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The first time Brittany noticed someone commenting on her body, she was in the locker room changing after Cheerios practice. She and Santana were discussing their plans for a duet in glee club that week as they pulled their uniforms off and over their heads in swift motions. Brittany had noticed that some of the other girls on their team preferred to change in the locker room bathrooms or shower stalls out of sight, but she and Santana had always been pretty comfortable with their bodies (especially if they were the only ones really looking at each other). She was stripped down to her pink sports bra and socks and laughing at something Santana had said when a girl grabbing deodorant from the locker across from them interrupted their quiet conversation.
“Hey, Brittany.”
Brittany turned, seeing that it was one of the new girls on the team this year; a freshman who made tryouts a few weeks ago. Madison, she thinks her name is. She leaned down to take off her socks but smiled at the younger girl apprehensively, they’d never really spoken to one another before but she seems friendly enough. Santana (per usual) isn’t as nice, giving the girl an ugly look for having interrupted their moment before turning away from them and rifling through her locker. She doesn’t say it, but Brittany can see how uncomfortable Santana suddenly feels and her smile falters. She urged the freshman girl to continue, a little less nicely for Santana’s sake
“What do you want?”
Madison shifted in her spot before them.
“Well, me and some of the other girls from the team were talking and we just think maybe you should ask Coach Sylvester if you can be a flyer in the game this weekend. We’re down one since Gwen has mono, and you’d be perfect for it.”
Brittany raised her eyebrows in surprise. Ever since she started cheer in the 7th grade she’d been a back spotter because of her height, and she’d never really considered flying before. Unless that time Sue wanted to shoot her out of a cannon counts, she supposes. Why would they think she’d be a good choice for filling in the spot? Santana, redressed and reintrested in the conversation, slammed her locker closed loudly and turned back around to speak before Brittany could.
“What do you mean she’d be “perfect” for it?”
Santana uses her fingers to put air quotes around the word “perfect”, practically snarling at the group of freshmen who have now congregated around them. Suddenly, feeling a little more exposed in just her undergarments, Brittany hugged her arms around her waist. Madison charges on, seemingly unphased by Santana’s intimidating attitude and Brittany’s discomfort. Santana took a step closer to the freshman, putting a little more distance between her and Brittany and Britt’s heart swells for a moment in adoration and gratitude for her girlfriend. Most of the time when people were being rude to her Brittany didn’t even realize it because their insults or mean tone of voice went over her head, but Santana always noticed and stuck up for her even if she went a little overboard. From her defensive stance now, Brittany thought maybe this was one of those times and Madison was being sarcastic.
“Her body.”
Madison says it very matter-of-factly and shrugs, like it’s obvious, gesturing towards Brittany’s near-naked form.
“Like, she’s obviously super skinny. If she weren’t so tall she’d probably be the lightest girl on the team. She’s a shoo-in for flyer.”
Some of the girls behind Madison nodded their heads in agreement, eyes lingering on Brittany. It made her feel strange the way they spoke about her like she wasn’t standing right there, but sometimes that just happened when Santana dominated the conversation.
“What’s your diet and workout routine like, Britt? You’re seriously body goals.”
It took a second for Brittany to realize she was being brought back into the conversation, only realizing when Santana turned and looked at her expectantly.
“Oh um…”
Brittany laughed awkwardly, so many eyes on her. She reached for her shirt on the floor and quickly tugged it over her head to maybe stop the staring. Since when did this conversation become about her appearance? It was fine for Santana to look at her, but it was awkward when everyone else was doing it.
Santana was trying to read her reaction to their words to see whether or not Brittany was taking offense to what they said so she could rebuff accordingly, but it was hard to tell with her awkward smile and shifting eyes. They weren’t insulting her, in fact, they were complimenting her, but the comments were definitely inappropriate. Santana would probably go Lima Heights on someone if they approached her while mostly naked and started making comments about her weight, compliments or not. But Brittany was nicer than her and probably less insecure, so she didn’t want to overreact.
