Archive of Our Own

“Girl, you haven’t been on a date in two years! Two years!” Tori groans rolling from her stomach to her back on Sydney’s twin bed. Her golden dyed locs spread out across the white and rainbow pattern on the bed.

Syd glances at her friend in the vanity mirror.

“I’ve been busy. My business imploded, I got a new job, I quit that job, I got a new job, I quit that job, I started a restaurant. So now I’ve got a lot going on,” Sydney shrugs turning back to the lip tint she’d gotten this afternoon. It was red, almost the color of a good merlot. She and Tori had hit up Chinatown after work before heading back to Syd’s apartment. Their voices low so as not to disturb Syd’s dad.

“Exactly, you guys have been open for what a month?”

“Six weeks,” Syd corrects and she can hear the eye roll in Tori’s huff of a laugh.

“Wrecking ball,” Tori says her eyes connecting to Sydney’s in the mirror. Syd’s eyebrows lift toward her hairline. She hadn’t thought Tori was serious enough to invoke their code for “I’m not being mean but this is going to hurt”.

“I—“ Sydney nods gesturing for Tori to continue. To get it over with.

“This work all the time shit? It isn’t sustainable, you know that. And you’re going on what three years of working non-stop?” Tori asks but doesn’t wait for an answer. “You need a life, outside of a kitchen.”

“I have one, I have my dad and you. I have friends,” Sydney scoffs.

“And when was the last time you hung out with anyone besides me? Texts and a few phone calls are lovely and I’m glad you aren’t completely cutting everyone off but Syd,” Tori gives her a look. One Sydney can’t quite read. “You spend all your time in that place. And when you’re not there you’re with someone from there.”

“I—Well we’re w—” she cuts herself off, she was going to say working. She regularly spent time with Marcus and Carmy, but never in a strictly social way. Especially not Marcus…fuck especially not Carmy either. For the same but opposite reasons, she didn’t want to lead Marcus on and she didn’t want to lead herself on. Which is a thought that she only lets pass through her head before vehemently pushing it aside.

“Yeah, see,” Tori sits up and nods. She’d caught what Syd was going to say anyway. “You have no life. You need a life. The Bear is a restaurant, it’s a place, it’s a business. It’s a job.”

“You’re right,” Sydney starts, her eyes glancing down at her table full of Korean makeup and skin care products they’d picked up tonight. “But I want a star, Tori, and I have to…that has to be more important than everything else.”

“I get that, I do. I’m not saying to change that or— or ruin your chances but—.”

“Then what are you saying?” Syd asks turning around on her little stool.

“Yo,” Tori says raising her hands in defense. “I know you don’t have time for a like full relationship right now. But it takes a while to get to know someone, especially if they know you’re busy. Sometimes it’s just nice to go out, be a person, be a girl. You know: laugh, talk, kiss, fuck, whatever. You need human interaction that isn’t work. You’re going to wake up thirty-five and alone, when you didn’t need to be, and resent that place. And that’s not good.”

Sydney blinks at Tori. She’s always been Sydney’s extrovert. They’d met in middle school and Tori had basically plucked Syd from the misfit pile. Claiming her as her own introvert. While Syd could hold her own on the line, she could lead a team, she could be personable she was awkward and shy in her head. Always second guessing herself in social interactions. Tori taught her confidence. Found her friends and pushed Sydney to step outside her comfort zone. And never ever let her get to far inside her own head, inside her own woes.

“It’s just…right now isn’t the best time,” Sydney starts and winces slightly at the sharp look Tori gives her.

“And then it won’t be the right time in a month, in three months, in a year, in two years, and then again, you’re mid-thirties and alone. And I just do you want to be alone?”

“No— not exactly…” Syd hedges, she’s willing to admit it to Tori. That when she thinks of her future she does see herself with a romantic partner. She could live a very fulfilled life alone she knows she could but its just…she’d kind always assumed she’d grown out of her awkwardness or find someone who would like her through it or for it.

