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Jackie couldn't sleep. The late autumn air was warm and thick and moist. Tomorrow was the Doomcoming party, and she felt self-conscious about the idea. What if it was doomed to become a big flop? What if it made everyone yearn for home instead of putting their minds off it? She sighed softly, wishing her head would just shut up and let her sleep.
She used to be so confident about who she was and what she did, but the dynamic has changed since they crashed. She's of no use out here. Her bright personality and flattering physique and unparalleled charm didn't matter out here, cause out here, she's a tertiary need. She's a luxury item, not a basic necessity, and that just isn't what the group needs right now. They're barely surviving. A pretty face isn't gonna solve that.
To make matters even worse, Jackie is barely contributing when it comes to daily tasks that need to be done to survive the wilderness. She hates getting her hands or clothes dirty when she scavenges the woods for berries or mushrooms. She dislikes eating the meat from the wild animals they hunt down, disgusted by not knowing where they've been running around and what they've been eating. It's not hard to imagine she isn't into skinning said animal or dumping its remains in a hole she dug out, either. Lord, she couldn't even light the campfire if her life depended on it.
On a good day, if the water isn't too cold, she'll walk off to the lake and 'do the laundry' if you can even call dipping dirty clothes in a dirty lake that. Either that or Jackie follows Shauna around all day, gossiping her ears off while her best friend does all the hard work.
The team is starting to catch on to her uselessness and are disregarding their ex-soccer captain as their idol, choosing others to look up to. Most popular are now Nat; the tough, feminist hunter girl who works hard every day to provide food for the group, and Lottie; she seems to be growing into some kind of prophet out here, and is gaining apostles as if she's a saint in the making. Though, Shauna is the one Jackie is most surprised by. She's butchering forrest friends as if she's been doing it all her life. She doesn't flinch or squirm or look away as she slits the animals' throats to drain them from blood. She simply clenches her jaw and watches intensely as her butcher knife slides through the skin as if it's melted butter.
Jackie rolled over in her makeshift bed at the thought, now facing Shauna peacefully sleeping next to her. She narrowed her eyes and lifted her head slightly as she studied her best friend's resting face. It's the same face she's been staring at during sleepovers her entire life, although these days, Shauna feels more rough. More brutal. The way she is when she drank a little too much. Jackie didn't like it. Shauna got more assertive. Jackie got less confident.
Jackie turned to lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. Her mind went back to Doomcoming, and she thought about her appearance. She hasn't been feeling comfortable in her own skin, hating the sticky sweat, dry skin, oily hair, and lack of fabric softener out here.
As she thinks about it, she can't help but become conscious about the discomfort of it all. The discomfort she feels right now. The sheets sticking to her body and her pajamas prickling at her chest. Out of frustration, she sits upright, throwing the sheets off her. She rubs her face and cringes at the roughness of her dry hands.
She gets up, trying not to wake her teammates sleeping beside her. She walks over to the kitchen, grabbing a tablespoon from one of the cabinets. She turns the spoon with its convex side towards herself and looks at her distorted reflexion. "Jesus fucking Christ," she whispers. After a second, she looks up at the ceiling, shooting a quick mental apology to Laura Lee for her foul words.
Jackie looks back at her reflection, stretching her skin with her fingers, trying to make her eyebags disappear. Trying to make herself look as perfect as she used to, back at home.
"Turn ugly and you'll be less than a luxury item," she mumbles to herself, but freezes quickly as she notices a lanky, dark figure in the reflection of the spoon. She whips herself around quickly, leaning her hands against the wooden countertop behind her.
"You really shouldn't say that about yourself." Jackie lets out a breath of relief at the sight of Lottie in her pink pajamas, standing in the doorframe with her arms held straight at the sides of her body.
Lottie took a few steps closer, her eyes darting around the room and lips pursed, moving from left to right. Typical, odd Lottie behaviour. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you... at all." She finally made eyecontact with Jackie and smiled softly. Jackie rubbed her forehead and massaged her aching, rapidly beating heart. "You're silent as a fucking ghost, Lot," Jackie whisper-sighed. Lottie rubbed the back of her neck, lips curling into a half-smirk, finding the humor in the situation.
"What're you doing up this late anyway?" Lottie's smirk dropped and she approached Jackie further as she answered: "Same old, you know... absurd dreams. Can't seem to catch a break from those these days..." Jackie let out a soft 'oh', feeling slight pitty for the girl and her newfound 'gift', as some on the team call it. Must be scary, she thinks. She looks up at Lottie, their height difference noticeable as the taller girl approaches the counter Jackie is still leaning against.
Lottie shakes her head lightly, breaking the moment of silence: "What about you though? Why are you up, staring into a spoon and talking to yourself?" She tilts her head, looking down at Jackie with the reappearing smirk as she towers over her. Once the shorter girl's expressions become more serious and insecure, Lottie takes a step back, not wanting to be invading Jackie's personal space during a possibly difficult conversation.
Jackie thinks about what to say. Truth is, she's just uncomfortable, cause she doesn't feel like her anymore. It's impossible to feel like herself out here without her usual selfcare routine. How ridiculous it may sound. She just feels... icky, 24/7, and it's exhausting to her.
'To her', because she's the only one struggling with this. She's the only person insane enough to have survived a fucking planecrash and be stranded in the wilderness, but still mainly worry about the lack of blowdryers, bodylotions and face-scrubs. God, she sounds so incredibly spoiled. Maybe she is. She probably is. She's gonna die out here cause she doesn't have her styling mousse. That's such a Jackie reason to die.
