Work Text:
There is an important difference which we must establish between the tellings of an event and the actual occurrence of said event. For example, when a policeman is writing up their report on an arrest, they would not write out every single insult that the criminal they were arresting had thrown their way, in part because it would take up too much unnecessary time and paper, but also because they do not want their coworkers to know that they were called a ‘limp tissue’ that morning.
A similar situation has happened many a time throughout history, and nowhere has it been more prevalent than in the Bible itself. An example here would be at the beginning of the Christmas Story. The Bible provides an easy-to-read, clear summation of this tale, which includes the beginning where one certain Angel informs Mary of her pregnancy. The way it tells it, the events occur as such:
In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, 'Greetings, you who are highly favoured! The Lord is with you.'
Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favour with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.'
'How will this be,' Mary asked the angel, 'since I am a virgin?'
The angel answered, 'The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.'
'I am the Lord's servant,' Mary answered. 'May it be to me as you have said.' Then the angel left her.
However, in this particular case, the Angel Gabriel was the ‘limp tissue’ - which is to say, he was not nearly as intelligent or calm a presence as was described above. This story went another way:
***
According to Heaven, there was a very important Thing that was about to go down on planet Earth. Nobody had been told of the details, but the rumour was that it would be as important as The Beginning. Of course, when God needed an Angel to help deliver Her message, She turned to Her closest servant - the Archangel Gabriel.
Upon receiving the knowledge of the forthcoming Son, Gabriel was soon told of his own task. He was to transport himself to the Human world and let the chosen Mother (a woman named Mary) know that she was to have the privilege of bearing God’s child. It had been a while since the last time Gabriel had been on Earth, and he found himself not completely opposed to the idea. (Not that he had much choice, anyhow. If God had asked him this task, he wouldn’t want to delegate to another.)
In a sudden flash of light and clap of thunder, Gabriel found himself standing in the mortal world. He took a moment to stand still, feeling the morning light shine on his fully corporeal form and allowing himself to take in the senses. It was early in the morning, and he could hear nothing except the small noises of little creatures, which included the sheep that he was currently standing next to.
Ah. That might also explain the smell. Looking around to check that nobody was near, he snapped his fingers and was immediately standing on the road outside the sheep field, wiping the dirt which had collected on the soles of his shoes onto a nearby stone. He supposed his materialisation skills must be slightly rustier than he had assumed. However, as he stood straight back up once more, he turned to see a figure walking towards him, clad in a royal dark blue outfit and a white shawl wrapped around her shoulders and head. Instantly, something inside him clicked, and he knew that he had at least managed to materialise himself to the correct human.
“Greetings, human.” He spoke loudly, walking up towards the woman, who he knew to be Mary, and opening his arms wide in welcome. She, in turn, looked towards him, a confused frown on the front of her face. “I am the Archangel Gabriel, and the Lord has put his faith into you, the favoured one.”
His grin never left his face as he spoke. He was expecting some sort of positive reaction from Mary - after all, it wasn’t often that an Angel visited a human, let alone the perhaps most important Angel in Heaven. However, in response, he received a deeper frown, etched with even more confusion and distrust, and his smile faltered slightly.
“Are you quite alright?” she asked. Gabriel’s smile returned. Oh, how the Lord had chosen wisely! A kind soul stood before him, he was sure of it - one who put others before themselves, even when in the face of life-changing news such as this.
“You are as selfless as God above assured me you were. I am perfectly fine, mortal, yet you are the one who is more likely to be feeling different. I am here to bring you great news, such great news, that will change the lives of every human on this planet!”
He received a blank stare. “Sir, do you need to sit down?”
“What?” His face froze once more. “No, Mary, I have just told you that I am absolutely fine. Are you sure you are okay?”
“How do you know my name?” Mary asked, fright beginning to show on her face. Oh dear, Gabriel thought. He had hoped not to frighten this particular human during his visit.
“I am an Angel; we know everything there is to know about Humanity.”
“I don’t believe you,” she deadpanned.
Gabriel spluttered, choking on air that he didn’t need to be inhaling, as he was not a mortal and thus had no use for breathing. “You don’t believe me? I’m the-" he spoke, then reined himself in. After all, he was the voice of God, and it would not do to be seen raising his voice as so. “I am the Archangel Gabriel, and I have good news for you!”
“You don’t look like an Angel,” Mary spoke again, not noticing Gabriel twitch in his stance. “I always thought Angels had blond hair. And a halo, with white wings, and could fly.”