“I know, I know,” Tori says, smugly, And Syd rolls her eyes. “I’’m not pushing you just because, I know you. I know how far down this rabbit hole you’ll get and I’m not letting you do that to yourself again.”

“I just…The Bear is…it’s important to me and we’re still just getting off the ground.” Syd says and Tori rolls her eyes, hard.

“So your business partner can’t handle one night without you? In the middle of the week?”

“We’re pretty busy, which is good—“

“Which is great! But you were pretty busy when he was fucking his girlfriend all over town—“

“Tori!”

“And you were pretty busy when he was not calling the fucking fridge guy and getting locked in the fucking fridge,” Tori huffs and Sydney stares at her.

Syd sighs and nods, chewing lightly on the side of her lip.

Her mind going back to the night of Friends and Family. She’d cleaned up with the rest of the crew sending them home then she’d sat outside the walk-in.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

When Tony had finally shown up and started to cut Carmy out of the walk-in she’d shut her eyes. Against the sound, the light, the sparks that flew around her perfectly clean kitchen floor. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep but the next thing she knew she was feeling someone tucking one her her braids behind her ear.

“I’ll walk you home,” Carmy said before walking away to the lockers without an answer from her. Sydney had stood shaken herself then followed him to the lockers.

“That’s like way out of your way—” Syd had stopped speaking jumping slightly when Carmy’s locker slammed shut. “Fuck, fine,” she’d huffed leading him back through the kitchen, through the dining room to the front door. They didn’t speak as he locked it, or as they started walking. It was only as they neared the train station that either of them says anything.

Carmy cleared his throat and Sydney glanced at him before looking away quickly.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice quiet. “I messed up, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, and I’m sorry.”

“I—” Syd started, sighed and hiked her bag up on her shoulder. “I know you are, Carmy. I know you are but like…fuck, dude. We needed you but then— Then we didn’t need you and you missed it. Everyone fucking killed it and you missed it. It was great, it was so awesome. Honestly I’m more…I’m disappointed. I thought— you said, you said you’d handle it and I believed you and I feel stupid and— and let down and— I don’t know, just disappointed.”

Carmy took her words in stride, head nodding along. When they stopped at the empty station she finally looked at him. His face was red, his eyes rimmed in red and shining with unshed tears, and his hands shaking.

“Carm?”

“Don’t— I’m good, you’re right. About all of it. I’m sorry I— I’m sorry I disappointed you. I never— Fuck, that really is worse than you being angry with me. I let you down and I’m so unbelievably sorry.”

“I know,” Syd said again, unsure what answer to give. She couldn’t exactly absolve him of this sin.

“I uh…this is going to sound fucked but I fucked up, with Claire and Richie. Bad. I um…I need to— I think I need to fix that and then, then you have my full focus,” Carmy says running his hands through his hair. Sydney wanted to scoff, wanted to smack some sense into him but she took a breath and then nodded. If he was saying this it must really be bad, she had to…she didn’t have a choice but to trust him even if he didn’t deserve it.

“Okay— what uh, what happened?”

“Fuck, I uh…I messed up with Claire, thought I was talking to Tina and said a bunch of shit. Called her a waste of time and a distraction basically—“

“Carmy what the fuck?” Sydney snapped shaking her head. “So you— Jes— So you like fucked off for the last like two months just to…to fuck it all up in one night?”

Carmy stared at her and then nodded his head slowly.

“I mean—”

“Fuck off,” Sydney grumbled but then motioned for him to continue. Yeah, she understood that Carmy was going to have to fix the Claire situation somehow. Whether that meant apologizing and being told to fuck all the way off or getting back together with her. Sydney didn’t care at this point. “And Richie?”

“He— I— Fuck. Okay so we talked about my family? A little. And my mom she’s like…”

“Fucked?”

“Yes, exactly and Richie he was upset that I upset Claire and I was upset I was locked in the walk-in. And he called me Donna.”

