Chapter 1: ---<snap!>---
Chapter Text
When Nai passed out the first thing Vash felt wasn’t fear, but an overwhelming sense of
e m p t i n e s s.
It knocked the breath out of his lungs and he almost joined his brother on the floor right there, but he couldn’t.
Not with the remains of his sister-
(and oh my God he had a sister)
-staring down at them with her eyeless face.
Not with Nai-
(something was wrong, something was deeply deeply wrong)
-vulnerable like this.
And most certainly not with Rem pounding on the door-
(he so badly wanted to open it, cling to her jeans, and sob until his body was out of water. Until he was shriveled up and dead and never
ever
felt like this again)
- demanding to be let in.
When they were younger (just a few months old) Rem would joke about how they always clung to each other, always seemed to know exactly what the other was thinking in a way that went beyond human twins.
“It’s like you’re sharing a brain,” she noted with fascination.
“Humans don’t do that?”
“No,” she replied with a tinge of sadness in her voice that they didn’t recognize, “we don’t.”
“Huh.” “Weird.”
She was closer than she thought she was, but still not quite there. It wasn’t that Vash and Nai shared a brain; it was more that there weren’t any barriers between them. Information flowed freely: thoughts,
memories,
touch,
taste,
sight,
etc.
What Vash felt, Nai felt. What Nai felt, Vash felt.
What Vash saw, Nai saw. What Nai saw, Vash saw.
One time, Rem let Vash take a sip of her coffee when he asked. She handed him the cup and watched in anticipation, struggling not to smile.
As soon as Vash took a sip, Nai’s face twisted in disgust and Rem laughed and laughed and laughed--
She was so mean sometimes
(thought with so much affection that they all could’ve drowned in it)
It was a pale imitation of their Greater Sisters’ collective consciousness.
Something the two wouldn’t get lost in.
A pond, rather than a great sea.
(Well, perhaps more like a puddle if they were being honest.)
As they got older - started developing distinct personalities - it was easier to keep a distance between
one and the other.
But what always remained true was this: Plants were not meant to be alone.
For the first time in his life
[Vash]
was alone.
Vash heaved at the feeling of suddenly being confined to his own body.
It was like something snap-
-ped in half.
A rope that kept the two
tied together and he was
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
He looked wildly for something to grab on to, but he couldn’t see. It was all just shapes with no meaning. The comforting buzz of Nai’s mind was gone and true silence was louder than anything he ever thought it could be.
The cage of his own bones, muscles, skin, brain was so tight around him that he felt numb.
Was this how Rem felt? Was this how the humans felt?
[Nai…?]
[no answer]
“Vash?” Rem asked, voice gentle, “Sweetie, why did you make Nai cry?”
Vash didn’t look at Rem. He could still feel Nai’s tears running down his face. He tried to apologize, but he didn’t know what to apologize for. Nai was ignoring his calls anyway.
“Vash?”
“Didn’t mean to,” he mumbled, “just teased him a little.”
[I said I was sorry, Nai, stop being so dramatic.]
[You’re such an asshole I hate you]
[No you don’t]
[Yes I do!!!]
Rem sighed, “What did you say, Vash?”
“I just called him a baby. Wasn’t a big deal.”
“Vash…”
“He’s just so! Much all the time! I don’t understand why he has to react to everything,” once he started Vash couldn’t stop. He was talking as much to Nai as he was to Rem. “Isn’t it enough to just feel it? Why’s he gotta be so… Loud.”
“You’ve seen me cry, Vash. Does that make me a baby?”
“No!” [No!]
“S’different for you, though! We’re not…” He couldn’t figure out how to word it.
[I’m not helping you.]
[Shut up, you're not even crying anymore!]
[Nai?]
[still nothing]
[Nai, please, wake up.]
[static static static]
[What am I supposed to do?]