"Jackie?" The shorter girl snaps out of her thoughts and blinks up at Lottie, but immediately bows her head down again, looking at her feet. God, she feels incredibly ugly, especially in front of Lottie, who, in some weird ass way, is even able to pull off a huge scabbing scar on her forehead.
Jackie awkwardly avoids eyecontact with the brunette in front of her. Deep down, she wants to open up about why she's wandering around in the middle of the night, but she's just not comfortable with expressing negative emotions out loud. They make her perfect facade falter. The thing that makes everyone like her.
"It's nothing, Lot. It's really just a luxury problem." Jackie tries to brush it off, adding a charming, false smile to the mix. Though, Lottie, first of all, isn't fooled by some weak attempt of a fake smile, and, second of all, doesn't care if it's a luxury problem or not.
"Jackie," the brunette brings her hand up to Jackie's chin, lifting it with her finger to make eyecontact with those huge doe-eyes. She shoots Jackie a stern, narrow-eyed look. "Talk to me."
Jackie tries to escape the confrontation. "We can't," she whispers, looking over Lottie's shoulder at the room full of teenagers sleeping. "We'll wake 'em if we talk much longer," Jackie shrugs and gives Lottie her infamous 'clever girl who gets away with anything' grin. Lottie simply shoots her a friendly smile with a mocking undertone, grabs Jackie's wrist and tugs her out of the kitchen, parcouring over the snoring teen bodies and out the front door, into the warmth of the night.
They both inhale the healthy smell of nature, and Lottie ushers Jackie to come sit on the logs around the died down campfire. Lottie let's her hands fall in her lap and exhales quickly. "There, now you can speak freely." She raises her eyebrows, curiously awaiting possible other subterfuges from the shorter girl. Jackie simply rolls her eyes and holds her hands up in the air as she caves. Lottie is always the last one to judge others, after all, she reasons.
"Alright, fine, but you asked for it. Judge me and I'll tell Shauna to slit your throat like she does with those yucky wild animals."
Lottie simply bows her head and holds out the palm of her hand in a 'the floor is yours' kind of way. Jackie looks down at her hands and carefully speaks, letting her guard down for just a minute.
"So, as I told you, it's not a big deal. It's just that... ever since I was a little girl, I've always felt really uncomfortable when feeling, how do you say... unclean." She pauses for a second, choosing her words. "And out here, without my usual routines of self-care, I feel so... not like me, I guess?" Jackie looks up at Lottie, who nods and graces her with careful and reassuring touches, rubbing her thigh and toying with Jackie's fingers. "You're doing great, keep going."
Jackie can't help but feel fluttery and happy inside at the care and softness of Lottie's affirming actions and words. She hasn't been treated like this in a while. She thinks she's starting to understand why people look up to Lottie out here. She feels a bit like home. Safe and warm and free of worries.
After a quick smile and a hasty 'thank you', Jackie continues: "Look, I know I'm not helpful out here. It's not like I don't want to be, but I just feel like I can't step out of my comfort-zone any further, cause I'm already maxed out." There's a moment of silence as Jackie starts to feel overwhelmed and a lump appears in her throat. Lottie doesn't speak. She feels Jackie isn't done yet. After a quick minute, Jackie sighs. "I just wanna feel like me again. I wanna feel confident and pretty and clean a-and comfortable and safe."
Jackie looks up at Lottie with teary eyes, but quickly wipes them away as she starts to feel like a whiny, ungrateful bitch again. She quickly adds to her speech. "-But it's nothing. Typical me, the only one complaining while being the one with the least to complain about." She let's out a snicker, trying to build up her walls again, feeling awfully vulnerable.
Lottie tucks a strand of Jackie's dark blonde hair behind her ear, trying to stop the girl from stepping out of their own little safe space. "Jackie, stop that talk. If it's something you're struggling with, it's a problem. Don't dismiss the way you feel because others don't immediately seem to be feeling the same way." Jackie nods at Lottie's words, slowly letting them sink in.
She loses her train of thought as she's startled by some bug tickling against her calf. She bends down to brush it off, along with the dark soil sticking to her bare feet. She clenches her jaw at the dry feeling it leaves behind.
Lottie notices the discomfort and rubs her soft hand over Jackie's exposed forearm. How are her hands still so soft after all these rough weeks in the wilderness? And how are her words still so tender? How hasn't she turned bitter from all the responsibilities she was involuntary appointed? Jackie makes a mental note to soon ask Lottie about how she's feeling, because, really, who cares for the caregiver?
Meanwhile, Lottie thinks about how to grant Jackie comfort. "The sun will come up soon. How about we talk some more until then, and after, we make our way to the lake? Get rid of the sweat and discomfort. Freshen up, just the two of us, yeah?" Jackie seems intrigued by the idea, moving to look Lottie in the eye. Lottie loves the sight of Jackie's face lighting up and adds to the proposal. "I could help you get ready for Doomcoming? Do your makeup, your hair, nails... maybe even a massage?" She wiggles her eyebrows and pushes Jackie's shoulder teasingly. Jackie wholeheartedly laughs along.
As the giggles died down, Jackie nods and shoots Lottie a thankful smile. "I'd love that, actually. I think it'll make me feel way better... Especially the massage." Jackie snickers and leans her head on Lotties shoulder. Lottie shifts in favour of Jackie's comfort and pulls her closer, hand around her waist, wishing to keep her safe.
After a few minutes of comfortable silence, and Jackie almost falling asleep on Lottie's shoulder, the latter whispers:
"And for what it's worth... To me, you're a primary necessity."