Chapter Text
They did not have a falling-out. At least, not really. They just stopped needing to be together to get new acting jobs. Then life got busy. Hectic film schedules, events, press, family time. It became harder and harder to find time to be together. Phone calls and texts became fewer and farther between. Before they knew it, they had stopped talking to each other altogether.
It happened so slowly that Nat didn't really notice. People began to forget them, they became a distant, fond memory from another time. They saw each other in passing, at ceremonies, at events. Always cordial, but without anything to share. Nat is 30 now, Max will be 39 soon, and they should be over it, but somehow they're not.
Nat is at an awards ceremony and sees him almost immediately. He can make out the silhouette, even from a distance. The broad shoulders and the small waist. He could probably draw the delicate side profile from memory. He feels it in the pit of his stomach: the pain, the longing. He misses him.
He has been missing him for weeks. It is as if turning 30 has unlocked something in him. He has spent a lot of time reminiscing about the past. He is not old and he still feels young, but so much has happened in a decade that it feels like another lifetime. He has spent hours these past few weeks watching old content, vlog videos, and BTS. He even watched some of their series. It felt weird, but good.
He still remembers how safe he felt at Max's side all those years. He never had to question himself or second guess what he was saying. It is a feeling he has never been able to find again with any of his co-stars. There was such a deep understanding and trust between them. Nat does not know if he misses Max or if he misses the intimacy and security of their relationship.
They exchange a look, from across the room. Still able to find each other's eyes years later. Max smiles, the soft smile he used to make whenever they were together, and Nat aches with longing and something else he cannot quite put his finger on.
He is in a crowded room full of people talking loudly, and he feels sad and lonely. For the first time, he realizes that no matter how many people surround him, something is missing in his life.
Catching Max's eye on the other side of the room makes him feel better and sadder at the same time. He responds with a smile of his own, not much else he can do from this distance anyway. He waves his hand, then brings the two together and bends down a little, paying his respects. He still feels the pain, the sharp knife twisting his insides, but he straightens up and continues to smile.
When his eyes land on Max again, the man is frowning, reminding him of Hia Yi's constant scowl. His smile turns nostalgic, remembering how much fun they had on the set of Naughty Babe, their first series as leads. Part of him wishes he could go back in time.
There was no bitterness, no anger, no resentment in the way their relationship ended. Life goes on and people come and go. Like everything they did, it felt almost natural, as if they had reached the end point. For years, Nat was okay with it. He remembered the old times with fondness and was happy to move on with his full life.
Lately it's been harder to cope. Maybe he never really mourned the relationship. They never had closure and never really said goodbye, and maybe that's what Nat needs. Time to process the way their partnership ended. He wants to talk to Max, to thank him and wish him well in his life.
When he finally decides to look for him, the man is nowhere to be seen. He has completely disappeared in the sea of people Nat is facing. Sighing, he decides to join the other members of his latest film. Only two of them are up for an award, but the whole cast decided to join them to encourage them. Nat smiles and laughs and mingles with everyone. On the outside, he probably looks good and happy. Inside, he feels empty and lost.
Weeks later, he receives an unexpected call from his agent. He told her he was taking a little break to get his thoughts in order. His head is too full to focus on anything, especially acting. He needs to clear his head before returning to work. He wonders if he should answer her, but it's not her fault he's grumpy. She is just doing her job.
"Nat," she says happily. "I know what you said. I wouldn't be calling if I didn't think you might be on board." Her voice is light. Nat listens carefully. She is always happy when she gets good news, so it must be good.
"NetJames are producing a new movie and they want you on the project." Nat's eyebrow rises. Net and James are still attached at the hip, best friends who bicker back and forth. They made it big and stopped acting years ago. They now produce, write and direct their own films.
"They want me? Specifically?" He is surprised, to say the least. They have not really talked for years. At least no deep conversations. They were never really close friends, but they shared many happy memories of their Domundi days.
"Yes! They asked, no - demanded - that you work with them." Nat is at a loss for words. He does not understand why they would ask for him, without any warning or even an audition, it seems.