“I don’t know, I guess I dance a lot in glee club.”
The locker room erupted with teen laughter, even though Brittany hadn’t really been attempting a joke. Santana, sensing Brittany’s clear discomfort, stepped in.
“She’s just a natural hottie.”
Madison laughed, rolling her eyes.
“Right, a natural size two.”
The other cheerios snickered alongside her, as though Santana was also being sarcastic when even Brittany could tell she wasn’t.
“Whatever, I get it, keep your trade secrets. The point is you’d make a good flyer.”
Madison tossed the deodorant back in her locker and turned around to leave.
“Just think about asking Coach for the spot.”
All of the other girls followed her out of the locker room, leaving Santana and Brittany alone again at last.
“Well, that was weird.”
Brittany quickly pulled some shorts on, rushing to get dressed. Even under just Santana’s worried gaze she felt goosebumps spreading down her arms.
“Yeah.”
Santana watched her girlfriend shove her things into her backpack and locker nearly in a frenzy. She bit her lip, wondering what to say.
“I mean, maybe you should ask coach Sylvester about filling Gwen’s spot. You’d probably be great at it.”
Brittany crossed her arms
“Because of my body?”
Santana immediately took her hands in hers and uncrossed them, planting quick kisses on the backs of them. It made Brittany blush a deep red and she had to resist doing it a hundred more times.
“No, because you’re great at everything and insanely talented.”
Finally, Brittany smiled.
“But sure, you also have a rockin’ bod.”
Both girls broke out in girlish laughter and the tension in the locker room was lifted.
By the time Brittany and Santana were back at Brittany’s place and once again stripped down to their undergarments, any lingering thoughts regarding her body were gone.
The second time someone brought Brittany’s attention to her body it was actually her future mother-in-law, Maribel Lopez. Brittany didn’t go over to Santana’s house a lot. It wasn’t that Brittany didn’t like Mrs.Lopez, because actually, she liked her quite a lot. The woman had been as supportive as she could be ever since Santana was outed, and she made a good effort to be kind towards Brittany whenever she saw her at Glee performances or football games because she knew how much the girl meant to Santana. Even before they began dating, Maribel knew Britt was the sort of friend that would stick around. No, the issue with Santana’s house was mostly her father. To be fair, Mr.Lopez usually wasn’t around. As a doctor, he worked long hours at Lima Hospital and even when he was home he mostly stayed in his study-- Santana had confided in Brittany that her parents slept in separate beds and really only interacted with one another if strictly necessary. They were as good as divorced, but for appearance’s sake, they preferred to stay together and make their house an extremely awkward and tense place for their daughter. On the off chance that Santana and her father did cross paths, he never had anything kind to say-- that was really all Brittany knew because Santana didn’t like to talk about him much.
Suffice to say, Santana liked to get out of the house, and Brittany’s was perfect because it was always empty. It was sad for Brittany, because of course every kid wants to feel like their parents care about them at least a little bit, but it was great for her social life. No one to make her do her homework, no one to notice alcohol missing from the liquor cabinet, and no one to walk in on her and Santana getting on their sweet lady kisses (aside from Lord Tubbington). Plus, it was a wonderful feeling to be able to offer her girlfriend a safe space all their own. That being said, Santana made it a goal to have her girlfriend over for dinner and a movie at least once a month. Mrs.Lopez was always asking about Britt, so she was thrilled when the girl actually came over to spend the night, and it made Santana feel a little less guilty about never being one to host (regardless of how many times Brittany assured her it was fine). Brittany enjoyed it because she didn’t want Mrs.Lopez to think she was rude or didn’t like her, and plus Santana’s room was dark and so different from her own that it was fun to hang out in, like fully seeing a side to Santana so few got a glimpse at. As they sat down around the Lopez’s dining table Brittany thought about this and squeezed her girlfriend's pinky in her’s tightly out of love beneath the table where no one could see. Santana smiled warmly to herself, squeezing back.
“So Brittany, any plans for graduation yet?”
