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Her parents’ anniversary party is not where she wants to be right now, but she’s got Sarah to keep her company, and while things with the other Pogues feel like a tangled mess, there’s nothing she can do about it after promising that she’d keep her distance from them.
When Kiara sees John B pull Sarah aside, intent painted clearly on his face, she knows that JJ has to be somewhere around, and her heart speeds up, stupidly hopeful. John B and JJ have been glued to each other’s sides lately, doing who knows what. Off on some adventure that they haven’t bothered to fill the rest of them in on, she can’t help but think bitterly.
She’s incredibly happy that Big John’s alive, that John B has his dad back after spending so long wondering and hoping and searching for any clue as to what happened to him. It still feels a bit like a miracle after he disappeared for such a long time.
But everything’s felt different since they came home, since Big John’s return She can’t put her finger on it, but John B’s been secretive, slipping away by himself. JJ’s been acting distant, pushing her away. Pope and Cleo have had their own things going on. Sarah’s been dealing with way more than anyone their age should have to, her dad manipulating her into meeting earlier today just the most recent item on the list. Ward being back on the island just feels like one more problem in a long line of them.
It’s making her anxious, not knowing what everyone is doing, feeling like she’s been left out of the adventure. In Poguelandia they spent all their time together, and ever since their homecoming, she’s felt so much distance between everyone. The Pogues are supposed to be a team, and she can’t help but feel the fracture lines running between them. Like all it will take is one wrong move and the group will shatter, breaking into pieces that might not ever fit back together again. They’re all messed up – between Sarah and John B, and whatever is happening with Topper, and Pope’s determination to get back into school and graduate, while Cleo just wants a normal life.
And JJ. So much has happened between them – has changed between them – and she just wishes that he would stop and talk to her. He’s pretending he doesn’t care, like she doesn't mean anything to him, but she knows that’s not true.
It’s a typical JJ response to something he’s not ready to deal with. Like she said to Sarah earlier, all she wants is to argue about it – get everything out into the open so they can move past what happened with her dad. She needs to talk about the moment between them on the boat, his stupid stunt with the bike, all of it. She can’t quite focus on anything else when things feel so off kilter between them. It doesn’t feel right, and she wishes she’d been able to explain more to Sarah.
Sometimes it feels like she has no one to talk to. Like her friends are all busy with their own things and no one thinks to ask how she’s doing with all the shit going on. It feels kind of stupid to be worrying about something so trivial in the midst of the chaos, but she can’t help the isolation that overwhelms her when she’s trying so hard to be there for everyone, while dealing with her own problems alone.
She’d thought maybe Sarah was going to ask earlier, but they’d been interrupted by the message from Wheezie, and she’d left with a quick apology before Kiara could get any further into what was happening with her and JJ.
So when John B appears in the middle of the party looking like he’s been through the wringer, she knows JJ must be here too, and her stomach flips wondering what they’ve been up to. If they’re okay.
She finds him crouching behind the fence, hiding terribly, and he tries to pretend like nothing is wrong. Like it’s just a normal day, sputtering some crazy story about South America and Big John getting nabbed. Her brain feels like it’s trying to put together a puzzle with half of the pieces missing, because she has no idea what he’s talking about.
Her fingers wrap around the fence separating them, and it feels like she’s toeing one of those fracture lines, delicate and oh so breakable. She can feel it winding a path between them, placing them on opposite sides.
She can’t help the laugh of disbelief that escapes her when he asks if she’s gonna come. Of course he’s here because of some insane treasure hunt, some problem that they need her help with. Of course he’s not here to actually talk to her.
“I mean, you come in here after stealing from my dad, like, hey we’re all good, like, let’s go to South America?” she says incredulously, stopping his rambling because she can’t just go to South America, even if Big John is in trouble.
Doesn’t he realize that she has more going on in her life, that she’s frantically trying to hold the fragile pieces together so she doesn’t lose everything? She can’t just drop it all and run off to South America.