"Nat, I have the script with me. I think you'll really like it." He knows he will. First of all, because Dara knows him perfectly. She's worked with him long enough to understand his tastes. Second, because he has loved everything NetJames have released so far.
"Okay Dara. Send me the script and I'll see if I want to come out of my cave for this."
She claps happily, and Nat quickly hears her typing. Within seconds, his phone pings with a new email.
"Let me know soon, okay?"
Nat agrees, then hangs up. He does not open the email yet. He strokes Daisy's fur and closes his eyes, a thousand questions in his head. He is quite confused. He spends a few minutes wondering why, then his curiosity gets the better of him and he picks up the phone. He takes his time to open the app.
Paper Houses
The title evokes nothing in him. There's no synopsis, no information about the characters or their backgrounds, it's clearly still a rough draft. He starts to read it slowly, taking his time to figure out who's who and the relationships between the characters. The more he gets into the story, the faster he reads, eager to know what comes next.
It is a beautiful story about two characters who meet, become best friends, and grow as they face the hardships of life. Through it all, they stay by each other's side. In the end, they realize they've been in love all along and grow old together.
It is a story full of love, funny at times, heartbreakingly relatable, and incredibly powerful. It really pierced Nat's heart. He could relate to Aroon, the boy who feels too much and loves too loudly, hiding it all under a sharp sense of humor and wit. It reminded him of James. Then there's Niran, the shy, quiet boy who turns out to be a real clown once he feels comfortable. Someone who's wary of others, but once he lets you in, you're in his heart forever.
Nat wipes away his tears. He takes a second to collect his thoughts. He wonders why Net and James want him so much in this project. He also wonders who his partner would be. He has not acted in a BL in years. Not that he did not like it, but it felt strange without Max. It did not feel as real without his longtime partner.
What he loves most about acting is when he is so immersed in the character that the lines between himself and what he is portraying become blurred. He has never felt that with any other male lead. Nor with most of his female co-stars, to be honest. There was always something holding him back, making him self-conscious about his surroundings.
He loves the plot, the story and the characters are fantastic, but he still does not want to say yes. He needs to know more. So he takes a few seconds to breathe, then presses the call button on Dara's name. She answers almost immediately.
"Tell me you will!" Nat is pretty sure she is bouncing in her chair, he can hear the rustle of her clothes against the backrest.
"Do they know who will play Niran?" There was no information about which part he was supposed to play, but there is no doubt in his mind that it is Aroon. And if not, he does not want the job.
"They wouldn't tell me until they had your answer." She sighs, knowing that it is definitely not a yes yet and that he will need some convincing. Nat smiles, she knows him so well.
"Do you have P'Net's number? I don't think mine is current. I have some questions."
"So it's not a no?" She replies hopefully. Nat shakes his head. She is more stubborn than anyone he has ever met. She has an endless supply of optimism.
“It’s not a no yet. So, about P’Net’s number?” She laughs and Nat shakes his head again. Incorrigible!
"I'll text it to you. Please say yes, it is such a beautiful story." Nat hums his agreement and hangs up.
He receives the text almost immediately. He takes a few minutes to write down his thoughts and questions. He circles "Partner" 3 times and underlines "Why me?” twice. Then he takes a deep breath and hits the call button.
“Hello?” Nat recognizes the drawl instantly. His voice has not changed at all.
“Hello P’Net, it’s Nat”. When he is met with silence, he adds, “Nat Natasitt.”Still no sound on the other side. “From Domundi,” he adds as a last resort. Does Net really not remember him?
"Oi N'Nat, sorry. Give me two seconds." He hears a rustling. "No, you can't put that here." The answer is too muffled for him to understand. "Because I said so!" Then a few seconds later, "No! James! Ugh".
"I hate that guy," Net mumbles into the phone's speaker. Nat laughs. These two will never change. Nice to know they still bicker like an old married couple.
