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“Carol!”
Carol’s head jerked up involuntarily. It took a moment to remember that yes, that was her name, and looking up was the right thing to do. Sometimes her body reacted without consulting her mind first. Huge chunks of memory were gone, but the neural pathways that triggered her reactions hadn’t all been broken.
The woman who had called out her name, a blur of lithe black and red with flashes of yellow, swung off a motorcycle and removed her helmet. It released a mane of dark hair that tumbled to her shoulders in an absurdly perfect swish.
Carol’s brain shot off a wave of recognition neurons, but a tightening in her chest and a sudden pound of headache were the only responses they summoned up. Names? Events? Images? Nothing.
The woman lifted her yellow goggles, and Carol stared at her face, wishing that there could be something besides the headache and that ache, right under her breastbone, to signal who she was and what she meant to Carol.
Her face was lit with a smile, warm recognition in her eyes. It was almost too much, seeing that openness and happiness at the sight of her. Unfair, complained the ten-year-old who had taken up residence in Carol's head. (All the empty space seemed to have devolved into childishness.)Why should this woman gain so much pleasure from memories that had once belonged to them both, but now were private property. And yet, Carol wanted to zoom over to her, pull her into an embrace, ask her, perhaps, to teach her who ‘Carol’ was, because she wanted to be the person who could make this woman smile like that.
But she didn’t.
The woman’s face fell as Carol failed to respond. Did she know what had happened? Or was this a person from her normal life who couldn’t guess that wars in space and flying and near-total amnesia were even possible? Did she have a normal life? She hadn't seen any sign of it yet.
“Hey,” said Carol, stepping towards her. “Um…”
“Jess,” the woman said. She shook her head. “You look well. I guess I just thought you might have . . . ” gotten your memories back, was the clearly unstated content.
“Jess?” Carol said, frowning. “You’re too pretty to be Jessica Drew. So, I guess . . . are you Jessica—”
“Don’t say another word, charmer.” the woman glared at her. “I’m not going to be mistaken for Jessica Jones by you of all people. Even if you do have total amnesia.”
“Drew then?”
The woman nodded.
Carol stared, trying to fix the face with the name and what she’d been told. Jess. Jessica Drew. Spider-Woman, which made sense with the abstract spider design on her motorcycle jacket. Somehow it was against protocol to have out-of-costume photos in the Avengers database, security, or something, and code-names were all that accompanied them. But the kids - and they were totally just kids, superheroes or not - who had been helping her had provided extra information.
Spider-Woman, yeah, she’s not an Avenger right now, but you should probably know who she is.
Why?
You’re kind of her best friend. Mainly because no one else wants to put up with her. The kid had rolled her eyes. She totally has no sense of fun.
“What’s with the too pretty to be Jessica Drew bullshit?” Jess asked. “What have they been telling you about me?”
“Confusing things.” Carol offered a small smile. “That you’re grumpy and cranky and old and no fun and my best friend.”
“Have you been talking to Silk?” Jess made a face. “Just because she’s a baby doesn’t mean I’m old. And I’m younger than I look. Really--not just that 'you're as young as you feel' BS. That’s what you get for spending all your teen years in a vat.” She made a face. “Well, maybe you also get some weird anti-aging effects, so I dunno. But really, don’t listen to anything Silk says.”
Yeah, it seemed that the info had been a little biased. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t guessed that Jessica Drew would be attractive. It was hard to find an Avenger without all-american good looks and flawless - if occasionally green - skin. But she hadn’t thought Drew would be gorgeous, and interesting-looking, and make her face and the palms of her hands glow hotter than they were already. No accidental fires, she told herself. That would be embarrassing.
Was there a thing there? Maybe they had a thing. “I’m getting the feeling that time has only done you favors,” Carol said, and offered a smile. Maybe she let her eyelids fall a little bit. Maybe the smile was a tiny bit closer to a leer than she would have normally done.
Jess’s eyes widened. “Um,” she said.
Carol winced. Apparently flirting was not part of their dynamic. No thing, then.
It would be so much easier to just not deal with people who remembered her, who expected things from her. Carol’s life felt like a terrible game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, where she was spinning around blindfolded, desperately stabbing pins into featureless wall, trying to hit the mark labeled ‘Carol’ that everyone could see but her.
“Hey.”
Carol nearly jumped a mile at the feeling of Jess’s hand curling around her forearm. She met Jess’s eyes, seeing in them slight amusement, affection, and an odd familiarity, as if she knew what was going on in Carol’s head better than Carol did herself.
“Why don’t we grab coffee and you can tell me what things have been like since you woke up.”
“And, maybe you can tell me what things were like before that?” Carol suggested hesitantly.
“It’s a deal.”