Throughout the years, Humans had created art and stories about the Bible and the Angels inside it. However, the way they told the stories included a lot of embellishments, and it was greatly prevalent in the descriptions of Angels. Gabriel did not know how or why Humans thought of Angels in the way they did but found himself thoroughly annoyed at whichever mortal decided to paint their image in this way while he was stood, trying to converse with the soon-to-be Mother of God’s child. “Then I am afraid you must have thought wrong.”
“It’s not what the paintings show,” Mary stubbornly reasoned, and Gabriel sighed.
“The paintings are wrong,” he said. “And even if they weren’t, it would be impossible for your mortal mind to comprehend any of my Angelic forms even if I tried to show you. You’re going to have to take my word for it.”
“Prove it.”
Gabriel could’ve sworn he heard a quiet cackle coming from the right of him, but could only assume it was nature around him laughing at his desperate attempt to convince Mary of his Angelicism.
“Fine.” He blinked, and suddenly every single sheep in the field next to him had fallen over.
Mary looked absolutely stricken with shock. “Did you just?!” She took a breath. “You killed all of those sheep?”
Gabriel turned to the sheep and suddenly went pale. He reached out with his mind but received no aura in response from the animals, no background buzzing of their mundane, boring lives. He had just killed the sheep. “I didn’t mean- they weren’t supposed to all die! ” he spoke, turning back to Mary, who had a look on her face of great fear.
“You just killed a herd of innocent animals?” she cried as Gabriel cringed.
“... Yes?” He offered, grimacing. “Look, do you at least believe I am an Angel now?”
“You are certainly not a Human being,” she said. “But to call you an Angel, why - I would be more inclined to call you a Devil!”
That stung. Gabriel really had not meant to kill, only to put the animals to sleep for a while. It wasn’t his fault that sheep were weaker creatures than he had assumed them to be. “Look, I come from God, who has the great news that you are pregnant with Her Son! Congratulations!”
Mary paused once more. And took in a deep breath. “Archangel Gabriel,” she began. “I am a Virgin.”
Gabriel really didn’t have an idea what this word meant, except that God had told him to inform the Virgin Mary that she would carry Her child - in which case, God already knew of the meaning of this word, and what’s more - God expected him to have understood what it meant.
“Surprise?” he called, unsure. Mary made a very angry-sounding noise and turned around, determinedly walking away from him. Gabriel walked quickly behind her as she stalked towards what must be her home, calling for her as he did so. “Mary! This isn’t a joke! When you give birth to him, you must call him Jesus, and he-”
The door slammed shut in his face. Gabriel knew very well that he could’ve miracled it open and chased Mary further to convince her of the truth, yet felt that it would be prudent of him to enter the Virgin Mary’s home when she had made it explicitly clear that she didn’t want him there. In any case, he had succeeded in passing God’s message on to her, despite the fact that she didn’t believe it.
“I’m sure she’ll realise I was telling the truth when she feels him inside her, anyway,” he muttered and turned around. As he did so, he heard the cackling from earlier start up again, although this time, he could tell exactly where it was coming from.
Standing before him, in all of zir glory, was none other than the Prince of Hell zirself - Beelzebub. And ze was laughing (laughing!) at Gabriel. Full-on cackling, the sort that left zir bent over down zir middle and unable to speak.
Gabriel bristled and stood up straight. “What are you laughing at?” He asked cooly, despite knowing that he looked as stupid as, say, a limp tissue.
Beelzebub tried to stand up straight zirself, only partially succeeding between bouts of laughter. Flies were swarming around zir head, as per usual, though the boils that attached themselves to zir head were gone, replaced instead by clear skin. The fly that sat at the top of zir hair was unfortunately still there and seemed to be joining in on the laughter as well. Ze was wearing a loose black robe which was similar in style to what Mary had been wearing, and Gabriel looked down at his own outfit. Perhaps he ought to have checked in on the current fashion in Nazareth, as it would seem Northern fashion really wasn’t the same as here. Maybe that would’ve made him seem more approachable to Mary.
“You’re -” Beelzebub spoke between laughs. “You’re such an idiot!”
Gabriel let out a ‘hrmp’ noise at this.
“Oh, come off it,” Beelzebub said once ze had calmed down a little more. “Even you could see how stupid you looked! You should learn to laugh at yourself!”
And then Gabriel was back in Heaven, standing at the boundary between Heaven and Nothing and looking wonderfully at the figure in front of him, who was laughing their head off. And something about them made Gabriel want to join in, as he looked into their crinkled-up eyes and golden eyelashes and-
Then he was back in the present, looking at his enemy coldly laughing at his mistake. There was an ache in his heart as he shook the memories away. “I’m the Archangel Fucking Gabriel. I don’t laugh,” he spoke, with as much malice in his words as he could muster.