[it was like he was dead]
Vash took back every mean thing he said.
took back every time he teased Nai
called him a baby
said he was weird because he was just that much more human in
all the right ways that would make him likable and he was jealous
[I was jealous Nai I was jealous and I’m sorry I’m really sorry-]
[Vash suddenly realized that he was only talking to himself.]
And just
like
that
Vash was crying.
He was crying so hard that the tears completely blurred his vision.
(There was something almost relieving about that-
now he didn’t have to see those shapes
that used to be objects
that used to mean
something-)
He was so small.
He was so small that nothing could fit and he couldn’t even send it away because his mind was
[[[[closed]]]]
All he had was his body
and all his body could do was force it out through his
eyes
mouth
even his muscles ached
How could anyone live like this?
(If this was what crying was like - real crying, not the approximation he made when he was frustrated or wanted to make a point - then it was awful and
he never wanted to cry again.
never
never
never
never
(He eventually did sob until there was no
water left, but the person he clung to was
Nai)
Rem | remained on the other side of the door and she
never
stopped
pounding.
It took time for Vash to get his bearings again.
Took
l o n g
moments of
staring,
piecing
together this
~new reality~
he found
himself in.
This ~new reality~ made from just one pair of eyes and ears.
This ~new reality~ where everything was flat.
where his field of vision didn’t s t r e t c h and be
nd.
It was so still.
How could anything be so still?
It took time. It took time.
but he eventually pieced together that the object he decided to focus on
was his
sister
Tesla
f
l
o
a
t
e
d
listlessly like a horrible parody of their Sisters sleeping in their bulbs.
she was alone
[plants were not meant to be alone]
they were
alone
Chapter 2: a delayed moment of realization
Summary:
Always being connected with someone meaning never learning how to talk to them.
Notes:
I'm honestly surprised I was able to update so soon. I'm such a slow writer guys.
Fun fact: despite this not even being 3k words it still took up 10 pages bc of the formatting! I love artificially making things look bigger.
Enjoy <3333
Chapter Text
When Nai woke up, Vash’s excitement lasted approximately 0.5 seconds before he|||
ran|||
into|||
a|||
mental|||
wall|||
that was not there before.
Nai gave him a Look like he knew exactly what happened, but he left it at that. Vash could only think, “yeah, okay, whatever,” in response because between Rem-
(He was not going to think about the feeling of her blood on his hands
and the horrible relief he felt in the immediate aftermath. He was not going
to think of that hour where he thought he was too late. That Rem was
dead and it was his fault.)
- crying and Vash himself still feeling weak from hunger, it was
a nonissue. It was just a wall. They’ve both thrown up walls on
days where they needed space or they’d kill each other.
(Though, those walls were flimsy at best and more of a courtesy)
(This wall was sold brick and mortar and Vash had no idea what was on the other side)
In any case, the most important thing was that Nai was awake and that was so much better than him being a lump of physical matter with absolutely nothing going on behind those closed eyes. At least now he could lean against the new wall, give it a shove, and watch Nai’s face flicker in annoyance.
(For a while Vash secretly hoped that if he was enough of a nuisance then Nai would have to say something
that acknowledges the walls existence and then they could talk about it.)
(It never worked.)
Nai said that he didn’t remember anything about Tesla-
(their sister still floated in her tank with her eyeless face and her cancerous limbs spilling from her
abdomen like entrails and the other bits and pieces that were taken from her like she was nothing more
than an object because they didn’t care about healing they only cared about taking and taking and taking--)
-but Vash knew that that was bullshit.
Still, he kept his mouth shut and let it be.
Because what could he even say?
Vash coped by nearly killing himself and then he graduated to homicide when that didn’t work out.
(He would
never
forget how warm the blood was. How he almost wanted there to be more because he was cold
he was so, so cold)
Nai was allowed to retreat into himself a bit. He was allowed to process everything on his own for a little while. Vash understood. Vash got it.