Sydney’s head reeled back like she’d been slapped.

“Nope, actually fuck that guy,” she said shaking her head but Carmy shook his hands as if clearing the air.

“No, no he— he wasn’t right but he was…I know what he meant and he was right about that. And I said some shit that was…way out of line.”

“Um…” Sydney said making a motion of rolling time back with her fingers. “Remember the part where he sprinted over the line, pulled it up off the ground and stabbed you with it?”

Carmy huffed out a harsh laugh, he looked like he hadn’t meant to, covering his mouth quickly.

“He didn’t deserve the shit I said,” Carmy said softly. Sydney bit her lip.

“Are you gonna get back with Claire? Cause I’m not like…I’m not telling you how to live your life or anything but maybe—”

“I’m not. I’m not…I just need to apologize. She wasn’t…she wasn’t wasting my time. I was wasting hers, I knew I wasn’t like…I gave her a fake phone number when I ran into her at first. I knew it was a bad idea cause I’m not…she’s nice and all but not… And I’ve got food and that’s—that’s my life. I’m not built for this like…people shit.”

“People shit,” Syd laughed softly nodding. Her eyes glancing down the track as the train approached. “That is not your strong suit no. We all deserve a life; you deserve a life, Carm. You just need—”

“And you deserve a partner who does what he says he will, Syd.”

Sydney bit her lip and nodded. He was right about that, she did deserve a partner who did what he said, a partner she could trust implicitly.

He wasn’t forgiven but she knew he was serious. He’d let her down, really really far down, but he was going to fix it. She couldn’t…she didn’t think she could do this again, The Bear was it. And he was her partner and she’d have to give him another chance. She hated thinking of The Bear as a trap but in moments like this she felt it.

Sydney’s mind returns to her room. To her vanity full of product and Tori’s nails tapping on her phone case. Tori’s words running through her head and she can feel the trap closing. Tori might be on to something, she’d told Carmy he deserved a life, hadn’t she?

“So like…” Syd starts. Tori grins.

“So like, take off one night, like a Wednesday. Those are slow right?” Tori asks grabbing her phone. Syd hums in a kind of lackluster agreement. They were actually pretty fucking booked. “I’ve got this friend Chase, he’s looking for something super chill, casual, just in the talking stage.”

“Ugh, I just wanted to know what you were thinking not to be set up. Nows might not be the best time.”

“Yeah it never is going to be the best time,” Tori grumbles but she’s already typing away on her phone.

That’s how Syd finds herself two weeks later, eight weeks since grand opening, standing in front of her closet. Tori had worked her braids into a twisted bun an hour ago, that Sydney wasn’t sure how she’d undo later, and done her make up. Now Sydney was looking over the navy blue vintage mod mini dress she’d found thrifting the week before. Questioning if it was too short, too plain, too weird? She’d been so pleased when she’d found it paid a hundred bucks for it just to find out it was worth much more. But now…

Her phone buzzes where it sits on her vanity.

TORI: you’re gonna rock that shit!
TORI: your legs look great, wear the dress!

Syd laughs at her friend. Tori always knows when Syd is freaking out. By the time she’s slipping her white socked feet into her white ankle boots her father is calling out to her.

“There’s some guy on the buzzer, Baby,” he says and Syd nods. Her clutch purse, triple checked, under her arm.

“That’s uh…that’s Chase, the guy Tori set me up with,” Sydney says hurrying to the front door. She wasn’t about to lie to her dad but she wasn’t really in the mood for an inquisition either. “Love you, be back before two!”

###

He is nice. A little boring but in a good way, steady. Works in finance. Blonde hair, brown eyes, nice smile. He talks, asks questions, answers her questions.

It’s nice. Almost.

It’s off. Almost.

It’s almost something.

The restaurant he’d picked was…it was a local chain. Still small enough to be good but still a chain. He’d been surprised when Sydney had said she worked at The Bear, was the CDC. Fucking Tori. Of course she hadn’t told him what Sydney did, she had a thing about first dates and getting to know people.

