Chapter Text
The thought hasn’t left his mind since the recording of Idol Human Theater. The pastel bunny hoodie, the pink rabbit print on Hyeongjun’s shirt… and Kkito. The silly hand-made toy with a button in place of one eye that reminded Seungmin of that doll cartoon he got scared of—he didn’t want to admit it but he had already got a little too attached to Hyeongjun’s little friend.
Hyeongjun was cute. When Seungmin thinks about it, bunnies were always around him. He couldn’t help but smile when Kkito got his little gray friend, and then there were eight more new little “dreadful” friends Hyeongjun bought with that tote bag… and he’s not even talking about Bbangbbong.
In a way, Hyeongjun was always with a bunny, and, in a way, he was always the bunny himself. It wasn’t weird, or odd, or confusing. It felt just right. He loved this animal and it suited him—and Seungmin finds nothing strange about it.
“Open your ears!” he tells him, and he does. So cute.
Seungmin calls him “bunny boy” in his head, and it’s another thing, among many others, he doesn’t want to admit.
He wants to use that hoodie idea again so badly that, when he finally gets the chance to suggest it for their Show Champion outfits, he just can’t hide his excitement. Their pattern is checkered and so fall-colored, and Hyeongjun loves fall, and when he shows his bunny eyes to the fans, he can’t stop smiling, and Seungmin can’t stop smiling too, and the whole day feels like a nice dream, and he regrets nothing, and he giggles, looking at his phone, and smiles, smiles, smiles, remembering the saved picture of happy Hyeongjun in his head. He’s so happy too that he almost forgets the thought that has been haunting him for a while.
Hyeongjun is so attached to the image of a bunny, it feels natural to Seungmin to associate him with one. Hyeongjun probably associates himself with one too. The wheels have been turning in Seungmin’s head for so long, it almost makes him feel anxious just thinking about it.
The “bunny” in the phrase is right. The “boy” is probably not.
The night turns out to be so full of different emotions, he doesn’t manage to sleep.
When he opens his eyes in the morning, it’s cloudy outside and his temples are pulsing so hard it’s excruciating. That’s perhaps what you get when you don’t get enough sleep and overdo the overthinking.
Jiseok is probably still sleeping on the upper bunk. Seungmin turns over to lay on his back and stays like that for a minute (or ten) to collect himself. When morning ringing in his ears finally leaves him alone, his mind comes back to the annoying thought of his.
He probably should discuss it with Hyeongjun but… how do you even talk about things like that?
Seungmin can’t just go up to Hyeongjun and be like, “Hi, so I heard some people express themselves through the association with an animal, do you perhaps see yourself as nonbinary too?.. anyways, what are you having for lunch?” This is hilarious. He just cannot.
The worst part of it is Hyeongjun being absolutely chill about things. He doesn’t look uncomfortable being called masculine terms, but he does look a little happier when it comes to bunnies. Seungmin feels stupid. He probably just overthinks. It doesn’t make any sense. (He’s lying, every thought he has does make sense but it can also be just thoughts. What should he do?)
Queer talks are not really a topic he’s an expert in. Damn, if he was, he wouldn’t have to experience one crisis after another every two or three months. Life has never been so confusing. He has never been so uncertain of what he should feel or think.
He’s so sleep deprived and his mind is a mess, but one thing that seems to be completely true—he likes making Hyeongjun happy. The thought also makes him stay up late at night, but he’s sure. Life is more complicated than ever; they have album promotions, then there will be their first concert and all the things that are in between, and he works so hard, having another identity crisis at the same time, and maybe it’s a little too much for someone who’s just twenty years old.
But this is not fake. Seungmin has never been more sincere.
The reason why he wants to make Hyeongjun happy is a different topic, though. He's kind of a busy person, he can think about it a little bit later.
He picks up his phone to check the notifications and finds a bunny emoji in the frequently used when he wants to send a message. The biggest smile appears on his face but he doesn’t admit.
Maybe his life is really on its most confounding page of history, but him being oblivious as hell doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s 4:25 p.m. on Thursday, November 24, and Oh Seungmin brags about his bunny ears idea on Bubble.
Hyeongjun’s in a practice room, and it’s not like he stalks Seungmin or anything, but the little bird is whispering in his ear, and he just can’t not pay his attention.
It happened twice or thrice—too little to take into account if it wasn’t connected to something Hyeongjun has been keeping in secret for a while.
