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When I open my eyes, it is raining.
Thiago is moving around the room, following Mateo, who is running. Ciro looks at them from the sofa next to me, but never moves. When he realizes I am awake, he turns his face to smile, moving his body a little bit to proceed to hug me.
"Hi, daddy." He says. When he talks, it reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age. We are very similar in a lot of aspects, he is shy, the smallest on the pack, always unsure where to stand or where to stay. When Antonela first saw him after he was born, she rolled her eyes. You carry them for 9 months and they still end up looking exactly like their father, she said, her face bloated and tears in her eyes.
“Hi, mi amor.” I smile at him. He just makes his place more alongside me, holding me tighter.
I can see Mateo taking a turn in the corner in the room and he falls nastily. I am about to speak, but it is not necessary.
“¡Te lo dije! That if you kept running like that you were going to fall!” Sergio says from the kitchen. I hold a laugh, because he sounds angry and I don’t want to laugh when he is reprimanding the kids. I can see him leaving the kitchen to go to the living room. He puts both hands on his waist, looking like a cup, his face turning into a frown. Mateo lets out a sound that sounds like a whimper, and that’s enough to break his façade. “Oh. Oh, baby, are you okay?” He goes right where Mateo is laying, alongside Thiago, and picks him off the ground. “Oh, you are alright, baby. Don’t cry.”
Ciro stops hugging me and stands up, to go see how his brother is doing. I can hear Sergio telling Mateo a joke, kissing his cheek and making him smile to then let him in the ground. The three of them then start going around in the house again. I stand up. Walking to the kitchen, I see Benja sitting in front of the island, and when he sees me, he sits straight on the chair, smiling shyly.
“Hi, Leo.” He says. I don’t need to see Sergio’s face to know he is rolling his eyes.
“Hi, Benja.”
“I am… I am going with the kids.”
I smile while watching him leave. Sergio sighs while shaking his head.
“You are literally his other dad at this point I can’t believe he still gets nervous.” Sergio says, still shaking his head, showing me his back while he does something in front of the sink. I hold a laugh, while coming close to him. He feels warm and hot when I hug him from behind, his t-shirt covered in sweat. It’s probably going to take a while for me to get used to the weather of Miami, but it does feel comforting in a way: It just reminds me of late nights playing FIFA in a room somewhere in the world when I was just a kid, and Sergio was one too. And we were not realizing back then we were falling in love.
“He is just a kid.”
“He is gonna turn 15 soon.”
“Time flies.”
“It really does.” There is sadness and melancholia in his voice. I hug him tighter, enough so I can feel my hips against his ass, my chest against his back, both of us turning into one. Its cheesy, but everything nowadays is. He cried when I told him I was going to Miami, that we can finally have a home together. In a way, it’s what we always wanted. But the timing was never right.
Antonela looked at both of us like we were stupid when we told her our plan. Then kissed both our cheeks.
“It’s too hot to be hugging me like that.” He says, moving a little bit against me. He laughs and his whole body shakes. “We are gonna be late to your practice. Tell the kids to stop playing around and get ready. We have to drop them with Anto.”
“Okay, mi amor.”
“Do it then.”
“In a minute.”
A minute does pass.
“Oh my god.”
“Alright, alright.” I kiss his neck, and he laughs again. When I let him go, it feels like he is still next to me. It doesn’t feel like before; like when I will hug him knowing we will not be close again in a while. That it would take months to see him again. Right now, I know that when the kids are ready to go, and right after closing the door of the house, he will be inside the car, waiting for me.
“This place is so fucking hot.”
“Hi to you too.”
Antonela rolls her eyes and then smiles when she sees Kun, hugging him tightly. They start talking happily, while the kids move around them like fireflies, all of them talking at the same time. Ciro is hugging Kun’s leg with his good arm, while Mateo is pulling the fabric of Antonela's pants and Thiago is walking around them in circles saying something I cannot comprehend. Benja stands next to me, and he seems tense, as he normally is.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, looking at his face. He seems surprised that I am talking to him, his eyes big, his full and dark eyebrows getting up on his face while he makes a surprised expression, looking dumb. Just like his dad does sometimes, when his mouth is open and he is still thinking what to say.
"Yes, everything is fine." He says, and he sounds so young as he says it, a smile on his face. His hair is getting longer every day. His father's smile and his grandfather's eyes marking his face. Time goes by so fast. Sometimes it feels that it was yesterday that he was born, that Gianinna and Sergio were married and then divorced, back when the names and titles and what the press could say did matter. They were difficult years, but Sergio and I do not really talk about it. I know that Gianinna is now at peace with everything, but the fact that both of them were once sitting in a room with lawyers, signing papers and ending a fairy tale because of me, will always be a cross I will carry on my back. The things I accidentally broke. The loves I took from Sergio. Sergio always says that they do not matter in the end each time I hit my chest with my hand with guilt.