“Shit, my sister’s been trying to get a table for days. Wanted to take our parents for their anniversary,” Chase says shaking his head. “That’s dope though, and you run it?”

“Uh, yeah I’m the CDC, the chef de cuisine. I mean we have an executive chef that’s Carmy, he, well he makes all the executive decisions. But we work on the menu together and all that. We’ll be starting on the new menu soon and…sorry I’m sure this is actually super boring,” Syd laughs at herself. She’s more embarrassed she’d started to ramble than that she was she was talking about her job. She loves her job, it might be crazy to someone else and not very glamorous but she loves it.

“No, no, I asked and you listened to my nonsense. I know the banking world isn’t much fun. I mean it can get hairy, but day to day I’m sure it’s nothing like what you do,” Chase says good naturedly. Sydney nods smiling a bit.

“Yeah we never have the same day. We—” Syd glances at her purse on the table where her phone is ringing. “I am so sorry!”

She grabs the device and clicks the ringer off.

“Sorry, so sorry,” she says and Chase waves her off.

“Happens, do you need to get that?”

“No,” Syd says not even looking at the screen. If whoever it was needs her they’ll call back. “Anyway.”

It isn’t five minutes later when her phone buzzes in her clutch. She ignores it. Then again five minutes after that. She grabs it again and sees three missed calls from Carmy.

The fuck?

“You want to call them back?” Chase asks, more amused than upset. They’re partly into their meal.

He was enjoying it, Syd could do better in her sleep.

“It’s just work. They’re fine,” Syd insists. Tori’s voice in her ear.

You’re not punishing him, you deserve the time off you requested. He’s an adult he can figure it out.

By the fourth and fifth call Sydney knows she’s going to wring Carmen’s neck.

“I—“ Sydney starts to say when the text comes through.

CARMY: SOS

“Fuck,” Sydney breathes and shakes her head. She looks around for the waitress.

“Whats up?” Chase asks looking appropriately concerned. Everything about him was appropriate. And nice and sweet and easy. To easy. It set Syd’s teeth on edge.

“Yeah just…no…somethings going down at the restaurant and I need to go,” Sydney says standing. Chase stands too then waves at their waitress and mimes writing a check.

“Hey I’ll pay for this and—“

“Thank you! Thank you, I’m so sorry, I’ll call you!” Sydney says grabbing her clutch and racing out the door. She thinks about ordering an Uber then thinks about standing out here waiting for it, waiting for Chase to come out. They’d dined only ten blocks from The Bear…

She runs. She walks. She jogs?

Sydney’s thoughts are racing as she approachs the restaurant.

Chase was nice but ultimately not her type. To clean cut, to good, to perfect.

Tori was going to murder her for running out on a date she’d help set up.

Something was going down at her restaurant: her baby, her livelyhood, her star.

But when she arrives, opens the door and slipps past the line to the host stand everything is fine.

Jacinta greets her warmly and Richie waves her back to the kitchen door he is standing next to. It’s a short walk but by the time she’s at the man’s side she is fuming.

“The hell is going on?” She hisses at him.

“I thought you had the night off?” Richie questions at the same time, voice low so as not to attract attention.

“Oh I am going to—” Syd starts, furious. Syd takes in a deep breath then pushes through the kitchen door.

###

“Tables 13, 21, 23. Waiting on lamb, sauce, garnish. Lets go!”

Carmy’s voice is calm, direct, despite the fact that he is fucking dying inside. Of all the nights for three of their chefs to call out it’s tonight.

He’d thought it would be fine without Syd. They weren’t actually fully booked but then they’d had walk ins to fill every table. Jordan, Malik and Sarah had all called out with some sort of stomach bug. Which meant that it would probably be hitting the rest of them too or they’d all been out partying. At this point Carmy didn’t really care which it fucking was. It just meant they were down three on the line plus Sydney.

