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Spock kept his breathing even and regular, regulating his heartbeat, blood pressure, and body temperature to make him appear asleep to the nurse checking the readings on the biobed. His performance wouldn’t have fooled Leonard, but the CMO had left sickbay 2.3 hours ago, and the young nurse didn’t question the readings.
Spock waited until the doors swooshed shut behind her before he opened his eyes. It was never completely dark nor quiet in sickbay, and he could easily make out the other occupants of the room without straining his eyes. Jim was lying in the biobed across from him, snoring softly, and Spock listened to the reassuring sound for some time before shifting his focus to the other people in the room. Turning his head to the left, Spock discerned his mother’s slumped body in the chair next to his father’s bed. She had refused to go back to their quarters after the surgery despite Leonard’s assurances that Sarek would make a full recovery. Illogical, and yet, Sarek hadn’t sent her away, but welcomed her unnecessary fussing over him with nothing more than a raised eyebrow.
Spock clenched his hands on top of the covers, pushing back against the onslaught of emotions threatening to overwhelm him now that nothing else needed his attention. For most of his parents’ stay, he had been able to focus on something else, keeping his mind busy and his emotions in check, but his controls were slipping with each passing minute of inactivity, and Spock knew it was only a matter of time before he would lose the fight. The day's events would pose a challenge to the emotional control of most full-blooded Vulcans, and Spock was even more liable to his inner turmoil due to his human half. A few hours of meditation should be enough to allow him to function adequately around his parents and crewmates once more, but he couldn’t meditate in sickbay. He hadn’t even been able to enter a light meditative state the last time he had been confined to a biobed despite the mere presence of Jim and Leonard, and the reassurance of privacy, and this time his parents were only a bed away from him. Though they were both asleep, and likely wouldn’t pay him much mind even if they weren’t, Spock’s mind rejected the thought of rest in any form with them so close – which left him with only one logical option.
Slowly, Spock slipped out of bed, ignoring the coldness of the tiles against his bare feet, listening carefully for any sounds directly outside the room. All was quiet.
As fast and soundless as possible, Spock crossed to the door, holding his breath when it swished open, but neither Leonard nor one of his staff came to question him. Spock made a mental note to question the CMO about the absence of medical personnel during gamma shift as he made his way down the corridor to the turbo lift.
Thankfully, most of the Enterprise’s personnel were either at their stations or asleep, and the few crewmembers Spock encountered were too surprised by his presence to notice his attire. Nevertheless, Spock only felt some of the tension drain from him when he reached the corridor where his quarters were located. Only a few more steps and he could deal with his emotions in private.
Spock didn’t allow any of the relief he felt to show on his face when he entered the code to his quarters, waiting until he had fully stepped inside and the door had closed behind him before he let his shoulders slump, a quiet exhale leaving his lips.
“Computer, lights to forty percent!” Spock ordered, walking towards his meditation area when a whiff of a flowery scent reached his nose and he froze on the spot.
With all that had happened in the last few hours, Spock hadn’t thought back to the incident with his mother but the smell of her perfume brought it back to the forefront of his mind. Their argument, his mother insisting anyone could do his job and that his only worth was in his ability to save Sarek’s life, and it all culminating in a hard slap to his face.
Unconsciously, Spock’s hand came up to rub his cheek, recalling his shock when she had raised her hand against him for the first time in his life, followed by the painful realization that she hadn’t exaggerated by telling him she would hate him forever if he didn’t save Sarek. The skin-on-skin contact had been brief, but still long enough for Spock to read her emotions. Her disappointment and anger had been stronger than even the worry for her husband.
Spock swallowed, lowering his hand and glancing around the room. Everything necessary for a deep meditation was here, but he doubted he would find any peace of mind even if he lit all the incense at his disposal. The memory of his mother’s rejection lingered in the room just like her perfume, and Spock needed to get away from it. His feet carried him to the adjoining bathroom and all the way through to step over the threshold into Jim’s quarters. The familiar sight of the chess board greeted him, reminding Spock of the many matches they had played – quite often to Leonard’s sarcastic commentary.
The memories tugged at the corner of his lips, and Spock almost gave in to the urge to smile – as he so often had in this room – when he recalled all that had transpired between the three of them since the Vulcan Ambassador and his wife had come aboard, and all the warmth drained from him, leaving him numb.