“Alright,” Beelzebub said, sounding as patronising as a Mother would to their child. “I can’t believe you killed all of those sheep, though. Super angelic of you, Archangel Fucking Gabriel.”
Gabriel reddened. “Look, I’ve not been on Earth for ages. I thought it would be like putting humans to sleep.”
“Oh, just think of the poor farmers and their families who will be without food next year. Think of the famine they’ll experience; think of the sinning they have to do to steal other food.” Beelzebub laughed.
“Shut up.”
“And the poor children too? Ah, Heaven is most cruel!”
“Why are you even here?” Gabriel spat out, trying to change the conversation. As if he didn’t already feel bad enough for murdering harmless creatures, the Prince of Hell was now rubbing it in his face. He was already dreading the paperwork that he would have to do to explain this.
“Me?” Beelzebub answered, feigning confusion. “We do hear things down in Hell. This whole business with the Son of God joining the mortals is something our side is very interested in, too.”
“The Virgin Mary will deliver the Son, and Heaven will finally triumph over Hell,” Gabriel said proudly.
Beelzebub snorted quietly. “You actually call her that? The Virgin Mary?”
“Yes. Why’s that so funny?” Gabriel asked defensively, trying to hide his gap in knowledge
“The Virgin Mary?” Beelzebub questioned. “Heaven murders innocents, but at least it has a sense of humour!”
“I don’t get what’s so funny about that name!” Gabriel replied angrily.
This only caused Beelzebub to laugh harder, and something inside Gabriel suddenly got mad. How dare the Prince of Hell be allowed so much enjoyment, at his expense, when ze had done nothing to deserve it? Demons shouldn’t be allowed to laugh!
“You don’t know what being a virgin means?” ze asked, and upon seeing Gabriel’s blank face, grinned wider. “Oh, poor Gabriel. Do you need me to explain it to you?”
“No!” he replied hotly.
“Well, as a Demon, I really shouldn’t be helping an Angel, but since this is kind of our domain…” ze began, and Gabriel would’ve tried to stop zir if he hadn’t been so stupidly curious by now. “So, when they are born, every woman starts off as a virgin - a woman being the ones with a -”
“I know what a woman is, Beelzebub; don’t fucking patronise me.”
“- alright! So every woman starts off a virgin, but then they grow older and start to develop, and sometimes they’ll fall in love with somebody else!” ze explained, and Gabriel nodded. Love, he could understand. He knew very personally what love felt like.
“Go on.”
“And then, she becomes intimate with that person, and boom! She loses her virginity,” ze finished, smirking at Gabriel. It takes a moment for zir to realise that Gabriel still didn’t understand.
“Intimate?” he questioned, and Beelzebub stopped.
“Yeah. You know what intimate means, right?” When Gabriel didn't reply, ze laughed once more. “Sex, Gabriel. When a woman first has sex, they lose their virginity.”
Gabriel nodded once more. “Ah, right. Sex. That… thing. That humans do. With a lot of ... intimacy.”
Beelzebub paused zir laughter to stare at the Angel. “Please don’t fucking tell me you don’t know what sex is?”
“No, I do not,” Gabriel stated firmly, hoping that his face wasn’t showing the complete embarrassment and humiliation he was currently feeling. “I don’t make it my business to know about Human cultures, particularly.”
“I’m not going to explain this one to you,” Beelzebub said, rolling zir eyes. “You are one of the most stupid, idiotic creatures I’ve ever spoken to. Why on earth would God send you down to explain to the Virgin Mary that she’s pregnant?”
Gabriel’s eyes hardened, and he frowned. He was getting particularly sick of this demon. “You do not question what God does or doesn’t do.”
Beelzebub pulled a face. “That’s the whole point of being a demon! To oppose God’s every move and take mortal souls away from Heaven!”
“You’re actually detestable,” Gabriel muttered. “I don’t know why I’m still here, conversing with you. I’m going to leave now.”
“Good!” ze replied, shouting zirself now. “Take your dumbass brain back up to Heaven. And while you’re explaining how well your mission with Mary went, why don’t you ask God to tell you how sex works?”
As ze spoke, Gabriel turned away, not paying zir any attention. He twisted round and, with a loud clap of thunder, disappeared from the earth, leaving a smug yet frustrated Demon on the street by zirself. Ze shrugged, and the floor beneath zir opened up, taking zir down into the depths of Hell once more.