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“I do not understand. We are going to a garden where they grow olives? And we are going to eat the olives? Olives are a poor meal for a warrior!”
Maddie Wachowski tried not to laugh too hard at the confusion of the red echidna sitting in the back of her SUV.
“It’s just the name of the restaurant, Knuckles,” Sonic said, rolling his eyes as he often did when having to explain something to his serious friend.
“What is a restaurant?”
“Really? You’ve traveled the galaxy and not one place you’ve been to has a restaurant?”
“A restaurant is a place where you enjoy a meal away from home,” Tails helpfully explained.
“Oh! Like a public arena where there is much feasting after the combat!”
“Minus the combat,” Tom hastily put in. “Please, do not fight anybody. The last thing we need is to be kicked out.”
“I make no promises,” Knuckles said stubbornly. “If my honor, my friends, or the Master Emerald require defense, I shall rise to their aid.”
“Aw, thanks pal,” Sonic said grabbing Knuckles around the shoulder and giving him an energetic super-fast noogie. Knuckles shook him off and gave him a light—for Knuckles—punch on the shoulder.
Well, at least the car didn’t rock with that one like things tended to when Knuckles did anything.
Green Hills was sort of in the middle of nowhere, much like the rest of Montana, but at the very least it did have an Olive Garden. Around thirty minutes away from the main drag, but in the land of the Big Sky, that was practically across the street.
“Okay, we’re here!” Maddie announced as the car pulled into the parking lot. Sonic and Tails hopped out excitedly, followed by Knuckles, who was eyeing the establishment suspiciously.
“On Angel Island, our gardens had the freshest apples, the juiciest grapes, and the plumpest tomatoes.”
“Ours have unlimited breadsticks,” Sonic said excitedly.
“This garden does not inspire confidence.” Knuckles said contemptuously.
“Again, not an actual garden,” Tails reminded him, then ran to catch up to Sonic, who was already at the door.
They filed in, each with their own hopes and apprehensions. For Tom and Maddie, it was a question of how their ‘kids’ would be received. By now, everyone in Green Hills knew Sonic and were getting used to Tails and Knuckles, but this was almost not Green Hills, and the reactions were less than predictable.
“Your finest table please, Carlita,” Sonic said to the exhausted looking hostess who barely had the energy to raise an eyebrow at the new additions to the Wachowski family.
“It’s gonna be a fifteen minute wait,” she said dryly.
“We shall not be denied sustenance!” Knuckles bellowed, pointing accusingly at Carlita.
“Don’t mind him,” Tom said apologetically. “It’s his first time in a restaurant.”
“Congratulations,” Carlita said in the same monotone.
“Come and sit down Knuckles!” Tails called from the cushioned bench off to the side of the entrance. “That’s what these are for!”
Knuckles plodded over and sat next to Tails with such force that the little fox gained a bit of air.
“Do you think they have anything with grapes?” Knuckles asked Tails, who was fidgeting excitedly.
“I don’t know, but I can’t wait to try the breadsticks Sonic was talking about!”
“It’s gonna be a lot of bread, tomatoes and cheese, my friend,” Sonic said taking a seat on Knuckles’ other side. “I don’t think they even have grape soda.”
“Do not talk to me about grape soda,” Knuckles grumbled. “That saccharine beverage dishonors the name of grape.”
Aside from the usual back-and-forth, the boys were pretty well behaved, and the fifteen minute wait passed nearly painlessly to Tom and Maddie’s relief.
“Good evening folks, my name is Tina, is this your first time eating with us?” The young, peppy waitress asked as they were seated.
“It is for these two,” Maddie said pointing to the side of the table Tails and Knuckles occupied.
Tina seemed a bit taken aback, but continued with the cheerful waiter routine just the same. “Well welcome, we’re happy to have you! Did we need any kids’ menus and crayons?” She asked Tails in a sweet tone of voice.
“Yes please!” Tails said, looking very pleased.
“Sure thing, sweetie,” Tina said, placing the small box on the table and laying a paper menu in front of Tails. Can I get you all something to drink?”
“Do you have anything made with grapes?” Knuckles asked as Sonic slapped his palm to his face.
“…How old are you?” Tina asked uncertainly.
“Too young to be drinking wine,” Tom said definitively. “Let’s all stick with water for now.”
“I am not too young to drink wine,” Knuckles insisted after Tina had gone to fetch the waters. “I have had many wines on many occasions. I quite enjoy them!”
“Okay, but you’re on earth now, and on this part of earth, there are laws about how old you have to be to drink wine,” Tom explained. “And as sheriff, I have to enforce those laws.”
“Your laws are weak,” Knuckles said. “It is no wonder your society is full of undisciplined weaklings.”
Maddie again tried not to laugh too hard at the expression on Tom’s face. Sonic was showing Tails the adult menu, giving Tails the chance to compare what was on offer.