Jess slid her arm through the crook of Carol’s elbow and tangled their fingers together. Carol breathed out, the tension dissipating from her shoulders for the first time since she woke up. For once she didn’t feel entirely alone, even though she didn’t even have herself and her memories for company.
#
“I’m sorry, okay! I didn’t know who he was!”
Carol felt like an idiot, and she hated feeling like an idiot. No one had died, at least. She just wished that they’d stop acting like she had.
But there was Wonder Man, rubbing his head and looking betrayed.
Steve squeezed her shoulder and smiled gently. “Don’t worry about it. We don’t blame you. And I’m sure you’ll start remembering things soon. If Professor X was here he’d have you right as rain. But we’ve got to do this the hard way.” He chuckled. “Unless you want Emma messing around in your head.”
“I’m fine,” Carol said, jerking her arm away from him. She was fine. It wasn’t her fault that people kept forgetting that, well, that she’d forgotten everything, and assumed that she’d know that a man in a back jumpsuit with glowing eyes was a good guy and not just another villain to take out.
Maybe she needed a name change, and a new costume, so they’d stop thinking that Captain Marvel was someone they knew. Amnesia girl, that sounded catchy. She could wear a hospital gown and some stylish tubing.
She was tired of everyone treating her like she was handicapped.
She wanted a drink.
But why she couldn’t have one had been written clearly in her file.
“Hey.” A hand gently brushed her back, and Carol turned to find Jess at her shoulder. She was just out of the shower, dark hair toweled dry but still dripping enough to soak the white tank top that she wore with tight black jeans. “Clean up,” she said. The hand rubbed at the small of her back comfortingly. “Then lets get dinner.”
Carol sank slightly at her touch, not realizing that she’d been hovering until her arches stretched against the floor.
Jess’s gaze was steady. The only expression Carol could discern was expectation, but the only thing she expected was a response.
“Yeah,” Carol said. “Sounds good.”
She cleaned up fast and pulled on sweats and hustled out to where Jess was waiting for her.
“It’s good of you to be looking out for her,” Steve said, and Carol froze, hating this, hating having babysitters. Jess wasn’t supposed to be her babysitter. It punched into her gut like a betrayal.
But Jess was scowling at Steve. “I’m not her minder,” she said. “I’m her friend. She’s still Carol. I want to spend time with her. I don’t feel like I have to.”
Carol backed out of the room and came back in, making noise this time.
She was watching as Jess saw her, watching the way her eyes changed, warmed, softened.
For someone who was as ironic and grumpy as Jess was, that slight gentling, it meant a lot.
It meant even more that Jess had seen her mistakes, dealt with the loss of their shared past, and still cared. And unlike everyone else, Jess cared about her, and not only about the Captain Marvel who had disappeared along with her memories.
“There’s a new place I’ve been wanting to try,” Jess said. “Ride with me?”
Carol took the extra helmet, feeling an odd sensation in the tips of her fingers and a tightness in her chest. She didn’t need the helmet, she could fly easily, but riding on the back of Jess’s bike, it felt… it felt like what she thought her old self might have felt about flying. Danger didn’t seem to have anything to do with it, or maybe, maybe it was just a different kind of danger.
Arms around Jess’s waist, nose pressed into her hair, shouting comments on Jess’s reckless driving into the wind, it felt just as good as she’d expected it to.
#
“Why don’t you give me that pity look?”
Jess glanced over, setting down her wine glass but not releasing it, fingers laced gently around the bowl. “Mm?” The wine was red, red like her costume, vibrant and alive against her skin and the white tank top.
Carol had pushed her to have it, since she didn’t remember being an alcoholic, so it wouldn’t bother her. Jess was immune to toxins, so it wasn’t like it was going to impair her driving either.
“Everyone else,” Carol said, “when they remember I can’t remember them, they give me a pity look, like, oh no, the poor, helpless thing, she’s so lost. She’s sick. But not you. You do this wry smiley thing instead.”
Jess did the wry smiley thing again. “Yeah, well. It sucks that you don’t remember me. But if I forget that you have amnesia, it’s not your fault. You forgetting in the first place though—” She pointed her finger at Carol. “Don’t do that again. It’s annoying for me, but this is the second time I’ve had to watch you put yourself back together again. I think it’s worse for you.”
“The second time?”
Jess frowned. “It should be in your file. Rogue, back when she was evil, took your powers and your memories. Xavier pulled them back out of your subconscious, and, well, I rode with him. Some of your memories were… kind of awful. At least not remembering is better than having to relive all that trauma.” Jess grimaced. “I’d hate to be forced to relive all of mine. And you’re not allowed to ride along if I have to. I’ve more trauma than anyone needs. You don’t want it either.”