His eyes dart off to the side, his manic energy fading a bit when she doesn’t immediately agree to his plan. “So, is that a no?” he asks, and she can see the disappointment that he’s fighting to hide. “You’re just gonna ghost us.”
Hot anger whips through her at his casual dismissal. It’s not even about that. It’s about them, and furious tears sting her eyes because he’s treating her like she’s just some girl. Like she’s not the person he sought out over and over on the island. Like they didn’t whisper late into the night, sharing their thoughts and secret dreams.
Like they hadn’t almost kissed. Like there was nothing between them at all.
“Jage, I’ve been wanting to talk since we got off the island,” she says desperately, like if she just says it enough times maybe he’ll finally hear her. “We need to talk.”
Everything feels so off, and she tightens her grip around the fence as though that’s going to help her hold still when her very foundations are shaking. She’s always thought JJ was her ride or die, that they were the B team, that he was someone who’d have her back no matter what. But it’s like he’s a stranger as he backs away, arms lifting out to the sides, nodding as though she’s done exactly what he figured she would.
“What is wrong with you?” she says quietly, after he snaps some nonsense about her dad and the money clip. She can see the way he’s frantically throwing up defenses, trying to ignore the emotions painted clearly on her face, still pushing her away at every turn. Her breath shudders out of her as he slows his escape.
“You’re really acting like you don’t care?” she calls out, louder this time, emotion making her voice crack, her eyes wide and wet. “I mean, seriously, you’re acting like I don’t care? Like, I love you, dude.” She holds the fence so tightly she thinks it might break under her grip, her heart in her throat as she watches a myriad of emotions play across his face.
The words hang between them, and they feel enormous but not at the same time. Like it's something that's always been there between them, just below the surface. They spill out of her in a desperate attempt for him to just stop and see that she’s standing here, waiting for him. Hoping that he’ll slow down and actually talk to her and stop acting like he’s completely unaffected.
He sputters a bunch of nonsense that makes her heart sink, his hands flying to his head, eyes squeezed shut before fixing her with a look that sends her breath shuddering from her chest. The stuttered thanks , immediately brushing it off, like he can’t even begin to comprehend that she might actually love him.
But then he’s coming back towards her, and she wants to reach out and grab on to him. Hold him by the shoulders and make him understand that she’s standing here because she cares. Because she wants to figure out what’s happening between them. That she’s always gonna be here for him, no matter how hard he tries to push her away.
“Look, it’s not gonna work. Okay?” he says in a low voice.
She recognizes the rough, shaky tone – it means he’s backed into a corner and is lashing out. It’s the way he’s always reacted to anything he viewed as a threat, and she wants to cry because apparently she now falls into that category.
She can see the thinly veiled panic in his eyes, in the way his hands won’t stop moving, their constant motion spurred on by the uncertainty rushing through his veins. Part of her wants to reach out, to force her fingers to loosen their death grip on the fence dividing them and place her hand on his. They’ve always been able to say so much more with just a touch or a shared look than with words, but right now she doesn’t think that she can even reach across the divide between them as he pulls further and further away.
But she had to say it. She couldn’t not say it, not when he’s acting like there’s nothing between them. Like she’s just some random person, or one of the other Pogues who he’s just trying to get to come on his insane mission. Like everything that had happened between them, the delicate tendrils of something new starting to bloom, didn’t mean anything.
The words had just slipped out, and she’s sure he could hear the desperation laced within them. How badly she needs him to turn around and actually see her. Not just look at her, or look past her, or the other bullshit he’s been doing.
But see her standing there, her heart pounding in her throat, her stomach in knots, chest heaving as she lays it out for him. To see how much she cares about him. She loves him. All the difficult parts, the messy bits, everything. And she wishes he’d just stay and talk to her instead of running away, because it’s all she can think about.
He’s all she can think about.
And as much as he might want things to be different, she can’t just turn off her feelings for him. Not like he apparently can.
Tears well in her eyes, and she knows the moment he notices how upset she is, because his expression changes, a faint shudder running through his body before he stiffens and backs away.