“It all looks so good!” Tails said eagerly. “What are you having, Sonic?”
“Haven’t made up my mind yet,” Sonic said. “It’s all delicious!”
“I do not understand.” Knuckles said, a refrain Sonic was trying very hard not to get impatient with. “If a bowl does not have a bottom…it is not a bowl, no?”
“Just order it and you’ll see,” Sonic said.
Knuckles did not have to wait long to place his order, as Tina returned with a tray of waters balanced on one hand, and a bowl of breadsticks in another.
“Okay, here we go, we still need a minute to look at the menu?”
“I think we’re ready?” Tom said, casting a questioning look at the boys.
“I am told that I should order your bottomless pasta bowl, for I do not understand it.”
Tina didn’t quite know how to answer the red echidna’s question, but she was saved from the trouble by Sonic quickly ordering chicken parm, and Tails eagerly requesting a traditional spaghetti and meatball dish. Tom and Maddie both opted for lasagna, and with that, Tina was on her way.
“Dude, you’ve gotta try these,” Sonic said, practically shoving a breadstick in Knuckles’ mouth.
“Unhand me hedgehog, I shall try them,” Knuckles grunted. He bit into the breadstick he had taken from Sonic and chewed in contemplation.
“Well? What’s the verdict?” Maddie asked.
“It is dry and yet moist. I think that I prefer grapes, but it is not so bad.”
Tails was eagerly chewing through his own breadstick and scribbling on the paper tablecloth with the crayons Tina had provided.
Sonic sped through half the bowl of breadsticks in roughly 28 seconds before Tom shot him a look to save some for everyone else.
“So Knux, you keep mentioning this Angel Island. Is that where you’re from?” Maddie asked. Knuckles nodded solemnly.
“My village was one of the oldest on Angel Island. Our elders spoke of times when it was not bound to the planet, but floated freely in the air thanks to the power of the Master Emerald.”
“Whaaaaat?! Dude that sounds awesome!” Sonic said through a mouthful of bread. “We should see what happens when we take the Master Emerald back there!”
“I do not know if the stories were literally true,” Knuckles said. “It could have been a metaphor.”
“Wait a sec, you know what metaphor is, but you’re having trouble wrapping your head around ‘bottomless pasta bowl’?”
“Give him a break,” Tom said good-naturedly. “Just because he gets the concept doesn’t mean he’s going to recognize a new one.”
“Yes! Thank you, Lord of Donuts!” Knuckles said, nodding in agreement.
“Hey, you know I’m just teasing, right?” Sonic said. “I don’t mean anything by it.”
“I know,” Knuckles said. “You are having the fun.”
“But you should let us know if you’re not having fun,” Maddie said firmly. “We don’t want you to feel unwelcome.”
Knuckles nodded, but said nothing more, chewing thoughtfully on his second breadstick.
The Wachowskis got a few odd looks, but nobody came up and bothered them. Tom was certain that Sonic was racing around the restaurant when he thought nobody was looking, but the telltale pile of odds and ends wasn’t manifesting, so he guessed he was just working off energy. As long as he didn’t blow up a gale it was fine. Tails was still furiously drawing, with quick precise strokes, and an intense focus.
About thirty minutes later, Tina returned, balancing a large tray on her arm.
“Bottomless pasta bowl! Chicken parmesan, spaghetti and meatballs, and two lasagnas!” She recited cheerily as she served everyone. Knuckles stared at the bowl. The bowl did not stare back, though if it could, it probably would.
“This bowl has a bottom,” Knuckles said.
“Pardon?” Tina asked as she straightened up from setting the last plate of lasagna down.
“I was told this bowl would be bottomless! But look!” The bowl was suddenly upended as Knuckles helpfully demonstrated the very obvious bottom.
There was an awkward pause.
“Guess you’re on to your second helping!” Tina said, just as cheerily, but a hint of panic creeping in.
“I’m so sorry, he doesn’t understand certain turns of phrase,” Maddie said apologetically.
“It’s okay! I’ll—just—be right back.”
“Knux, come on man!” Sonic groaned. “I thought we went through this!” An instant whirlwind later, and Sonic had reappeared with a towel and started cleaning up the mess.
“Went through what?”
“That ‘bottomless pasta bowl’ is just an expression!”
“We did no such thing! You changed the subject to the pasta bowl after we talked about metaphors!”
“I didn’t change the subject, it was the same subject!”
“Well how was I supposed to know?!” Knuckles stood and slammed his large hands on the table, drawing the eyes of most of the other patrons now.
“Easy guys,” Tom said, standing up and putting a hand on Sonic and Knuckles’ shoulders. “No harm done, we can get through this.”
“Okay, round two!” Tina said, her demeanor starting to crack ever so slightly. “Everybody else doing okay? Any refills?”
“Oh! Yes please,” Tails said.
“Oh! What’s that you’re drawing?” She asked in an attempt to get back on her game.