Carol had found her own file kind of confusing. Jess’s had just been a rough read. She reached out and tugged her hand off the wine glass and held it. “Thanks for going through that with me,” she said. “Hopefully you won’t have to again.”
Jess was staring at their connected hands. Carol watched her throat move in a swallow. “I’d do it, though,” she said. “If you need someone, I’ll be pissed if you don’t ask me.”
Carol squeezed. “Right. I’ll keep that in mind.”
She didn’t let go. Jess looked up, meeting her eyes, something sort of tortured on her face. Then she smiled, her grip tightening as well, in acknowledgement? Warmth at least.
“This is why,” Jess said.
Carol inquired with an eyebrow.
Jess gave her hand another squeeze, like they were communicating in morse code. “Why I don’t give you the pity look. I was really cheesed at first, but, memories or not, you’re still Carol. You’ve latched onto me enough that I feel like… honestly, you’re the one thing I’m confident of in this world. Even if you forget me, or are too muddled to realize I’m not myself, or are yelling at me for doing something stupid, when you do figure things out, I know you’ve got my back. You’re loyal, Carol. It’s just who you are. And even now, when you don’t know who I am, you want to spend time with me. I like that.”
“I like you,” Carol said. She wondered, absently, if she’d ever thought about kissing Jess before, if she’d tried and got shot down, or if she’d had some hangups that wouldn’t let her just go for it. It had to be one of those reasons. How could she have not thought about it? Jess was like this beautiful cracked statue, fault lines running through it. It just needed someone to love it fearlessly enough so the pieces could start to grow back together.
Jess was giving her an ironic look, as if just saying that straight out was something that deserved teasing. Without thinking, Carol let go of her hand and reached out, pressing both palms against Jess’s cheeks and squishing away the dry expression.
“Carol!” Jess beat her hands away. “Why do you always do stuff like that!”
She looked like a startled cat, offended, with a few strands of hair sticking up awkwardly, and Carol had to tuck her arms to her chest and to avoid her thwacks at them. “I don’t remember,” Carol said, laughing, “but I’m going to guess it’s because I love your reactions.”
And maybe because I want to kiss you, but I don’t know what reaction you'd give that.
Jess swatted her again.
“Um,” the waiter looked down at them, his expression mildly concerned. “Do you want to see the dessert menu?”
Jess flushed.
“Nah,” Carol said. “Just the check.”
Jess turned a pathetic gaze at Carol as the waiter left. “But… chocolate?”
“How about we stop for ice cream instead?”
Jess gave her a suspicious look. “You paying?”
“Obviously.” Carol grinned. “I’d be a shitty date, otherwise, right?”
A slight, confused tension crossed Jess’s face.
“And I haven’t finished thanking you for distracting me from my post mission-screw-up-blues.”
Jessica, distracted, rolled her eyes in annoyance. “That idiot. He knew you don’t remember anything, and then bang, he shows up, out of the blue, like he expects you to magically recover your memories just because you slept with him once.”
“I did?” Carol blinked, then made a face. “Urrgh.”
Jess looked at her and laughed. “Total urrgh,” she agreed.
In the park, with ice cream, Carol hooked their arms together and pulled Jess into her side. Jess struggled mildly before accepting the embrace and they walked on.
Carol was used to not knowing things by now. She didn’t know what Jess would do if she kissed her. She was pretty sure that they hadn’t done it before. But she could be wrong about that. Maybe she’d kissed her, and it had ruined their friendship, and it had taken a long time to build it back up. Maybe Jess had kissed Carol, and she’d been repressed and a homophobe and had rejected her--but she was from Boston, so that didn’t seem terribly likely. Or maybe . . . none of this was going anywhere.
Conjecture didn’t help. Facts were: Carol wanted this. She was finding it hard to watch Jess get chocolate-raspberry gelato around her mouth and not just move in and kiss it off.
Or lick it off.
Mmm.
Carol shook off the thought. And Jess, Jess looked at her sometimes in ways that were just so warm, and had a tortured bit of longing in them. Maybe it was just a little one, but she might have a chance.
And if she was wrong, well, she’d blame the amnesia. That would totally work.
“Um,” Carol said, watching Jess lick her sticky fingers. Jess looked up, still smeared with chocolate like a kid, like the kid that, according to her file, she’d never had a chance to be. “You missed a spot,” she said.
Jess looked concerned and waved her hands a little. “Where?”
“Let me.” And Carol stepped closer, cupping her face with one hand, and leaned in to kiss her. Jessica’s lips parted in surprise, but she didn’t resist, and Carol took the opportunity to lick up the chocolate from the corner of her mouth before kissing her again. Jess half melted against her and opened her mouth for her, and just gave in to it. Carol probably would have cheered if she hadn’t been distracted by the kissing.