They’d made it an hour into service before he’d called her. Then again, then again.

He’d waited ten minutes before the dumpster fire that was their kitchen necessitated another call and another call.

She still didn’t answer. Causing Carmy’s anxiety to spike even higher, become even more acute. Was something wrong? Was she deliberately ignoring his calls? He decided on the latter because he could be pissed about that later but the former was unacceptable. She was fine, nothing was wrong with her, she was fine.

Finally he felt he had no choice and sent out an SOS text.

Still no response but he knew she was on her way. He didn’t know how but he knew she wouldn’t leave him…them like this.

He’s on expo and things are moving, slow, but they’re moving. Digging themselves out. Tina’s got their other two chefs on the line holding it down but it’s not enough. He could almost laugh as the thought that he can’t do this all on his own passes though his brain. He’s been beating himself up for the last two months over how he behaved while they were preparing to open.

They’d worked out their timeline, three months instead of six. No room for error and then he’d fucked right off. They’d made it but that was all Sydney and Natalie. So maybe this was karma, or fate maybe? Whatever. He was getting to inside his head and that wasn’t going to be good for anyone.

He’s concentrating on the food being past to him for plating, for clean up, for counting. He barely registers as someone calls out.

“Chef.”

Plate pasta.

“Carm.”

Wipe plate.

“Carmy.”

“Eighty-six the smoked salmon, chefs.”

“Heard, chef.”

“Carmen!” Sydney’s voice rings out across the kitchen and Carmy sighs. Looks to where she’s standing on the end of the expo.

Fuck.

His brain stalls out.

“What are you wearing?” He is the first thing out of his mouth.

It’s stupid, so stupid.

He takes in the short expensive looking dress and heels she’s wearing. And he realizes too many things at once. She came straight here from somewhere. He should have explained the problem. She looks fucking amazing, her legs are—he is fucked.

“What the fuck does it look like I’m wearing?” Syd asks with a huff, her arms crossing over her chest. Carmy shakes his head and gestures toward the line, still not saying anything. Not explaining anything like his text, explained nothing. If he’s honest he can’t even blame her not answering his phone calls cause he knows he’d have been short on details then too.

“Can you—”

“Why is my restaurant not on fire?” She interrupts him. Carmy just stares at her, completely confused.

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“SOS, five fucking calls? What am I talking about? I took the night off! So why isn’t this place burnt to the fucking ground?”

“I—I—”

He’s saved from explaining himself as another two plates are at his elbow and he turns back to work. He glances back to where she was just standing and she’s gone.

She was here right?

Fuck.

Carmy blinks, thinking of the quiet oppressive silence he worked under in New York compared to the noise of The Bear. He knows it’s not good, either—both—thinking he might have hallucinated Syd or actually hallucinating Syd. He breathes in deep once, twice.

“Hands!” He calls and then pulls another plate to him.

“Give me your jacket,” Sydney demands at his elbow now and Carmy looks at her like she’s crazy. Her heels are gone and replaced by her Birkenstocks, little girly white socks covering to her ankles. So unlike the colorful socks she usually wears and he can’t even think of why he notices this right now. She makes a motion for him to hurry up, one hand out for his jacket. He just stares. “Mine’s at home, this a three hundred dollar vintage dress, give me your fuckin—”

He cuts her off with a harsh sigh but does take off his jacket. Trading it for the blue apron in her hand. They cover themselves again, the jacket protecting most of her dress and the apron over his white tee-shirt and for a second he’s back in The Beef and its—

They stand side by side hands moving on auto pilot as Sydney’s eyes go over the tickets and she catches up.

“We needed you. Where were you?” Carmy asks.

Stupid, so stupid.

“I was on a fucking date, Carmen,” Syd snaps. Tina’s sliding a plate of pasta onto the expo and she looks like she wants to comment but one look at Sydney’s face is enough to have her back on the line instead.