But he doesn’t soften, doesn’t reach out or move closer.
“I’m gonna go help my best friend save his father,” he says, but it feels like he’s saying something else.
I thought you’d have my back. I thought we were a team. You’re letting me down.
But she can't be on his team when she keeps being left out and pushed aside. When he just randomly appears at the worst possible time, when things are shaky with her parents, when he’s been acting like a fucking idiot for days, avoiding her and pretending like nothing happened. She can’t just ignore all of that and take off with him on an insane adventure to another continent.
“Maybe I’ll see you at the break when I get back,” he adds when she doesn't say anything, can’t find any words that aren’t stop and please and I love you even when you’re terrified and acting like an idiot.
But she can’t say it again. Can’t force any words out of her shuddering chest, her throat clogged with tears. Because she keeps trying. She can’t stop trying, actually, to show him that she cares. Not since he yelled at her in his backyard and she fully realized just how deep his wounds went. The depths of the darkness that he believed ran through his veins.
She can’t say it again, but she doesn’t feel it any less, the words like giant flapping wings in her chest.
“If I get back,” he adds bitterly, a final jab at her heart, like he thinks she’s refusing because she doesn’t care about him. About what happens to John B, about any of it.
The problem is that she cares too fucking much, actually. She can’t sleep, can’t eat properly, because there’s a constant knot in her stomach the longer she goes without talking to JJ. The closeness they’d found on the island disappears more and more each day as the divide between them grows, and all she wants is to be let in.
She misses him, even though he’s standing right in front of her. She just wants to be close to him, wants him to understand that she doesn't need him to be anything other than himself. She doesn’t need the Kook life bullshit or whatever the hell else – she just needs him.
He backs away, eyebrows raised like he’s daring her to say something different, to keep fighting with him, and when she doesn’t rise to the challenge, he turns around with a disgusted scoff.
It feels like more than just this moment is on the line. It feels like it’s them, too – the possibility of ever becoming more, of acting on their feelings. Because she knows that he cares about her. The charged moments keep piling up – the island, the boat, his backyard.
But hearing him say that nothing is ever gonna happen between them makes her wonder if maybe he’s right. If she’s the only one who’s making an effort, who wants to work things out, desperate to talk to him, well… maybe that’s not enough.
If he’s just going to keep pushing her away, running off to fucking South America instead of talking to her, is there even a point in trying anymore?
She loves him. It’s not like that’s going to change. But maybe she just needs to step back and let him figure out his feelings on his own. He knows how she feels, whether he’s able to accept it or not. Now it’s up to him to decide what to do about it.
As she watches him walk away, his final words ringing in her ears, she knows that he doesn’t mean everything he said. Knows that’s how he processes things, reacts in a heated moment by lashing out.
You’re a Kook, Kiara.
He’d shouted that at her too and hadn’t truly meant it. He’d regretted it the moment the words left his lips. She could see the remorse on his face, the slight wince, eyes flicking away to avoid looking at her hurt expression.
But it doesn’t make her heart hurt any less as she watches him stalk down the dock, his hands in his hair.
She’s never said that to anybody before. Not like that. Not in a way that makes her throat thick with emotion, her eyes blurry with tears at his reaction. The way he barely acknowledged it, taking her love and basically throwing it back in her face because he couldn’t handle it.
It probably hurts more than it should, because she knew that saying it wouldn’t change anything. JJ’s never been able to accept genuine emotion and affection, brushing it off before it can sink its teeth into him. She’s sure it’s got a lot to do with his dad, his reluctance to believe that anyone could actually feel that way about him, that anything good could happen for him.
Her heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of her chest and chase after him down the dock, begging him to stop and come back and talk to her. But that’s not going to happen, and as he disappears from view she lets out a breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding.
She takes a moment to collect herself, wiping at her face, swallowing the threat of any more tears. She can’t go back to the party looking like a mess. Her parents will ask questions that she doesn’t want to answer.
