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Okay, so she knows she’s not exactly meant to talk to him, because she’s a bad influence, or whatever, and it fucking sucks. She writes him letters, anyway, though, and hopes he gets them.
He never writes her back.
(One time, just to make her mum freak out, she writes his name on her arm in dark red lipliner, so it looks like blood if you don’t look at it too much. Her mum does freak out, but it’s somehow not as satisfying as she thought it’d be.)
Mostly, she’s just glad he’s alive.
She can wait for him.
She’s not really concerned about not hearing from, because of the whole stupid no-contact thing, which is why she’s surprised when she gets the letter.
At first, she thinks it might be a love confession, or something. Maybe an apology for not writing her sooner.
She doesn’t at all expect what the letter actually says.
Dear Alyssa,
I don’t want to see you again, ever. Because of you, I killed someone. I can’t ever take that back and it’s made me hate you. So whatever you feel about me, you should know I don’t feel it in return. Please leave me alone.
Sincerely,
James
P.S. Good luck with everything.
She screams.
This can’t be happening; she loves him. Doesn’t he love her? He nearly died for her! She couldn’t forget it even if she tried (she does try – it’s all she dreams about, if she doesn’t count the nightmares about Clive Koch and what might have happened if James hadn’t been there to save her).
James saved her.
She didn’t ask him to kill anyone!
She rereads the letter, and starts to feel sick. It must be a joke, except James doesn’t really ever make jokes, but why would he write this?
How could he hate her?
She should cry. She should scream some more. She should rush to the hospital and demand to see him, because what the fuck?
Instead, it’s like she shuts down entirely.
She rereads the letter a third time and feels nothing.
She knows it’s bad when her mother has to encourage her to eat a slice of birthday cake. She has lost weight, and it’s not exactly like she had a lot extra to start with.
She should be enjoying her birthday, but she just keeps thinking about James.
(I don’t want to see you again)
How he’d got sick after he’d killed that man.
(Ever)
How free and happy he’d looked dancing with her.
(Because of you, I killed someone)
How he’d kissed her on the beach.
(I can’t ever take that back)
How he’d got her fucking flowers even though she’d stormed off.
(It’s made me hate you)
How he couldn’t kill that fucking dog.
(So whatever you feel about me)
How he’d cooked for her.
(You should know I don’t feel it in return)
How he’d cuddled up close to her in the hotel.
(Please leave me alone)
How he’d risked his own life to save her.
(Sincerely, James)
How he’d almost bled out in front of her very eyes.
(P.S. Good luck with everything)
Things would be so much easier if she could hate him back.
But despite everything, she can’t stop loving him. It makes her hate herself.
She doesn’t know how she’s meant to function without him – without knowing that he’s waiting for her.
(Hate you)
She read somewhere that there are five stages of grief.
(I don’t want to see you again, ever)
First is denial.
(Because of you, I killed someone)
Then bargaining.
(I can’t ever take that back, and it’s made me hate you)
Anger.
(So whatever you feel about me, you should know I don’t feel it in return)
Depression.
(Please leave me alone)
And acceptance.
(Sincerely, James)
Alyssa refuses to accept it.
(P.S. Good luck with everything)
She tries to see him once, a few weeks after the letter. In her “bargaining” stage, or whatever, because she can’t just accept that James hates her.
He can’t hate her.
The police won’t let her in. She starts screaming that she has to see him, that she won’t leave until she does, that she’ll do something drastic if she can’t.
They threaten to arrest her.
It’s only when one of them actually makes a move to do it that she leaves.
She doesn’t ever come back.
It’s in the papers when he’s found not guilty.
He doesn’t try to contact her.
(P.S. Good luck with everything)
Most days, she just lays there not feeling anything.
Not feeling anything really is an improvement over feeling everything. She understands now why James shut off all his emotions.
Whenever she closes her eyes, now, she sees James bleeding out, his clothes soaked with his own blood, the sand red under him, her own hands stained red as she tries in vain to stop the bleeding.
(So whatever you feel about me, you should know I don’t feel it in return)
She just wishes it would go away.
She doesn’t even want to be normal; she just wants to stop thinking about James all the time.
“Maybe you need closure,” Aunt Leigh says after a month of Alyssa lying around her house, not doing much of anything.
Alyssa shrugs and goes back to hoovering the rug.
Aunt Leigh drives her to James’s house, anyway.
Dear Alyssa,
I don’t want to see you again, ever. Because of you, I killed someone. I can’t ever take that back and it’s made me hate you. So whatever you feel about me, you should know I don’t feel it in return. Please leave me alone.
Sincerely,
James
P.S. Good luck with everything.
James’s dad answers the door. It’s very anticlimactic.
(I don’t want to see you again)
“Oh, James’ll be delighted to see you! Come on, I’ll take you to him.”
(Ever)
James is on the sofa in the sitting room, watching television in his stocking feet.
(Because of you, I killed someone)
Alyssa wants to run away.
