Work Text:
Hogwarts
1977
~
Regulus grew up surviving.
He didn’t have goals or dreams. He didn’t even feel very strongly about staying alive, but what else was he to do? Lay down and die? The thought was tempting. But as weak and useless as Regulus Black was, he had this small voice in the back of his mind that urged him forward. It reminded him a lot of Sirius, but Regulus tried not to think about that. It stung that the only good bit inside of him wasn’t him at all.
Regulus Black was not put on Earth to be someone, but he was forced to. He learned to straighten his spine, to raise his head. He learned how to never flinch. Regulus took pain, he preferred it. At least if he was hurting, he could convince himself he was human.
Sirius was the one who could stand his ground. His jaw was stronger, and his spine was naturally made of steel. Whenever Regulus needed to be strong, he pretended he was Sirius.
He wasn’t.
Sirius was blinding. A spark of fire in the dark. Nothing could slow or halt him. No one could stand in his way. Once Regulus had loved that about him. He had looked up to his brother. He admired the way Sirius was so sure of his morals. Then, those morals had taken Sirius away.
How dare he. What right did he have?
After all, Cissa had been the second person to tell Regulus he couldn’t be soft, Sirius was the first. Sirius had taken Regulus’s face in his hands and leaned in close.
“You care about things, Reggie. I love how soft and sweet you are, but sometimes you have to care less about everything and everyone else. You need to take care of yourself first. Animals, bugs, even Kreacher… they aren’t going to help you when you need it.”
“Why do they have to help me back? Why can’t I just help them?” Regulus frowned; he didn’t get it. Sirius always did this. He talked to Regulus as if he knew things his little brother couldn’t fathom.
“Because it doesn’t work like that. I take care of you, but I can’t do it alone. You need to watch out for yourself too.”
Regulus supposed he should have seen it coming when Sirius took his own advice. When those smaller, littler things that weren’t to be concerned with suddenly became Regulus. He hadn’t learned to stop being a burden. He was still soft and weak, Sirius probably realized he was better off.
Regulus learned to survive on his own. He turned his silence into something to be feared. He sneered when once he would have smiled, and with every day, Sirius looked on with more disgust.
“Who are you?” Sirius had snapped the year before. It’d been right after Regulus’s first Christmas without his brother.
I’m what you made me. I’m what you told me to be. You wanted me to survive, how can you blame me for it?
Sirius got to leave. Regulus stayed. He wanted to stay because Sirius was bright. He was burning, blinding, strong and steady. If one of them got to live, it had to be Sirius. Regulus wasn’t really cut out for that.
Regulus Black was made to limp through every day. Drowning, choking, numb with it all.
“Do you even remember the other night?”
Regulus didn’t open his eyes. “Remember what?”
“Marlene.”
He didn’t answer, just took a deep breath. Sometimes it was like his brain didn’t want him to breathe. Regulus would forget how to do it, so he’d move his chest up and down and pray it was working. He’d ray his lungs would decide they’d had enough air.
It always felt like he was trying to catch his breath.
Regulus opened his eyes. “What about her?”
James Potter frowned. The corners of his mouth twisted. His forehead was creased, the lines of his face painted with pain. He was too young to be looking at Regulus like that.
“She saw you Regulus, she knows about us.”
Now that James said it, Regulus did have a faint recollection of it. Mostly, he just remembered sobbing, apologizing. For what exactly? Regulus couldn’t remember. His existence, probably. The weight he put on James’s shoulder, the crease he put between the other boy’s brow.
I’m so tired of hurting you. Let me love you this time. Let me take it back. We can run away and leave all of this behind. No more what-ifs, just us.
Regulus was weak. He didn’t say that. Instead, he shrugged. “Okay.”
“Okay? Really, you have nothing more to add?”
Regulus sat up properly on the sofa. The room of requirement used to feel like something sacred between them. Now, it felt too big, too loud. It tasted of guilt. All the other versions of Regulus and James were overlaid on top of the moment. Once, Regulus was pretty sure he’d been happy here. Or as close to it as someone like him got.