But she’s got lots of experience with pushing down the things she’s not ready to face and slapping on a smile that says she’s fine. She’s happy.
And after her chest loosens and she feels like she can breathe properly, she forces herself to let go of the fence and return to the party. She smiles and nods and holds conversations with people she couldn’t care less about, while her heart is with someone else, and she wishes she could just disappear.
***
No one feels much like partying after the fight, and people head home soon after, leaving only a few lingering guests. Her parents tell her and Sarah they can both go, and Kiara’s never been happier to listen to them.
They get wine drunk, both of them crowded together into the porch swing at her house after swiping a couple bottles from the bar. There’s tears on Sarah’s cheeks, and Kiara’s heart feels like it’s cracked open, a tender wound that hurts when she pokes at it.
Sarah explains more about what happened between her and Topper and John B. She’s so confused about everything and Kiara can’t blame her.
When they drag themselves inside and climb into bed, it feels like old times again. Her and Sarah smushed together, their heads sharing a pillow, drunk off stolen coolers and giggly.
Only tonight they’re not giggling because it feels like everything has changed.
“I told JJ I loved him tonight,” she whispers into her dark bedroom, giving voice to the one thing that she can’t stop thinking about after everything that happened today.
There’s a long pause before Sarah speaks up. “You… Oh my god Kie, that’s huge. What did he say?”
Kiara can’t help the wet laugh that escapes her. “He said thanks. And then he told me it was never gonna work out.”
Sarah scoffs. “That idiot.”
“Yeah,” Kiara says in a small voice. Her eyes well again, and fuck, she needs to get herself together. She can’t keep crying about JJ. She is not that kind of girl – the girl who loses herself in a guy, who makes her entire being about him. That’s never been who she is, and she refuses to allow her life to revolve around what’s happening between them.
But right now she’s drunk and sad, and he just told her things were never gonna work out, and she just–she needs this time to wallow before she pulls herself together and figures her shit out.
“Are you okay?”
Sarah’s hand finds hers and she winds their fingers together with a quick squeeze before letting go. Kiara blinks back tears at the small comfort. She’s felt so alone since they got back, with everyone pulled into their own drama, and the one person she wanted to be with running in the opposite direction. She’s no stranger to feeling alone, but after the island and the freedom she and JJ felt to just be themselves and let whatever was building between them happen, well. It was a harsh slap in the face coming back to Kildare and suddenly losing all of that closeness she’d come to rely on.
“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “I want to be, but it… I just know he doesn’t mean it. All the shit he’s been saying since we came back.”
The pit in her stomach widens as she remembers the way he’d frozen when those three words had spilled out. The tension in his muscles, his hands rising to rake unsteadily through his hair as he stuttered out disconnected words like his brain couldn’t comprehend what she’d said.
Sarah remains silent, and Kiara’s so grateful that she’s there beside her, someone who’s willing to listen to the thoughts and worries that have been spiralling in her brain since they came back – a tidal wave of emotion that she’s been drowning under on her own.
“It’s like... He doesn’t think he deserves it,” she says eventually, not wanting to spill too much of JJ’s inner struggle to Sarah. It feels personal and it’s not her secret to tell, but the way he’s been acting since they got back to the Outer Banks hasn’t been very subtle. “Like, I care about him so much, and then he goes and drives his bike off a bridge and doesn’t think it’s gonna affect me?”
She scrubs a hand over her face, breathing out a heavy sigh. The terror she’d felt during those few heartstopping moments when she thought that something happened to him won’t ever leave her. It doesn’t matter that he was all right in the end, it made it very clear to her just how strong her feelings are. Just how important he is to her.
Sarah shifts, the blankets rustling. “Kie, it’s JJ… I don’t know him that well, but hasn’t he always been reckless?”
She chews on her lip, because Sarah’s not wrong. JJ has always been a daredevil, willing to jump into just about anything. “Yeah, but it’s all different now. It all means more.”
That’s what’s really bothering her. The way he’s retreated, brushing off her concern like she’s just another Pogue. Like there’s nothing happening between them.
