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It was early for Armand but late for Daniel when they finally settled into bed. They had gone to a late night showing at a gallery where they had laughed at the photos from the late seventies and reminisced about the places they recognized before running around the West Village until the last of the stars were almost gone from the sky. It had felt easy and natural the way Daniel’s hand had fit so neatly into his and Armand had almost forgotten the painful years between them. How many times had he resigned himself to the knowledge he would never know this again? He brushed his fingers through his lover's hair and felt Daniel instinctively lean against him, seeking the comfort of his touch. Allowing his eyes to close he listened to the sound of Daniel’s heart, the most precious sound in the world.
“If I had died?” Daniel said, his voice was heavy with sleep and his eyes half closed. Despite the fact he was no longer a newborn he felt the call of the sunrise earlier than Armand. Armand loved the quiet moments they lay entwined together before dawn claimed his lover’s consciousness. He loved the heaviness of Daniel’s limbs on his, the weight of his body against his chest. It was a peace he had not known in life or death and one he had thought lost to him for many long years.
“Yes beloved?” Armand prompted, trailing his fingertip over Daniel’s delicate eyelashes.
“Would you have remembered me?”
“Daniel.” Armand said carefully as he clutched Daniel’s arm possessively to his chest. As though he could have ever forgotten anything about Daniel. “What kind of question is that?”
Before Armand could say anything else Daniel squeezed his hand. “I don’t know.” He said. “I just wonder sometimes if I would have mattered.” He sighed as he tried to keep from being pulled under. “I know it’s silly.”
Armand couldn’t remember the last time he felt so perplexed. How could Daniel not know how valued he was? After all they had gone through the realization that he still had such doubts felt like finding a wound he had thought healed still festering under smooth skin. Armand opened his mouth to answer but Daniel was already asleep. Gently he traced his fingers across Daniel’s pale throat and for not the first time cursed the veil of silence between them. If he couldn’t make Daniel understand as a mortal when he could read his lover's thoughts as clearly as his own, how would he make him see now?
His thoughts took a dark turn. Would Daniel leave him again? Was he not happy with his life here at Trinity Gate? Would he run away again and find himself in danger with no way for Armand to find him? He felt his undead heart seize with panic and fear as he thought back on the night he had just spent with Daniel. Had he misread his fledgling so badly?
The darkness that descended offered no comfort and Armand curled himself more tightly around Daniel and pressed his face into the space between his neck and shoulder. If he lost Daniel again he did not think he could ever recover. He would have to find a way to make his beloved understand.
__________________
“You never cared about me!” Daniel was shaking and it was unclear whether it was from his anger or the alcohol that Armand could smell curdling in his veins. There was a broken bottle of something potent on the floor and heavy curtains blocked the view of the glittering Miami shore. “I don’t mean anything to you!”
“You are being ridiculous Daniel!” Armand spat back. He adjusted his sleeves to avoid meeting his violet eyes. “I give you everything!”
“You only give me what you want to give me.” Daniel yelled, shoving shirts in his worn backpack. “I will never be your equal!”
“No.” Armand hissed cruelly. “Leave. Go ahead and see what you are missing. I know you’ll be back. If you don’t kill yourself with liquor first.”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you.” Daniel had tears in his eyes as he threw the half packed backpack at Armand’s feet. “I wouldn’t be your problem anymore.”
The door slammed and Armand was alone. He walked to where Daniel had been packing, his clothing strewn across the bed. Without thinking he reached to pick up one of Daniel’s worn flannel shifts and clutched it to his face, breathing in the salt and smoke.
It had been foolish to think he could be anything than what he was, a creature who ruined everything they touched. He had always been alone. He had been a fool to think otherwise.
_____________________
Armand left Daniel sleeping when he woke but tucked the blankets around his sleeping lover like a cocoon. With a pale hand he brushed Daniel’s unruly hair back from his face and pressed his lips to his forehead. The dream had left a rotten feeling in his chest and he was eager to be rid of it. He had never entirely known what to do with his own feelings. Thankfully, he knew someone who often did.
As Armand dressed he tried to push his worry from his mind. It wasn’t helpful to ruminate on something when he had barely had time to come up with an answer. Instead he focused on the feel of the silk against his skin, the soft cashmere of his socks. Sensation grounded him and by the time he closed the bedroom door behind him he felt ready to seek out Louis.