Brittany and Mrs.Lopez fell into easy conversation as everyone began serving themselves some of the delicious paella from the center of the table. Well, Brittany found it delicious-- Santana had rolled her eyes and whined when her mom told them what she was making for dinner because she didn’t like seafood. This was made abundantly clear by the measly half a serving Santana dished out for herself. She then proceeded to push the food around with her fork and not really eat any of it for the next ten minutes, sighing to herself intermittently while Brittany and Mrs.Lopez caught up. The two girls held their pinkies together tightly under the table the entire time. Santana could tell her girlfriend was a little tense-- she loved her mother, but she knew better than anyone she could be a very intimidating and intense woman. Because she only saw Brittany a few times a year really, every time she did it practically turned into an interview; and social interaction just wasn’t always as natural to Brittany as it was to her. Tonight, however, Britt seemed to be holding her own pretty well, so she mostly tuned them both out as she focused on absolutely dissecting her untouched forkfuls of paella.
“You’re really not going to eat your supper, Santana?”
The girl perked up as her mother addressed her, shoving her plate away dramatically.
“No, and I practically told you as much when you said you were making paella this morning. You know I hate fish.”
Her mother rolled her eyes, and Brittany had to hold back a smile at how similar they acted sometimes.
“Aye, always such a child. Brittany likes my cooking just fine!”
To prove her point, Mrs.Lopez gestured toward Brittany’s cleared plate. It was a dance-heavy week in glee club and she’d worked up quite the appetite at practice.
“For such a tiny girl you eat well, yeah mija?”
Brittany shrugged and smiled awkwardly, not sure how to answer that. She thought she pretty much ate as well as most average people. Her hand tightened around Santana’s just a little bit, and her girlfriend must have noticed because she tried to soothe her by rubbing the back of her hand with the pad of her thumb.
“I remember when Santana first brought you over for dinner you were what, 12 years old? You were this tall, blonde, frail-looking little thing. So skinny! And I thought you weren’t going to eat a thing at dinner that night but you proved me wrong then and continue to prove me wrong now. Where do you put it all, huh?”
Brittany laughed again but it was forced and Santana could tell.
“Mom, stop.”
Her mother, looking offended, pressed both palms to the table and scoffed.
“What? Am I not allowed to compliment your girlfriend?”
Santana rolled her eyes.
“It’s not really-- whatever, can we just drop it?”
Santana’s mother tutted, picking her fork back up again and smiling at Brittany who was looking down and focusing on folding her napkin into tiny little squares.
“Fine, all I was going to say was that I bet all the girls at school and on the cheer squad are very jealous of your God-given fast metabolism, Brittany. I think Santana just proved as much!”
Brittany laughed again, but Santana noticed as she grits her teeth into a smile at her mother she accidentally tears the napkin in half.
The third time it happened Brittany was with both Santana and Quinn, hanging out in the girl’s bathroom and skipping out on fourth period. The Unholy Trinity frequently could be found doing this; the girl’s restrooms were the perfect place for catching up on all the glee club drama and cheer gossip for the week all while retouching their lipgloss. Plus, fourth period was Spanish with Mr.Schue. Hard pass.
“And then apparently Sam told everyone that we broke up because I’m gay now-- which is not true, by the way.”
Santana stopped filing her nails and smirked at Brittany who was sitting in one of the sinks and playing on her phone. The two side-eyed one another like they clearly had some sort of inside joke that Quinn wasn’t privy to. The head cheerleader worried sometimes about third-wheeling now that the other two girls were publically official, but then she thinks back on it and realizes Brittany and Santana had pretty much always been this close as long as she’d known them. The only difference now was they frequently swapped spit, but Quinn could deal with that if it made them happy.
“I don’t knooow Quinn, that’s not what I heard.”
Santana spoke with an evil smile and this long, drawn-out voice that made it obvious she was teasing her friend. Brittany smiled too, playing along and nodded her head in agreement. Quinn scowled at them both briefly before turning back to the bathroom mirror and touching up her eyebrows.