It’s probably all the wine, but she finds herself continuing to speak. She and Sarah haven’t had a real chance to talk since they got back because everything’s been so crazy. And she should probably be letting Sarah work through her shit with John B, but a part of her wants to be selfish and talk about what she’s been going through too.
“We almost kissed,” she says, and she can hear Sarah’s quick inhale of shock. “It’s happened a few times now, actually, like we’re just continually drawn together over and over, and I know he feels the same way. I can see it in his eyes, in the way he touches me so carefully. But he won’t let himself give in. Move forward. Whatever.”
It feels a little baring, laying it all out, but she needs to talk about it with someone.
“And then tonight, he shows up, trying to get me to go on some rescue mission to South America. With no context, no nothing, not since he stole from my dad. Acting like I’m just some random person, like there’s nothing between us.”
“He cares about you, Kie. I know he does,” Sarah says. “He thinks he’s being subtle but I can see it.”
Kiara’s rolls over to face her friend, curious to know what she’s noticed.
Sarah twists her lips before speaking. “It’s just… the way he looks at you, he’s always aware of where you are. And I know you’d sneak away on Poguelandia together.”
“Nothing happened,” Kiara protests, remembering the long nights when she couldn’t sleep. “It was just… we’d keep each other company.”
“What about the moment I walked in on?” Sarah teases, reminding her about an almost she’s nearly forgotten about now.
“That was just… it was the very beginning. Right when things felt like they were shifting.” She rolls on to her back, facing the ceiling. “I just… I know what I feel, and like, yeah, it’s scary. Falling for your best friend, feeling like everything is changing. That it all could go wrong and blow up. But here I am, pushing past that fear because I just… I don’t know. I think it’s worth it. That he’s worth it y’know?”
Sarah hums as Kiara feels her chest tighten, her throat thick. She can’t talk anymore, doesn’t have any more words, but Sarah seems to sense that and laces their fingers together once more. She squeezes tight and silence falls between them.
After a while, Sarah speaks up, her voice soft. “He’ll come around, Kie. I do think he feels the same way. He’s just scared.”
Kiara knows he is, but hearing someone else say it gives her beliefs some validation, and she’s so grateful that she was finally able to talk about this with Sarah. The weight on her shoulders feels a bit lighter now that she’s shared part of the load.
“Yeah,” she chokes out.
Sarah drifts off to sleep after that, but Kiara is still wide awake, her mind unable to slow down and relax. After lying in the dark for what feels like hours, she carefully climbs out of bed, tiptoeing through the quiet house, slipping on a pair of sneakers and stepping out the back door. Sarah’s bike is propped nearby and she climbs on, needing to move her body, feel the wind in her hair and let her muscles burn to exhaustion, so maybe she’ll be able to sleep.
She starts pedalling with no destination in mind. The town is quiet, the hush of darkness blanketing everything. Her legs pump hard until she realizes where she’s ended up and she slows to a stop, toes skittering across the gravel.
There’s a lone figure standing down at the dock, leaning against the railing and silhouetted by the moonlight. His shoulders stiffen, his head turning just slightly like he somehow knows she’s there, and she thinks back to what Sarah said – that he’s always aware of where she is. She can’t help but think she must be the same, her legs bringing her to the Chateau of all places, like something within her demanded to be close to him, despite their earlier argument.
She hesitates. Should she just leave? She should probably just leave. What more is there to say? They already hurled enough words at each other earlier. If she walks over there will it just lead to another argument?
She can see the illuminated tip of a joint, billows of smoke drifting through the air as he exhales. What she wouldn’t give to be able to just go to him, playfully elbow him and make a stupid joke as she steals the joint from his fingers. Let her arm rest against his as they wait out the night together, both unable to find sleep.
It reminds her of those first nights on Poguelandia, when she couldn’t close her eyes without the suffocating feeling of water closing over her face, the weight of JJ’s body held tightly against hers. When she would traipse through the sand towards the water, the crashing waves her foe, but also a familiar friend as she sat under the moonlight. Not too long after, footsteps would follow her and then another familiar friend would settle beside her in the sand.
