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"HAI– Miyano!" It’s amazing how he’s whispering but his voice sounds loud at the same time. "Kudo-kun." Shiho replies while sitting on the table next to him, he leans closer to whisper that this is exactly how they met the first time, and maybe she should put on a scary face just for old-time’s sake. She didn’t give him a scary face, just a flat one, and that seems to satisfy him, ‘Yeah, just like that.’ That grin on his face didn’t disappear for a whole day.
Whoever this Shiho is… Well.
It started this morning, Ran didn’t think much of it when their teacher announced that there will be a new transfer student named Shiho Miyano. The moment the ball rang, she walked in; light, short brown hair and golden eyes framed by black-rimmed glasses that seemed awfully familiar.
She didn’t think much of it until she visibly saw Shinichi’s eyes light up.
Seeing Shinichi and Shiho’s interaction, Sonoko instantly leaned close to her best friend, almost knocking her chair over with how far she was leaning on it. "Ran! What should we do about her?"
"Should we do about…? Ah, Sonoko, what do you mean…?"
Oh, she knows what Sonoko is implying, because without being told to, Miyano already made way to sit next to Shinichi, something that the man already seems used to if his relaxed body language is anything to go by. "Kudo-kun." She would call him, and while Shinichi used her family name for a while, he just seems… uncomfortable, and even before the day ends, he is already calling her 'Shiho.' Something that seems so natural to him, not an ounce of awkwardness around them.
This Miyano just transferred today but apparently Shinichi has known her for a long time, when Ran asked about it, he just said that she is his friend, a researcher who helped him once in a while when he had disappeared in the past on his apparently long crusade against injustice or something. He was working as a detective and he helped her along the way. That’s the story she was given, the narrative that Shinichi has insisted on quite happily. So, what is she supposed to do other than believe him?
Sonoko decided to bite the bullet and do what Ran cannot, she walks across the room during their break and greets Shiho herself.
“Hey! My name is Sonoko, nice to meet you!” She hold out her hand, Miyano paused before shaking it, only then did Sonoko notice that there is a small smile on her face. Wait… Maybe she was wrong all along? Sonoko was ready to demonize this girl (for all the wrong reasons) but Miyano, while seeming to be rather nonchalant with others, scoots over her chair so Sonoko can sit on the chair next to her.
“Miyano, nice to meet you.”
“How are you liking it so far?”
“It’s nice.”
Huh. She’s not the type that talks a lot, that’s a challenge that won't deter Sonoko though, she will find out more about this girl even if she has to go all detective on her. “Hey, Miyano? You seem so close to Shinichi-kun. I heard that you helped him a lot in the past?”
The smile turns into a small chuckle. “Ah… Yes, I guess I did help him a lot in the past…” You did too. She thinks. You were there, every step of the way. Sonoko Suzuki, the last time they talk feels like years ago even though it’s only been a few months. She feels weird about this, unnerved… sorrowful. Sonoko is talking to her as a total stranger, she knows that the other is trying to dig every little detail from her on the first try but it’s futile. When it comes to keeping secrets, well, she thinks she’s some kind of an expert.
Shiho had crafted a whole new life for herself, she was a researcher who moved here a few months ago to be closer to her future University. She had chosen Biochemistry as her major just in case someone starts snooping around. She can’t be too close publicly to Professor Agasa of course since she does look like… She doesn’t want to think about that too much, no one does, the wounds are still too fresh. Of both Ai and Conan disappearance… That’s another story she doesn’t have the energy to tell.
Now… her relationship with Shinchi is easier to craft, they just pick cases that involve her expertise and chalk up their closeness as something friendly yet professional merely because of their shared age and intelligence.
So much for keeping that persona though, Shinichi gets sloppy when it comes to things like these.
Sonoko is waiting for more explanation but all Shiho gave is a soft smile, just before she starts asking again, Ran, who had walked there quietly, holds her best friend’s shoulder as a way to stop her.