(Vash wanted to claw at the wall until his fingers bled. Wanted to scream
and yell and beg for Nai to tear it down because he didn’t wan to be alone
this time; he wanted to curl up in that space only they shared and feel
whole again)
Everything still looked
weird
He was afraid that it would He killed that stray always be this way now. thought immediately.
The placid smile on Nai’s face made him so angry. How could he just walk around like that, all perfectly fine like the broken shards of their shared reality weren’t currently being ground into sand.
Because he had to feel it, right?
It had to be the same for him too… right?
[Nai]
Vash grimaced - habit.
He knew he would never fully break it.
He didn’t want to break it.
“Nai?”
“Hm?” Nai looked up from the book he was reading-
(Vash had no idea what it was and, wow, that was still a foreign concept to him)
-with a frown that felt infinitely more natural than his smile.
Vash didn’t know where to go from here. The words escaped him - he was never very good at using words, they always felt so clumsy. When he tried all he could say was a halting, “Isn’t it all weird for you?”
Nai looked at him in confusion.
(He wouldn’t be confused if he lowered that goddamned wall-)
“What’s weird?”
Vash gestured ineffectively at everything, “This!”
Nai rolled his eyes and went back to reading, “You’re the one being weird, Vash.”
And
wasn’t
that
devastating?
Vash had no idea what to say to that. Feeling dizzy, he stole Nai’s book on his way out of the room.
“Hey!!!”
Vash ran down the long hallways of the ship with Nai chasing him, laughing wildly like everything was normal again.
(He flipped through the book as he ran.
It was very boring)
Vash spent much more time with his Sisters than he ever had before.
Not to say he never spent time in the plant chambers - he was probably there more than Nai. This was different, though. Hours passing with Vash staring up at the bulbs and wondering what it would feel like to float. Sometimes he would find himself being jolted awake by a concerned Rem and realize that he spent an entire night cycle just standing there.
“I’m not going to ask if you’re okay,” she said, kneeling down at his level. She followed his line of sight to a particular plant, half unfurled and staring lazily right back. The appearance of Rem made her shy away and curl back up into a ball. Vash tried not to project too much of his disappointment. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She was trying and because she was trying Vash answered, “Everything’s different and I want it all to go back to the way it was.”
Rem’s smile was sad, but understanding. She held out her arm in an invitation for Vash to lean in.
He
hesitated
for a moment, but he leaned in and allowed her to wrap her arm around his shoulders.
It was nice.
A different sort of grounding than trying his best to get swept up in the tidal wave of his Sisters’ presence.
“Everything changes eventually,” Rem sighed, “That’s life.”
“Well, life sucks.”
Rem’s laugh was so warm and genuine and for a moment everything was okay, “You’re too young to be saying that,” she admonished. They stood there in a mostly comfortable silence before she continued, “Nai’s worried.”
Vash’s laugh was
sharp
jagged
and ugly.
“He’s worried?”
“He says you’ve been withdrawn lately.”
[I’ve been withdrawn!?? You’re the one who won’t take down this stupid wall!
You’re the one who’s been ignoring me!]
He punched the wall until his knuckles bled and then he kept punching.
[Talk to me! Please! Talk to me!]
“Vash?”
Oh.
He was crying again.
He wiped off the tears with his sleeves and apologized.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” she soothed, “I know that you and Nai are struggling - that’s natural. You both,” Rem’s grip tightened slightly, “you both saw something no one should ever see, let alone children.”
[Tesla was a child and she did more than see.
She was still somewhere on the ship hidden away as she would
continue to rot within the solution that preserved her. She couldn’t
even get a peaceful afterlife, she was still an experiment to be
examined and Vash wanted to break open her prison and bury her
under one of the trees in the geoplant.
Maybe one of the dormant apple trees. Nai would
appreciate the symbolism because he was a nerd like that.]
“I know that there are things I don’t understand, can’t understand,” Rem took Vash’s shoulders and looked seriously into his eyes like she was trying to project her thoughts to him. It was sweet.
[There was a brush against his mind that he didn’t notice.