But then she felt Jess’s hand pressing against her chest, pushing her off, and Carol stepped back, confused.
“Jess?”
“No,” Jess said. “This isn’t--you have--and I . . . shit.” Jess’s eyes widened and she stepped backwards, and then she turned and fled.
“Dammit,” Carol said to herself, still tasting the flavor of Jess’s ice cream on her tongue.
She could chase. Honestly, she could beat Jess to wherever she was going and lie in wait. But ambushing friends was not a good idea. She texted, and when there was no response, she went home and put her pillow over her head and groaned into it. If you didn’t count the ending, it had been a perfect date.
Fuck.
#
It was half past one when her perimeter alarm went off. It had been a little late, because when Carol jerked awake, there was already someone in the room, sitting on the wall and staring at a small glowing green patch.
Sitting on the wall.
“Jess?”
“You’re not a skrull?” Jess asked, sounding weak and a little helpless.
“Sorry,” Carol said. “Still just a little bit kree.”
Jess pushed her goggle-mask up her forehead and rubbed her eyes. “Why’d you kiss me?”
“Um,” Carol said. “Did I forget why I shouldn’t?”
Jess hunched into an even smaller ball on the wall. “Dunno. You never kissed me before. I never even thought… You have guys chasing you all over the place! Really good looking guys! I never thought you even considered…”
“Maybe I didn’t, before,” Carol said. “I don’t remember. But if there’s a reason not to do it now, I don’t see it. So, um, tell me why I shouldn't, or, you know.”
Jess narrowed her eyes. “You know?”
Carol sat up, pushing her hair out of her face, and gave Jess a look. “Give me a chance.”
“A chance at what?”
“At you.” Carol made a face. “Not to be cocky, but you kissed me back like I was water and you’d been stuck in the desert for a month.”
Carol took a venom blast to the face for that.
“Shut up,” Jess mumbled.
Carol narrowed her eyes. “Have you always been into me? Did I just completely fail to notice for all of the years I’ve known you?”
“I told you to—“
“Jess,” Carol said, hearing the whine in her voice. “Come on. Don’t leave me hanging.”
“Even if you’re not a skrull, I’m still not sure you’re not being mind controlled,” Jess said.
Carol huffed out a laugh. “No mindcontrol, Jess.”
“But you never– what if you—”
“Get my memories back and freak out about it?” Carol shook her head. “I don’t know. But you were the one who said I was loyal. Can’t you trust me to not ruin everything even when whatever reason I had to be totally oblivious becomes apparent?”
“No,” Jess said, looking at her knees.
She cared too much. Carol sighed and climbed out of bed. She went over to where Jess was hanging on the wall. “Come on,” she said. “Not a skrull.” And she wrapped her arms around Jess and pried her off the wall. Jess half curled into her arms and Carol carried her over to the bed. “Just relax,” she said. “You’re my Jess,” she said. “And if you don’t want to make out with me, I’ll survive.”
“I won’t,” Jess mumbled into her shoulder. “I mean, I will, but if we do this, and then, I dunno, you revert to pre-amnesia type and you hate me, I just… I don’t think I’ll recover from that.”
Carol placed her on the bed and curled up behind her, petting her hair. “If I hurt you like that, I have been replaced by a skrull. Feel free to blast me into next week.”
Jess rolled over and stared at her. She reached up, settling her hands on either side of Carol’s face, rubbing her thumbs slowly over her cheekbones. “You like me?” she mumbled.
“Yes.”
“This is a terrible idea.”
“Maybe.”
“I… okay.”
Carol went still. Jess was still staring at her, but the motion of her thumbs had stopped.
“Okay?”
Jess moved closer to her. Carol couldn’t remember ever feeling like this, like she was in zero gravity, in a spinning tube, but only her insides were going upside down, her outsides frozen, but over-sensitized, tingly and electric, as if whenever Jess made contact she’d spark - spark to fire? probably.
Jess pressed her lips against Carol’s cheek, gentle, chaste. The next kiss fell on her jawline, and Carol stayed still, even as her insides stopped flipping and started to burn. Then the corner of her lips, and she felt a light flicker of tongue brush against the sensitive skin.
And then, finally, Jess’s fingers tangled tightly into her hair, and she kissed her hard. Carol kissed back, reckless, victorious, aggressive, and Jess matched her, pulling tight into her and clinging, rolling half on top to get the better angle.
Mouths open, Carol tried to draw Jess inside. That was what this was for, wasn’t it? Kissing, sex, all it was was a desperate attempt to do the impossible, bring someone inside, melt into them until you forgot where other began and self ended. The ultimate weapon against loneliness.