“Mouri-san, right?”
“Ah…” She seems surprised that Miyano is addressing her directly. “Yes, that’s me.”
“Kudo-kun talks a lot about you.”
Now that , that made her blush and it was so obvious that it made Shiho smiles under her breath. Ran… She hasn’t changed at all.
None of them have, only she and Shinichi have changed.
=
Ran doesn't know how to feel after meeting Shiho for the first time.
'She's my friend!' Shinichi introduced her, Ran wondered if she is being too sensitive after being separated from her boyfriend for far too long… he told her that they were close despite talking like she is strictly his friend. The story is, Shinichi met her during one of his long, frustrating cases and she, a scientist, had helped him crack it by identifying the rare type of poison used by the culprit, and they have been friends ever since.
Ran feels the seeds of jealousy right there and then which is odd… It wasn’t there when she talked to Miyano herself. But the moment Shinichi started talking about her, there was an almost shameful heaviness in her chest, thinking that she was overreacting. Why… why is she feeling like this?
It has only been a day, yet Shinichi had stopped using her family name entirely. It’s never Miyano-san like others refer her to. For him, she was just Shiho. It's always Shiho. Shiho this, Shiho that, Shinichi has no idea how many times he mentions her in his conversation with others and it’s only been a day. He’s just excited. Ran tells herself, his friend from his time away is transferring close, why shouldn’t he be?
It’s normal, it’s nothing serious. So, why does she still feel uneasy?
The next few days after her arrival, Shinichi stopped talking to her and about her so excitedly, it seems like everything has mellowed down into normalcy again. Ran felt the heaviness go away naturally and both she and Shinichi fall back into place of this sweet, happy couple.
Yet one single conversation seems to light the fire back up, something that she merely overheard.
Shiho and Ran have the same cleaning duty and Shinichi, while being assigned a different day, always lingered around her as always despite the constant teasing of both of them being those couple that are too clingy to one another. Ran was throwing the paper garbage into the recycling bag when she hears it;
“Honestly, why are you still using that one, it’s old, you know!”
“I quite like it, is that a crime?”
“Just ask Professor Agasa for a new one. If you really liked it that much, at least used the latest one I had.”
I had.
That was the words Shinichi used. The glasses that Miyano is wearing… It used to belong to Shinichi…? Does Shinichi even need glasses?
Ran breathes heavy, because that's not a normal thing to do, is it? No matter how close friends are, she wouldn't wear Sonoko's old glasses for whatever reason, it's not something that friends do, right? Her chest hurts so much it feels like she might just burst into tears any minute now.
And those glasses… They look exactly like the one Conan used to wear, Conan who suddenly disappeared from her life. Two men that have both disappeared or changed, never to return to her. And yet somehow, one of them is a big part of Miyano’s still mysterious past.
The feeling grew even heavier when Shinichi took Ran to England for a long overdue vacation, and after a fun, 3 days of exciting activities, before they return the next day, the both of them decided to browse souvenirs for everyone back home.
During the shopping, Shinichi came to her, holding two pretty handmade mugs, and asked which one girls would like more; the rustic one or the smooth one.
"Girls…?" Ran frowns, isn't that just too big of a generalization? Every girl likes different things, she and Sonoko like the smooth one more but Sera might like the rustic one. She wanted to ask Shinichi who the gift is for when realization hits her.
Ah… so that's what this is…
At that moment, rather than answer, she instead told Shinichi to… “Shinichi, you know Miyano-san best, which one do you think she would like more?” She’s telling him that he doesn’t have to use words like ‘girls’ to pretend that he didn’t have a specific one in mind.
And then innocently, he replied. "Ah, right, good point. I'll buy the rustic one then.” Satisfied with his decision, he even added in amusement, “She would never admit it but she does like collecting these little things.”
Ran swallows a sigh…Shinichi, you're so dense, why can't you understand?