The halls were dark and quiet as he made his way to the library. He could sense Louis’s thoughts, calm and quiet and not for the first time he wondered how his gentle companion had kept the ability to forgive and trust that was beyond most of their kind. When he had first met Louis, he hadn’t understood it. He had thought it was something he could possess. Daniel had taught him otherwise with his mortal disregard for Armand’s centuries old notions about love and Armand was grateful that he had had a second chance to make things right with Louis. That he had come to know his love was not a thing to own, but something freely given. If anyone could help him understand Daniel it would be Louis.
When Louis heard him enter the library he looked up and smiled. Pale shadows danced across the floor as a breeze stirred the trees outside the window when Armand crossed the room. Louis carefully marked the page he was reading with a ribbon and closed the book, setting it down to reach his hand out to Armand. Armand caught his hand and pulled him to his feet, wrapping his arms around him before he even realized what he was doing. While not as tall as Daniel, Louis’s height made it easy for Armand to lean his head against his shoulder. He stayed there listening to the sound of Louis’s heartbeat until Louis gently led him back to the cushioned bench he had been sitting on.
“What troubles you?” Louis asked gently. Squeezing his hand gratefully Armand once again marveled at his tender, patient Louis. It was something he could never understand, how someone could always know the right thing to say. How easily Louis could read and understand him, despite his lack of strength in the mind gift.
Armand gathered his thoughts. “Something Daniel said.”
Louis furrowed his brow. “Did you have a disagreement?”
“No.” Armand said, looking down to study the pattern of the parquet floor. “Not that.” He sighed, a mortal habit picked up from Daniel. “I wish I could understand him better.”
“Would you tell me what happened?” Louis said softly.
Armand shook his head. “He asked me if I would have remembered him if he had died. How could he think that? How could he not know? I broke my vow for him, the vow I made to myself that I would never make another. He knows this. How could he think I wouldn’t remember him?”
Louis paused. “Did you tell him?”
“Not in so many words.” Armand answered. “I did not think I needed to. I love him. He has to know that?”
Tension coiled inside him and for a moment he felt lost in himself again until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and the press of a kiss against his hair. “It makes me glad to hear you say that.” Louis said.
“What?” Armand said curtly. “That he doesn’t know how I feel? How does that make you glad?”
“No.” Louis said, wise Louis who knew more about love than anyone, who wasn’t reactive like the rest of them. “To hear you say you love him. For someone who guards their heart so carefully I know that isn’t always easy for you to say. You’ve grown.”
“Have I really?” Armand said bitterly. “Sometimes I still feel I am the specter from the catacombs of Paris haunting the steps of everyone I claim to care about until I siphon away their joy.”
Louis shook his head. “I have known you for many years, my cherished one. Do you think that you are the only one who has felt like a curse to those they love? That pain is a part of you still, but it does not own you like it did before. Do you not see how beloved you are?”
Through the window Armand could see the stars begin to come out. “You make it seem so easy.”
“I’m glad it isn’t easy.” Louis answered. “I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do if it were easy. When I think of Claudia...” He paused for a moment, despite the years Armand knew it was still difficult for Louis to speak of Claudia and he felt the old pang of guilt. “When I think of her I wish I could have been what she needed. I will never not regret that. But I also believe she would want me to find what happiness I can. Your Daniel would not want you to suffer, even when you were apart he would not have wanted that.”
Once, very long ago Amadeo could have believed him. Life had been simpler then. But if Louis could believe this, Louis who had known his own terrible pain, would it be so hard for him to try?
Could he give himself permission to try?
“Daniel loves you.” Louis smiled softly. “You don’t have to be able to read his thoughts to know that. He follows your steps like a duckling and looks at you like he’s worried of doing something wrong and disappointing you. And you look at him like he’s the most precious thing you’ve ever seen.” Louis paused. “But if I may speak frankly.”
“Please.” Armand said. “You know you may always do so with me.”
Nodding Louis continued. “The two of you relied on the fact you could read his thoughts for so many years, for better or worse. I think you are both still grieving this. But the way we show love without words is a language of its own. One I think you are both still learning. If you want to tell Daniel how valuable he is to you then you have to show him.”
Show him. It was such a simple answer and yet something in him knew it was the right one. But how would he show him? “I am grateful to you, my paramour.” Armand said. “You are so young and yet somehow wiser than all of us. But I confess I don’t know how to show him.”
“You will find a way.” Louis said simply. “It was the same for me and Lestat. The difference is that the time I knew him as a mortal was so brief, but it took me many years to learn how to understand the way he shows his affection.”
“I’m glad someone understands him.” Armand grumbled. “He’s incalculable, your maker.”
This time Louis’s laugh was sharp and clear. “The two of you are similar, you know.”
“I did not know you to stoop to petty insults.” Armand said.