“I heard that you’re not just gay for anyone, you’re gay for Ber-”
Quinn quickly cut off Santana before she could finish that sentence by throwing up her hands and whipping around to stare at the other girl with a crazed look.
“DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE.”
Her defensive reaction was enough to send both girls into frenzied fits of laughter.
By the time their laughter had died down and Quinn had stopped threatening to kill Santana, the three girls were no longer alone in the restroom. During their squabbling, a group of four other girls (underclassmen, Quinn thinks) had entered and began touching up their own makeup at the sinks beside them. Brittany, in all her erupting laughter, had hopped out of the sink and was now standing normally with Santana on her left and one of the new girls on her right. She was about to get her lip smackers from out of her backpack to reapply when she felt a pair of eyes that weren’t her girlfriend’s staring her up and down. Tentatively, Brittany peeked up from the sink to face the girl checking her out. She had a pretty neutral expression, but she had the decency to look a little embarrassed that she’d been caught in the act and quickly looked away to face the mirror again. Brittany was used to being checked out quite frequently, though usually by guys, and never with Santana around because everyone knew her girlfriend wouldn’t hesitate to go “all Lima Heights on them” if necessary.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to stare.”
The girl’s voice caught the attention of both Santana and Quinn who’d been quietly discussing something to do with this week’s game. They turned to study the girl who was admiring Brittany.
“You’re just super pretty.”
Santana quickly snatched Brittany by the arm, tugging her closer to her sink and further away from the girl. If looks could kill the sophomore would’ve been dead. When she spoke her words spit venom.
“She’s also super taken, so watch it, Porky Pig.”
The girl shrunk under Santana’s insult and Brittany felt sorry for her because it was sort of true, the girl would be considered pretty chubby compared to the three of them and her other few friends who were all repping some sort of WMHS sports uniform. Soccer, probably.
“Thanks though.”
Brittany smiled at the girl, and then turned to quickly peck Santana on the cheek so she knew she felt loved, but also gave her a look that made sure she wouldn’t say anything else mean. The little kiss seemed to work its magic and douse her fires, and Santana settled on crossing her arms and pouting. Quinn almost laughed at how whipped Santana truly was. She’d make fun of her for it later.
The sophomore finally recovered from Santana’s insult and pressed on, the rest of her friends watching her curiously.
“I wasn’t really trying to flirt-- I was actually just gonna ask what diet you’re on? Your thigh gap is like, to die for.”
Brittany, suddenly very conscious of her exposed legs, crossed her ankles and smiled awkwardly. It was supposed to be a compliment-- she could tell from the way the girl was smiling at her. So why didn’t it make her feel very good about herself?
“Oh um, thank you? But I don’t really diet.”
The girl looked at Brittany suspiciously and her other friend, who was taller and a little more confident looking, joined in the conversation.
“Oh I get it, you’re one of those girls who doesn’t eat.”
A third girl with braces joined in too.
“Or who pukes up everything she eats. No need to diet when you don’t keep anything down.”
Before Brittany could even think to respond, or really process what the underclassmen had said to her, both Quinn and Santana were pouncing on the group.
“Excuse me??”
“I’m sorry, who the hell do you three think you are?”
The smaller girls all backed up in surprise, placing their hands up defensively. Britt grabbed Santana by the collar of her cheer uniform trying to get her to calm down, but her girlfriend shrugged her off and got in the girls' faces. Quinn sat flanked on her side scowling, arms crossed.
The younger girls quickly tried to placate the angry cheerleaders.
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way!”
The girl with braces nodded along.
“Yeah chill! We just meant she’s like, really skinny and stuff.”
As though it would make the situation better they tacked on,
“So are you guys!”
Santana grabbed the closest girl, the one who was a little chubbier than her friends and who’d started this whole debacle, by the neck of her t-shirt and pulled her closer to her. The girl absolutely shrunk under Santana’s furious gaze and Brittany worried the girl might wet herself out of fear.