That's the thing with history. And that's the thing with endings. There are not heroes or villains. There is only people trying to follow what their hearts dictate. Sergio's heart always dictated choosing me. And even though it took me so long, mine always ended up dictating choosing him too.
"Are you sure you have to go home so soon?" I ask him, because I don't know what else I can ask him. Antonela and I are in the process of separating, and I know that whatever happened for years between Sergio and Sofía ended months ago. And Sergio and I are now together, officially, bluntly and without excuses. And I know that just as much as Ciro, Thiago and Mateo will be part of it, Benja will be too.
Sometimes I think how hard it must be for him. To stop seeing me as Uncle Leo, and now as a father. I think it will not be possible for him to do it in the end. But Benja is a good boy. He is noble and funny and a natural big brother, who has shown nothing but love to the kids ever since we invaded his life and turned it upside down. Sergio told me the other day that I underestimate him too much, that he is no longer the child I saw growing up. And I think he is right.
"Yeah." He says, smiling a little, shaking his head up and down. "Mom misses me. But at least I'll be here for your first game!" He says, and he sounds so excited. I smile back at him.
"I hope everything goes well."
"You'll do amazing. As always."
"Thank you, Benja."
"Ciro, no, baby, don't cry." I listen to Antonela talking to Ciro. When I turn to look at the scene, Ciro's eyes are covered with tears and his arm is hugging Kun's leg. "Kuni will be back soon! He's only going to the practice with daddy and then he's going to pick you guys up later."
"Don't cry, pa." Kun says, his voice soft and fatherly. Ciro looks at him, a pout on his lips, Kun's hand in his hair. "In a few hours we will come for you."
"You promise?" says Ciro, very softly.
"Of course, mi bebé." Kuni says, kneeling in front of him. He brushes his hair out of his face and touches his nose with his index finger, making Ciro smile as he scrunches his nose. "You won't even notice that I'm not here."
When we are about to leave, I can see Mateo and Thiago running inside the house. It is big enough for the children to play, but not so big that Anto feels alone. I told her when we bought it that she didn't have to be here if she didn't want to, that she could do what she wanted now.
"Sos un boludo." She told me back then. "What I want is to be close to you and the boys and Kun."
Before, in a way, it was easy to live in the dark. Antonela never had a problem with sharing. She never had a problem accepting that Sergio and I were more than what people assumed we were. She never saw it as a betrayal, and she never felt it like an arrangement. It was just how things were. But once we got to Miami, she looked at me, her eyebrows frowning. And she told me that this was the right time to do what we always assumed was going to happen.
I don't like to think that just because it all ended, it was all a lie. That she was simply another stone in the road, a pretty face to cover suspicions or the woman that stands behind a great man. I loved her and I love her now. It's just a different kind of love.
"A coin for your thoughts."
"You know that I love you, right?"
"We are literally getting divorced."
"Yeah, okay, but-"
"Always looking for the cat's five legs." She shakes her head, a smirk on her face. "Enough of this role of martyr. How boring you are. Man up a little bit."
"You used to love the martyr role."
"Well, I don't have to pretend anymore." I look at her with a raised eyebrow. She sticks out her tongue at me. "You're so ridiculous, I can't believe we're having this conversation again."
"I like to make sure everything is okay."
"You're not Captain Leo here. You're just Leo." She tells me, smiling, and then she looks to where Kun continues talking softly with Ciro, Benja trying to help his father to stop Ciro from crying. "He's so cute. Can I be the one having an extramarital affair with him now?"
"I don't think you're his type." I say. She laughs. "You could try it with Sofía."
"She's too young for me." Anto scrunches her nose. "And I think she hates us."
"I can't blame her."
"She knew what she was getting into."
"But I still can't blame her."
Sofía did not take very well the fact that Sergio and I had decided to take the bull by the horns and make the relationship public. She never liked the idea to share from the beginning, but she accepted it, and now to know that all of that had been in vain and that Sergio and I would be together now… Well, that can be a lot for someone.
She is still very young, she will understand everything later, Anto said when Sergio told us how everything went. Sergio agreed. I still feel bad for her.
"She's just a girl. She'll find someone young and handsome and move on with her life."
"You can do it too." Anto looks at me like I'm stupid. "What?"
"You're so silly sometimes. With who could I go out with, Leo? Please."
"I can introduce you to someone."
"I'd rather jump off a bridge than go out with one of your friends." She crosses her arms. There is a marked pause. She turns to look at me with a smile. "Maybe I'm in my single era."
"Um."