Carol found the zipper on Jess’s biker jacket and got her hand inside and under the band of her bra before Jess jerked back from the brush of her thumb over her nipple. “Hey!”
“What?” Carol leered up at the woman riding her hips, her open top, mussed hair, swollen mouth. “Want to touch.”
Jess glared. “Not after one date, flyboy.”
Carol couldn’t help her laugh, her wide grin. “You won’t even let me get to first?”
“Under the bra is second.”
“Tease.”
“Shut it, or that second date is going to only exist in your head.”
Carol smiled up at her and reached up, doing a sit up to curl her hands around the back of Jess’s head and pull her in for another kiss.
#
Avenger’s tower isn’t private. Even Carol didn’t have an excuse for not knowing that. Just one encounter with Tony and his vast camera arrays had taught her better. But really, she just didn’t care. Seeing Jess draped over a couch after Carol got back from a mission, she didn’t have a choice but to wander over and giver her an upside down spider-kiss.
“Whoa.”
Jess jerked up and glared at Peter who was hanging upside down from the ceiling. “What are you doing? Are you spying?”
“Hey, hey, just passing through.” Peter did a ceiling somersault. “But this is awesome.”
“Awesome?” Carol asked. It didn’t sound like he had a prurient interest, but it was an unexpected comment.
Peter nodded. “Way to go, Drew. Aiming for the top. Spider pride!”
Jess laughed, and Peter scurried into a ventilation duct. Carol flopped onto the couch behind her and Jess laid on her lap, reaching up to walk her fingers over Carol’s face. “He’s a weirdo.”
“I’d like to think I am the top,” Carol replied, leaning over to bring their faces closer. “And spider-girls are cuter than spider-boys.”
She kissed her and Jess kissed back without hesitation.
#
“OMG, finally!” Jen, giant and green, grabbed Carol and Jess and pulled them into a hug. “I knew you two crazy kids would figure this out.”
All of this warmth made Carol wish she knew what her memoried-self had been thinking. If everyone knew that they’d be good together, why hadn’t they been together? What had been holding them back?
She really hoped it wasn’t some deep dark horrible secret that would turn around and bite her when she least expected it.
She even risked asking Emma.
Emma arched an eyebrow in an incredibly ironic look. “You want me to probe the remnants of your memories, just in case there’s some serious reason that you shouldn’t be dating a spider-girl with more issues than X-23? Darling, I know about dating human disasters. Yours isn’t even all that human. Then again, neither are you.”
This was unhelpful.
#
“Do you only love me because you feel guilty?” Jess mumbled into Carol’s shoulder as they curled together in her bed.
“For what?”
Jess sighed. “You don’t even remember it, do you? Not knowing I wasn’t me when I’d been replaced by a skrull.”
“No,” Carol said. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to the side of Jess’s head. “So I don’t really feel guilty. Love you anyway.”
“I’m such a wreck,” Jess whispered. “I can’t even…”
“You can’t trust it, can you?” Carol asked softly. “You feel like it’s going to fly away on the first gust of wind.”
Jess shut her eyes. “How do you know that? You don’t-- you’re not supposed to know me better than… her.”
“I pay attention. Maybe that’s what I failed at doing before. I was too absorbed in myself, but now, well, there’s not much of myself to be absorbed in. I’d rather focus on you.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem.” Jess gave her a weak smile and then leaned in, holding her tightly. “Love you, Carol. Friends or more, I love you. I’ll take your amnesiaed self for all you’ll give me, because you’re still you. But if you remember, and your remember why you don’t actually want me like this, I’ll still be your friend, if you’ll have me. No matter what.”
Carol wished she could know for sure that if she got her memories back, she wouldn’t somehow come up with a reason to push Jess away. But she only knew herself through her file and through other people, and memory-Carol made a lot of shitty mistakes.
But maybe, if she loved Jess hard enough, she’d dig a furrow deep enough into her heart that memory-Carol would have no choice but to keep her in there.
#
Spider business was annoying business. But Jess wasn’t going to shy away from it. So when Peter came to relieve her of her second round of Silk-babysitting-duties, she was surprised. “I’m fine. I can watch her for a few more days.”
“Yeah,” Peter said hesitantly. “Your girlfriend wants to see you.”
Jess went still. He didn’t sound happy about that. And he’d been off on Avengers business, with Carol. “Peter,” Jess said carefully. “Did something happen? Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She’s fine. Better than fine. She just… she needs to see you.”
Jess didn’t like the sound of that. She hurried.
“Jess!”
Jess spotted Carol, sitting up on a cot with Hank running tests beside her. She panted up. “Are you okay?”
Carol was staring at her, eyes wide and intense. “Jess,” Carol said again. “I’m so sorry.”