Something underdeveloped as of now that started to grow in the
absence of Nai. Senses redirected to something that worked
rather than something that grew more irreparable by the day]
“But I’m still here, okay? I’ll always be here.”
Rem sounded so confident that Vash had no choice but to believe her.
“I still want you to talk to Nai.”
Vash groaned loudly in dismay.
Vash sat on Rem’s request for several days, figuring out a way to put his thoughts into words. It wasn’t something that could be put into words.
He wondered, for a moment, if it was time to just be direct and tell Nai to do something about the wall. If he could even do anything.
The idea of it being permanent-
(or worse the idea that Nai had full control and was shutting him out like this on purpose)
- terrified him.
Vash hated being afraid and if there was anything he and Nai were both good at it was deflection and avoidance.
(Which was the reason why this was an issue in the first place)
Vash hissed at himself in frustration.
It took a week for him to finally work up enough nerve to snatch any opportunity that was presented to him.
At Rem’s insistence, the twins started sleeping in her room. It didn’t stop the nightmares, but Vash would easily admit that waking up to see Rem sleeping soundly put him at ease.
(It didn’t stop him from sneaking off to the plant chamber on particularly bad nights)
Vash and Nai didn’t need sleep in the way that Rem did,
so either of them carefully extracting themselves from her
bed in the middle of the night and wandering off wasn’t abnormal.
Vash liked to sleep a little more than Nai in the same way he liked to eat,
but even he would get restless and go watch movies in the media room.
He used to explore the unknown crooks and crannies of the ship,
but he learned his lesson about curiosity.
(There was no satisfaction. The cat remained dead in the tank
on the floor)
This was to say that Vash wouldn’t normally pay attention
when he felt Nai crawl out of bed in the middle of the night but
it was an opportunity
and Vash wanted get this over with.
He stared at the pristine white ceiling of the bedroom-
(He thought wistfully of his old bedroom
where the ceiling was covered in glow in the
dark stickers arranged neatly in an imitation of
old Earth star charts.)
(Why were adults so boring)
-for several minutes before he too rolled out of bed.
Vash followed Nai at a leisurely place, mulling over his strategy.
(He didn’t have one, but that’s fine.
He’ll figure it out probably)
Vash tugged g e n t l y at the few threads that managed to survive their minds
being severed and followed the vibrations down the ship’s near labyrinthine
hallways. They both had their usual haunts, but Nai wasn’t going to any of them.
Concern grew in Vash’s stomach as he was led
deeper
and
deeper into the ship.
What the hell was he doing?
A few turns later and Vash finally caught up with his brother.
Who was hunched over an auxiliary command terminal.
(The darkness of the room only made the
blue light of the screen that much
brighter)
[Nai?]
He pushed gently against the wall because he’s learned by
now that Nai can feel it as much as he pretended not to.
He didn’t expect Nai’s reaction to be so… violent.
His head
s
w
u
n
g
around in a way that made Vash wince in anticipation of pain.
(He forgot that their senses were
no longer shared between them
and the reminder was as bitter
as the relief Vash felt when the
pain of a pulled muscle never came)
“What are you doing here?” Nai hissed, eyes like a cornered animal.
Vash
immediately
noticed the blood on his lips.
He was at his brother’s side in an instant, taking his hands and holding them up to his face to examine them. The nail he chewed off was already healing, but the meat of his hand was covered in deep indentations, bitten one
on
top of the other without being given a chance to heal.
Vash wasn’t sure if their advanced healing allowed for them to scar, but it sure looked like Nai was trying his best to leave a mark.
“I thought you stopped doing this,” if there was any anger in his voice it was directed at himself for not noticing sooner.
Nai
flinched
and yanked his hands out of Vash’s grip. He hid them under his legs and mumbled, “Old habits.”
“Rem gave you something to bite on.”
“S’not the same.”
“Hm,” the answer wasn’t satisfactory, but Vash left it at that.
Nai sighed and shifted his chair so that most of the screen was blocked from view.
