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"Things with Atsushi are never going to work for you, you know," Dazai's suddenly icy cold voice says. Ryuunosuke feels fear creep up its spine, but refuses to acknowledge it.
"What is that supposed to mean?" They're rarely alone together. Atsushi keeps them apart as much as possible, and typically Ryuunosuke itself will avoid being in the same building as him if it can help it. They know better than to let themself suffer in the past. Unlike somebody, clearly.
"It's simple, really. I'm shocked you haven't put more thought into it, considering you care so much about her," Ryuunosuke hates the way Dazai makes it sound like they don't care about her, and that it's some lie they're making up to accomplish some goal. "You're a born killer. Wrath incarnate. She's kindness born from a past just like yours, doesn't that ever make you consider that you were just destined to turn out corrupt?"
"You're right," Ryuunosuke nods easily. It's not like Ryuunosuke hasn't thought about that; that Ryuunosuke is, if you look at it from a black and white point of view, the very thing Atsushi hates. But neither Atsushi or Ryuunosuke think in black and white, and nor does Dazai. It's not like Dazai hadn't put them together in the first place. Ryuunosuke is beginning to put the pieces together in its mind, though. Dazai doesn't really think they're bad for each other, they just want to embed doubt in Ryuunosuke's mind to somehow make them less caring about each other again, for Ryuunosuke to enforce distance because Dazai had said something, because Dazai can't stand that they don't know what's going on between Atsushi and Ryuunosuke, and Dazai can't stand that a piece of their life that embodies their regret is in love with their apology to the world.
If Ryuunosuke falls for Dazai's attempt to tell everyone that they've changed, Ryuunosuke, who had been in the storm of the very person Dazai changed from, will that make Dazai's efforts at an apology null and void? What would Sakunosuke Oda think?
So when Dazai's eyebrows raise expectantly at Ryuunosuke, like it's meant to somehow cut all ties with Atsushi and still be double black with her, after Ryuunosuke had died for her, after everything they'd been through, like he expects them to break her heart if it just means Dazai's efforts were not in vain, and that they still can escape their past and be flawlessly forgiven, Ryuunosuke wants to scream. Call him a hypocrite.
Because, Ryuunosuke thinks, You never even tried to change for me.
"At least, you were right a long time ago. I have grown, Atsushi has grown. Have you ever taken the time to consider that perhaps you're the only one who hasn't?" Ryuunosuke levels their glare on Dazai.
"You are incapable of growth," Dazai always says things that make Ryuunosuke want to shrivel up and just die. It makes it feel small again, being fourteen and adjusting to Dazai's harshness at any cost. Dazai had already saved them and their sister, after all. They had no choice but to keep that life. Eventually, it broke them, and they couldn't stop chasing the rush of being useful to someone. The disapproval dripping from Dazai's voice now makes Ryuunosuke want to apologize, expect to be hit, or worse.
But if Dazai did that now, how would Ryuunosuke react?
Something awful finds its way into Ryuunosuke's mind. They've never been able to ask for help. Its been trying to get better at that. But when it's Dazai in front of them, and they're suddenly worried that they will be locked in a small room, or kicked until they can't move, and they wouldn't dare fight back, (Their body is frail after all, and Dazai knows all the right places to hit.) they can't help but feel like they'd stay silent. After all these years, Dazai still has some vice grip on them that won't shake off.
Some part of it screams they deserve it. Another part, that sounds suspiciously like Atsushi, cries out, You were just a kid.
It's years later, Ryuunosuke is twenty five, but right now they feel fourteen at the face of the man who looks startlingly sixteen.
Hit him where it hurts. A voice begs. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't do anything, I had to save Gin, and I couldn't do anything.
Ryuunosuke realizes that the voice in its head is just it. Fourteen and afraid, years ago, begging to be avenged. Ryuunosuke remembers the bloodlust. Dazai had gotten to it before they could, and they thought, maybe, this woman could be my reason to live. Ryuunosuke was bloodlust, then, fourteen and scared for their sister, scared in general, just trying to live. Bloodlust stems from that kind of thing; wanting vengeance against those with power above you, who can hurt you.
Dazai was a kid, too. Ryuunosuke counters the poor child locked in their head. Don't forgive him, never forgive him, but he didn't have a reason to live, either. He found it, though. He just needs time to realize he's the only one afraid of the things he's trapped in his mind with. Don't forgive him, never forgive him, but this isn't all you are, Ryuu.
Ryuunosuke is twenty five now. They aren't bloodlust anymore. They have a reason to live, too, and it's not just a person. They just want to be alive. That's simple. It soothes the child in its mind, still crying and clinging onto something it's worried it'll never find. But, Ryuunosuke thinks, you will.
"I am not just something you can will away," Ryuunosuke says easily. "You left the darkness, why can't you expect me to do this same? Let me be happy. People already forgive you; you don't need to force me out of somebody else's life to fix your own."
Dazai looks guilty, now. Ryuunosuke supposes Dazai realizes they're correct. Exasperated, Ryuunosuke sighs.
"You're becoming better. Stay on that path. You can't fix what you did to me, I will never forgive you, but there's nothing you can do about that. Just leave me alone. It has been years, Dazai. Move on,"
Ryuunosuke knows that the fourteen year old in their head could never be happy, because that is simply how it was: Ryuunosuke at fourteen was never happy, only scared and angry. But with this, at the very least, Ryuunosuke can soothe them.
Dazai's not so scary anymore. Ryuunosuke thinks. If anything, I'm certain that there's a kid in his head too. He gave into that child, afraid of me, angry at me, but he will learn. Just as I had.
Ryuunosuke thinks Dazai has grown a lot since then. Ryuunosuke seems to be his final hurdle, accepting that they are a part of their life. Less as a presence and more like a ghost.
Ryuunosuke will leave Dazai like that.
When they get home later in the day, saying hello to their cats, and their girlfriend, who technically counts as one of the cats anyway, they remind themself they are happy.
Ryuunosuke finds warmth in Atsushi's hand, even though she's trying to cook something on the stove and is reprimanding Ryuunosuke for the strong hold they have on her hand.
That's okay, Ryuunosuke smiles. She is my light. And as Atsushi is muttering about Ryuunosuke's bone crushing hand hold, Ryuunosuke sees that she is smiling. She makes no attempt to pull her hand back, even though it makes it a little more difficult to cook.
Atsushi accommodates even small little unnecessary things like this for Ryuunosuke. It doesn't make them think about how Dazai wouldn't ever do something like that. Maybe five years ago, it would have, but now all Ryuunosuke thinks about is that Atsushi is cooking dinner for both of them with one hand and it is remarkably funny to watch.