As a famous, brilliant detective… How could you miss what she’s implying? Is a man always so obvious to signs of a woman’s heart hurting?
=
The bath water has already turned cold but Shiho is still sitting there, the way her skin shivers doesn’t seem to bother her at all. Perhaps she’s used to the discomfort in more ways than one.
She has Conan’s old glasses in her hand, and she's reminiscing… what he said to her reminded her of something, of the early days after they finally returned to their old bodies…
Just a day after they drank the antidote and she realized that she is now back in her new body, forever, unlike Shinichi who was already up and about making new plans on, well, everything, Shiho was petrified in fear. Regret is not the word, but she had so many things that she felt like she had to do, that she needed to settle as Haibara Ai. What about the kids? The first thing she can think of was the kids… She should’ve said something before, should’ve let them say goodbye. She robbed them of that chance and now they would probably never find peace in that section of their life. Their life will go on as normal, Ayumi, Mitsuhiko and Genta would grow up wondering where their friend went. How is it that, in the span of merely a few days, Conan and Ai disappeared? Their two closest friends… disappeared without a trace. They can't text, they can't call. They couldn't even say goodbye.
The thought stressed her out so much that she went to Professor Agasa’s house despite knowing she shouldn’t, he wasn't there, probably out to do a grocery run, but she didn't care and pretty much ransacked the house. Though when he returned, he didn’t say anything about the state of his lab, didn’t even stop her who was still ransacking his inventory. He didn’t say a thing when he, without being asked to, handed her what he knew she needed.
Conan said long ago, and frequently, that his glasses will protect her from everyone and everything, that when she has them on, she will be safe.
She wanted to feel safe so desperately that night…
She cried on Professor Agasa’s arm and went back to her newly rented apartment all puffy-eyed with a pair of Conan’s glasses fitting snugly on her face like it has always had in the past. Shinichi didn’t say a thing when he saw her wearing them during their almost-routine video call. He didn’t make a comment, but he did offer her something. “Say, Shiho.” It’s still so hard on the tongue, but there’s no way they could go back to the way it was. No more Haibara Ai.
“Shiho?”
“Hm?”
“Can I come over to help you unpack?”
She agreed, of course she did. So, Shinichi came the next day, carrying the boxes he subtly carried out of Professor Agasa’s house, which she admitted is not many, Shinichi stayed to help her set up her computers and other equipment since that’s the only thing that she had that she can still use anyway. She left her knick-knacks behind; her old Higo posters, her little Detective Boys matching accessories, her… her… everything, just everything of her old life, she’s never going to move on if she kept them lingering in her new home, her now empty, quiet apartment, just like she liked it no? No. Not anymore…
“Should I place it here?” No answer. “Shiho?” Shinichi’s voice pulls her out of her mind, she merely nods at his question, Shinichi then continues to mount her main screen above her work table, it’s good to have someone just as knowledgeable as her around.
“Alright, I’ll sleep here then.”
What? Shiho stared at Shinichi questioningly when the man drags one of her pillows and a smaller blanket onto the newly bought sofa, throwing them there nonchalantly before he asks what she wants for dinner because he’s ‘totally buying’, a treat after their tiring move.
“But…” Why? She wants to ask. Why is he staying here? How did he know that she needs him here?
“It’s fine, Shiho.” He answered her unsaid questions. For a flash there, she felt like Conan is back, which is ridiculous since Shinichi is Conan, but unlike the others, it was him that she was close to. It was Conan that she hid behind when she was scared, it was him who always somehow knew that she needed his help.
Just like now, Shinichi is Conan, he knows that she needed help.
“Now! What do you want to eat?”
It’s been a while since she ate something indulgent so she said ‘whatever you want’, and now she ended up with a bucket of chicken wings and too many nuggets. She braced herself for it, bites into the hot wings and feels the crazy salty taste and managed not to gag. It tastes good.