Syd’s taking over expo but Carmy doesn’t move. He’s in her way, he can tell he is but he’s frozen. He’s stuck. Can’t get his feet and hands and head to connect. Sydney shoos him away but Carmy doesn’t move, instead reaching for a bowl.

“Can you—”

“Get the fuck away from me, go, please go do something else,” Syd snaps.

Harsh. They stare at each other and Carmy’s waiting for the sorry but it doesn’t come. Syd won’t even look at him. The kitchen’s gone quiet and even the servers waiting are silent. He thinks about signing sorry himself but he doesn’t.

Instead he leaves expo. Makes his way around the kitchen and checks in with everyone before getting on the line with Tina. Which is, Syd’s right, it was what he should have done the minute Syd got here. They’re down three chefs and it’s the reason he’d called her in in the first place. Right? And its not like Sydney’s gonna be standing over the stove in that dress with her make up all done.

It’s a long fucking night. They’ve had busier nights probably but never so short staffed.

They clean up once the last ticket’s gone out. Syd nodding Tina off the stoves and scrubbing them down next to Carmy. It’s its own kind of apology he thinks. Once the team is wrapping up trickling out Carmy nods his head toward the office and Sydney nods in agreement. He waves to Marcus, the last to leave as usual, then follows Syd into the office. He closes the door behind her watching as she falls back into the chair at the desk.

They don’t say anything for a long while. They haven’t had an argument like this…or one really in a while. It’s been six weeks of trying and trying and doing better on his part and he hasn’t really left anything for her to complain about at least not in his behavior. Finally he speaks.

“I’m sorry I ruined your night,” Carmy’s voice is quiet even in the silence of the empty office, the empty restaurant. Sydney shrugs, shakes her head and then nods her head.

“It’s—it’s fine actually, I mean thank you, yes, you did do that so thank you, but it’s fine actually.”

“Not a good date?”

“He was—” Syd cuts herself off and then shakes her head at Carmy’s raised eyebrows. “No, no, boring guy not bad guy.”

“Ahh,” Carmy says understanding. Hands in his pockets, fingers gripping his lighter in one and phone in the other just to have something to do.

“I’m sorry too,” Sydney says and she looks bashful. “I shouldn’t have…snapped at you like that. It was…over the top.”

“Learned from the best,” he says seriously but she laughs gasping softly and covering her mouth.

“Shut the fuck up,” she laughs shaking her head. He wasn’t trying to be funny but is glad he was able to lighten the mood. They’re quiet for a while again, Syd closing her eyes as she slouches in the chair.

“I didn’t…I didn’t know you were dating.”

Syd nods, but doesn’t look at him. Carmy nods too, but she doesn’t see him.

“Um. My best friend Tori set me up. She uh…”

“With the boring guy?” Carmy asks and Syd peeks at him with one eye open. He shrugs when she laughs this time, he still wasn’t trying to be funny. But sometimes it’s better this way, makes his heart swell when he can draw that unexpected laugh from her.

“She’d murder you for that,” Syd laughs and then shrugs. Fingers playing with the cuff of his coat. He’s trying not to pay attention to that but it’s hard.

“Was a little rude,” he agrees and Sydney nods. Her face is contemplative for a moment then she speaks again, her voice is real and raw.

“I have to…I have to have a life, you know? Get a life. Outside of this place? I can’t…I can’t resent it. I love The Bear and I want to keep loving it.”

Carmy thinks about the star she wants and his first thought is to contradict her then he thinks better of it. She doesn’t want to resent this place. Carmy thinks of how much Sugar blamed The Beef for all their family problems. Thinks about his empty, pathetic life in New York.

“No, thats, that’s totally reasonable.” Carmy nods and Syd smiles. She looks at him fully then and her smile is soft and thankful— and fuck.

Carmy’s heart beats erratically.

Because he’s losing her.

He’s fucking losing her and he never even had her.

