Chapter Text
I hate first days. I hate starting over. I hate transferring. I hate starting a school in the middle of the year, behind behind on everything, not being in on all the friend groups and the ins and outs of the school culture. Still, there I am, starting my first day at St. Godrics in the middle of January. The building towers over me like a big, evil shadow even though this was my dream school, had been ever since I was little. I did the regular admissions, got through the first selection round, then the second and then the third and then got told there were no spaces left. I gave up on my dreams, fought with my mother. Or, she fought with me. She yelled and yelled and then the first blow hit, something she had never done to me before, only to my brother, who left me when I was 14. I envy him for it, the running away. I hate him for leaving me behind, for never turning back around. For never checking up on me ever again. For starting over with a new family. I didn't even know where he was staying now. Never left me an address, send me a letter. Nothing.
Then, half a year later, I got a letter from St. Godrics. A spot had come free and I was on top of the list. I took the chance immediately.
I take a deep breath and clench my fists, my nails digging into my palms, leaving little moon shaped marks in my skin. I can do this. The duffel bag on my shoulder is heavy, I fit all my belongings in there. I'm scared to enter the building, scared someone will flag me as an intruder. What if I arrive at the desk and the lady tells me there has been a mistake. They sent the letter to the wrong person. I don't have the talent for this school. I'm an imposter.
The inside of the building looks exactly like I remember it. I revisit the day of my audition in my head. Around twenty other people around my age. The shiny white tiles on the wall. The wooden dance floor. The stares when I pulled out my pointe shoes. Men can do pointe, it is just not as common. The sound of the music flowing through the studio. The big mirror along the walls. My hair, pulled back into a bun, lots longer than it is now.
The ceiling is so high, I have trouble focusing on the paintings decorating it. My vision is blurred and I feel I need to sit down. I don't. It's all in my head anyway.
Put one foot in front of the other. Take a deep breath. Another step. I know the way to the office, I have memorised the map of the building. I know exactly where everything is. I also know the name of every single person attending the school. Thats how I know my brother goes here too. He's changed, a lot. I have too. I don't think he knows I'm here. What if he gets mad when he sees me? What if he thinks I stalked him here?
Another step.
"Good afternoon, mister...." the lady behind the desk looks at me over her glasses. Her name tag reads 'Pince'. She also works at the library on campus.
"Black. Regulus Black" I say.
"Mmm" she hums. Her long nails make funny noises on the keyboard. Her actual fingers don't touch the keys, she is just typing with her long, pink nails. She turns her seat around and ducks to grab something out of a bottom drawer. She has a run in her tights and her black kittenheels are not on her feet, but next to her chair. She turns back to me, holding up a set of rusty keys.
"Dorm room C23" she says, pointing at the printed out map in front of her. The C-wing. I nod and take the keys.
"Your account should be activated, so you can log into your school mail and view your schedule online. If there's anything else you need, just let me know" she says. I don't think she means it. When people say "just let me know" or "no problem", they usually don't mean it. I won't be asking her for help. I give her a nod and leave. My footsteps make a loud noise in the big, empty hallway. I wonder where everyone is, but it is school hours. Everyone must be in their classes.
The room is not small, but the mess makes it feel cramped and tiny. There are four beds in the room, of which two seem to be inhabited. I know it's a boys dorm, because there are only boys rooms in the C-wing. That's nice, I guess. I make my way through the heaps of clothes and books on the ground and claim the bed the furthest back, one of the two that looks untouched. I drop my duffel next to it and drop down without taking of my shoes. Normally I would never do that, because it is gross and germs and... I take a breath. I will change the sheets in a minute. There is no need for spiralling right now. I will change the sheets and wash these and everything will be fine. I will be fine.
I had not meant to fall asleep. I am awoken by someone poking at my shoulder. I open my eyes and see a girl. A girl with dark skin and long, bleach blonde hair in braids. That does not make any sense. What would a girl be doing here. A second face appears, almost identical to the first, but more masculine and with a bleached blonde buzzcut.
"He's awake" he smiles. I blink a few times.
"I'm sorry?" I mumble. A third face.
"He's cute, isn't he Evan?" the newest boy asks. His hair is a light brown and parted down the middle. A pair of glasses is balanced on the tip of his nose.
"I guess so, yeah" Evan says. I recognise him now. The girl must be Pandora, they're twins. The other guy is Barty. Barty Crouch Jr., to be exact. His father is in the government. I sit up.
"I'm Regulus, Black" I say. Pandora claps her hands.
"We were expecting you" she says.
"Another Black" Evan says.
"Another Black" I confirm.
"I thought there was only a daughter left" Pandora frowns, but I just shrug. It isn't the first time I had heard something like this. That's what you get when your parents hide you away basically your whole life. No big deal. No one knows me, that's why I feel the need to know everyone.