“Both of you fear rejection so you do the leaving first.” Louis answered simply. “It’s hard for you to accept that love can be so easily given, that someone might offer forgiveness without some hidden intention. But do not worry, even beings as old as you can learn new lessons.”
“Where did this petulance come from?” Armand said with a hint of mirth. “It was not there in Paris.”
Louis huffed. “One can only spend so much time with you and Lestat before something rubs off. But do not worry, I remain your faithful confidant.” He reached for his discarded book. “And knowing you as I do, I am certain that you will find your answer.”
There was comfort in Louis’s truth, that despite hurt and misunderstanding there could be a way forward. It would be easy to go backwards, to nest in the hurt and loneliness that came so easily to him. But then there was Daniel at the door, wearing the clothes he had bought for him, perfect and brilliant. His broken vow, the one thing in the world he had been unable to let go of in all the losses of his life. He had lost him once, he was not willing to let go again.
__________________________________
The fluorescent light of the cabin was normally a comfort. Armand had loved flying from the first moment he’d stepped on a plane. With Daniel’s hand in his he had thrown himself into the wonders of the modern world and all the pleasures it offered. His kind changed so little but mortals with their lives that burned like a flame before the years snuffed them out were the epitome of change. They changed opinions and ideas like one might change their shoes and had been a marvel to Armand. No one more a wonder than the mortal reporter who had brought back to life the passion for life he had thought long dead and buried.
The fluorescent light of the cabin was normally a comfort but in this moment was nothing but pain. Because the bright artificial light brought to focus the ruin that was his mortal lover, a life days from burning out. All the light did was highlight the dark shadows under his eyes, the pale skin, the atrophied muscle, never mind the sickness he could smell in his blood. At least Daniel was finally sleeping, lulled by the drone of the plane but Armand was in agony.
His body seemed to move of its own accord as he filled a basin with warm soapy water, carrying it, towels, and a soft cloth to where Daniel rested. With a gentleness that had once been beyond him he cut Daniel’s ruined clothes from his body and washed the dirt and grime from his skin and hair. Each movement felt like an eternity as his eyes took in each bruise, every bone more pronounced than it should be. He carefully clipped each fingernail into the perfect shape, scraping away the dead skin of his cuticles. He had not fully accepted what he was going to do but this part was easy, a humorless parody of all the times he had washed and dressed a groggy Daniel before spiriting him away to an opera or party. Finally he brushed his fingers against the stubble of his jaw before carefully shaving it smooth one last time. When at last Daniel’s body was clean and dry, his hair damp but sweet smelling, he dressed him in warm pajamas and carried him to the narrow bed, covering his frail body with a heavy blanket. If only he could keep him safe in this moment forever.
When at last this was done Armand sat with his head in his hands.
Andrei had known pain. He had been taken and abused, torn away from everything he had thought was good and pure. Amadeo had known pain. He had been given beauty and laughter only to have it ripped away and been cast down into a hell beyond his imagining. But the pain Armand felt now dwarfed what Andrei and Amadeo had felt. This was a pain of his own making. Here was his failure, his selfishness manifested in the dying body of the one he had loved the most.
He should have let Daniel go after keeping him for those three days, after he had looked for any sign of his involvement with the Talamasca and found nothing. After he had listened to the tapes and known what was in Louis’s wounded heart. Once sufficiently weakened it wouldn’t have been difficult to make him believe his entire experience with vampires had been nothing but the result of the drugs he had taken. He might have wondered his whole life what had really happened but he might not have gone mad.
Or he could have given him a quick and easy death, let him know the ecstasy of his final embrace. It could have been simple and clean, a life snuffed out before the world had a chance to ruin it. He should have never let him out of the cellar. Why had he not killed him then? Or at some point during their chase, before Armand had come to love him. He should have kept him from the drink and drugs that rotted his insides. He should have dropped him off at a drug rehabilitation center and never come back. He should have found a way to remove all memories of him from Daniel’s mind. Left him to live his one mortal life in peace.
All of this was nothing but an exercise in futility, he was after all a selfish thing. There had been no other outcome than this. He had wanted Daniel, loved him in his fiercely possessive way, smothered him and ruined him. And now he would curse him and Daniel would hate him as all came to hate their makers. Because finally he knew he was too weak to let him go.
He was coiled like a snake, ready to strike out with his pain. Everything might end tonight at Leatat’s concert no matter what choice he made but there was no worthwhile eternity without Daniel. He stood and came to kneel by Daniel’s sleeping form, pressing a kiss to his warm brow.
For him he would break his vow.