“If I ever hear you or any of your friends talking about my girlfriend’s body, I’ll show you what happens to little kids in Lima Heights who think it’s okay to talk about other people’s appearances.”
Quinn shoved the girl’s shoulder, knocking her out of Santana’s grasp. She stumbled to stay on her feet as Quinn shouted in her face.
“Cause news flash, speculating that someone might have an eating disorder is not a compliment.”
All the underclassmen stood, stunned.
“You got that?”
They nodded their heads at Quinn, looking like a bunch of stupid bobbleheads before finally scampering out of the restroom.
Santana turned back to face Brittany with a huff, her brows still furrowed and the hair on her arms still standing on end; until she realized Brittany was chewing on her bottom lip clearly trying not to cry. Seeing those big, blue eyes welled up with tears immediately made her heart plummet to her feet, and any wind still left in her sails disappeared. Quinn watched as Santana rushed over to Brittany’s side and began comforting her.
“Hey, don’t cry baby. I’m sorry for yelling.”
Brittany nodded her head, trying to blink away her tears as Santana cupped her face and kissed her cheek. The moment was sweet, but Quinn had a sinking feeling Brittany wasn’t crying just because the two of them had raised their voices.
“Those girls were being stupid, Brittany. You look gorgeous and healthy and your body is perfect.”
Brittany gave Quinn a watery yet appreciative smile, but the blonde could tell it didn’t reach her friend’s eyes.
The next time it happened, Brittany was on a date at Breadstix with Sam. She didn’t really like coming here with him. The truth was that she didn’t particularly like going anywhere with him, but she especially didn’t like coming here because it always made her think of Santana. A lot of things seemed to do that lately.
“And then coach told me I need to carbo-load for the next few weeks if I wanna stay linebacker. Apparently, the linebacker at McKinley’s rival school is like, huge.”
Sam chewed with his mouth open, talking around his fork as he shoveled spaghetti into his face. It grossed Brittany out, so she looked down at her own plate while he spoke. She ordered a garden salad, and it was mostly untouched. She’d been struggling to eat lately. She’d been struggling to do much of anything lately. When she did eat, it was incredible amounts of junk food: cheese balls, large frappuccinos, potato chips; she’d eaten an entire container of double-stuffed Oreos in glee club the other day. Eating too much or too little helped fill the Santana-shaped hole in her heart, even if only a little. It was a nice distraction and a way to feign control over her life when it seemed like everything was spiraling. Plus, Santana had always struggled with eating as long as she’d known her, so in a strange sort of way it made Brittany feel closer to the girl who seemingly no longer wanted anything to do with her. Besides, all her life people had assumed she had disordered eating due to her body and her love of dance. The only difference was now it was true.
“Aren’t you going to eat your salad?”
Brittany shrugged, repeatedly stabbing the same piece of limp lettuce with her fork repeatedly.
“Not really hungry. Besides, I need to stay in shape for regionals.”
If Sam noticed how utterly miserable she sounded he didn’t mention it, instead pressing on with his football rant. Brittany’s chest ached. Sam was sweet and funny, she enjoyed his impressions even if she usually didn’t understand his references and he never made her feel stupid like most guys did. But he just didn’t know her like Santana did. Brittany had to spell everything out for him where Santana could read her like a book. It was an exhausting change of pace.
“Did you see Tina this week at Mr.Schue’s wedding, by the way? She’s put on a bunch of weight since last semester, but I didn’t really notice till I saw her in that dress.”
Brittany squirmed in her seat uncomfortably. Sam talked a lot about bodies and weight and dieting. If he wasn’t working out at the gym or asking Brittany to go on a run with him, he was probably in the kitchen trying out some new high-protein-carb-free recipe (that would taste like shit even if it were being made by someone who could cook). It made her highly uncomfortable, not only because of her own personal struggles but because it just seemed plain rude. If there was one thing Britt couldn’t stand, it was bullies.