Somehow he just knew when she needed him, and god, she misses that closeness so much . Sometimes it feels like she’s looking at a stranger, like this boy who she’s grown up with, who she loves, has changed into someone she doesn’t recognize. Someone who refuses to talk to her, who doesn’t remember their whispered promises of a surf trip, of always being there no matter what.
Tears sting her eyes as she stares at him from the driveway, her fingers tight around the handlebars of the bike. His shoulders bunch around his ears, lifting the joint to his lips every so often. He’s so still, almost unnaturally so, and everything in her screams to go to him, demanding that she keep pushing, keep showing up. Eventually he’ll see that she’s not going anywhere and open the door and let her in.
She almost goes, getting as far as swinging one leg off the bike before pausing when he turns around.
Their eyes meet and hold and it’s a million different things all at once. There’s an ocean separating them but feelings rush through her like a tidal wave, nearly sweeping her off her feet. Fear and worry, uncertainty and determination. Stubbornness and a flash of frustration. And underneath it all, the warm thrum of their connection. The same one she’s felt for years. Since they were kids if she’s being honest, when she thought of JJ just a little differently than the other boys, even if she had no idea why at the time.
It’s familiar and she lets it sink into her, the reminder that if nothing else, they’ll always have that. They’ll always be JJ and Kiara, whether he’s running off on a wild goose chase to South America or avoiding her because he’s scared that things are going to change.
He’s too far away for her to see him clearly, but she can feel him, and she knows that if she goes over there, it’s going to make things worse than they are and she doesn’t think she can handle that. He knows how she feels, what she wants, and it’s up to him to take the next step and show her that he heard her. That he’s ready to talk.
So as much as it pains her, as much as she’d like to feel the comfort of his arm around her shoulder or the familiar heat of an argument, she doesn’t.
Instead she climbs back on the bike, still holding his gaze. She thinks his shoulders slump, his face falling, but he doesn’t move any closer, doesn’t move to chase after her. He’s not ready, and as much as it hurts, she doesn’t know when he will be. But she can’t keep pushing and chasing him, when it’s killing her every time he rejects her.
And so with a final rueful smile and her heart in her throat, she braces her feet against the pedals and bikes down the driveway. She lets the cool breeze dry the tears on her cheeks as it feels like everything is falling apart, like she’s leaving the one thing she cares about the most behind.
She doesn't know when she’ll see him again, and his echoing words from earlier race through her mind. If I get back . Something dark unfurls in her chest, but she doesn’t turn around, pedalling harder and harder until she’s gasping for air, skidding into her own driveway and stumbling off the bike, bracing her hands on her legs.
It’s gonna be fine. It has to be. They aren’t just going to jet off to South America in the blink of an eye, she reminds herself. JJ doesn’t even have a passport. There’s still time to figure out a plan. To talk things through even if she won’t be going with them.
Eventually her breathing slows, and although the tightness in her chest doesn’t loosen, she scrubs her hands over her face before heading back inside, tiptoeing through the darkness and sliding back into bed beside Sarah.
She doesn’t stir, and Kiara lies there, staring at the ceiling, until warm rays of early morning sun stream through her window. Sarah crawls out of bed without a word, disappearing outside for long enough that Kiara thinks she might have left all together. Everything that seemed bleak last night doesn’t seem much more hopeful in the bright light of day, but when Sarah comes rushing back in with a plan to keep John B out of jail, Kiara forces it all to the back of her mind.
The day is chaotic, everyone scrambling until the Pogues finally end up together at the Chateau. JJ shoots a look her way that she can’t quite decipher, but it feels more promising than anything else that’s happened between them since they’ve been back home. Once she ends up wrapped in a group hug with the Pogues surrounding her, she finally feels like she can breathe, the fractures between the group miraculously healing.
And she thinks that maybe things between her and JJ will be able to heal too.