______________________
Armand bent forward to read the alert on his phone and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Lestat was texting him. What could it possibly be about? Was it about Louis? Lestat was constantly trying to get Louis to come to France but Louis kept deferring, telling him he wasn’t yet ready to Lestat’s chagrin. Personally, Armand thought Lestat could benefit from someone playing hard to get but he wasn’t really in the mood to deal with Lestat’s personal drama right now. Still, he was too curious not to unlock the phone and read the text.
Your fledgling texted me that he was worried about you. You haven't done anything stupid have you?
Oh.
Daniel was worried about him? Why? Had he been acting differently? And why had Daniel reached out to Lestat of all people? He knew that they were friends, that Daniel’s puppy-like adoration of Lestat had morphed into a casual respect for each other but it was still confusing. Daniel and Louis spent a lot of time together, they could talk about books for hours and Armand knew Daniel found Louis’s presence calming, so it made more sense for Daniel to talk to Louis. Before his thinking could get too far away from him Armand had to admit to himself that Daniel might have already talked to Louis. But the question still stood. Why Lestat?
He texted back a quick reply.
Nothing worse than anything you would do. What did he say?
Armand sighed, expecting some snarky reply. Daniel often said that he and Lestat had more sexual tension between them than a BDSM convention and while he was probably right it wasn’t something that was going to get resolved over a text message.
He said you seemed sad. I told him not to worry, his maker wasn’t capable of complex emotions anyways. Armand smirked. But I recommended a change of scenery. You and your little family have yet to visit me here and I’m getting rather annoyed. You have your own rooms here and everything. I’ll even let you decorate yours.
Realization dawned on him so suddenly that for a moment he was disoriented as he looked down at Lestat’s text. Without knowing it, Lestat’s words had led him right to the obvious answer.
Perhaps you are correct (don’t let that go to your already inflated ego). I will make plans to inspect your court and will let you know when to expect us.
Maybe when they saw each other they could start to work out what this thing was between them but for now Armand’s attention lay elsewhere. He had a trip of a much more personal nature to make.
_____________________________
“Hi.” Daniel’s voice was quiet on the phone and for a moment all Armand could do was grip the phone and try to keep the blood tears in his eyes from spilling down his face.
“Hi.” He said tentatively as he scratched the table with enough force to leave marks on the wood. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.” Daniel said. “Rio is nice. I think you would like it. It’s a little like Miami.”
“What do you like about it?” Armand said, desperate to keep him talking. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Daniel in Rio. Daniel well enough to talk to him. (Only a short call, Marius had said, His mind is still fragile but he is lucid for longer periods of time).
“The ocean is pretty great. And the stars. I like to go for walks.”
“I’m glad.” Armand said as his nailed made another gash in the table. “I’m glad you like it there.”
“Yeah.” Daniel said. “I still get a little lost sometimes.” He was quiet for so long that for a moment Armand was afraid he had left. “But Marius says I’m getting better.”
“That’s good.” Armand said. “I’m happy you are taking care of yourself. And you're taking care of Marius?”
This time he was rewarded with Daniel’s laugh, so familiar it made his heart hurt. “Yeah. I tell him he’s gonna get arrested if he keeps painting on public property.”
“That sounds like Marius. I trust you will bail him out.” Armand said with the ghost of a smile. “You will tell me if you need anything.”
“Okay, yeah.” Daniel said, a little stilted. “Marius is waving at me so I think I have to go. You’ll call again?”
“Yes.” Armand said, grateful that no one could see the streaks of blood on his face as the tears kept coming. “I will.”
“Okay.” Daniel said. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye Daniel.” Armand managed. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
He set the phone back on its hook with forced care and leaned back against his chair. He was fine. Daniel was going to be fine. It was all fine.
The sound the phone made when he threw it across the room with enough force that it shattered the window was almost enough to drown out his cry of pain.
Whatever, Daniel would say, Who needs a phone anyways?
He had never felt so far away.
_____________________________
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Daniel said as they crossed 20th street. Armand stopped to look in a store window and Daniel took his hand. “Hey.”
Armand turned to face him and took his other hand. He was beautiful in the streetlights. “Hey yourself.”
“Are you okay Armand?” Daniel said carefully. “I’m worried about you. What are we doing?”
Armand replied by pulling down on Daniel’s shoulders so he was forced to bend forward and kissed the side of his mouth. Daniel blushed like he always did when Armand was affectionate in public and the sight made Armand feel warm in his fingertips. “It’s better if I show you.”
“Okay.” Daniel said, resigned to whatever adventure Armand had planned. “But you will tell me what this is about?”