But of course, the blonde didn’t say any of this to Sam, because that meant having a conversation and maybe even an argument, and Brittany just couldn’t stomach the idea of that tonight. All she wanted right now was to curl up in bed with Lord Tubbington, watch reruns of Full House, and eat strawberry ice cream until she felt like she was going to vomit.
“I didn’t really notice.”
Sam pursed his lips, giving Brittany a petulant look.
“Let me guess, too busy checking out Santana?”
Normally Brittany probably would’ve denied the accusation, however true it was. Instead, she just shrugged again, finally shoving away her plate as the waiter passed by and took it away from her.
“You seriously need to move on from her, Brittany. You deserve better.”
Brittany sighed inwardly. That night while she was hovering over the toilet and puking up ice cream for the second time in the last hour, she thought about what Sam had said. He was probably right, she did deserve better. She just wasn’t sure this was it.
Her and Santana were cuddling in her bedroom, so tangled up together it was difficult to tell where each girl began and the other ended. Santana had her leg hooked over Brittany’s protectively and her arm snug around her middle, and each time her girlfriend breathed beneath her she nuzzled her face even closer into the warm crook of her neck. The two had been back together for a little over a week now, but sometimes it still didn’t feel real. Each of them had spent so many months apart trying in vain to convince themselves that they could live without the other, but ultimately they always knew they would end back together like this or not at all.
“Are you hungry?”
Brittany spoke softly into Santana’s hairline, punctuating her question with a soft kiss on her forehead. Santana sighed contently, breathing in Brittany’s sweet, fruity scent and humming in response. Britt giggled at the way Santana’s hum vibrated against the side of her neck and kissed her again. A movie was playing quietly on the TV, but neither of them was really watching it.
“I bet you are, you hardly ate anything at dinner last night.”
Feeling the way Brittany tensed at her gentle accusation Santana shifted away so she could look her girlfriend in the eye. The blonde was busying herself with a thread on the quilt they were wrapped up in, only turning to face Santana after she cupped her face and guided it towards hers. Brittany shrugged.
“I didn’t feel very well.”
Santana sighed, rubbing Brittany’s cheek with her thumb in circular motions.
“You haven’t been taking very good care of yourself, baby. I can tell.”
Brittany sniffled, and suddenly without notice those gorgeous blue eyes were welling up with tears. Santana sat up quickly, taking both sides of her face in her hands.
“Shhh, it’s okay Britt. Come here.”
Santana motioned for Brittany to sit on her lap and without hesitation she did, straddling her so both legs were wrapped tightly around Santana’s waist. She buried her head in Santana’s chest and quietly cried, her hands finding somewhere to hide in Santana’s soft, curly hair. When she spoke she hiccuped and Santana’s heart broke. It reminded her of that day in the choir room.
“It was just hard without you. I was really alone, ‘Tana.”
Despite herself, Santana let a few tears of her own fall into Brittany’s hair as she kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back, guilt twisting in the pit of her stomach. Even without all the specifics, Santana understood where Brittany was coming from. Kurt had hounded her constantly in New York about eating enough or brushing her teeth or taking showers, and she’d done the same for him after his break-up with Blaine. Without your other half it not only felt easy to fall apart, but impossible not to.
Even so, Brittany had been hurt by their breakup in ways much different than Santana, ways she would never fully understand but spend forever trying to make up for.
“You’re never going to be alone like that again Britt, I promise.”
Brittany removed her face from Santana’s chest to look at her, as though searching to make sure she meant it.
“You’re the most beautiful, intelligent, talented, special girl in the world, Brittany. You deserve to be with someone who reminds you of that every single day. You deserve to eat, and laugh, and dance. You deserve the world, and I’m going to give it to you.”
Shakily Brittany extended her pinkie finger and her girlfriend quickly linked their fingers together. The blonde gave her a watery smile.
“I promise I’m going to help you take care of yourself, and you promise to help me take care of myself, right?”
Santana kissed their intertwined fingers.
“Forever.”
Brittany smiled, pulling Santana in for a hug.
“Great, then let’s go get some lunch.”