His eyes fell on the bed in the corner of the room. It was larger than the standard Starfleet-issued beds, newly installed to comfortably hold three people. If he lay down on it and buried his face in a pillow, he would be able to smell his partners on the fabric. Jim's pillow would carry the scent of his shampoo while Leonard's would faintly smell of the disinfectants he insisted on using despite the sterile fields in sickbay. Their mingled scents had always been a source of comfort to him, but Spock hesitated to indulge in it, uncertain if he was still welcome in their bed.
Spock curled his toes against the cold floor, indecisive. Neither Jim nor Leonard had told him they didn't want him anymore, and yet, the fear didn't seem unreasonable. Both had remarked on his inability to show emotion when faced with his father's impending death. Again, they had gotten proof of just how alien he was and also seen how little his parents thought of him. It had taken less for other people to overthink their association with him - the half-Vulcan, never enough for any world.
Spock's thoughts were interrupted by the swooshing of the doors, and the stumbling entrance of two people.
"Hah, I told you he'd be here, Bones!"
"Fine, you were right, Jim. Now, stop squirming around and sit down on the bed while I make sure our residential hobgoblin hasn't done himself any harm by leaving sickbay against my orders."
Spock watched Leonard deposit Jim on the bed, throwing a warning glare his way before turning to him, med-scanner in hand.
"I am in adequate health," Spock assured him when nimble fingers adjusted the scanners to his specifics. "It's unnecessary to…"
"Unnecessary?!" Leonard thundered, the vein at his temple pulsing angrily. "You took an experimental drug a few hours ago, gave blood to your father via a direct blood transfusion during a massive attack, and walked out of my sickbay not two hours later against explicit orders!"
"I would not have left sickbay if I did not consider my strength adequately restored. You need not concern yourself with me." Spock had meant his words to be reassuring but they only brought an angry flush to Leonard's face.
"I'm the goddamn CMO on this ship, your health is my concern, it's literally in my job description." The doctor brandished the scanner at Spock. "Now, hold still or I'll sedate you and drag your green ass back to sickbay to run every test on you I can think of!"
Spock swallowed but remained quiet while Leonard ran the scanner over him, avoiding the piercing blue eyes of his partner and staring straight at the wall next to the bed. He yearned to stroke the steady hand holding the scanner, to go over to the bed and press his lips to Jim's forehead, but he kept his muscles locked and his face expressionless. Neither of his partners had given any indication of welcoming his touch, Leonard was even avoiding all points of contact between them when he would usually place a comforting hand on his upper back in private.
Spock braced himself when the buzzing of the scanner stopped, meeting Leonard's gaze with a raised eyebrow. "What is your verdict, Doctor?"
"You're fine, a little anemic but otherwise fine," Leonard huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"As I told you."
"Ah, but you see, Spock, that's just it. How can I be sure you tell us everything relevant after today?" Blue eyes narrowed at him, and Spock suppressed a shiver at the anger reflected in them.
“Don’t be so harsh, Bones,” Jim interjected, shifting on the bed but settling again after a warning glare from the doctor. “We all had a bit of a rough day. No need to make it any worse, but Spock,” tired, brown eyes glanced up at him, “why didn’t you tell us about your parents? I felt like a complete idiot in the shuttle bay.”
“Yeah, Spock, a little warning would have been nice, just to let us know that the fricking Vulcan Ambassador is your father!”
In hindsight, Spock should have relayed the information about his connection to the ambassador and his wife to them for various reasons, not least of all due to his position on board the Enterprise. As his Captain, Jim had every right to be disappointed in him for failing to disclose a personal relationship to a high-ranking member of the delegation, and as his partners, both he and Leonard were justified to be displeased with him.
Spock’s eyes darted from Leonard’s angrily flushed face to Jim’s pale, tight-lipped expression, and his heart sank when he realized that the only explanation he had to offer wouldn’t be enough.
“I did not deem the information relevant,” Spock offered calmly to his bare toes.
“Not relevant? Are you fucking kidding me?! You’re talking about having your parents aboard the Enterprise, Spock!”
“I am aware, and I now see that it would have been beneficial to reveal the information to you in advance, but I did not expect to interact more with my parents than with any of the other delegates.” Spock was certain that if it hadn’t been for the various incidents on board, his predictions would have come true, and for all he knew, it would have been for the better.
“Spock,” Jim murmured, an odd note to his voice Spock didn’t know how to interpret, and he didn’t dare look at his partner to search for clues in his expression. He didn’t want to see the disappointment – the possible rejection – written all over the beloved face.