“Nong Nat, sorry to keep you waiting. I figured you’d call, I just expected you to call James instead of me.” He sounds almost mocking.
Oh. He was actually closer to James back then, but he is somehow afraid of his straightforwardness. He thought Net would be a better option, still honest, but a little more sugar on it can't hurt.
"I..." Nat doesn't really know how to answer. He feels awkward and shy. "I have a few questions." He says finally.
"Of course you do, Nat. Fire away!" He says, then "James, please, put that down!" and a few seconds later, "Where you found it!” He hears Net sigh. "That guy's going to kill me before I'm old. Sorry, you were saying?"
"Questions," Nat replies, laughing again. "Who is my partner? Do I play Aroon? Why this story? Why me? Who is my partner?" he recites what he has scribbled down. Only after he has said it does he realize that he has asked for the partner twice.
“Wow” Net laughs.
"Well, you said fire away." Nat chuckles and runs his hand through his too-short hair. He wanted a drastic change, so he came pretty close to a full buzz cut. It was a spur of the moment decision that felt good at first. But now he just misses his hair.
"Who do you want to be your partner," Net finally asks with something in his tone that Nat cannot decipher. Max's name is the first that comes to mind. He would give anything to play with him again, but the man has not played in a BL for years, and has not played at all for at least a year. Not that Nat is keeping track.
“I… I don’t know” He lies.
"Come on Nat, where is your honesty?" He thinks he hears disappointment in Net's voice.
"Wh - Would P'Max be available?" He stutters. It is hard to admit, especially to someone he has not seen in a long time and who knows them both.
"Lucky for you, he already approved the project." Nat's saliva runs down the wrong way, making him cough. "Did you notice the similarities between the story and our lives?" And it feels more like a question than an answer. "Our goal is to reunite the Domundi gang for this project. Both James and I thought you and Max would be the perfect leads."
Nat is speechless. Not only could they give him a role that fits him like a glove, but he could star alongside his long lost partner? It feels like a dream. The only word he utters is "Why?
"You guys have always had crazy chemistry together. We wrote the part thinking of ourselves, but also thinking of you. It just seemed right." Nat blushes at the compliment. It's been a long time since anyone has mentioned their on-screen chemistry.
"Why not Zee & NuNew? They're together and they're still working together. They would make sense". Nat is not really fishing for compliments, but he also knows that the fans would expect to see ZeeNuNew more than them. Somehow it makes Net laugh.
“They will be part of the project, and they were our second choice in case you said no.” Net adds, probably trying to reinforce the idea that they were first choice.
"Nat, you are able to portray everything. It is a story that evolves over time and you are so amazing at nuance in the way you look at each other. There's a tenderness, a softness that's always there, but you're also able to play anger, sadness, longing, lust and everything in between. We need that." He can hear the way Net emphasizes how they are perfect for these roles.
"So far, everyone is on board. ZNN and TutorYim will be your coworkers/friends. P'Mark will play your brother. P'Park and P'Poppy will be Niran's best friends. We are still trying to recruit Gen 3 guys, but so far no positive response except for Thomas. You're the only one missing.”
Nat is surprised to hear this. Some of these guys have been out of acting for years. But he supposes that between NetJames' connections and Max's help in reaching Gen 1, he should not be so surprised.
“So…” Net insists. “What is your answer?” Everything in him longs to say yes, so he does not hesitate too long.
"I... Count me in!" His voice shakes a little, still not believing that this is real. He can hear Net shouting that he said yes and the loud cheers that come in response. Net tells him all about the story, how they imagined things and why they wanted to do it. He hears about how they're doing and what they've been up to these past few years and it feels like no time has passed.
When they finally hang up, promising to see each other soon, an hour has passed. Nat does not call Dara back because it is getting late, but he sends her a thumbs up. She will understand. And she does, if the thousands of hearts and fireworks emoticons are anything to go by.
Weeks go by and they talk regularly. It takes some time to put everything together, so they don't start shooting until the new year. Nat sends a text message on Max's birthday, not even sure if the phone number is up to date. It is a simple message, but he gets a reply almost immediately.
