Chapter Text
“You idiot,” I called to Azirphale in dismay, maybe even a little bit of disgust. Angel couldn’t see through Heaven’s ulterior motives. It felt like my attempt to pour my heart out to him was useless, I tried logic, I tried everything and was dreading the end.
“We could have been us. ” The fire in my chest was full of annoyance for his one-track mind; it was fueled in reverence for the beloved angel. Fuck it, I’m about to lose him anyway. I rushed toward my Angel and before I knew it my hands were grasping at his collar and my lips were shoved against his. I wasn’t sure what I was doing but I couldn’t leave that bookshop without showing Aziraphale how I truly felt.
His shoulders jerked up and I felt the weight of his breath suddenly expel from his lungs like the wind was knocked out of him. His breath warmed our cheeks which I’m sure were already burning. His hands frantically moved, first raising with his shoulders but then grazing my shoulder blades as if looking for some way to hold himself up from his weak knees.
As his shoulders dropped and I felt his chest expand, he steadied his hands on my back and eased into opening his lips, finally bringing some movement and wetness into the sudden, desperate dry kiss. I sighed, moving into the kiss and loosening my white-knuckles grip on his collar. With one hand gently holding the nape of his neck and another resting and shaking on his collarbone, it finally set in that I was, at long last, sharing a kiss with the Angel I’ve loved for millennia. The panic dissipated, I felt both grounded and like I was soaring all at once.
I stepped back and whipped off my sunglasses because the fogginess was beginning to block my vision. I was open and longing to look into his once again trustworthy blue eyes. Aziraphale shuttered as he tried to regain his breath, I cradled his face as he looked up at me in awe.
“I... I love you, Crowley. I’ve been truly enchanted... By you… for a very long time. You mean the earth and stars to me,” He spoke to me in such a tender, soft manner. He settled his head on the crook of my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him in a gentle embrace. Aziraphale ran his hand down my arm in search of mine and then firmly held it against his chest.
“Please forgive me.”
“I love you, Angel. I have for ages, and I’m kicking myself for not realizing it sooner. I’m sure you noticed earlier that I’m not very good at talking about... Us... how much I care about you."
Aziraphale rested his arms around my neck, and his eyes now appeared worrisome as he peered back at me.
“I am so, terribly sorry; I can’t even believe I was considering abandoning you..." I could see that my angel was starting to spiral. "I would never leave you like that- I hope you know that now. That was just a terribly awful... horrible thing to do to you. Oh, Crowley, please forgive me...”
“You are forgiven, Angel,” I have to admit that I found it a little amusing that the angel was asking the demon for forgiveness. “We always find our way back to each other.” I unwrapped my arms from him and held out my hand, only to ruffle his white-blonde curls. I’ve always found his smile precious; his dimples and laugh lines are simply adorable, especially when he’s smiling at me.
“Yep, you’re stuck with me for good now,” I teased with a grin on my face.
“Well, you’re the only person I’d ever wish to be stuck with,” he smiled softly as his eyes darted from my eyes, my lips and my chest. I swear to hell his eyelashes fucking fluttered.
“Look at you, you’re gorgeous!” I beamed and held the nape of his neck. Aziraphale placed his palms on my chest, and I forgot to breathe for a moment.
“You’re one to talk, good-looking,” he quickly replied as if he’d been waiting to call me that for a while. He smoothly leaned in and kissed me again, much gentler and more passionate than my initial embrace. I cherished his soft lips that spoke sweet words to me. Our loving kiss promptly became more erotic and needy. As if reading my mind, he suddenly snaps his fingers and miracles the front door locked and flips the sign to close. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, it felt like I couldn’t hold him tight enough, like he would dissipate from my arms if I became distracted.
Somehow, almost miraculously, we found our way towards his brown sofa tucked away in an alcove of the bookshop without breaking away from each other’s grasp. Never before have I heard nightingales sign so powerfully. We breathed in unison for a short moment, foreheads resting against each other and eyes locked.
“Would you like to lie down and continue, darling?” I asked him.
“Oh, please, yes,” he suddenly replied.
I guided my angel onto his back, with my hand in his hair, subtly setting his head on the overstuffed cushions. With one leg between his and the other against the outside of his hip, I propped myself up and resumed necking my sweetheart. After a few minutes, Aziraphale became antsy and tried to roll over on his side. This took me, and my balance, by surprise and I swiftly felt myself slipping from the edge of the couch as my angel tried to pull me back with him.
~
The side of my hip collided with the concrete; my eyes popped open to see the outline of my comforter being pulled down with me onto the cold floor.