Jess froze. The little crack in the voice, the intensity, the way she didn’t immediately reach out to embrace her… “You got your memories back.”
“Yeah.”
It was over. Jess took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll stay out of your way for a while, yeah? It’ll be easier like that.”
Jess leapt out of the open window and glided away.
“Wait! Jess!” Carol lurched after her but Hank grabbed her before she popped her IV line.
“Hey now, gotta stay until I finish the tests.”
“But Jess…” Carol felt her eyes start to burn. “What do I do?”
“Jess is giving you space to figure that out. So figure it out.”
Carol didn’t get it. How could she have spent her entire life not seeing Jess as anything other than her best friend, and then, with one bout of amnesia, fall into bed with her like it was what she’d always wanted. Her memories didn’t match up. They didn’t make sense.
She’d always loved Jess, admired her, because no matter how much she saw herself as broken or messed up or a complete wreck, she was beautiful and strong and had overcome so much to become who she was.
Jess had always been vulnerable, though. And maybe that was why Carol had been careful with her. She needed care and protection and love, but she needed it to be steady. Carol wasn’t steady, especially in the romance department. She wouldn’t be good for Jess.
She hadn’t been good for Jess.
Jess needed someone who was always there, who she could come home to and rely on. You could rely on friends. Love, though, love was magic, and magic dissipated in the light of day, or whenever you least expected it, or when it was the most inconvenient.
At least that had always been Carol’s experience.
Jess was beautiful, cuddleable, terribly sexy, and it wasn’t like that was a surprise. But Carol had never mentioned it, never commented on it. Flattery made Jess uncomfortable, especially if it wasn’t clear what the flatterer wanted to get out of it. So Carol bit her tongue.
Amnesia-Carol had forgotten to bite her tongue. She’d been a little flirt. Carol scowled and wanted to smack herself. Jess was important, way too important to mess with, and add Carol’s commitment issues to.
But forgetting it… she was never going to forget the way Jess’s skin tasted, the way her breath hitched when Carol sucked on her pulse point, the way Jess’s eyes locked with hers in the night, challenging and yet begging.
#
“I want to be friends again.”
Jess stared down into her tea and shook her head lightly. “We never weren’t friends. I’m just embarrassed, that now you know that I’ve thought of you--.”
“Hey!” Carol put up a hand. “You can’t be embarrassed. Clearly it was mutual. My memories of the time of having no memories are… strange. But man, I was a horny little beggar and it was all about you.”
Jess looked up, the light flush in her cheeks draining out. “You’re saying that you feel that way. That you have always thought of me like that?”
“No!” Carol protested, and then grimaced. “I mean, it’s always been there, attraction as well as affection. I just never let it… bubble up like that before.”
“Because you don’t want to try to make it work.”
“I don’t-- I don’t think it’s a good idea. We’re both complicated people. I feel like… I’m not steady enough to be the person you can rely on like that.”
Jess’s lips quirked up on one side in an expression that looked a little too much like self-loathing. “I’m too needy. That’s what you’re saying. Now that you remember all my shit as well as yours, you don’t want to deal with it.”
“No! I just don’t want to hurt you more than I have already!”
“So you’re saying that you’ll hurt me less as just friends? I know what that means. That doesn’t mean we go back to the way it was before. Because, guess what, we weren’t just friends. We were best friends. I trusted you with everything. I trusted you more than Clint or Peter or any of the idiots I’ve taken home for a night. And if you’re saying ‘just friends’ that means you don’t want that anymore. You don’t want the intimacy that made us work. And we worked, Carol. So fine. You don’t want to be with me, I don’t care. If you just said you aren’t attracted to me and don’t want the sex, I’d get over it. That’s not what’s important here. But if you don’t trust yourself to care enough about me to keep up our friendship, our real friendship, that’s all I need to know. Time to cut my losses, right?”
And Jess walked out.
#
"Babe," Jen said, shaking her head. "I always thought Jess was the fuck-up, but you, honey, have taken the cake."
Carol glowered. "I'm making decisions. I am rational and clearheaded."
Jen laughed. "Rational and clearheaded are not words that I would ever use to describe you. Jess either. But at least she knows that she lets her feelings get in her way. I'm kind of thinking you haven't figured that part out yet."
"I'm not letting my feelings get in the way. That's the whole point. If I was just going to smear my feelings all over my life I would--" Carol felt sick.
"You'd be in bed with your girlfriend instead of drowning your sorrows with me." Jen shook her head. "Anyways, that's not what I meant. Remove feelings, put in 'baggage.'"
Carol sighed. "It's not baggage. It's just sensible. I know who I am, and you do too. I don't look for things that are heavier than flirting and hookups. I'm lowkey. That's how it is. I never got those guys who were like, 'hey girl, I'm in the Air Force, and I might die in a month, how about we get married real quick just to fuck up your life more when I'm gone."
