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No Nightingales.
It wasn't fair. Wasn't right.
Blinking away tears that stung his vision, Aziraphale braced himself in the elevator to heaven.
He was vaguely aware of Mettatron speaking to him, wherefore he'd offer a few hm' s and uh-huh 's.
You idiot. We could have been us.
Us.
Idiot.
I forgive you.
That's what felt right.
The… The wretched kiss .
He couldn't help thinking back on it.
It wasn't…how he'd envisioned it. How he'd fantasized it, how he dreamt it.
It burned.
The knowledge that Crowley could pass up this opportunity. He can be an angel again!
He thought that Crowley would have been overjoyed. Ecstatic. Finally, they could be together without any disagreement on anyone's side, because they would both be on the same side! No one had to choose.
Besides, it's not like Crowley's allegiance was towards Hell.
Our side.
He'd done the right thing.
It didn't feel that way.
He'd done the right thing.
It felt wrong.
He'd done the right thing.
He lost his best friend.
Because he did the right thing.
Nothing in the universe was easy, apparently. Truthfully, and possibly even foolishly, Aziraphale had thought that this would be. It was a solution.
They are toxic.
Couldn't be. Heaven wasn't… toxic, just… needed some guidance.
And he could do it, he was going to change everything.
Then, he and Crowley could go on as many lunch dates as they liked.
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
Crowley doesn't know what he just gave up.
Closing his eyes, the angel takes a breath.
The kiss.
He physically itched. The… the contact… it felt so wrong-but heavens he'd wanted it but…
Not.. Not like that.
An unbearable ache had settled over Aziraphale's heart.
He was torn, and felt rather betrayed. Crowley had taken something that Aziraphale had always regarded as fantasy, something he'd longef for and thought would never happen because come on, they weren't humans. It should not have affected him like it did. Such an innocent act humans participated in.
And it was actively destroying him.
Not… It was not Crowley's fault. He was just… confused, holding grudges… he'd surely come back and beg to join them, and oh he'd be sooo sorry angel, I wasn't thinking clearly, I will gladly become an angel and spend the rest of eternity with you.
…
He was an idiot, wasn't he.
… . … … … . … … … … … … … … … … …
Lightning flashed around Crowley as he drove. He had no destination, just anywhere but here.
Anywhere.
He figured Alpha Centauri was out of the question, as he'd practically invited Gabriel and Beelzebub over. And while they may not be there, he really didn't feel like taking chances.
I forgive you.
Blast it all. Damn heaven, damn Aziraphale, damn earth, DAMN IT ALL!!
Lightning strikes rather close to the Bentley door, a flame blazing for a short time. Steam fills the inside of the car, fogging the windows.
that felt better.
Crowley was mad. Mad at Aziraphale, but also at heaven. More than anything, heaven.
He loved Aziraphale. He did. There really was no denying that.
And that only made things harder.
Because how. How could he choose that godforsaken heaven-that place that caused his angel so much stress and pain, that place that caused himself so much pain…
He felt like he was being torn apart from the inside. Like a steel blade coated in holy water had seared straight through his chest.
That kiss.
He wanted to make Aziraphale hurt , feel some semblance of what that blonde haired dunce had inflicted on him. That stupid, idiotic, utterly devastating angel.
He hated this. This feeling of helplessness.
But it wasn't his job to change what Aziraphale believed in. No, that was his own journey. Let him learn the hard way.
Let him learn the hard way.
The invisible blade in Crowley's chest was seemingly twisted as he thought about the angel-
Was he not enough? Not important enough, didn't mean enough to him?
It didn't matter how hard he tried, Crowley simply could not figure out why the dickens his- that angel, after everything they had been through and seen together, would choose the side that treated him so poorly.
Fuck it all.
He needed some alcohol. So, so much alcohol.