The first time was probably in August. He was in a practice room, having an individual lesson, and Seungmin quietly knocked on the door. He waved at him, smiling friendly through a little door window, then entered, holding something small in his hand. When he put it on the speaker that was standing on the synthesizer, Hyeongjun saw a tiny closed box that was usually used for food. In puzzlement, he lifted his eyes to Seungmin but received just one of those fox gazes of his that was a mix of cunning and excited.
Hyeongjun softly opened the box. There, on the napkin, was a cake made in the form of a bunny. There was no cream on the top of it—just frosting that looked like snow. The bunny had its eyes closed, and the little nose on its face was pale pink.
“Wanna go for a walk?” Seungmin simply asked, interrupting Hyeongjun’s thinking process.
He nodded; they did that from time to time, it wasn’t something that was new to them. What was new, though—a little cake in front of him so beautifully and carefully made, it would be a shame to eat it.
He ate it, eventually. It was a chocolate mousse with small strawberry pieces that melted the moment he put it in his mouth. He let out a sad sigh when he finished. You don’t always eat the desserts that good.
They had a great walk that day, mostly talking about their favorite moments from the “Hello, world!” promotions and recalling all the silly larks they had so far. The only thing that left him blue—he never got the chance to thank Seungmin for his little present.
Another time Seungmin caught him leaving the company building. It was the middle of October, his favorite time of the year. The evening was early; it was one of those days when your mind is free from any worries and you feel like a blank piece of paper.
“Hyeongjunie!” Seungmin called to him. “Wanna go to the dorm together?”
There were no reasons to not say “yes”. “Of course,” he answered with a nod.
Seungmin gave him a little smile and then suddenly clapped his hand to his pocket.
“I have something for you,” he said with a mischievous grin. He pulled Hyeongjun’s arm and hid the unknown something in his hand, and when Hyeongjun opened his palm, there was a small keychain with Wigglytuff.
Jooyeon and he had finished rewatching Pokémon just recently, and even though Seungmin wasn’t really their anime companion, he definitely took notice of it.
“I was just wandering around the corner shop and it reminded me of you,” he said unpretentiously.
Hyeongjun took a look at it—a round light pink bunny with greeny eyes and the swirl on its head. The toy gave him a warm feeling growing inside as if something viscous and sweet was melting in his soul. Hyeongjun felt like he was eating honey. He wondered if Seungmin knew Jigglypuff evolved into Wigglytuff using a Moon Stone.
“Thank you,” he said, feeling the bittersweet on his tongue, not sure if he was thankful for a toy or for the fact that Seungmin bought something thinking of him.
They ended up stargazing on that rooftop they found a while ago. Hyeongjun came closer right to the edge, looking down to the road, and even though he was gripping the fencing with his hands, the view still made the electric impulse go down to his calves, as if his brain was trying its best to keep him steady. It would be very helpful—he kept tripping these days, having a number of bruises on his knees afterwards.
Seungmin came to him with a smile, showing a photo on his phone. “I really really like this one.”
They did little unserious photoshoots of each other once in a while—it helped both of them with their posing ideas and was just a fun way to spend time together.
Hyeongjun looked at the picture. It was him, smiling—Seungmin somehow always managed to catch the best angles and light no matter where they were and what they did. He nodded, admitting, “You’re really good at this.”
Seungmin gave him an offended look as if his words made him deeply aggrieved. “It wasn’t just me who took part!”
Hyeongjun softly chucked, taking the compliment, and Seungmin smiled too in response.
Then, as if by agreement, they both lifted their eyes to the sky. It was clean and as deeply dark as a dream—the stars were covering the night canvas as freckles on the shoulders; the moon was waning but still beaming bright.
Hyeongjun stood enchanted. The city around them was living its life without noticing them, they somehow managed to hide themselves in this moment and keep it just to their own. Hyeongjun sadly noted that the sky would be even more attractive, widely open if they were in the countryside where city lights just barely touched the nature's genuine beauty.
He turned around, ready to tell Seungmin how beautiful the moon was today, but shut himself up, stumbling on the words. Realizing. He looked at Seungmin—as if he saw him just now for the first time; his eyes were warm and excited as well as his smile, and he was as bright as the moon, even brighter, definitely brighter. His inner light was so noticeable, alluring, almost dazzling, it made Hyeongjun wonder how he hadn’t paid attention to it before.
The moon was beautiful, indeed.
It wasn’t the moon Hyeongjun was looking at that day.
He swallowed, trying to get rid of the nervousness, and asked—a little too rushed but it was too late to take it back.
“Do you want to watch an anime with me?” he said, heart beating so loud in his chest it echoed in his ears.
