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Spock sat motionless on the couch, his eyes fixed on the window without taking in any of the stars and planets flickering by as the Enterprise passed them at warp speed. Mr. Scott had restored full power to the warp core, and the ship and her crew were on a direct course back to Earth. Spock had assured himself that everything was operating smoothly and that his expertise wouldn’t be needed for the next couple of hours before excusing himself to his quarters to meditate over the events of the last few hours, only to find that he couldn’t.
Spock shifted his gaze to stare down at the hands resting motionless in his lap. He had lost his brother today. Spock hadn’t thought about Sybok in years, he had banished every memory of his brother to the deepest parts of his mind after he had been exiled from Vulcan until he had almost forgotten he existed. Seeing his picture on the viewscreen, and then meeting him in person had been a shock, and Spock had been wholly unprepared for the emotional response he had experienced at their reunion.
Spock clenched his hands, recalling the look of betrayal on Jim’s face when he had disobeyed a direct order from him, dooming the whole ship and her crew to remain at the mercy of his brother in his search for Sha Ka Ree – almost causing his Captain’s death.
Remembered terror shook his body, and Spock clammed down hard on his emotions, keeping them contained within himself, and trembling with the effort of it. Jim could have died numerous times today, all of them because Spock hadn’t been able to pull the trigger on his brother. As understanding as Doctor McCoy had been of his reasons, it didn’t change the fact that he had failed, and his failure had almost cost him his T’hy’la.
Spock inhaled slowly, ignoring the burning in his chest and suppressing the urge to reach out to Jim with his mind, uncertain if it would be welcome. The last thing Spock had felt from Jim had been anger and betrayal before his Captain had blocked the connection from his side for the first time since their bond had formed. As a telepath, Spock could easily reach out to Jim’s mind, but… he was afraid of what he might find if he did.
“Forgive you? I ought to knock you on your goddam ass!”
It wasn’t the first time they had fought. Over the years, even Spock had lost count of the number of their arguments, but one thing had always been true for each of them – they had always made up afterward. Forgiveness and understanding had come easier to both of them as the years passed by despite Jim’s temper and Spock’s struggle with understanding the full range of human emotions. They had always found a solution for any problem, any obstacle they had encountered they had overcome, and yet, Spock feared his actions today would finally tear them apart. Jim hadn’t only refused to forgive him, he had also voiced his doubts about Spock’s loyalties, ignoring all of his attempts to make amends to the point where Spock had been ready to sink to his knees to beg for it, only his Vulcan upbringing keeping him on his feet.
His knuckles turned white from the effort to keep control, and Spock only belatedly registered the door swooshing open when quiet steps alerted him to another presence in the room. He didn’t look up, focusing on keeping his breathing even instead when the steps came to a halt in front of him.
“Spock.”
His heart fluttered in his side at his Captain’s voice, lifting his head Spock met Jim’s narrowed eyes, averting his gaze instantly afterward. “Captain.”
“Really, now?” Jim sighed, a hint of exasperation coloring his voice. “We’re alone in our quarters, there’s no need for formalities. There hasn’t been in years.”
“My apologies, Jim.”
Another sigh, the quiet cracking of joints, and then a warm hand touched his own, startling Spock into staring at Jim who was crouching down in front of him, a deep frown on his face. “You’re worrying me, Spock.”
“That was not my intention.”
“Really? You could’ve fooled me.” Jim narrowed his eyes at Spock. “First, you vanish from the bridge without a word, then, when I try reaching out to you, I notice you’ve blocked our bond, and now, I find you obviously distressed in our quarters.” Jim’s eyes softened, taking on an almost pleading look, his fingers rubbing soothing circles on Spock’s hands. “Talk to me, Spock, just tell me what’s wrong.”
Years ago, when their friendship had only just bloomed into existence, Spock would have responded to such a request with a raised eyebrow and silence, and Jim would have accepted his refusal to speak, but these times were long over.