This is as far as it goes. Nat wishes he could get in touch with him again before the first workshop, but he does not know how to start the conversation or what to say. So he waits. Something in his heart flutters at the prospect of being with everyone again.
On the days before the first workshop, he feels sick. He is so stressed that his stomach hurts all the time. He has not felt this way since his first days in Domundi more than 10 years ago. He almost wants to quit, but he cannot let everyone down. He sucks it up and hopes to feel better when he reaches his destination.
His feet get heavier with every step he takes toward the house where everyone is waiting. He is a little late, but fortunately not too late. His heart is in his throat and he feels like he is about to throw up. He knows these people, knows that they mean him no harm and will welcome him with open arms. Still, he cannot help but dread the moment he sets foot in the house.
He takes one last look at the door, takes a deep breath, then turns the handle. Net told him to come right in. He enters, takes off his shoes and puts on the slippers with his name on them. He hears laughter echoing through the house and relaxes a little. He follows it into the large living room.
Everyone is already here, he can see Net and James in a corner, whispering to each other and looking like they are arguing as usual. Zee is on the couch with Mark, Poppy and Park. They look relaxed and happy, probably catching up on their lives. The first person who sees him is NuNew He is having an animated conversation with Tutor and Yim.
“Jelly!”
He shouts so loudly that everyone turns their heads in his direction. Blushing, he ducks his head. "Sorry I'm late."
NuNew hugs him and it feels good. He is the only one Nat has really kept in touch with. Not as often as they used to, but they still chat at least once a month. They have shared so much over the years. Nat is so proud to have been a small part of NuNew's journey to conquer the world. He has become known all over the world, both for his music and his acting. With Zee never far behind, of course.
Before he has time to process what is happening, everyone is hugging him. "Look at you, all grown up," Mark exclaims with a big smile. Still as handsome as ever, even though he gave up acting years ago to focus on his family and mentoring young actors. Poppy and Park joke about how tall he has become. Tutor tells him it's good to see him. Yim asks him if he remembers their old handshake. Net and James both reiterate how happy they are that he agreed to take the role. And Zee just ruffles his – thankfully back to normal - hair without saying anything.
At the top of the stairs, Max sees him enter and watches as everyone greets him warmly. It has been years, but he can still read the tense line of Nat's shoulders and see him relax, little by little, with each interaction. He smiles softly. He catches Net's eye, the man giving him a sharp look. He shrugs. What can he do? Some things never change. He walks slowly down the stairs, taking his time to reach the man in the middle of the room.
Nat wonders where Max is, knowing that he is never late. He has not seen him yet, but he recognizes the hand that rests on his shoulder. He involuntarily melts into the touch. It is familiar, comforting, and all he needed to relax completely. "Nong," comes the soft voice. A voice he has not heard in a long time, but still knows its every inflection. It soothes his melancholic heart.
"P'Max," he breathes out. Somehow, everyone has gone back to what they were doing, giving them time alone. He wonders if it would be too much for him to nestle on Max's shoulder and never let go.
He turns slowly, carefully, enjoying the fact that he still has to lift his head to look into his eyes. He turns to jelly when he meets the soft brown eyes. Max looks at him as warmly as ever, a soft smile playing on his lips. Nat feels like his 20-year-old self, bold, sure that he can achieve anything he sets his mind to. Most of all, he feels peaceful.
His smile is the first real one today. Maybe the first real one in weeks or months. He has felt so disconnected lately, unable to find joy in anything. It feels like he can finally breathe again. The world is becoming a little more colorful.
Up close he sees it, the time that has passed since their last encounter. Max's skin is a little less smooth. The lines around his eyes are more visible. His hair is beginning to show a little gray. He looks even more handsome. Nat wants to trace his face with his finger, but lets his eye do the work. From the tip of his nose to the crease of his eyebrows and the corner of his smile, he takes it all in. He feels Max's eyes doing the same and blushes slightly.