…
This is so stupid. Why is she crying over chicken wings? Why is she crying in front of Shinichi of all people?
Of course the great detective knew why, but he doesn’t ask when Shiho quickly put the food back, and sits there silently, Shinichi scooting closer so their bodies pressed together side by side and just kept eating.
She misses the professor, she used to berate him every time the man would order fast food and it ends up with her trying to make a leaner version of the things he’s craving, like an oven-baked crispy chicken, or a homemade beef curry. She doesn’t have him around anymore, just another reminder of how scary change is. Just when she settled into one life, she was thrust into another.
“You do need to eat though.” Shinichi reminds her, and after giving her some hot tea to calm down, they spend the night eating greasy, unhealthy fast food while watching some rerun of a soccer match.
It’s a mix of exhaustion and time, they couldn’t fight the drowsiness any longer and Shiho retreats back to her bed while Shinichi settles with mouthwash, wearing Shiho’s biggest shirt with his boxers and pretty much passed out on the couch.
Despite how sleepy he is, he wasn’t that surprised when he felt Shiho shaking him awake. Her breathing erratic, and she’s wearing his old glasses. Shinichi brought her some water and that night they slept together in her bedroom. No matter how safe they are now, nightmares know no bounds and Shiho being plagued by one is nothing new.
They wake up pressed together and Shinichi decides to skip class that day, his reasoning is that Shiho will enroll soon anyway and he could use a little break. Break from what? She asked and Shinichi just gave her his little laugh, one he gave whenever he doesn’t want to explain himself.
No more fast-food though, Shiho made some rice and heated up the curry and baked fish that Akai-san gave her because he made ‘too much’ again. Shinichi thinks it’s sweet how Akai still visits Shiho at least once per week to check up on her even though she’s not hunted anymore. Even if Shiho doesn’t particularly like his visits, Akai does bring food and buy her groceries once in a while, it’s as if he just knows when Shiho just can’t function normally. She hates to admit that it is sweet of him.
The curry taste good too, she instinctively told him not to eat more but then realize that this is Shinichi and not Professor and he can eat however he wants. Right…
Because of his help, Shiho managed to fill her apartment in a day, all of her equipment settled and her furniture all cleaned up. It’s… Good. It’s good. Shinichi doesn’t have to be there anymore and yet here he is, with her, dragging her out to a mall, saying that they need to start stocking up her fridge, she knows he’s doing this to distract her and hey, it worked.
She felt way better than yesterday, before Shinichi went home, he hands her his other glasses. “Keep it, that one you’re wearing is old, Shiho.” And he doesn’t want her to panic if she ever breaks it. He wants to protect her even now in his own weird way.
=
Shiho wonders if she has been the one that’s ignoring the signs or if Shinichi is the one that has been hiding it so damn well that even someone like her didn’t notice it. Because how could she miss the fact that when she was breaking down, he was also unfurling at the seams?
"Kudo-kun…?"
"I know it's late…" It's 2 AM to be exact, he's soaking from the rain that poured when he was already halfway to her apartment, he didn't bring his umbrella, from the looks of it, not even his phone and wallet. "But can I stay over?" She moves away from the door to let the man in and Shinichi enters.
Shiho realized just how many times Shinichi had stayed over since she already have a few clothes (and even his underwear) tucked on the side of her wardrobe, she chose the most comfortable shirt and a loose pair of shorts knocking on the bathroom door, waiting till Shinichi's hand peeked from behind the door to grab the clothes and dry towels. She had insisted that he needs to take a long hot shower to make sure he doesn't catch a cold.
As always though, Shinichi isn't one to just, give out whatever it is that upset him, when he got out they just went about their night, drinking tea before sleeping on Shiho's bed together.
It's supposed to be like that every time he visits, they'll spend time together talking about anything and everything as long as it's not about their past and certain parts of the present. And then they'll go back to sleep.
