Chapter Text
Heizou doesn't often have celebratory dinners.
He knows that he's supposed to. It's some unwritten rule at the Tenryou Commission, and had been even back at the detective agency - a job well done means a celebratory dinner. A couple of drinks. A good night's sleep after laughter and happiness and telling each other we did well. We worked hard. We deserve a break now.
Heizou doesn't often do it - because he doesn't often work on a team. And back at the agency, there was very little laughter and telling each other that they did well, and much more bickering and vowing to poison each other's food when the other turned around.
To be honest, Heizou doesn't like the idea of celebrating the end of a case. It seems like making a big deal out of something that should be natural order. Solving a case isn't something glorious - it's just fixing something that was wrong. Returning things to the state that they should be in.
You don't have a celebratory dinner every time you fix the leak in your roof.
But then again, maybe you should.
Today, though - today is cause for celebration. Today he's achieved something for real.
"Two katsu sandwiches, please," he says, already flipping through his wallet for the required mora.
"Anything else?"
"That will be all, thank you."
Maybe a street vendor isn't the first place he's supposed to go to for a celebratory dinner, but when has he ever done these things right. What matters is that the food here is great. Heizou will find himself a secluded spot under a tree and eat and think about how everything in his life is just great right now.
The approval letter for Heizou Talks Fraud sits in his pocket and it's ridiculous how happy it makes him. Heizou has had the script written for months. Multiple scripts, for multiple showings. He already has in mind all the people he will drag into acting, some of them past criminals, some of them people who owe him favours, some of them innocent people on the streets that he's had an eye on to trick into working for him.
His life is truly great right now.
"Here you go, sir."
Heizou takes his sandwiches, one in each hand, thanks the woman again, and then he's off on his way.
The streets of Inazuma are busy. It's late in the evening, everyone is off work, and the sakura petals are starting to fall. Crime rates are down by some specific percent, that Heizou doesn't remember because he hadn't bothered listening to the report.
There's a spot he has in mind - a place he often sits at for meals with Kazuha. If the wind is right, or the stars are aligned, or if whatever the heck Kazuha checks to decide whether he should appear or not is right today - then maybe Heizou will get to see him.
Good food, a friend, and a good day.
This celebration is perfect already.
"Those look delicious," a voice says next to him.
It doesn't startle him.
He'd noticed the man from a while ago. From before he bought his sandwiches, from before he even decided to buy them.
The man had followed him, not even taking the care to hide himself. Just followed him, out in public, as if it wasn't a weird thing to do.
Heizou had just been waiting for him to speak.
/
"You need my help," Heizou says.
It isn't hard to figure out.
The man is a foreigner, but not a tourist. He doesn't live here, nor does he seem to be employed. He's a vision holder but he keeps his vision stuffed haphazardly in his pocket, as if he has no interest in wielding it and carries it around the way one would carry a handkerchief.
The most conspicuous thing about him is the eye patch over one eye, but to Heizou's careful gaze, it's only a distraction from his other eye.
The eye of Khaenriah.
But the man smiles, carefree.
He looks charming, Heizou will give him that. Even if he is withdrawn. Even if he appears to be unarmed, but Heizou can see the hints of the knives hidden in his sleeves.
"Incredible," the man says, and he sounds impressed - but Heizou can tell it's a controlled act. "I didn't even say hello."
"You followed me in broad daylight," Heizou says. "I sincerely doubt it's to ask to be my friend."
"Don't sell yourself short, detective," the man says. "Plenty of people would follow you in broad daylight to be your friend."
"They might," Heizou agrees, because he has met his share of weird people in his life. "But not you."
"Do I seem so shady?"
"No, you seem lost."
The words take the man by surprise.
It's clear that that wasn't how he expected the conversation to go.
"What do you need?" Heizou asks. "It can't be a usual case. You'd have approached me in my office. And it can't be pressing, or you'd have stopped me sooner."
"I heard you're a hard man to catch at your office."
Heizou looks at him more carefully, sizing him up. The tiredness he carries, the worn out fabric of his clothes. The way he holds himself tall, as if he's used to it. As if it's been expected of him, day in and day out.
"What's your name?" Heizou asks.
"Kaeya."
"Kaeya. Your full name?"
The man hesitates.
He hesitates for too long, with every second adding to the importance of whatever he says next.
"Ragnvindr."
It's said quietly, as if he isn't allowed to say it. It doesn't roll off his tongue as easy as a real name - but Heizou can tell it isn't a total lie.
"Kaeya Ragnvindr," Heizou repeats to himself.
The man's shoulders tense up, like he's hearing something he must never hear.
Heizou files that expression away for later.
"I'm Shikanoin Heizou." He says, holding out a sandwich. "Do you want one?"
Kaeya takes it from him gratefully. Heizou wonders when he last ate.
"So, Kaeya Ragnvindr," he says. "Do you have experience with theatre?"
/
They strike up an easy deal.