And he’s confused because she’s so amazing and beautiful and talented. And he’s himself and how could he think-

He remembers the last time his heart beat like this, the first time she walked into The Beef; ‘oh no she’s pretty’ and all other thought left his mind. And he was asking about UPS like it was a fucking restaurant despite holding her well crafted resume in his hands.

“I’m fucking beat,” Syd groans pushing herself up out of the chair. She’s unbuttoning his coat and holding it out for him. He takes it on auto pilot but he’s staring at her hand.

Cause his mind is still in the past. Thinking of that first meeting. She was out of their league, out of his for sure, but definitely also The Beefs. And he’d called her on it and she’d…it had seemed like she was lying but he’d accepted it easily. And it wasn’t that he hadn’t trusted her but he’d called her former employers to figure out what the issue was, why she was at The Beef, knowing it wouldn’t fucking matter. He wanted to hire her after that first day. He’d never want her to leave.

But then there was months of work and screaming and quitting and tomato money and The Bear and project managing and baby Mikey and Claire and fucking off and fucking up over and over.

“I’ll drive you home?” He asks, unsure how long he’s been standing holding his jacket and staring. Sydney nods, it’s late so she’s not even going to fight him on it. Although she often does. Often declines his offer when he has his van.

It’s a quiet ride, Syd turning the radio to a station she likes and he knows he won’t change it for another month. He watches her enter her apartment building fully before driving away.

The next Monday he’s at Sugar’s house sitting on the floor in her living room. Tying little blue bows out of short lengths of ribbon. Sugar has put him to the task when he’d arrived, something about helping for the baby shower. Which they were already catering so he wasn’t sure why he had to help more. But he did, without an outward complaint.

“Syd’s…Syd’s dating,” Carmy says slowly carefully, ignoring Pete, his eyes going to Sugar. She’s typing on the laptop on her knees to avoid her rounded belly, back against the arm rest and her toes under Pete’s leg.

“Yeah?” She hums basically ignoring him.

“Yeah…” he breaths and then huffs. “Is that like— I just mean thats like…a distraction from…she wants a star and thats a lot of work and it has to be the most important thing. And she says she doesn’t want to resent The Bear which is…I get but—”

“Ohhhh,” Sugar draws out, a sly smile on her face. “Pete out.”

“Right-o,” Pete says in that Pete way standing quickly and heading upstairs. And they’re alone in her living room.

“You’ve no right to be jealous, Bear,” Sugar says shutting her laptop. Carmy scoffs and shakes his head.

“I’m not—” Carmy scoffs again giving her a bewildered look. “I’m not fucking jealous.”

“Uh huh,” Sugar replies eyebrows raised.

“I’m not.”

“‘Kay then…the problem?”

“The star, The Bear.”

“You’ve had a girlfriend, Bear. Doesn’t Syd get that too? She’s better at this shit. We both know she won’t fuck off like you did,” Sugar’s voice is hard, brooking no argument.

And it’s so harsh and vulgar and not like Sugar, though it reminds him of ‘did you know I recently had a brother die too’ and it’s gnarly in that same way that cuts him to the quick.

So he laughs and nods.

“And you are jealous, Bear,” Sugar says. He shakes his head again looking at her. “You are and you’re feeling…things for Syd,” Sugar says nodding in counter to his vehement head shakes of no.

“I’m not—”

“Don’t bullshit me, Carmen, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if you weren’t feeling some massive overwhelming feelings for her.”

“Whatever,” Carmy dismisses.

They’re silent for a while, almost comfortable but they grew up in a home where silence was a calm before a storm so he’s not surprised when Sugar breaks it. He’s playing with one of the ribbons, sliding his nail down it and watching it spring into a a curl, over and over

“But like…think about it, Bear, your feelings, yeah?” Sugar asks softly, like Carmy is delicate, fragile. And fuck he knows he is. He’s such a baby sometimes.

He nods but he knows he won’t do it. Won’t think about it.

He’ll push whatever this is down, down, down, and away. Far away from where it might touch Syd, might get to Sydney, might taint her with whatever fucks up Berzattos.