"Where are your bags?" Barty ask. I vaguely motion to where I've dumped my bag.
"Is that all?"
"Yes, that is al." I don't feel like explaining why all my belongings fit into one bag right now. I don't like talking about it. It's my first day and I've already ruined my first impression by falling asleep, I don't need them to pity me. An awkward silence hangs in the air, of course they can sense something is off.
"So, what do you guys do?" I ask. I already know, obviously. Pandora does Ballet, like me, Evan and Barty both do Modern. They're good, Evan and Barty. They have won multiple first places as a dance duo. They have known each other while they were still little, so I have a big disadvantage on them.
"Ballet."
"Modern."
"Me too, Ballet" I say. Pandora claps her hands again.
"What about I give you a tour of the school" she suggests. I'm just glad that she is being nice to me, it's okay I already know the entire building inside and out.
"Yes that sounds good" I say, trying to repress a big yawn. I stretch my arms to wake myself up and fix my hair in the big mirror stuck to the door. I try to ignore the scale that is half shoved under the closet. I get obsessed with numbers and I make a mental note not to come close to the thing when anyone is around. I have to stay strong at all times. If I want to be a man, I have to act like it. No one can see me break.
Pandora takes my arm as if we've been friends for forever. I want to tell her off, I don't like being touched, but once again, first impressions. Be a normal twenty year old. How hard can it be?
We pass the classrooms and dance studios. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of the music playing inside. Sometimes the shutters are open and I can see inside, but most of the time they're closed, so we pass them quickly. Nothing interesting to see here, Pandora thinks. She leads me to a big staircase and where I expect her to go up to show me the library, she goes down, to the garden. Strangely enough, the garden is the only place I haven't throughly studied. It's winter, freezing winds blow around us, cutting our faces and snow has started to fall again. All the trees are naked and look a bit sad. The entire garden is hidden under a thin layer of snow, it looks magical.
"Come on" Pandora says, pulling at my arm. I have stopped walking and am staring at the beauty of the winter wonderland.
"Move" someone behind me sneers. I turn around to see a tall, slender boy with greasy black hair standing behind me. I realise I have been blocking the exit and quickly take a step to the side. The man rushes past me, deliberately touching my shoulder in the process.
"Ignore Severus. He's just bitter he never gets any leads in any of the plays" Pandora laughs. I don't really see how that is funny, but I force myself to give her a smile.
She takes me through the garden and around the building, to a door on the side. It's just a normal door, not one of the big, heavy doors at the entrance. She pushes it open and looks around the corner.
"Okay we're safe" she says, and steps inside. She tuns on the light and motions for me to follow her. I hesitate, I feel like we're doing something we're not supposed to be doing. I really can't get in trouble on my first day.
"Come on, this is the best part" Pandora says. Take a deep breath. Just do it. Have some fun. I step inside. I look around at the cluttered floor and the barely visible walls. Big closets filled to the brim with all kinds of stuff hide the actual walls.
"Where are we" I gasps. I genuinely have no idea where we are. Pandora grins.
"This is nothing yet" she says. She walks around a corner and disappears. To me, the room had looked like a square, but one of the walls isn't fully touching the other. I go to follow her, but she stops me.
"Wait here for one second" she says before disappearing again. I nod and nervously bite my nails. It stresses me out that I have no idea where I am. What is the point of maps if not everything is on it? Are we allowed to be here? How much trouble are we in if we get caught? If we're not allowed to be here, then why was the door open?
Pandora returns with a mischievous grin.
"Close your eyes" she says.
"What?"
"Close your eyes." I hesitate, but obey. Pandora places her hands on my shoulders and leads me away from the packed room. I can feel the air shifting. The musty and stuffy air makes way for a nice, warm breeze.
"Okay. open your eyes" Pandora says. I do. I gasp. The space we've entered is enormous. Three of the walls are made of wood, the fourth one are heavy red curtains.
"The theatre" I whisper.
"yes indeed" Pandora laughs. I walk a bit further onto the stage and do a spin.
"We're not technically allowed to be here, but it's okay. This is where to 'cool kids' hang out."
"Oh" I say. I have never been considered a 'cool kid'. I have always been a bit of a loser. I've also never been to a real school, so for years I've only interacted with the kids in my family and grown up who were constantly crowding our house. I wouldn't even know what 'cool kids' do, if I'm being honest. I imagine they get drunk and do things other people consider cool, but I've never really seen the appeal to that.
"Okay, time to move on" Pandora says, walking up to the curtains. She pushes them open, just a tad, and disappears off the stage. This girl has a real talent of disappearing. I follow her and it turns out the is just a set of stairs leading down.
