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“Was there something you wanted to share?” As Alison spoke, it felt to the Captain as if she was staring into his very soul; furthermore, that everybody in the room was doing the same. He did not operate well under such conditions- that was more Thomas’ territory.
“Well, well, um…” he started, his heart beginning to vigorously pump blood that no longer needed pumping. Allison smiled kindly at him, her expression willing him to continue, “I’m uh… I’m,”
It would be so simple to just say it. It’s just a word after all, homosexual. But the idea of admitting to such aloud felt paralyzing. The world had changed since his time, he knew that much, but he also knew that the company he was surrounded with were not of this new world. Lady Button especially is not one to hide her antiquated beliefs. If their opinions of him were to sour, there would be absolutely nothing he could do to escape their line of fire. Certainly it is the wise decision to just leave well enough alone.
Unless…
Unless this would relieve him of that weight that feels strapped to his back at all times, like a rucksack. It won’t bring him back, but perhaps it could be the next best thing to it. And maybe even there would be somebody who would be willing to listen to him. Somebody who could comfort the pain he’s been feeling since his lieutenant walked out the front gates nearly eighty years ago.
He swallows, straightening his posture and gripping his swagger stick so tightly his knuckles go white. The silence in the room is deafening. He takes a deep, shaky breath, and-
“Just spit it ooouuut already, we all already know you’re-“ says Julien impatiently before the Captain has a chance to speak.
“Julien!” admonishes Alison, quickly redirecting her attention back to the Captain with that same soft expression, “You don’t have to say anything if you aren't ready, but we are listening if you are.”
The Captain nods tightly, trying to process what Julien was implying. Was he trying to suggest they all were all already aware of his deepest secret? Surely that couldn’t be it. But if so, then there’s no reason not to just say it. He just needs to say three words. Three words.
“I’m- I’m a homosexual.” He speaks the admission so quietly that, if he was his own commanding officer, he would demand he speak up. The volume doesn’t seem to matter, as he can feel everybody processing what was said around him. His fight-or-flight activates, and he prepares to launch from his chair at the drop of a hat. For the moment though, he was frozen. Alison was the first to speak.
“I’m so proud of you. That must have been really hard to share. And I, for one, think that’s great!” She smiles warmly, and he returns the favor with a small smile of his own.
There’s another couple seconds of silence before he jolts at a hand on his shoulder.
“Brillo pads,” says Pat, raising a thumbs up, a serious but not unkind expression on his face. As Pat goes to sit down, Robin follows, also patting him on the shoulder, though less gently.
“Good for you…gay. Gay good.” He says, then nods and returns to his chair.
“Can’t say I didn’t tango both ways in my day. Though don’t tell my wife I said that,” comments Julien, laughing breathily at his own comment and tugging at his collar.
“What be a ‘homosexual’?“ asks Mary, smiling absentmindedly.
“Oh, well Mary, it’s essentially just when you’re attracted to people who are the same gender as you,” Alison explains, relieving the Captain of having to do so himself.
“Ohhh, wells that’s nice,” she concludes, still smiling.
The Captain's mouth is slightly ajar as he takes in the reception. Tears start to pinprick his vision and he hastily attempts to clear them.
“People can do that?!” exclaims Kitty. “How wonderful! That’s so many more people who can fall in love!” She throws her hands over her heart, her face alight with glee.
“You know, Kitty,” Alison adds, “we actually have a wedding coming up with two brides getting married!” Kitty squeals with excitement.
“Oh goody! Captain, did you ever get married to a Prince Charming?”
“Oh good lord, no, not to a prince.” He chuckles, the tension from earlier slowly starting to wane. “I was married once, to a woman. For ten years we were together. But as you may be able to surmise, it was not particularly successful.” He clears his throat, glancing down at his legs. A tear he hadn’t managed to catch runs down his cheek, getting lost in his mustache.
“But your heart once yearned for a man in this very house, did it not?” It’s Thomas, speaking for the first time. The Captain snaps his attention to the poet, whose knees are locked together, his elbows resting atop them and his chin held in his hands.
“I- well I, I don’t-“
“Davers was his name?”
“Havers,” The Captain corrects softly. “A fine lieutenant.”
“I saw the way you looked at him. It’s the same way I gazed upon my dear Isabel, and of course the ever radiant Alison. You loved him.”
“Let’s not pressure him to talk about anything he doesn’t want to,” Alison says to Thomas, but directed towards the group as a whole. Then she adds, “I really am proud of you.”
“Thank you, Alison.” His words choked with emotion, the Captain then turns to Thomas.
“I regret not telling him that before he left. Everyday I regret it. But I was scared. Not everybody is permitted to express their affections as freely as you are, Thomas.”
The Captain looks around the room, taking a shaky breath, and then laughing softly. Maybe the world had changed inside the house as well.
“Though I don’t think I’m scared anymore,” he smiles softly.
“Well I-“ starts Lady Button, but before she can say another word, a brilliant bright light shines down, and heavenly music plays. The ghosts stare as the Captain raises from his seat and into the air, and then suddenly, he’s gone.
~*~
The Captain blinked, trying to adjust his eyes to the light surrounding him. His mind was whirling, yet at the same time he felt eerily calm.
“Teddy?” said a voice. A voice he had dreamed about for years.
“William?” he called out, his heart bursting with emotions he hadn’t allowed himself to feel in a lifetime.
He wasn’t scared anymore.