What Kaeya wants, is to find a man. Not a criminal. Not a missing person. Not an estranged family member.
Just a person who, he says, has no records of ever existing.
"I don't even know his name," he says. "But he calls himself the wanderer."
It's an odd request, but not the strangest that anyone has brought to Heizou.
And he's curious.
What could bring a man this far, from Mondstadt to Inazuma, in search of someone he doesn't even know the name of?
So he offers to help.
And in return - Kaeya will perform in his play.
"I'd make an excellent scammer," Kaeya says, sounding much too proud of the fact.
Heizou stares at him from over his script.
It's early evening, a couple of days later, and Heizou finally has time off work. He'd grabbed whoever he could for a quick rehearsal. It's just him, Kaeya, and two people Heizou had caught pickpocketing once - Ruka and Natsume.
They're rehearsing right outside the Bantan Sango Detective Agency, because all Heizou does is ask for trouble.
"That's great," Heizou says. "But you aren't the scammer. You're the detective."
Kaeya looks at the script like it's personally offended him.
Heizou claps his hands together once. "From the top," he says. "Kaeya, you're up."
For all the faces he'd made once he found out he didn't get to play the bad guy - Kaeya is stellar at the foolish detective act.
He smiles, and fakes cheer, and then looks adequately sad and sympathetic when Natsume pours out his woes, easily falling for his fantastical tales of how Kaeya is his last hope at life. It's beautiful to see. It's everything Heizou had dreamed of. A play that could shake Inazuma and make people aware of all the worst ways to fall for criminals, all in one.
Heizou keeps narrating, happier than he's been in days, as Kaeya makes a big deal of wondering if he's being scammed or not.
The man glances at Heizou once. His one eye amused, watching.
Heizou catches the look and frowns, unsure of what it means.
And then he finds out - because Kaeya, to his horror, starts scamming the scammers right back.
He's charming, all smiles, as he talks them through their own plans, points out all the logical inconsistencies. "You'd be caught once the money shifts hands," he says, and "If I'd happened to check the bulletins this morning, I'd already know your story was a lie." But instead of stopping there, he pushes forward, with "but, as a detective, I already know the routes that smugglers take," and "for a simple price, I could get you insider information - I'd just need an advance pay," and -
"Cut," Heizou calls out.
Kaeya looks amused. Natsume and Ruka, the poor souls, look confused as hell.
"He went off script," Ruka says, pointing at Kaeya accusingly, as if no one else had noticed this fact.
"You," Heizou says, looking flatly at Kaeya's amused expression. "Why are you starting a business instead of catching the frauds."
"Anyone could be a fraud," Kaeya points out. "Your play sets an unfair example. The poor strangers from a far off land are the scammers while the detective is righteous. What about corruption?"
"I'm a government official," Heizou deadpans. "It would be weird if I put on a play telling everyone to keep an eye on me because I may be a fraud."
"That's a fair point," Kaeya agrees.
"But corruption is something to talk about too, I'll add that to the next play. But for now, let's rehearse this one, alright?" He claps his hands together again. "Once more."
They start over again.
It's as big a disaster as the first time.
Heizou smoothens it the best he can with his narration, but even then it's a disaster.
"- and Detective Kaeya, who appears to have lost his script, lets himself dream of a younger, happier time, when his wits were not quite shattered that he would fall for such scams."
"I was young and happy once," Kaeya says obligingly, as dramatically as he can. "And oh, how old I am now. How miserable. The only way to find meaning in my life is to inflict upon the world the pain these frauds tried to inflict on me."
"Aaaand Detective Kaeya loses himself to the logistics of hurt people hurt people, unaware that such explanations for fraud do not stand in court - "
"I may be imprisoned for this but at least, I will go down with my pride intact - "
"- or rather he is plenty aware, and does not seem to care, which, dear viewers, is the worst sort of criminal but also easy to catch, as men like Detective Kaeya make no attempt to hide - "
"I didn't know this would be improv," Ruka whines, on the verge of crying. "I thought we have a script."
"And the scam falls apart, as Ruka, outsmarted by the detective, can not handle the disturbing number of questions he was asked. So the lesson here today has been to ask many questions, verify all your information, stay vigilant always, and to please for the love of the archons read your scripts. This has been Heizou Talks Fraud, have a nice day!"
/
"Alright," Heizou agrees, a couple of days and disastrous plays later. "You can play the scammer."
Kaeya grins so wide that Heizou blinks at him.
Had it really meant so much to him?
They're sitting outside Heizou's house, in the middle of nowhere, drinking dango milk. Heizou doesn't drink it often, but Kaeya had bought it for him as an apology for completely ignoring his script and driving his actors insane, so here they are.
"Thank you," Kaeya says.
"I have never met someone so desperate to not play the part of a detective. Here I was thinking my job was seen as cool."