“Depends on the anime,” Seungmin replied, putting a pretentious thoughtful look on his face and holding his chin with fingers.
“I don’t really know. Mob Psycho, maybe?”
“Does it have superheroes in it?” he asked, and Hyeongjun already knew from his tone that he got hooked.
He gave him a victorious smile he really tried to hide.
“It kinda does.”
So… long story short, Hyeongjun is known to be the owner of bunnies. A lot of bunnies. He has bunny toys, plushies, pins, keychains, they are the print of his clothes, his representative animal is a bunny, and he, in a way… is a bunny.
If people think he’s trying to make it his brand, they are right.
Hyeongjun doesn’t remember when it started—probably the time they were choosing their representative animals. He doesn’t remember when the realization hit him either but it was a very “oh” moment—one of those after which a lot falls into place.
He has quickly worked it out that it’s different for everyone. He didn’t get dysphoric simply because he kind of dissociated his mind and his body… sometimes forgetting he even had one. He saw his body as a mechanism rather than a predestination—with its own functions that he just happened to have. Pronouns didn’t bother him either as they were just like other words he used to communicate.
He has realized, though, with time, there were things he found displeasing. His perception of gender was so different compared to others, it seemed like he didn’t have one at all. It annoyed him when people tried to nurture the traits in him he just didn’t have—resenting afterwards because they couldn’t alter him the way they wanted. Hyeongjun felt like there were universal rules, and he was left alone with no instructions that would help him behave. Somehow people around him knew they were either men or women and the concept of woman- or manhood didn’t confuse them at all. He didn’t understand. And it hurt.
He has a vague memory from his childhood of someone very big and very adult asking him in a playful tone, “Who are you? Who are you?” and him being small and clumsy, telling them, “I’m Hyeongjun, I’m Hyeongjun!”, and then being held in arms and hearing, “You are a very good boy, baby,” that was said with a chuckle. He was warm and safe but something still didn’t feel right.
Now he knows what it is.
Maybe, trying to escape the need to make a choice between the two, he created the third option—with his own view on how to express himself. It just happened to be something small and soft, a lovely friend of his whom he chose to be on his side of this journey… a bunny.
People would probably think it’s weird if he tried to explain. Male and female were too far for him to understand, he decided to use something that was more comprehensible.
He realized he was a person, of course. It wasn’t even a question. But the animal gave him so much comfort, and it was something so much easier and closer to him, he’d really want people to associate him with one.
Hyeongjun emerges from his thoughts with a deep sigh, looking around and realizing he’s in a practice room with a guitar on his thigh and limbs that have gone numb from sitting in one position for too long. He has probably zoned out—again. He looks at the notes and then stretches a bit, annoyed, trying to get rid of the unpleasant feeling, when his gaze falls at the little Wigglytuff keychain in the pocket of his bag. He tries his best to keep the smile back but just can’t help.
He isn’t a bunny, of course, but it seems like for some people it was the first thing that came to their minds when they were thinking of him.
And honestly?
He couldn’t be happier.
Seungmin places two cups of hot cocoa with marshmallow on the coffee table in front of them.
In the hectic times of promotions like these they finally manage to steal one evening for their Mob Psycho night; they are about to start the second season, and Seungmin’s excitement is so pure and visible just like a child’s; it puts the widest smile on his face. He really can’t wait.
They are having some small talk about the weather and what they had for lunch when Jiseok pops out from Jooyeon’s and Gunil’s room, probably hearing some noises. He sharply inhales, sniffing and finding the culprit of a pleasant smell.
“You made cocoa and didn’t invite me?!” he pouts, pointing at the cups. “With marshmallows? That’s kinda gay.”
“You’re gay,” says Seungmin and throws a pillow at Jiseok with a giggle.
“Oh, shut up Mister Rainbow Sticker,” Jiseok replies, returning the pillow right to Seungmin’s face.
“It’s not my fault you announced it in June?”
“STILL? A pride sticker on insta story?”
“I am proud. My little gay friends who are in love.”
“Oh, literally shut up.”
Hyeongjun nosily watches their small bickering from his corner when Seungmin blows Jiseok a kiss, and the boy rolls his eyes, playfully annoyed.
“There is still something left if you want, pumpkin.”
“I don’t,” Jiseok says, ignoring the petname and taking two cups from a drawer. He puts some marshmallow in his mouth first and then in his cocoa and heads to the room where he’d left Jooyeon a little earlier. Hyungs are nowhere to be found.
“And maybe ‘thank you’?” Seungmin shouts as Jiseok holds an open door with his hip.