Now, James was frowning. Now, his expression twisted. Aching, aching, aching.
Regulus was so tired of everything being so fucking loud. Surviving hurt.
“No, I don’t know what you want me to do. Shall I obliviate her, James?”
James flinched.
As if Regulus might actually do that. As if he were somebody else. Somebody who was made of iron and steel. Cold and unfeeling as marble. Whose spine was straight, and whose jaw was tight.
I’m not that. Regulus wanted to beg James to see him like he used to. To hold him tenderly.
James Potter was the first person who made Regulus feel like it was okay to be soft, that it was a good thing. He’d simply watched in reverent awe as Regulus learned to touch gently. Careful hands, dancing fingers. Sweet and warm, honey dripping from James’s lips.
“You’re perfect,” James used to murmur.
Now he flinched.
Regulus wanted James to be with someone who never made him frown. Someone who smiled and laughed. Someone who touched softly without needing to be taught. Someone who lived.
Regulus didn’t live. He survived, and even that was getting to be too much.
“I can’t do this tonight,” James scoffed.
He turned, towards the door. Regulus closed his eyes again. He swallowed down the knot in his throat. The irrefutable, devastating knowledge that he was losing James Potter.
Number Twelve Grimmauld Place
1979
~
The day James left. Regulus was weak. He closed his eyes, unable to watch him go.
When he opened them, he decided he would never be soft again.
Regulus was done surviving. He was going down and he was going to take the rest of the twisted fucking world with him.
Regulus wrote his goodbyes on a Monday. First was to Pandora, then Evan and Barty. Dorcas’s took the longest because Regulus wasn’t sure what to write to a dead woman. James’s was second to last, Regulus had known exactly what he wanted to say. I love you, forget about me. That pretty much summed it up.
Sirius’s was last.
It was short.
I will never forgive you. I wish you had let me die soft. You made me into this. You told me it was alright and then you left me.
I love you but I hate you. I hate you for making me.
Why couldn’t you just let me stay weak and soft and sweet?
The Black-Lupin household
1989
~
Regulus didn’t bother calling before stepping through the fire. Remus Lupin looked up from the sofa, instantly dropping his book as he met Regulus’s eyes.
“I’ll get Sirius,” he said softly.
Regulus just stood there as Remus’s footsteps retreated. A moment later, Sirius appeared, concern painting his features.
“Reggie?”
There was a soft hand on his arm, warm, familiar. Regulus let Sirius lead him out through the front door and onto the porch. He didn’t say a word.
For a long while, they just stood there, crickets singing in the distance.
“Did something happen?’ Sirius asked finally, once they’d been silent long enough for Regulus to memorize the pattern of the bugs singing.
“James and I had a fight,” Regulus mumbled.
“A bad one?” Sirius asked. Because frankly, fights were not uncommon between James and Regulus.
“I guess… I- it wasn’t even a big deal. I just feel all sharp and wrong today. Like I’m always who I used to be. I didn’t want to hurt him, so I came here. I don’t want to be steel all the time, not with him.”
“You’re not steel,” Sirius said in a careful way that told Regulus he didn’t understand. That was fine, Regulus had accepted that they would never fully understand one another. Remus always said that understanding wasn’t a prerequisite for love.
“You don’t get it.”
“Then explain it to me.”
Regulus swallowed, looking up at his brother properly for the first time since he’d stepped through the fire. Sirius had begun to look older in the past few years. It only made Regulus ache. It reminded him of how young they’d been during the war. They’d barely started their lives at all. It hurt to look at Sirius’s proper adult face some days, but Regulus forced himself. He could never shake the haunting feeling that he was lucky to watch his brother grow older. Like it was a privilege that’d nearly slipped through his fingers.
“When I was young you told me I couldn’t be soft.”
Sirius’s face scrunched in confusion. “Did I?”
“Yes, on multiple occasions. You said I was too soft and too sweet. You said I couldn’t worry about everyone else and that I needed to take care of myself. Don’t you remember the thing with the bird?”