“It’s a blueprint for a housing unit for the Master Emerald!”
“Tails!” Sonic hissed, waving his hand in front of his throat in an attempt to signal him to shut up. Unfortunately, Tails did not notice.
“I think we may need a few more security features. Maybe infrared laser sensors, thumbprint recognition” (“But we all wear gloves,” Knuckles whispered), “electric shocks to ward off unauthorized access, the possibilities are endless!”
“Uhhhh-huhhhhhhh….I’ll be right back with those waters!”
“Okay, bye!” Tails said waving cheerily. “She’s nice,” he said as he grinned at his family, oblivious until he saw everyone staring at him. “…What?”
“Tails, you’ve gotta be careful who you tell what,” Tom explained.
“Oh, think I should’ve shown her the blueprint for the Tornado Mk II?”
“Might’ve been easier for her to digest,” Sonic said, giving his best friend a brotherly pat on the shoulder.
“We don’t need everyone in Green Hills knowing that we have the Master Emerald,” Knuckles said. “Who knows what other evildoers may lurk in the shadows?”
“It’s Montana, dude,” Sonic said. “With Robotnik gone, the worst we’ll ever see are the rednecks Tom puts away.”
“And even then, it’s never anything too bad,” Tom said, trying to reassure Knuckles. “Maybe slap some guys with DUIs, let ‘em out the next morning, you know.”
Knuckles did not appear convinced. He did at least seem to be enjoying his metaphorical pasta. The meal continued more quietly than it had before, now that everyone was eating. Tina came by, topped off everyone’s waters, and got away as quickly as she could.
“Please excuse me, I will be right back,” Knuckles said, not long after.
“You know which way the bathroom is?” Sonic asked. Knuckles gave a nod of affirmation and went on his way.
“This could be going worse,” Tom said quietly to Maddie, who nodded and grinned.
“Knuckles is having much less trouble than I would have thought,” she replied.
“How much did you expect?”
“Oh, I thought it would be on fire by now.”
Their aside conversation was interrupted by Tails perking up and announcing “Oh! Hi, Wade!”
“Wade?” Tom repeated in confusion. Sure enough, his deputy was standing in front of the table, Tina hovering just a few feet behind.
“Uhhhh yeah, hey Tom, got a call just a bit ago from some waitress here, said there were some really concerning characters here, and well you’re the only terrorist I know—”
“Not a terrorist,” Tom reminded him.
“Right, not a terrorist, but anyway, I figured it’d be you, so…I’m not really sure what the protocol here is?”
“Wait, who would call the cops on us?” Sonic asked indignantly. “We haven’t done anything!” And then out the corner of his eye, Sonic saw Tina pointedly looking away. “And Tails thought you were nice!”
“I am nice!” Tina protested. “But you’re obviously up to something! That fox kid had all those weird drawings, and that red one…where did he go?”
A high pitched shriek came from the kitchen at that exact moment, followed by the sound of clashing pots and pans and grunts. Out from the kitchen stumbled a disgruntled-looking Knuckles.
“I just wanted to know what kind of wine you have!” Knuckles growled, shaking his fist.
Tom and Maddie looked at each other. “Check please,” they both said simultaneously.
“Just go, please,” Tina sighed, hiding her face in her hands. Tom reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet.
“I’ve had this gift card for like a year now, and I don’t know how much is on it, but it was from the government, so…probably not a lot, but at least run it.”
“We’d better split, pal,” Sonic said to Tails, who was still working away at his schematics. “Ooh! Make sure you grab a mint on the way out! Those things are the best!”
Maddie managed to get Knuckles away from the alarmed kitchen staff while Tom exasperatedly gave Wade instructions to take statements from Tina and the manager and then get back to the station. What felt like far too long later, Maddie, Tom and Knuckles were rushing out the front door of the Olive Garden, and to the SUV where Sonic and Tails were waiting.
“Go go go go go!” Maddie shouted as they piled into the car. Knuckles and Sonic ended up in a heap in the back, whereas Tails had managed to get his seatbelt buckled before the car started moving.
“That was fun!” Tails said excitedly as the car peeled out of the parking lot.
“Honestly? Still not bad for a first time out,” Maddie said as she eased up on the gas and gradually returned to a legal speed.
“Could have been much worse,” Tom agreed.
“I am sorry,” Knuckles said. “I got us kicked out.”
“Happens to the best of us,” Tom said. “Next time, just listen to us about what’s off limits. Deal?” Knuckles nodded solemnly.
Tails was practically bouncing in his seat. “I can’t wait for next time! Anybody want a mint?” He held out a small packaged candy to Knuckles who took it suspiciously. Tom looked back and gaped in astonishment at the pile of mints Tails was holding in both hands.
“Tails, how many mints do you have there?”
“Um….” Tails did a quick mental count. “About 48? Give or take a few?”
“And how many were in the bowl when you left the restaurant?”
“….About 56.”