"It's plenty cool," Kaeya says. "It's nothing personal, detective. I just - I worked for the government too, and it gets stifling. I wanted to play the bad guys for a while."
Heizou glances at him, then turns back to his milk. Kaeya as a government official - it isn't as odd as it sounds. Heizou himself is one, and he's barely ever followed a rule in his life.
"Who were you?" he asks. "Back in Mondstadt."
Kaeya is quiet for a long time.
It's something Heizou has noticed about him, in just these few days - the man finds the simplest of questions too hard to answer.
Everything means too much for him, and he reacts to it by laughing and pretending it all means nothing at all.
"I was a knight," he says at last.
"A knight?"
Kaeya hesitates. "Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius."
It's a fancy title.
It's possibly one of the fanciest titles Heizou has heard from Mondstadt. He's never been there, but has heard stories from Kazuha, and follows the news enough to be informed about the political status of various regions - so he knows there is probably only one superior Kaeya reported to.
And he's left it all behind to come here, in search of a man with no name.
But more importantly - "I thought Mondstadt had lost its cavalry."
Kaeya winces. "Yes, since the Grand Master left us we've been… short staffed."
"What do you do?" Heizou asks, musing more to himself than actually asking. "A cavalry captain without his cavalry."
"Well, apparently I travel to different countries and ruin people's plays."
"That's a fine way to live, for sure," Heizou agrees.
He raises his dango milk in a toast.
Kaeya raises his own.
It's a little silly.
/
Making Kaeya the scammer, it turns out, makes things even worse.
In Kaeya's defense, it's absolutely not his fault.
He plays the part to perfection. He sweet talks like no one else and charms the actor playing the detective out of his mind, and the man forgets that he's supposed to be stopping himself from being scammed and starts signing away his money to hand to Kaeya instead.
Heizou clears his throat.
"And the detective, temporarily, gets lost in the eyes of another man, but who doesn't, really - but then he remembers where he is. And who he is. And what might have happened to him, had he finished his signature on that document."
"I did finish my signature," the man says, alarmed.
Honestly, Heizou doesn't know why he writes a script.
"To his horror, he realizes he finished his signature, but there's a simple way to fix this - by tearing up the document itself."
The man stares at him.
Kaeya leans a little closer to the man, whispering. "He wants you to tear the document up."
"Oh."
The man tears it up.
It's bad enough that the actors are a mess, but the audience, if anything, is worse. Heizou hears three different kids talking about how cool the scammer was and did you see him did you see how confident he was did you see how smart he was I want to be just like him. He'd had to approach all three of them and explain that the scammer was the bad guy, and they'd nodded and said of course, detective and then happily run away in search of an eyepatch.
Heizou is a little afraid of what effects his play has had for future crime rates.
At one part of the play he heard someone sigh behind him and say, "He's so pretty. I'd let him scam me."
And a chorus of people agreed.
Everything is a mess.
"This was my life's work," he confesses to Kaeya, who looks far too amused for someone who has possibly converted a bunch of innocent kids to be frauds.
They're at a restaurant this time, since Kaeya had offered to buy him food as an apology for once again somehow ruining up his play.
"Really?" Kaeya seems surprised.
"Really." The food is delicious, Heizou doesn't often remember to eat good food. He mostly just eats whatever he finds lying around his house. Or in his office. Sometimes Kazuha leaves food at his door, but then he denies it and pretends it was the wind.
"There's no point in just catching criminals," Heizou says. "You have to stop the crime before it happens. Otherwise it's pointless - everyone is still hurt whether you catch the criminal or not."
Kaeya is quiet for a long moment. "That's right," he says, and he sounds strangely sincere. It's an odd emotion that Heizou can't decipher. "The world would be a better place if we all thought like you, detective."
Heizou shakes his head. "It's what everyone wants," he says. "It's just that no one knows how to make it happen."
They eat in silence for a while. Kaeya appears to be thinking.
"I know what to do," he says at last.
"Hm?" Heizou prompts.
"I know how to make your play change everything."
"Do tell."
"You need to make your characters more frightening."
Heizou shakes his head. "It needs to be lighthearted," he says. "It's the only way people will stop in the streets and watch. I want the information to stick with them - but I don't want it to ruin their day."
"That's fair," Kaeya says, "Then we have to do the opposite. We have to make it more ridiculous."
"I'm a little offended that you find it ridiculous."
"Through no fault of your own," Kaeya appeases. "It's… mostly my fault, I'll admit. But the more ridiculous it is, the more it'll stick with them. The more exaggerated the lines, the more they'll remember. And then when they hear someone use those same lines against them, they'll instantly see it for the scam it is."
It's a good point.
Heizou tried to keep his play simple, honestly, but he may have to embrace it for the absolute mess it has become.
He stands up abruptly.
"Where are you going?"
"To write a new script."
"You could do that after dinner, you know."
Heizou considers it.
It is pretty good food.
Who knows the next chance he'll get to remember to eat good food.
He sits back down.
/