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You kissed me. And it wasn’t like it is in books. You were right, there was no music. You stomped across the room and grabbed me, you grabbed my jacket, and I was worried it would rip, and you know I love this jacket, you miracled it clean for me once during the business with the paintball guns and Adam. And you just… smashed your mouth against mine, and you were so angry and hurt. I could feel it radiating off you, burning me. Sometimes in stories it’s good when two people are angry and they kiss, it’s like a fight that’s also delicious, and they take it out on each other but also work it out with each other. It feels good to read. But this didn’t feel good at all. It just felt like confirmation that we’re not a match, really, that we’ve been… confused, all along. Deceived. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I really am as naive as you say I am. Maybe it was just a temptation all along. I don’t know. That’s horrible. I know that’s not true. But Crowley I… I really wanted to like it. The kiss. I’ve been wanting you to kiss me. I’ve imagined it a thousand times. A million times, like a scene from a romance novel. In the rain. In a little tavern somewhere. In the Bastille. In a cemetery. At the theater. In the ambassador’s garden. On my doorstep. In your car. After dinner, drunk on my sofa, your golden eyes wide. But I wanted you to be gentle, I wanted you to touch me softly and for it to feel good, like chocolate melting on my tongue. It didn’t. It was rough and wet and I felt your teeth clack against mine and I was crying a little and you didn’t stop. It went on for so long. You must’ve felt I didn’t like it, I was all stiff, and you kept going. And I was just thinking, why don’t I like this? I want to like it. I want to kiss you. I want you to kiss me, and be with me forever. I want to hold on to you. This is what I wanted. But it’s not what I wanted. I didn’t realize it fully until now, that I wanted it all to go back to the way it was. No, that’s not right. I’m so confused. I don’t want it to go back to the way it was. I want things to change, of course I do. The agents of heaven have been cruel. God’s plan is… You should not have been cast out. Humans should not live lives of random suffering. And now the Metatron has given me the opportunity to lead, and I can make real changes. I can help the people of Earth the way I’ve always wanted to. I can love them even better now. And I can bring you back into the fold. You can make galaxies again. I want to see you like that—excited, and happy, and questing. That’s who you’re meant to be. An architect of the firmament. Why can’t you see that? You’ve fallen, and now I can help you get up. We can’t just go off together. That’s not who we are. We can’t—I can’t just throw away all my responsibilities. I love Earth. And I love you. And you were trying to say you love me too, but you couldn’t even say it. You didn’t even take off your stupid glasses when you kissed me. I felt the frames digging into my face. You should’ve told me you loved me, and I should’ve been able to look into your beautiful eyes after, and take a deep breath, and be held. But that wasn’t what that kiss was. I don’t even know what it was. You had already closed off, already said goodbye, already decided that what you want is the thing we should do, just like you did before when you asked me to go away together. I said no then too. That time we worked it out, we used our powers for good, and averted the apocalypse, we can do it again. We need to. I don’t understand how you can be so selfish.
But I forgive you.