“Spock,” Leonard began, and Spock braced himself for another emotional outburst, exhaling in surprise when a hand clasped his arm instead, making him stumble on the spot.
“For fuck’s sake! Sit down before you fall down!” Hands pushed him down onto the bed before Spock could inform the doctor of how unwarranted his worries were. “There, now that’s better. At least both my patients are back in bed.”
“You know, Bones if you wanted us in bed all you had to do…”
“Shut it, Jim!”
Spock swallowed, hunching his shoulders and clenching his hands in his lap, unable to find comfort in the familiar banter of his partners. They were using all the right words, but it still felt off, the atmosphere heavier than usual, and Spock knew he was to blame for it. His partners would know too, and Spock only hoped he could get his feet to move by the time he would be asked to leave.
“Hey, sweetheart.” An arm slipped around his waist, followed by a warm weight leaning against his side. “What’s wrong?”
Spock blinked, meeting worried brown eyes when he glanced down at where Jim’s head was resting against him. “I am not sure how to answer that question.”
“That’s alright,” the mattress dipped on Spock’s other side, and Leonard joined their unusual embrace by slipping an arm around Spock’s shoulder. “I guess today was a bit much even for an indestructible Vulcan.” A warm hand began to rub soothing circles on his arm. “I didn’t mean to go off on you like that, but when I found you missing from sickbay, I was worried you’d do something stupid and get yourself killed after all I did to keep you alive today.”
“I apologize,” Spock offered tonelessly, unsure what exactly his partners wanted him to say.
A quiet sigh sounded from his left. “If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me.” Jim’s arm around Spock tensed. “I was so fixated on helping you fix your relationship with your father, I didn’t once stop to ask you if that’s what you wanted.”
“Jim,” Spock began, but Leonard interrupted him before he could even begin to consider what to say.
“If we’re doing apologies, I have to offer you one for pushing you to help your father. I still think saving his life was the right thing to do, but I shouldn’t have forced the surgery on you.” Leonard’s hand fell away from his arm, and Spock yearned for it to be back. “I sedated you when you wanted to leave instead of respecting your wishes. They considered that a punishable offense even back in the 21st century.”
Spock didn’t know how to reply to that, unsure what his partner was aiming for with the last part of his statement, so he decided to ignore it for the time being. “I do not hold your actions against you, Leonard. They were logical by your standards and shed positive results.”
“Now, hold on a minute, logical by my standards? What’s that supposed to mean?” Leonard’s tone was slightly off but the hand returned to stroke his arm, and Spock relaxed slightly.
"I just meant to say…"
"Hold it, both of you!" Despite his obvious exhaustion, Jim's voice held a hint of his authority. "As entertaining as it usually is to listen to your banter, I think we can all agree it's not what we need right now."
As so often, Spock found himself agreeing with his partner, and going by Leonard’s silence, he did too.
"What do you propose we should do then?" Spock caught his partner’s eyes, a heavy weight lifting from him when they smiled softly back at him.
"Whatever you need us to do, Spock."
The answer threw him momentarily, leaving him unsure of how to reply before he settled on the most logical action, sharing the truth. "I would find it most beneficial if we… laid down together while remaining in close physical contact."
An amused snort came from his right. "Trust a Vulcan to make asking for cuddles sound like a diplomatic proposal."
"How else would you have me ask?" Spock raised an eyebrow at Leonard who shook his head in reply, grinning.
"Just lie down, you overgrown kitten, and try not to steal all the covers again."
"While Vulcans have originated from felines, I don't see how I resemble a newborn cat." Spock narrowed his eyes when Leonard grinned at him but still heeded his partner's words, laying down in the middle of the bed.
"Oh, I'm sure you don't," Leonard muttered, but Spock refrained from replying when his lover laid down next to him, wrapping an arm around him with his hand placed against his side.
"Why do I always have to squeeze into the smallest corner despite it being my bed?" Jim complained, sprawling liberally across Spock's other side and placing his arm on top of Leonard's.
"Because otherwise there wouldn't be any room left for anyone else. And now stop complaining and sleep if you want to be cleared for duty in less than two weeks. Same goes for you, Spock!"
Spock’s lips twitched at the order, and, settling into the warmth of his partners' embrace, with his mind finally at ease, he found it easy to obey.