(I can’t ever take that back)
“James! Look who’s here!”
(It’s made me hate you)
James sees her.
(So whatever you feel about me)
His jaw drops.
(You should know I don’t feel it in return)
His mouth opens.
(Please leave me alone)
“Alyssa.”
(Sincerely, James)
“I got your letter.”
(P.S. Good luck with everything)
His face falls.
(I don’t want to see you again)
“Let me explain.”
(Ever)
“I really think your letter explained everything pretty well.”
(Because of you)
“That’s not – Alyssa…”
(I killed someone)
“I never asked you to do that! I didn’t ask you to kill that man!”
(I can’t ever take that back)
“Alyssa…”
(It’s made me hate you)
“I waited for you! I wrote you loads of letters! If you didn’t – you could have fucking told me to my face, James!”
(So whatever you feel about me)
“I’m sorry.”
(You should know)
“You nearly died! I was covered in your blood!”
(I don’t feel it in return)
“I’m so sorry…”
(Please leave me alone)
“I don’t want your apologies!”
(Sincerely)
“I’m still sorry. I never meant to –”
(James)
“Never meant to what? Tell me you hated me? Make me feel absolute shit?
(P.S.)
“Your mum made me!”
(Good luck with everything)
The world fucking freezes.
“What.”
Her mind can’t process it. Her mum made him? When did he ever see her mum? Her mum hates him! Why would her mum see him?
“She – in the hospital, she came to visit me.”
Her mum would never. “Yeah, right, James.”
“She did! She told me that I was ruining your life. I – I couldn’t walk, and I was going to go to prison and that if I loved you, I’d let you go. I – I’ve ruined your life. She was right. I couldn’t…” He trails off and swallows hard, blinking back tears. “You deserved better than me. Deserve better than me.”
“So you decided to tell me that you hate me?”
“I didn’t mean it!”
“You still wrote it!”
“I’m so sorry, Alyssa.”
He starts to cry properly now. It’s actually sort of difficult to watch. She doesn’t know what to do with herself. Honestly, she’s struggling to process everything. James doesn’t hate her.
He doesn’t hate her.
“Why the fuck did you listen to her?”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s not really an answer, James.”
“I’m bad for you. Everything that happened –”
“Was my fault,” she says, cutting him off. “It was my idea to run away. My idea to rob that man. My idea to stay in that house, to sleep in that bed. My idea to go on the run instead of turning ourselves in. My idea to rob the gas station. My idea to go to my dad. My idea to not listen to that police officer and try to run away again. All you ever did was try to protect me.”
He doesn’t say anything. He’s still crying, and for a moment, she wonders if he’s even heard a word she just said.
But then he says, “I hurt you.”
“He was going to rape me if you hadn’t stopped him. Probably murder me, too.”
He shakes his head.
“I still have nightmares about it,” she says. “If you hadn’t stopped him. It was bad enough like it was, but…” She swallows hard. “If you hadn’t been there, James…”
“I was trying to kill you!”
His words take Alyssa by surprise. Not because she hadn’t sorted that out (really, things were pretty obvious after he killed that man), but because he’s admitting it.
“I changed my mind, obviously, but when we first set out… I was trying to kill you.”
“But you didn’t,” she says. “And you had plenty of opportunity. I don’t think you could’ve.”
“Alyssa…”
“Am I fucking wrong?”
“I’m not good for you.”
“I think that’s up to me to decide,” she says. “Because I really fucking love you, James. And I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want to think that you hate me.”
“You love me?” he asks. He has this stupid, hopeful look on his face, even though his face is wet with tears and snot, and she sort of wants to kiss him.
“You nearly died in front of me, and then I couldn’t see you, and then…”
“I’m so sorry,” he says.
“Do you love me, James?”
He hesitates. Takes a deep breath. “I do. I love you, Alyssa.”
That’s all she needs. It takes all of the fight out of her.
She sinks down next to him on the sofa. He reaches for her hand. She lets him, even though it’s his fucked up one.
“I don’t expect this to fix anything,” he says.
It won’t fix everything, but it’ll fix some things.
“You’re going to be my boyfriend, aren’t you?”
She hears his sharp intake of breath. “What?”
“My boyfriend. You love me. I love you. I want you to be my boyfriend. Properly.”
He searches her face for – well, probably to see if she’s joking. She’s not joking.
“Okay,” he says. “But I can’t leave.”
“What do you mean?”
“Suspended sentence. I’ve got to live here until it’s up. Two years.”
She considers asking him to move in, but that’s too much. Too soon. Especially after everything.
It’ll take a bit to rebuild that trust.
“All right. Then we’ll do that long distance thing. Letters – nice ones, like proper love letters – and phone calls and shit.”
“Okay,” he agrees.
Then he kisses her, and it’s everything she’s wanted for so long.
He loves her.
It doesn’t fix everything, but everything isn’t total shit anymore.
(P.S. Good luck with everything)