"Carol . . ." Jen was giving her a concerned look. "Why can't this just be lowkey? Jess knows you, and her life is not hugely different from yours. She's not a teen mom who's going to go off the rails if you die. Just have fun. You guys always had a lot of fun before. Why should sleeping together make a difference?"
"Because it's Jess!"
Shulkie raised an eyebrow, and then sighed and finished her drink in one chug. "Feelings."
#
"God, I hate being around Avengers."
Carol looked up, finding Emma Frost staring down at her.
"At my school we teach everyone to at least make an attempt at shielding. It's not like I want to go around picking up your every stray thought."
Carol crossed her arms and glared. "You didn't help at all when I asked."
Emma smiled tightly. "You asked the wrong questions. And honestly, this is pathetic. There is one simple rule to relationships, which I have developed over many years of experience and casual mental eavesdropping. If you have something good, don't try to fix it."
"Look, when I didn't remember anything, I didn't have any problems with being with Jess, because she was all I had. But real-me has obligations and responsibilities, and real-me makes mistakes, and I can't just put her on a line while I go off and do that shit and expect her to love me when I get back."
"Why not?" Emma said flatly. "You're both adults. You both have lives and callings. Just because this stupid era prioritizes romantic attachment and romantic sacrifice over everything else does not mean that you can't respect each other's choices. And yes, these things will conflict. Perhaps she will need you while you are off saving the world. Perhaps you will need to make it up to her with extra affection and sex afterwards. But having a lover is not the same as having a child. If you think of her as a child who needs minding and care and delicate handling, then she's better off without you."
"I don't-- she's strong--"
"Think if she were only human," Emma said, a hard tension in her voice. "Think if she put her life at risk every day without any extra strength or power to keep her alive. Now try to respect her choices and treat her like an adult."
Carol hesitated, suddenly unsure if this was about her at all. But it was a thought. Jess could handle herself. She was awesome at handling herself. Until everyone abandoned her and she went off the deep end. But Carol not seeing her didn't make her less likely to go off. In fact, it was the opposite.
And honestly, not seeing her was making Carol feel like she was the one set to go off.
#
“Oh look. Skrull.”
Jess took a fist to the face and flew back, slamming into the wall. She didn’t slide down it, but hung limply from it, and the skrull, who had been disguised as Hammerhead, strode toward her, bringing his heavy weapon up.
“Spiders are for swatting,” he grunted, and swung and Jess was diving and rolling between his legs, coming up to plant both hands on his shoulders and blast.
He crumpled.
Carol floated down and landed on the other side of his body. Jess looked up, wiping the blood from her chin, and flinched.
“Want me to call it in?” Carol asked.
Jess shrugged. “Whatever.” She made a face, and then winced when it opened the wound in her mouth even more. “This isn’t what it looks like,” she said, then rolled her eyes at the words that had come out of her own mouth. “Total accident. No more skrull bounty hunting for me.”
Carol nodded, and pressed the cleanup button on her phone. They’d stick around until the Stark mop-it-up-men showed. The skrull made a groaning sound and moved slightly. Carol stepped firmly on his neck until something crunched and he slumped back down.
“Do you need medical?” Carol asked. She wanted to go over and have a look for herself, because the swelling that had started on Jess’s face looked bad enough to make her want to hoist Jess over her shoulder and fly her off to Hank.
“Nah.” Jess touched her bleeding lip and grimaced. “I have an ice pack at home.”
This was awkward. Unpleasantly so. They stood in silence.
“Look,” Jess said, “I can wait for Tony’s guys on my own. I don’t need you to hang around.”
Carol frowned and stepped on the skrull again for good measure. “I’m not leaving,” she said.
Jess slumped slightly and she looked more tired and injured than before. She limped over to her motorbike and picked it up, then grimaced at the bashed in piping on the sides. “Think Tony can clean this up too?”
“If you want a bike that can fly.”
Jess glanced over, offering the first slight smile since Carol had gotten her memories back. “Sounds like fun.”
“Have him make it rocket capable and we can go bust up aliens in space together.”
Jess stiffened sharply and gave her a look that was all torn up insides and anguish. Carol was grateful for the noisy arrival of the mop-men.
“Need a lift home?” she offered as the mop-men carted off the skrull and Jess’s bike.
Jess sighed and let her eyes drift over Carol, clearly inspecting where Carol would have to pull her in to carry her any distance. Carol wished she would say yes. It wouldn’t fix the emotional distance and coldness, but at least having Jess bundled to her chest, in her arms, would do something about the physical part.
“It’s not far. I can walk.”