“Yes Beloved.” Armand said, lacing Daniel’s fingers with his and pulling him down the street. “It will make sense, I promise.”
They wandered through dark streets until they stood in an alley that Daniel found vaguely familiar. The building was old but the bottom floor looked like it had been recently renovated and young people spilled into the street from the bar, the sound of music and laughter mixing with the warmth of so many bodies pushed together. Armand headed towards a precarious looking fire escape on the side of the building and climbed up the stairs, reaching down to help Daniel up more out of habit than any real need. Silently Daniel followed Armand up the iron stairs until they reached a window on the top floor that was locked from the outside. It was only when Armand carefully took the key from his pocket to unlock the window that Daniel realized where they were.
“This is…” He said.
“Wait.” Armand said. “Don’t say anything yet.”
They stepped through the window and Armand turned to watch Daniel’s face. More than anything he wanted Daniel to understand.
“This is the first place we lived together in the city.” Daniel said, his voice filled with wonder. “I feel like I’m stepping back in time.” He stepped further into the apartment. “My books from San Francisco are here. And my notes from my interviews...”
“Yes.” Armand said quietly.
“Armand.” Daniel said as he peered into the bedroom. “You kept all of this? You must have done this long before…”
“Yes.” He answered, he felt something splinter in his chest. “Do you understand? I could never forget you.”
He felt the weight of Daniel’s arms embrace him. “It never gets old to me.” He said. “We’re the same temperature now. You never feel cold.” He dropped his arms to take off his coat, exposing his pale neck before reaching for Armand’s hands again. “Please. I want to show you something.”
Armand seized his fledgling’s shoulders and pushed him against the couch, fangs piercing his neck as Daniel’s blood (his blood), sweeter than any others spilled into his mouth. The experience of Daniel overwhelmed him. He saw the night they had spent together, laughing and running through the streets, felt Daniel’s fear of never being enough, his regret as he tried to figure out why Armand was acting distant. He saw himself as Daniel saw him, a luminous being who captivated him like no other. The way nothing made him feel home like being in his arms.
When they broke apart Armand brought his wrist to Daniel’s mouth and savored the brief pain of the bite followed by its pleasure. He sent images of Daniel as a mortal as they wandered the world, the feelings of loss he felt when they were separated, his joy at their reunion and fear he would make the same mistakes again, the way he knew every detail of Daniel’s eyes, the exact way he scrunched his eyebrows when he was concentrating. When Daniel released his wrist there were tears in his eyes.
“I could never forget you Daniel.” Armand said again. “There will never be another who could ever capture me like you have.”
“I’m sorry.” Daniel said. “Sorry for making you think you had to prove it to me. It’s just hard sometimes. But I want you to know you can talk to me if you feel like I’m not meeting your needs either.”
“I know.” Armand said. “Someone wise reminded me that just because I can’t hear your thoughts doesn’t mean we can’t understand each other.” Strange how possible it seemed now, that there was a language they could learn together.
“Louis.” Daniel said knowingly.
“Well we know it wasn’t Lestat.” Armand answered dryly.
Daniel laughed. “He does really care, you know. Eventually you two will figure it out.”
Yes. Eternity was a long time and they would find a way to navigate and nurture what was there. All of them would.
“He wants us to go to France.” Armand hummed, resting his hand on Daniel’s thigh and earning his sudden inhale, the speeding up of his heart. His beautiful boy had been so responsive to his touch as a mortal and was no less so as an immortal, despite the obvious changes to his body. While it was true they didn’t feel arousal the same way as a mortal, his desire for his lover was no less powerful. “I think it’s a good idea.” His other hand came to rest in Daniel’s hair and he gripped a handful, pulling him gently towards him before pinning him against the back of the couch. “Maybe we can give him a lesson in non verbal communication?”
When they kissed it was electric. Nothing mattered but the space, or lack of space between them. Daniel’s hand against his low back, his hand in Daniel’s hair, the way he still smelled a little like cigarette smoke and laundry detergent. Despite their difference in size Daniel always fit so perfectly against him, the most unlikely match the universe could have found and yet more precious for it.
Maybe Louis was right. Perhaps he had changed and wasn’t it strange that that had been the thing he had most wanted in the first place. That only after gaining and losing love and then finding it again had he found the change in himself he had wanted all along. Perhaps we only change when we allow ourselves to?
If he had learned anything it was this, never again would he let Daniel go. He felt overwhelmed by the love he felt.
Well, his wise Daniel would probably say, What’s a heart for if you don’t use it?