Sirius shook his head and Regulus let out a frustrated sound.
“Hey,” Sirius said quietly. Reaching out to touch Regulus’s arm. He always did that these days, touching. Sirius seemed to constantly crave a point of contact, anything to be sure he really had Regulus in front of him. Regulus let him touch because he’d experienced far worse things than being treated affectionately by his brother. “I suppose I vaguely recall telling you to take care of yourself. You were always doing stupid things. But what bird?”
“There was a bird, I was trying to help it, and I got a hand full of splinters in the process. You pulled them out and told me that I had to put myself above the bird. That I couldn’t help every little hurt thing. You don’t remember that?”
“I- I’m sorry Regulus, clearly it’s important to you, but I don’t remember.”
Regulus felt a scowl twist his face. He reached up the stone he’d worn around his neck since he was ten. Sirius had given it to him before he left for Hogwarts and Regulus had never taken it off. Sirius had told him that necklace was part of what caused him to give Regulus a chance. Remus had dropped Regulus on James and Lily’s sofa. He was half-dead, and a probable Death Eater for all they knew, but Regulus still wore the necklace Sirius had given him. Maybe, that was proof enough of his humanity. Or maybe it just reminded Sirius that Regulus was his brother before he was anything else.
“Sirius,” Regulus whispered hoarsely. “That ruined my fucking life. I- It’s consumed me for years— No, it still consumes me, and you don’t even remember it!”
“I’m sorry—”
“No, don’t apologize it’s not your fault!”
Sirius blinked. “You say that, but you’re yelling at me.”
Regulus paused. “I—”
“I know.” And Sirius was still touching his arm, warm, steady, gentle. As if the Black brothers had never been anything else. As if they hadn’t spent years with a chasm between them.
Regulus didn’t speak again until he was sure his voice would come out level. “I don’t blame you, I’m responsible for my own actions. But you told me not to be soft,” Regulus whispered. “I made myself into something else. Even all these years later, I don’t know how to unmake that person. I left James tonight because everything was coming out sharp and hard. I was this person made of steel and iron, unforgiving and cruel. I don’t want to be that person, but sometimes I think it’s as much a part of me as who I was born as. I’m tired of hurting people.”
“Who are you hurting?”
“I- what?”
“Who are you hurting right now, Regulus? It’s not me, it’s not Remus. It’s not James either, because you recognized you might act harshly and put distance between you. When you’re ready, you’ll go back home and apologize, and he’ll forgive you. He’ll love you to fucking death because James isn’t capable of anything else. So, I don’t think you are that person. No one is all one or the other. You can be soft and still be sharp sometimes. War hardens people, and that can’t be changed. What matters is that you’re careful.”
Regulus swallowed. “You’re not supposed to be so wise,” he choked out.
“Oh, come on,” Sirius murmured. “I’ve always been wiser than you give me credit for.”
“Really? So you know better, you just act stupid anyway?”
“There’s a difference between being stupid and living a little,” Sirius scoffed.
Living.
Once Regulus had thought he’d never manage it. Yet, here they were. He was pretty sure he wasn’t just surviving anymore.
“Sirius?”
“Yeah?”
“You remember how I said I wrote you a letter before I went off to the cave?”
“That one I do remember.”
“Never read it, okay?’
“Reg—”
“Promise you won’t.”
Sirius’s eyes were narrowed, flicking over Regulus’s face in confusion. “…Okay,” he said finally. A pause. “I almost did once.”
Regulus stiffened. “What?”
“It was still right there on your bed,” Sirius explained. “I went back to that damned house some years back—after the war had ended and you’d come home. It was the last time I did. The letter was there, and I remembered you mentioning it at the Battle of Hogwarts. But I decided not to read it.”
“Why not?” Regulus asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
“Because I didn’t need to hear whatever eighteen-year-old Reggie had to say to me. I have you.”
“Oh—” Regulus could finish his sentence, the words seemed to get clogged in his throat. Sirius just smiled softly, folding Regulus into his arms.