"I can write a song about you with Bizarrap."
"That would be fun."
"Shakira and I could go out. That would be hot."
"You are so funny sometimes."
"I am always funny!" She laughs, and she's right, she's always funny.
I still have that worried face, though, and Antonela just stares ahead. Never back at me. She says, her arms still crossed, "You made the right decision. Stop being so hard on yourself. I always knew this was going to happen."
"I wish I could make it easier for you."
"Oh Leo, stop it. I've always been cool with this. I always knew this would happen. You've always loved Kun. And this was always meant to be." She looks at me, and I look back at her. Her eyes are brown and her skin shines with sweat. She smiles at me like I'm a fool. "You made your bed, now you must sleep in it. And to be honest, it's always been the bed you were always meant to sleep in, it just took a little longer than we expected."
She touches my shoulder with her hand and I hear her tell Ciro to say goodbye to Kun, and then she turns around and enters her house, yelling at Mateo to take off his shoes before entering the living room.
Kun kisses Ciro's forehead before he turns and walks past me, his little eyes still shining with tears, to enter the house with his mother and his siblings.
When I look ahead, Kun is standing in front of the car, Benja getting into the backseat.
"Are you ready?" He asks me. And I smile at him as I nod.
"Remind me that we have to buy cereal tomorrow, please."
"Uh huh."
"And milk! We have to buy milk."
"Can you lie down, please?"
Sergio stops moving around the room and then does as I say, sitting on the bed to later lie down next to me. His back against my chest. His body fresh and smelling like soap from the shower. I embrace myself against him, my face against his neck, my legs curling up against his legs, my hands sliding to his belly.
He laughs, almost like a child would. "Dirty old man."
"You looked very handsome today."
"I shouldn't have worn that shirt; it makes me look bigger than I am."
"You looked perfect." I know Sergio is very hard on himself when it comes to his body lately. I know that sometimes he feels that time is taking its toll on him, that his time has simply passed. The Kings League has helped to distract him, and streaming makes him feel younger, more connected to the things he loved for many years and that were taken from him. But time spares no one.
Sometimes I would like to get inside his head, make a space inside his brain, kiss his skull, hypothalamus and cerebellum. Let him know that I love him since I was a teenager and that I will love him even if 18 more years go by.
I rub my hips against his backside and hear him sigh gently, barely a sound.
"The children are in the next room."
"Then be quiet."
And he does, when my hand ends up inside his pants and my hip continues to rub against the back of his body, he doesn't make a sound loud enough.
The nights after a game don't matter as much anymore.
Before, they were everything. The adrenaline, the thrill of victory, the stifling smell of defeat. Planning what comes next, thinking about strategies. Drowning myself in self-criticism, lock myself in four walls alone with my self-hatred. It was so easy before, when I was younger and everything felt lighter and more fragile. People told me I'm the best since I was a teenager, and yet it still feels like I've struggled my whole life. Like I've been running against the clock all this time.
Over time, thanks to Antonela and Sergio, I have realized that there are thousands of other things that matter much more. It matters more to be able to sleep a full eight hours, to eat home-cooked food. The warmth of a home matters more, the laughter of children. A body to wrap with my arms when the night comes.
The nights were more important. Derby nights, eternal rivals and crazy fans. Full stadiums, bright lights. Those things don't matter anymore. None of those things torment me anymore.
Mornings are better.
Thiago is watching a show on TV and he just says good morning to me without looking up when I greet him. The whole place smells like coffee, cereal, strawberries, and milk. Mateo is laughing at something that Benja is showing him on the tablet.
When I look at the kitchen island, Ciro is sitting on it, with Sergio in front of him, patiently trying to feed him. Some time it’s still needed so we can get the cast off, and he's been a big kid through it all, hardly ever crying over the itch or discomfort. Sergio is looking at him with sparkling eyes, his beard covered in milk, his voice sounding soft and cuddly. My heart flutters a little inside my chest at the image.
When I get closer, he turns to see me with a smile and it's automatic, I kiss him on the lips without a previous thought. It's quick and it's no more than a light touch, but Ciro laughs when he sees us, his cheeks flushed. I know the others pretend they haven’t seen us, but Benja is smiling a bit more and Mateo laughs too loud now.
"Good morning my love." I tell Ciro, and then kiss him on the forehead.
"You're late for training before the game." Sergio says, his voice silky. Trying to sound serious and failing. "I'm going to cut my hair before I go. And I think it would be good it the kids get theirs cut too-”
He keeps talking, but I'm not hearing anything he's saying to me. I just look at him. The whole place glows with intimacy. There is light coming through the walls made of glass. The sound of some animated series bathing the place.
As I listen to him speak, I close my eyes.