Max pokes him in the cheek and gets a big smile in return. "Hi!" He whispers with a smile. "Hi!" Nat laughs back. He can't stand it anymore, so he wraps his arms around the muscular body, happy to see that his head still fits in the crook of his neck. He feels the slightest touch on his head and recognizes the feeling of the man kissing his hair. "I missed you P'Max." The murmur is barely audible. Max holds him even tighter.
He is so enraptured in their little bubble that he jumps when James loudly announces, "Time to go to work, lovebirds!" Max squeezes him one last time before letting him go. As soon as there is some distance between them, Nat feels cold again. The warm feeling lingers, but barely. He will need much more to keep the sun shining over his head.
The first day goes by quickly. They do not get much work done, too busy playing like teenagers and reminiscing about the good old days. Nat laughs a lot. More than he has in a long time. Working on movies here and there is nice, but somehow you lose that sense of camaraderie and brotherhood that made his Domundi days so special.
He leaves the house much later than expected with a smile on his face. Almost everyone is gone, but he stays with Max to start working on their connection. It did not take long for James to say that they did not need him anyway. They spent most of the evening talking about anything and everything.
"Nong?" Max calls before he reaches his car. The tenderness and care with which he says the word always melts Nat's heart. He turns to face him and waits for the next question. Max asks him where he lives now and they find out that they're not very far from each other. He then suggests that they carpool together to give them time to get reacquainted.
This is how it begins. They take turns driving each other to and from workshops. They spend hours and hours talking. About their lives, what they have done in the last few years, the choices they have made. Nat still gets nervous every time, afraid they will run out of things to talk about. They never do. Even when there's silence, it's a silence filled with contentment and peace.
They rebuild their relationship. They relearn each other's habits, some haven't changed, some are new. It's the same and it's different at the same time. There is an equilibrium that was not there before. Where before Nat felt much younger and like Max was taking care of him, now it feels more balanced.
Nat realizes that he is now the age Max was when they were in their prime. He wonders how he would feel if he had taken a young actor under his wing a few years ago. It casts a whole new light on how to view their partnership back then. He now understands that Max had always kept a wall between them, a distance to protect Nat. He probably carried a lot on his shoulders, feeling responsible for him.
He wonders how Max sees him now. He was such a ball of energy, never resting, never staying in one place. He is quieter, calmer. He is also more reflective, often lost in his own thoughts. He probably looks a little sadder, too. Life has not been unkind, but his youth and innocence are well and truly gone.
When the announcement of the movie is made, he is surprised by the enthusiasm. His phone explodes with notifications, some from people he recognizes as Hearties. The response is overwhelming and makes him even more excited about what's to come. They start shooting in March and everything goes smoothly.
It takes them a month and a half and 17 queues to film it all. At the end of the process, Nat feels exhausted, drained of energy, but proud. Some scenes were hard to shoot, like the loss of a beloved parent or the burn-out scene, but that makes it all the more rewarding. He finds his rhythm again, blurring the lines between fiction and reality.
The last day on the set is reserved for the final montage scene showing Niran & Aroon's life after falling in love. It's the heartwarming culmination of two best friends sharing a life full of happiness, big gestures and tender moments. It takes a lot of time to shoot because they have to change their clothes and make-up to look older between each scene.
The wrap party is in full swing when Nat realizes that this is the end, or almost the end. The movie will go into post-production, they will do a little press to promote it, then the premiere and voilà. It felt so good to be back with everyone. Every day on the set was a day of joy and togetherness. This is obviously due to the way Net and James work, but Nat knows that he felt comfortable thanks to the man on the other side of the room.
He watches Max from a distance. He talks animatedly with Mark and Zee, using his hands to make grand gestures that make everyone laugh. He missed him so much when they were apart. He does not want them to be separated again. He smiles sadly as his heart tightens, already feeling the loss.
"Who are you looking at?" He startles a little and reluctantly takes his eyes off Max to look at NuNew. His friend is already looking ahead, following the path until he reaches the man Nat was looking at. "Nat," he says and turns back to his friend. He sounds almost sad.