I gritted my teeth at the pain and sat myself up. The bruise would surely show in the morning, but if it bugged me that much I could just miracle it away. I heard crickets outside could feel their sounds being deflected from the walls. That and a distant siren were the only noises I could hear other than the whir of the AC. No bird songs at this hour.
Despite the jump-scare, I was still half-asleep and struggled to regain my footing. I didn’t hit my head but I was dizzy nonetheless. Angel made an offhand comment to me once that he was a light sleeper, so I made an unsuccessful attempt at gracefully standing myself up.
I raised my head expecting to see a sleepy and disgruntled Angel with his head on the pillow next to mine but found it empty with the sheets still tucked neatly on his- on the other side of the bed. As I tried to focus my eyes on the deep green sheets, my eyelids slammed shut with the rush of a migraine to my forehead. I only ever seem to get these bloody headaches when I’m adjusting to new sunglasses and when I have too much alcohol.
Alcohol, I smelled it on my breath, on my shirt, even though I could have sworn it smelled like someone’s aftershave earlier. My eyes darted across the bedside table, two tall bottles that I half remember emptying. A wine glass, a scotch glass with half melted ice at the bottom, and an empty bottle of scotch half hanging off the nightstand. I set it back up before I would accidentally knock it off the small table.
I stumbled to the bathroom and flipped on a low light in search of my bottle of Excedrin, hoping that I had enough to ease the throbbing of my temples. Three left and I washed them down with water from the tap. I gradually started to wake up, trying once again to figure out why Aziraphale wasn’t in my room asleep. Granted, if we were here, he would have promptly woken up when I fell out of bed, then would have eagerly fetched me an ice pack for my hip and a cup of tea to help me fall back asleep. My foggy mind tried to retrace what happened earlier that day. Piece by piece I started to remember my most recent interaction with Aziraphale.
“... said no to hell, you’re the bad guys!” I rubbed my eyes and looked at my reflection in the mirror- can’t say I remember seeing the bags under my eyes this dark or my eyes to be this dim of shade of yellow.
…
“Tell me you said no.” I flipped open the cold water handle of my sink and briskly splashed water on my clammy face. He didn’t tell the Metatron no. Aziraphale left that bookshop with him.
“We need to get away from them, just be an us.” I felt my heart rise to my throat, I heard only the sound of it beating faster and faster.
“Oh Crowley, nothing lasts forever.” Heat was rushing to my face again, the tingling feeling of tears forming around my eyes was getting harder and harder to ignore. Especially when I can see it happening in my reflection. I shut off the bathroom light and stormed back into my bedroom, pacing around. I remembered how Aziraphale pleaded for me to join him, “I… I need you.” I needed him, still need him, will always need him too, and Aziraphale was nowhere to be seen.
“You Idiot,” my angered voice rang through my ears, even though it was said hours ago. “We could have been us.” Teardrop after teardrop started slipping down my face and I crashed myself back into my bed. I ran back to him and kissed my angel; he barely held me and was so close to saying the three words I most needed to hear when he said
“I forgive you.” I sprawled to grab my pillow and wailed, screamed into it. I screamed until my shrieking turned into weeping, then became sobbing. We were so close to carving out our little world, I was so close to hearing that he felt the same way. I saw him get into that elevator with the Metatron and I didn’t stop him. Aziraphale looked me dead in the eyes and said good riddance and left me because I’m not benevolent enough to be in heaven with him.
“...You’re the bad guys.”
I was a bloody fool to think that we would always have the bookshop.
“...Nothing lasts forever.”
I sniffled and tried to catch my pitiful breath. My ruminating was the farthest thing from a hangover cure. I rolled over and looked at the cold side of the bed once again. He’s gone, he left me behind with nothing. Now there is no use hoping to someday sleep in the same bed as him. I always figured he would have preferred that side because it’s closer to the window, and Aziraphale takes such joy in seeing the sunrise each day. Never will he tend to me when I am sick. I won’t ever get to see how cute he looks wearing his reading classes while curled in bed with a book.
Never will we share a tender kiss, a sweet embrace, or make love to one another. Would he have held me in our bed with the same mannerly touch of our casual encounters or would he have treated me salaciously and reveal himself to be more lustful and profane than any of our comrades could ever imagine. God, how I yearn to know pure and vulgar answers to my dreams.
But now I know that I will never find that out. Now I know that all of the hopes I had for us will never meet fruition. No running away together. No Alpha Centauri. All because I let him go. I will never forgive myself for leaving that bookshop behind, for not running across the street and convince him to stay.
I rolled back over to look at my alarm clock. 4:47am. The sun will rise in a few, but my Angel won’t be here to watch it with me. I consider myself a heavy sleeper, but sometimes the birds wake me up at dawn. But I’m not really worried about that today, I don't think there will be any songbirds, and there certainly won't be nightingales.