon replied, no real inflection behind his words.
“Probably Leorio, you know him. Always out to get me.” Killua seethed at the thought.
“You may think that, but everybody else thinks it's the other way around, yanno?” Gon stated back.
“Oh so everybody’s out to get me, then. Wow, Gon, I thought what we had was real…” Killua sniffled and turned away from Gon.
“I literally proposed to you today, Killua. That’s not gonna work.” Gon deadpanned, and Killua turned back to him, a smile on his face.
“I know,” and Killua had to muster a great amount of courage to lift his hand, and he watched with almost horror as his hand reached up, and brushed his hand through Gon’s hair.
Killua was almost amazed at how easy it was, once he got past the initial embarrassment, Killua actually found it quite pleasant.
Gon looked up at him, in what looked like amazement- what was definitely amazement- And Killua couldn’t help but inwardly curse their positions, there wasn’t much he could do like this, besides play with Gon’s hair. Killua’s hand continued, scratching gently at Gon’s scalp before lifting it to instead twirl one of the strands with his finger.
Gon, however, thought they should get a lot closer than this. Killua startled and pulled his hand away when Gon sat up suddenly, arms pushing his torso off the couch. Gon moved his legs so they were now in front of him, and his shins and feet folded underneath his thighs. He grabbed Killua’s side, the one facing away from himself, and pulled him so that Killua’s entire body faced him.
Gon stopped his administrations as if pondering something. He then pulled his hand away, choosing instead to spread both of his arms open, a silent request for a hug.
Killua swallowed, and he knew he was blushing, probably had been this whole time. A hug was a lot different than playing with each other's hair, a lot more intimate, especially knowing how they felt about each other–
But Killua has hugged Nanika and Alluka before, so Killua takes a deep breath, before releasing it in a shaky exhale. He scooted forward a bit and spread his legs a little further so his knees wouldn’t be pressing into Gon’s own. Killua brought his arms up, and they paused just before they reached Gon’s neck. Killua looked down for a moment and bit his lip before pushing forward and wrapping his arms all the way around Gon’s neck. Killua buried his face into the space between his own arm and the side of Gon’s head.
Gon stayed still for one moment, for two, before he wrapped his arms around Killua’s waist. He tugged Killua towards him, so they were torso to torso, flush. Gon buried his own face into Killua’s neck and squeezed him tightly.
Killua knew Gon had wanted this, wanted it so badly, and now that Killua knew how to push past his shame–
Killua wanted so much more.
Killua squeezed Gon, inhaling quickly before saying,
“I love you. I love you. I love you, Gon.”
Killua jerked back, unwrapping his arms until just his hands remained at Gon’s neck. Killua looked at Gon, and Gon too, wore a blush, more than Killua had ever seen on him. Gon was smiling, and Killua guessed he probably was too–
Gon rushed forward, pressing his lips against Killua’s own fiercely, desperate. He had been waiting all this time, after all. Killua, who was too stunned to do anything but be still, snapped out of his daze and pulled away from Gon. Killua didn’t miss how Gon followed him before also leaning back and he began to speak–
“Oh, gosh Killua, I’m sorry. I took it too far aga-”
“Do it again,” Killua stated. Now or never, right?
Killua did more than not stop him, did more than not halt him. This time, Killua kissed him back, again, and again, and again.
--