"I know." There is not much more he can do or say. NuNew can read him like a book, always has. He looks at Max again and finds him already looking back. He is smiling broadly, what the fans used to call his P'Teddy smile. He looks so happy and relaxed. Nat can only smile in return. "I'll be okay." He says as he turns back to NuNew.
His friend pats him gently on the leg. He looks like he wants to say something, and honestly, Nat does not want to hear it. "Nat. I-" He does not have time to say anything more because Zee grabs his hand and leads him to the dance floor. Nat watches them dance a little, amused and endeared even if NuNew keeps giving him nervous looks.
He tries to mingle but feels a headache coming on. Everyone is having a great time and all he wants to do is mope around. When he sees Max go into the house, he takes his chance and says goodbye to Net and James, thanking them for hosting the party and for an incredible opportunity. They both look at him worriedly. He apologizes for leaving so early and hugs them gently. He is truly grateful.
He does not say goodbye to anyone, especially not to NuNew or Max, and takes his leave. His brain barely has time to register the sound of moving feet behind him before he hears, "Nat!” He stops in his tracks, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and turns to meet soft brown eyes.
"Are - are you leaving?" There is a frown on the beautiful face in front of him, just like at the ceremony a few months ago.
“I don’t feel so good,” he says honestly. His heart is hammering in his chest and his head keeps pounding. “I was going to text you when I got home.” He adds, because he was supposed to take him home tonight.
"Did - did I do something wrong?" The confused look on Max's face makes it hard for Nat not to reach out. He wants to take his place between his arms and stay there.
"What? Of course not! I'm--I'm just tired. It has been a tiring day and I feel a headache coming on." This is true, but not the whole truth. He feels sad and lost all over again.
"Didn't you at least want to say goodbye?" It should not break his heart to see Max so disarmed, but it does. "I-". He would rather not say goodbye because the alternative would break him to pieces. It must show on his face, because Max grimaces.
"Nat," his voice cracks on the T. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want us to drift apart like we did before." Nat feels tears in his eyes. He doesn't want that either, but he doesn't know how to say anything else. How unstable he feels right now, and how lonely and desperate he is to keep the man in front of him in his life.
So instead of facing his problems and being honest, he flees. "I'm sorry," he croaks, runs to his car and drives away. The last thing he sees in his rearview mirror is Max running after him, despair on his face.
He drives on, the tears blurring his vision. His heart and head pound. When he feels far enough away, he stops the car and breaks down. He shakes and sobs violently. The air gets stuck in his throat because it's too tight. He throws his hands on the steering wheel, pounding it with rage.
He cries because he has just lost him, again. And this time it's all his fault. He sobs painfully, clutches his heart and tries to breathe. He feels like an idiot. It was so easy to fall back into the old pattern, to feel invincible as long as he was by his side. They talked a lot, about many things, but Nat was never able to express how lost and confused he felt.
It feels like there is a fork in the road ahead and he does not know which way to go. He keeps trying to find different paths, but he keeps coming back to that fork. And each time it gets a little harder to keep going and to keep pretending that all is well.
Acting gives him a sense of purpose. It helps him get up in the morning. When it is gone, he does not know what to do with himself. He feels like a ghost in his own house, like a shadow of himself wandering aimlessly. So, he sleeps a lot, and reads, and scrolls endlessly on social media, numbing his brain.
With Max and all the boys back in his life, he felt like he could see his old self again. The one who always had places to go and people to see. The one who always laughed and saw the good in everyone. But he is not the same anymore, and the black cloud is only getting bigger. The cloud will eat the shattered pieces of his broken heart one by one until it swallows him whole.
He stays there, hiding in the shadows for hours, until there are no more tears left to cry. He picks up what is left of his heart and drives home. The black cloud and dark thoughts hang over his head. He curls up under the covers, hugging a pillow tight to his chest. Daisy snuggles up next to him, making the tears roll down his face again as he cries himself to sleep.