Carol nodded. Then, as Jess took a step and nearly fell as her battered ankle gave out, she caught her and lifted her up. Jess looked up at her and sighed. “Fine,” she said. “But no… emotional talk. I want my icepack first.”
Carol took the permission and scooped her up. Jess looped her arms around her neck and leaned into her shoulder. Carol couldn’t help smelling her shampoo and the sweat on her skin. She hated her amnesiac self for having so little baggage that she’d let herself have this all the time, have Jess.
Absently, she pressed a light kiss against the side of Jess’s head before lifting off. Jess sighed and slumped even deeper into her arms. “Carol,” she mumbled. “Please.”
“Shh,” Carol said. “No emotional talk.”
She set her down outside the door to her apartment and let Jess unlock it. She opened it, then turned back to look at Carol. “Come on.”
Kitchen was the first stop, where Jess took painkillers and grabbed an icepack out of the fridge. Then she put on the water for tea and leaned against the counter, pressing the icepack against her face.
“What are you doing here?” Jess asked.
Carol shrugged. “Wanted to see you.”
“Why?” Jess sighed. “Nothing changed, right? You’re still all full of memories and still not into my disaster.”
Carol’s mouth tensed. “Don’t say that stuff.”
“It’s true, though, isn’t it?” Jess glared. “I’m a wreck. And you don’t want any part of it.”
“That is not true.” Carol slammed her hand down on the counter and it went though into a drawer.
Jess stared at it. Carol stared at it.
“Um,” Carol said. “Sorry. I really didn’t mean to do that.”
Jess shook her head. “There was a bit of rot there. Not your fault, exactly.”
Carol extracted her hand and shook off the damp wood flakes. “But what you said isn’t true. It isn’t about you.”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” The water boiled and Jess poured it into cups.
“Jess,” Carol felt like she was begging, and she hated this. “When I said I don’t want to hurt you, I meant it. And I didn’t mean that you’re vulnerable, or too easy to hurt. I’m just scared.”
“What are you scared of?” Jess rolled her eyes. “You’ve never been scared of anything in your life.”
“I’m scared I’ll let you down. I’ve let you down so many times before.”
Jess finally looked at her, holding her mug tightly to her chest. “Carol…”
“Haven’t I? I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I didn’t even realize you’d been replaced by a skrull. I didn’t find you when you were in a self-destructive spiral until it was almost too late. I left you to go and fuck around in space, and I gave up my memories of you because I couldn't accept my own limitations. All I do is let you down. I don’t want you to love me because I don’t want to be able to hurt you more than I already do.”
“You come back, though.”
Carol looked at Jess, at her intense gaze. She couldn’t help dropping to her pretty lips, swollen and a little bloody from the punch she’d taken earlier. She wanted to kiss her, gently, and apply the ice pack, which was sitting abandoned on the counter.
“I’ve felt… a lot for you for a long time. And yeah, you leave, you let me down, but you come back. You care. You come when I call. You come when I don’t call. So, you know, I’m fine if we’re friends. I love your friendship. I rely on it. But if you’re scared that you’ll hurt me worse by being my lover and doing the same things as when you and I were best friends, no. Best friends isn’t less. It’s the most intimate relationship I’ve had with anyone, and that includes all of the people I’ve slept with. You already can hurt me more than anyone else. And if… if you say just friends and use that as an excuse to pull away from me, that’s the worst way this could end.”
“So what’s with the avoiding me?” Carol asked.
“Because this is humiliating! And… if I reject you first maybe it won’t hurt as much when you reject me.”
“I’m not going to reject you.”
Jess blinked. “What?”
“I’m not going to pull away. And I’m not going to let you pull away either. I’ll fuck up. We both know that. But I love you. So…” Carol reached out and took the mug away from Jess, setting it on the counter. Then she took both of Jess’s hands. “Can we try again? I’m willing to go back to the beginning. Dating, coffee, anything.”
Jess looked at their clasped hands and then looked up at Carol’s face. “Anything?”
“I’ll take whatever you give me.”
Jess took a long deep breath and then stepped close to her, leaning into her, and Carol wrapped her arms around her. Jess held her back, pressing her cheek against her shoulder. “Cuddles and Dog Cops?” she suggested. “I need comfort until the Vicodin kicks in.”
Carol scooped her up in one arm and grabbed the tea in her other hand. “Cuddles and Dog Cops it is.”
At two am with Jess a sleepy warmth in her lap, Carol’s fingers tangling gently through her hair, she wondered if this was what she'd wanted all along. Maybe she would head out into space again, or Jess would end up traveling through alternate universes again, but returning to her was coming home. It always had been. And since it had been one of the few things to remain clear to her even when she couldn’t even remember her own name, well, she probably wasn’t about to forget it any time soon.
###