They stood like that for a long time. The crickets chirped; the stars shined down from above.
“I love you,” Sirius whispered.
“Fuck you.”
“Try again.”
It Regulus a moment. Sirius waited.
“I love you too.”
--
The house was quiet when Regulus returned. Harry was with Lily that weekend, which was the only reason an argument had been allowed to escalate in the first place.
Regulus toed off his shoes, pausing to take a deep breath. James had left the kitchen light on. It was a dim sliver of light shining into the living room, but it was purposeful. James had left it on to light the way when Regulus returned.
James had left a light on for him. It was equivalent to an emotional sucker punch to the gut. For a moment, Regulus could only stand there trying to remember how to breathe.
Eventually, he took a step forward and then another, heading down the hall and opening their bedroom door. James was sitting on the bed. He had a book in his hand and a quill twirling between his fingers. Normally, he would have been asleep by now, but he’d been waiting for Regulus.
Instantly, because he was truly pathetic, Regulus burst into tears.
“Whoa, love.” James was out of bed instantly, his book dropped carelessly. “Hey, hey,” he said gently, catching Regulus by the arm.
Regulus just cried harder throwing his arms around James. There was no complaint from James, he just pulled Regulus close, pressing his nose into the spot under Regulus’s ear.
Once, Regulus could have waxed poetry about how James smelled. Now the only descriptor he could come up with was home.
James held Regulus until his sobs had lessened. He leaned back to kiss the tears from Regulus’s cheeks, cupping his face.
“Should we talk about the fight, or do you think that’s best left for tomorrow?”
“Are you angry with me right now?”
“Not anymore.”
“Then we can talk tomorrow.”
“Okay,” James said softly. “Do you want to tell me why you’re crying? Is it about the fight?”
“Kind of… not really. Y-you left the light on for me.”
“Course I did.”
“You waited.”
“I always do.”
“Why?” Regulus demanded.
“Because you always come back,” James said as if it were simple.
“I don’t want you to think I’m someone I’m not.”
James’s lips twitched downward, eyes searching Regulus’s face. “I know who you are.”
“I’m not always soft. I know, sometimes you make me soft. You make me warm and sweet. I feel right when I'm by your side, but sometimes you make me sharp. Sometimes, I’m still angry and twisted and I don’t want you to forget—”
“Regulus,” James cut him off firmly. “I know who you are.”
Regulus fell silent, simply blinking up at his partner. James sighed shaking his head.
“I know, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s dropped, Regulus. It dropped and then spent years beating us over the head. I knew you’d come back because that’s how it works. I always wait and you always come back to me. I get this is still hard for you to understand, so let me be very clear. I know who you are, and I love you. No conditions, no buts, just that. I love you.”
“Jamie…”
James leaned down to press a kiss to Regulus’s forehead, then another to his cheek and under his eye. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“Okay.”
“Do you believe me?”
“Yeah,” Regulus whispered. “I do.”
“Good.” James kissed Regulus on the lips this time, warm and sweet. It was slow and Regulus put every bit of himself into that kiss because he needed James to know all the things he was still working up the courage to say.
It’s you. I think I’ve loved you in every lifetime. I think we were made for each other in every universe. I think we got lucky in this one. The fates do love their tragedies.
“I love you,” Regulus mumbled into James’s lips, and for the time being, that seemed to be enough because James just kissed him harder. As if he were trying to claim Regulus, consume him. I’m already yours, Regulus wanted to say. He didn’t, because he barely had enough space to breathe, much less speak. That was okay.
They would have to discuss their fight in the morning, but maybe by then, it’d seem insignificant. Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe, they’d argue again. Either way, they’d figure it out. They’d gotten through far worse.
For the moment, James was kissing Regulus and nothing else existed beyond that. Whether Regulus was soft or sharp, James Potter loved all of it.
Someday, when James touched him in reverent awe or when Sirius kissed him on the forehead. When Lily laid her head on Regulus’s shoulder and Remus smiled at him like it was easy… Regulus would stop wondering if he was soft.
He’d just live instead.