Mumbled “Mhh!” is the only answer he gets, hearing a shared laugh from an already closed room.
All Seungmin can do is gape. He raises his cup with his hand and does a little sip.
“Love made him worse,” he lightheartedly concludes, shaking his head.
Hyeongjun takes his cup too and eats the marshmallow first. It’s too sweet but it quickly melts on his tongue and nicely mixes with the taste of cocoa so he doesn’t mind.
“I actually think it made him better.”
They share looks and then share laughs.
“You’re just too nice of a person, Hyeongjunie,” says Seungmin, unpretentiously.
“I am?”
“I think you are, yeah.”
Hyeongjun smiles with just a corner of his mouth, trying to hide the growing wave of shyness inside.
He thinks of Jiseok and Jooyeon. When they started dating, no one even raised their eyebrows. Well, they actually did but rather out of excitement than surprise. And, Hyeongjun is almost one hundred percent sure, hyungs bet their money on them (considering his smile right after the announcement, Gunil hyung certainly won).
He remembers sitting on Jooyeon’s bed one warm evening of June with a wet shoulder he had kindly suggested for Jooyeon to cry on. It was a special moment for both of them—who couldn’t express their emotions well. Jooyeon was so full of love, it bursts the banks as a river; he needed to show it, to talk about it, he wanted the whole world to know how much he loved his hearted precious boy. He couldn’t, of course, that’s why Jooyeon took every chance he got to touch, to give a glance, to smile in response to a smile. Jooyeon simply cried because he was happy—to finally open his heart to others, to not keep a secret and be a secret, to have someone he could trust. And Hyeongjun was glad he found a place like that in their group of friends that were already close enough to be called a family.
Seungmin next to him cracks a cookie, drawing Hyeongjun’s attention.
When he thinks about it, Jiseok often jokes about Seungmin being gay, having a little unserious bickering right after. Hyeongjun wonders if it’s because Jiseok knows something others don’t as Seungmin never came out to them—and it’s okay, even though all of them are close, it doesn’t mean he can’t share his secrets with someone in particular. Hyeongjun really gets it but the thought still leaves a bitter taste on his tongue even if he tries his best to keep it cool.
Seungmin lets out a quiet chuckle, watching something on his phone. When Hyeongjun leans over to look what that is, he sees the recent video on EPEX’s Tiktok.
“I really liked our outfits, the checkered print and everything,” Seungmin tells him with a smile. Then he points at his little horns, and Hyeongjun’s heart misses a beat, when he says, “It was kinda funny. You were a bunny, and I was a devil.”
Hyeongjun looks at Seungmin and then at the screen, avoiding the gaze, and quietly says, “Yeah, it kinda was.”
“Did you know that most of devil characters are pansexual in media?” Seungmin suddenly asks and makes little horns with his fingers, “growing” out of his head.
Before Hyeongjun has a chance to think it all through, the question is already on his lips, being ready to be asked.
“Does it mean you’re pansexual too?”
There is a moment of silence afterwards.
Hyeongjun wants to disappear, even though it’s obvious he means it as a joke. He looks away, not being able to handle the glance.
He’s just had the thought that it was okay Seungmin didn’t tell them anything, why would he ask it then? The guilt is growing in his chest exponentially, making him overthink and already try to make an apology, when he hears a hum from Seungmin’s side.
Hyeongjun lifts his head and sees Seungmin’s thoughtful expression that reminds him too much of Jiseok’s—they’ve been living together for so long, it seems they’ve started to share each other’s little gestures.
Only when Seungmin blithely replies, “I don’t think so,” he finds out he’s been holding his breath this whole time.
He carefully watches.
“I mean, I’ve thought about it, of course,” Seungmin confesses, “but I’m not really sure?”
He takes a little sip and then his eyes fix on their TV with Netflix already being on.
“I’d rather say I’m unlabelled,” he sums up with a nod.
He puts a cookie in his mouth and throws an expectant gaze at Hyeongjun.
“And… what about you?”
There is a bewildered look in Hyeongjun’s eyes when he looks back at Seungmin.
“You don’t have to tell if you don’t want to,” he quickly adds, and his tone’s close to apologizing. “It’s not obligatory, you know.”
Hyeongjun knows. Even in a moment like this Seungmin tries his best to make the situation comfortable for him, and he appreciates it, he really does. He doesn’t notice Seungmin holding his breath, too, waiting for his response.
“I—,” he says and nervously gulps, “I don’t think I’ve met enough people to be sure either.”