Suspicious.
“What are you doing here,” Nai repeated, irritation seeping into his voice.
“I should ask you the same thing,” Vash countered, then sighed in frustration - he was stalling. He knew he was stalling.
“Rem wanted me to talk to you.”
Nai
froze and was that
fear in his eyes? “About what?”
“Ugh,” there wasn’t enough room on the chair to make Nai scooch over, so Vash did the next best thing - drop bonelessly onto his brother’s lap.
Nai immediately pushed him off and he landed on the floor with a solid thunk.
Vash didn’t move to get up, just rolled over
and glared at his brother from the floor.
“Rude,”
“Get to the point, Vash.”
Vash deflated
and then threw himself off the deep end
“I know you remember.”
Nai froze and then tensed like he was about to run.
Vash grabbed his ankle and dodged the subsequent kick to his head.
“I’ll just chase you.”
(His voice was confident, because they both knew
who was the most athletic between them.)
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I can tell when you’re lying.”
Nai tried to tug his leg away, but Vash held on tight.
He said, “No you can’t.”
Vash heard, “You shouldn’t be able to.”
Neither of them said anything, just waited for the other to call their bluff. It was a stalemate and both of them were too stubborn to back down from. Vash eventually ended it with a decisive,
“Why are you so scared, then?”
“I’m not-”
“Cut the shit, Nai,” Vash sat up and glared at him. “Look at your hand and tell me you’re not scared about something.”
There was a moment - brief, but still there - where Nai looked so angry that a chill went down
Vash’s spine. He wasn’t afraid; the concept of being afraid of his twin was ridiculous. Still it was…
surprising. Shocking, even.
Then Nai slid out of his chair and joined Vash on the floor. He hugged his knees to his chest and gave Vash a look that was so pathetic he forgot about earlier.
“Aren’t you?” Nai whispered, like if he was quiet enough then this conversation wouldn’t actually be happening.
Vash didn’t want to say it out loud, so he pushed against the wall. To his surprise, a crack appeared; just big enough for him to press his lips against it and whisper back,
[Of course I am]
The tension in Nai’s shoulders eased, the grip he had around his legs loosened, “Oh. You just seemed so…”
He sent Vash flashes of himself from Nai’s perspective.
[how is he just continuing like nothing happened, how is he laughing so easily,
how is he able to stomach being around Rem for so long, how how how-
Why won’t he ask me what’s wrong?]
Vash almost started crying at the sheer relief of this small bit of normalcy.
He stretched out, pouring a bit of himself through the crack in the wall. He waited for it to get bigger, for the wall to start crumbling and
suddenly
||| he
||| was
||| back
||| on
||| the
||| other
||| side
It took a moment for the fog to clear, for him
to get used to the feeling of being ripped in half again.
He heard,
“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t-”
Nai was clutching his head, shaking.
“Too much, it’s too much, I can’t-”
(It took Vash a moment to realize
that he was shaking, too)
“Sorry,” Vash mumbled, still dazed. “I thought…”
Nai took a deep, gulping breath and shuddered, “I can’t - not yet. It’s still-”
“It’s alright,” (Vash wanted to throw up)
“I’m sorry-”
Vash lightly kicked his foot, “Don’t.” (He didn’t have anything left he could say)
Vash stood up as soon as he could use his legs. Nai watched him warily.
“I’ll… I’ll go.”
Nai didn’t need to say anything for Vash to know he needed space.
So, he did what he did best:
He ran.
(He didn’t find out what Nai was doing with that terminal until it was too late
and the sky was on fire
and Rem was dead
and Nai was laughing
and crying
and asking him why
he didn't stop him
he wanted him to stop him
and Vash was running over broken glass
while Nai screamed
and Vash thought
It didn't have to be like this
I shouldn't have-
I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up
This is all my fault.
This is all my fault)
tragic_unpaired_electron on Chapter 1 Thu 03 Aug 2023 02:08AM UTC
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