“Today has been… taxing,” Spock offered slowly, continuing at the gentle squeeze of a hand. “It was most unexpected to see Sybok again after so many years, and I was unable to control my reactions to him.”
“When did you plan to tell me you had a half-brother?”
Spock’s hands twitched in Jim’s gentle hold. “I did not.”
“I see.”
Spock swallowed, sensing Jim’s disappointment through their proximity. “As I said it is a deeply personal matter, and therefore…”
“Damn it, Spock!” Jim’s grip on his hands tightened, his eyes flashing with anger. “I thought I would be the first you’d discuss something personal with.”
Despite the overly emotional presentation of his argument, Spock couldn’t deny Jim was right. He lowered his gaze, staring down at their joined hands. “You are right, I should’ve informed you about Sybok. I apologize for keeping the information from you, and for allowing him to take over your command.”
“Right, okay.” Jim exhaled slowly, his thumb tracing along Spock’s fingers. “I think we should discuss this more deeply at another time. You just lost your brother, I shouldn’t take my anger out on you.”
Spock raised an eyebrow. “Since I am the reason for your anger, it is only logical that I should be the recipient of it. I have kept secrets from you, disobeyed a direct order in the line of duty, endangered the Enterprise, and almost cost you your life, you have every right to be angry.”
“Whoa, slow down!” Intense brown eyes caught his, and Spock found himself unable to look away. “I’m angry about you keeping your brother a secret from me, I don’t blame you for sparing his life. As for everything else,” Jim shrugged, “I’ve had worse days, and it turned out alright in the end.”
“Jim,” Spock said urgently, unwilling to allow his Captain to lie to himself. “I felt your anger and betrayal when we were in the brig. I know how deeply I hurt you and, as I said before, I understand if you cannot forgive me.”
Numerous emotions passed through the depths of Jim’s eyes before a deep sadness settled over them. “All this time you thought I hadn’t forgiven you.”
It wasn’t a question but Spock still felt compelled to reply. “You blocked our bond.”
“Yes, briefly, because I didn’t want to overwhelm you.” A warm hand cradled his cheek, prompting Spock to lean into the touch. “You blocked it, too, I felt it when I tried reaching out to you on the planet, and you’re keeping me away even now. “
There was a hidden plea in Jim’s voice Spock couldn’t ignore. Carefully, he lowered the shields he had erected around his side of the bond, allowing it to flow freely between them again. “I raised my shields in reaction to you blocking it. I did not want to disrespect your privacy by accident.”
Jim nodded thoughtfully, aware of how easily Spock could slip past his shields if he so wished. “I understand that, but why didn’t you lower them again?”
It was a simple question, and yet Spock didn’t know how to answer it, how to tell Jim he had been afraid of what emotions he would receive once the bond was unblocked. He didn’t think he could have handled his T’hy’la’s rejection on top of everything else.
Some of his misery bled through their bond despite Spock's best efforts to keep it away from Jim. He watched quietly as brown eyes widened, swallowing harshly when Jim let go of his hand and scrambled to his feet. He hadn't expected to chase Jim away with his emotions, but even after all these years, humans could surprise him.
"Oh, Spock!" Warm hands cradled his face, and a comfortable weight settled on top of him when Jim straddled his lap, peering down at him. "Yes, I was angry, but that doesn't change that I love you. We've had that conversation a few times already, sweetheart. You won't get rid of me. You and I, that's forever. "
"Jim," Spock whispered, his vision momentarily blurring when he gazed at his husband, feeling the love pulsing between them.
"Parted from me and never parted," Jim repeated the vows they had spoken so many years ago.
"Never and always touching, and touched," Spock finished, watching his husband's eyes grow misty.
"I love you, Spock. Nothing will ever change that."
"T'hy'la," Spock breathed, his arms coming around Jim, pulling him as close as possible.
Jim settled with a happy sigh, snuggling into his husband's arms, stroking his hair, and Spock felt what he had described to Sybok - belonging.