"Make sure the curtains are closed" Pandora says. She's already halfway through the rows of chairs. I do as she says and then sprint to catch up with her. We exit the Theatre when we are sure no one has seen us and then go on pretending like nothing has happened. In reality, my heart is drumming in my chest. I don't to things that are against the rules.
A flash of red passes us, before abruptly coming to a halt at the end of the hallway. He turns around and looks in my direction.
"Who's that?" I ask. I already know, to nobody's surprise. It's James Potter. Absolutely gorgeous but also an incredible asshole.
"Who is that?" Pandora repeats in disbelief, "That is James Potter, St. Godrics golden boy. Second year dancer." I scoff.
"What does he do? Theatre? Modern? Hip Hop?"
"No, actually," Pandora frowns, "Ballet." I press my lips into a thin line. I couldn't imagine this big, broad guy doing ballet. I can also not imagine him being my brothers best friend.
"His ass looks great in tights by the way, in case you were wondering" Pandora adds. I wasn't before wondering, but now I am.
"I wasn't" I snap. Impure thoughts must never be spoken, my mother made sure I'd remember that rule.
"Well, alright, I didn't mean anything by it" Pandora frowns at me. I drop my shoulders in shame. I had not meant to snap like that. I need to make a first impression that sticks, but not like this. Potter is walking our way now with a frown on his face. It's been six years since I last saw him, except for pictures of course. He hasn't changed much over the years, he just has become more annoyingly handsome. He's rubbing his eyes now, as if he's seeing something he can't believe.
"Reggie?" he asks. I should have turned around and walked away. I knew I'd run into him sooner or later, but I had hoped it wouldn't be on my first day.
"You know him?" Pandora squeals.
"Hi Panda, Yes I do in fact know Reggie" James smiles. I grimace.
"Don't call me Reggie" I say.
"Oh he's gotten feisty" Potter teases. I hate him, really, but I also know 14 year old me never got over that crush, not even when Sirius left me for him. Part of me can't help being excited about the fact he still remembers me.
"I'm not 'feisty', I'm a grown man" I hiss through my teeth. His hand reaches out and touches my face. I slap it away.
"A grown man? How old are you again? Sixteen now?" Potter says. I bite the inside of my cheek, hard. A metallic taste fills my mouth.
"I'm twenty, you asshole. I was always only a year younger than you were" I say. I swallow the blood, the taste lingers. Potters face flinches for a second, but I'm not sure if I'm imagining it.
"Ah that's right. Time flies, doesn't it" he grins. I say nothing more, just give him a foul look. I hate him and he should know it.
"See you tonight, Panda?" Potter asks. Pandora nods and takes my arm again. We walk until we're far out of earshot and the she shoves me into a broom closet.
"Pandora!" I protest, but she's blocking the door.
"He likes you" she says.
"Can you at least turn on a light?" I ask, ignoring her statement.
"Oh, right, yeah" she giggles and our faces are illuminated by the weak light of the almost dead pear.
"But Regulus, he likes you" she repeats.
"No, he really doesn't" I laugh. The idea is so absurd, it's hilarious.
"He was flirting with you, didn't you see?" Pandora claims. I shake my head.
"That's just his personality" I say, repeating my brothers words. I can still hear them loud and clear.
It was the winter break and James had been staying over at our house. I was thirteen, he was fourteen and Sirius was fifteen already. Sirius and James had been thick as thieves ever since they met at dance when they were around ten. I was always just the younger sibling. We were homeschooled and my mother had pulled me out of dance classes. She hired a private teacher because she couldn't deal with the shame of me as a child, so at thirteen I had not been around other kids for almost two years. James and Sirius were the only other kids I saw on a regular base, and since Sirius was my brother, playing with him wasn't all that exciting anymore. Especially not since James got more attention from him than I did. James and Sirius were always up to something, and I usually just darted after them, not knowing what to do with myself, but absolutely in trance with James. He was cute, even at fourteen, in his awkward puberty phase, and I knew it was wrong, but everything about my existences was already wrong to my mother, so she ignored the fact that I, at thirteen, was absolutely in love with this boy. Sirius tried to keep me at a distance from them, it isn't cool to always have to play with your little brother, but James always made sure I was included. This year, he had even gotten me a present. A little silver necklace with a snake dangling at the bottom of it. At thirteen I was stupid and thought it had meant something, and so I told Sirius about my feelings. He laughed and said it was nothing. That was just James. That's just his personality.
Pandora shakes her head.
"It's not just his personality. I've never seen him like that" she says. I also shake my head. She's wrong. This is how he always was. I will forever be little Reggie to him. I push Pandora aside and run as fast as I can. I can hear pandora calling after me, but I don't stop. I'm going to lock myself in my room and make sure I don't run into anyone else today.