Seungmin nods in understanding. He never pressures him, never making him do the things he doesn’t want, always respecting his boundaries; they had to grow together to have the trust like that. Hyeongjun sometimes thinks about how cold and withdrawn Seungmin was when they first met and how the ice in his soul melted with the time they had together as a group.
An agonizing process of opening up left their souls exposed, letting them be closer to each other as days passed. But, the closer they were getting, the harder they found it to confess. As it sometimes happens with human nature, they have already told each other so much, there are only the deepest secrets left at the bottom of their hearts.
Hyeongjun sighs. Life is so hectic but at least he knows he has someone by his side—and, for now, it is more than enough for him.
They’re five minutes into the second season, and Seungmin’s already dying out of laughter. He wasn’t so sure about the art style of an anime at first, but the more they watched, the more it was growing on him. He fell in love. The absurd and cringe mixed up with comedy and serious reflections didn’t leave him feeling at ease, and he was glad he was sharing this moment with someone. And Hyeongjun was glad he was sharing it with Seungmin, too.
When they are watching the last minutes of an episode, Seungmin can’t help but take a peek at Hyeongjun.
He won’t say it but sometimes Mob reminded Seungmin of him. “I made a decision to consider my feelings more,” he reads the lines on the screen and can’t hide a smile. Seungmin’s sure Shigeo will get it just like Hyeongjun did.
Seungmin doesn’t want to admit that sometimes he’s a little too much of a Mob too.
They’re going so slow not only because they’re busy with promotions—they’ve made a habit to discuss everything they’ve watched so far with each other afterwards. Hyeongjun doesn’t really add much as it’s already his second round of watching but Seungmin has a lot of thoughts. He jokes about the spirit being a vegan as it only gains its power from crop and Dimple being an annoying brat, but he thinks it’s one of his favorite characters.
When he wants to say a word about the ending, he exhales, ready to utter his thought, but freezes in the middle. He wants to say that he’s glad Emi opened Mob’s eyes, that coincidences like those help you grow the best, that every person in your life makes a difference even if you don't realize it at first.
Seungmin doesn’t know what he is waiting for but the sentence is stuck in his throat and he can’t tell.
Hyeongjun takes a word instead. He takes a breath and clasps his knees tighter.
“I was thinking about Shigeo and his brother,” his voice is quiet and restrained. Seungmin is careful. Hyeongjun is nervous. “You know, Jooyeon is like a brother to me I’ve never had,” he says out of the blue. It’s a confession.
“Have you ever told him that?” Seungmin asks, and there is a kind smile on his face.
Hyeongjun slowly shakes his head.
“I don’t think so.”
Seungmin purses his lips and then nods, looking back at Hyeongjun, and his eyes are deep and sincere.
“You should.”
Hyeongjun knows he’s right. He looks back at Seungmin and gives him a little smile, saying his thankfulness with a glance. His soul melts and he has a bittersweet taste on his tongue afterwards.
You need to pick up things you feel are important.
They talk for a bit, and Seungmin still manages to tell his thoughts, leaving his heart empty.
When they say goodnight, and he finally heads to his room, Jiseok is already on the upper bunk, reading some book.
“Do you need the lights on? I’m going to sleep right after the shower.”
Jiseok shakes his head. “I’m already too sleepy, you can turn it off.”
He’s asleep when Seungmin comes back from the bathroom. It’s so quiet and dark in the room, only Jiseok’s small breaths and car noises somewhere far away. Seungmin’s bed is a bit chilly but cozy, and he’s so tired all his thoughts have mixed together leaving him with none.
His falling asleep feels like drowning in honey—sweet, and viscous, and warm.
It’s a deep night when Seungmin is having a dream.
He’s in the middle of a mist with his feet in the water like it’s a shallow river, wearing a simple cotton loose shirt and pants that are a little lower than his knees. He is wandering around people he doesn’t know and who don’t know him; they are wearing the same pair of clothes and looking at him but it’s not a stare—just a confirmation of existence. He knows that the water is warm, that the shirt is softly touching his skin, that it’s a bit chilly around, but it seems like his body’s not there. As if it doesn’t exist just yet, as if he’s being a child that is just getting ready to be born. People are throwing glances, and it feels like he is the owner of nothing; he doesn’t have a reputation, he hasn’t ever gone to school, he doesn’t even own a name. His soul is clean and blank, and he is not perceived by the people around him but rather accepted.
His brain erases the memories of the dream when he wakes up, leaving him unaware of what his subconsciousness was willing to tell him. The only thing that is left—the warm feeling that reminds him of a mother’s arms that were holding him in embrace in his sleep from the times he didn’t know he still remembered.