Just like tonight, they spent an hour doing absolutely nothing aside from Shiho sitting Shinichi down to blow dry his hair. Now they're on the bed again, Shinichi seems to be out in a light, Shiho was about to sleep too, her back towards him when she got reminded of something. "Kudo-kun, did you bring your uniform?" Today is Monday night and he will be late if he didn–
…
"Kudo-kun?"
Shinichi didn’t answer as his hand slowly held her waist, slowly, slowly , hugging her. They slept like that, that night, Shinichi hugging her body tight, the both of them haven't felt that well-rested in the morning for what seemed like forever.
It was so innocent, wasn’t it? Just two friends cuddling together?
Now the problem is when it didn’t stay innocent.
After that night, somehow Shinichi hugging him turns into Shiho, ever so slowly (just like everything they do), so… so slowly… kisses him on her bed. It was something very quiet, Shinichi had never heard a clock ticking that loudly, how it made the sound of their lips parting somehow louder than their voices.
None of them said anything. They just… went to sleep.
=
It was just one time, just one time that doesn't mean anything. Kissing in this context (what is the context anyway?) Doesn't mean a thing.
That's what Shinichi keeps telling himself when he kissed Shiho again a few nights after.
But the problem came when the kiss also didn't stay merely as a kiss.
It was the nightmares. Always. Always the damn nightmares…
He dreamt of that night, when Shiho was once again kidnapped and held captive by the Organization inside of a real, hellish submarine. They managed to escape by the skin of their teeth. They survived, none of them sustained any serious injuries, life continued on as normal. That is the reality, it had a happy ending.
But his nightmares? Those are another story altogether.
He dreamt of him being too late, that the submarine left before he could do anything, he dreamt of him swimming and swimming until both of his legs cramped, until he couldn't swim back up and water filled his lungs when his mouth gave in.
Then he dreamt of Gin dragging Haibara by the hair, staring her right in the eyes, the hot, steaming muzzle of the gun pressed on her temple and–
"Hai– HAIBARA!!"
Shinichi's eyes are red and swimming violently, he trashed on the bed, still panicking after being jolted awake by his own mind. Shiho quickly sits next to him, ignoring her own shock to move her still sluggish body so she could help anchor him down to reality.
"Kudo– Kudo-kun… Shini… Shinichi, wake up, wake up…" She kept whispering those words over and over again until Shinichi is finally lucid enough, bleary eyes looking down at his normal body, his hands instantly grabbing Shiho's arms and almost violently pulling her into a hug, knocking the air out of her.
"Thank god…" He whispers under his breath, Shiho feels her shoulder dampened… is he crying? "Oh, thank god, Haibara… Haibara…"
They couldn’t go back to sleep that night, they ended up watching some random movie before going to school the next day, running on 3 hours of sleep and two cups of coffee.
The day wasn't the best either. Not with the way Nakamichi and the others teased him, asking him why he was oh-so-sleepy, but when Shinichi almost snapped for real, they understandably backed off. Thankfully though, no one noticed just how Shiho looks just as tired.
Shinichi thought no one noticed. Well, he was wrong. Someone did, but that someone didn't say anything, just feigning ignorance at her boyfriend's behaviour.
=
it's raining… just like that night.
"Shiho… c'mon, stop crying, it's fine." Usually Shinichi will let just let her get it all out first, but something about this rain mixed with her nightmare from their nap spooked her so much that she just couldn't stop sobbing.
Usually Shiho never tells him anything about any of her dreams, but, maybe because she was still not all the way there, when she opened her eyes and saw his worried eyes looking down at her, she bawled and gripped his neck.
Shinichi wasn't really sure what was happening but he went along with it. When Shiho yanks him down so they could kiss, all Shinichi does is kiss her back.
There's something in that kiss, a pungent fear in the way she kept pressing their lips together, so deep and passionate yet missing the very component that usually brought that on. There is no lust in her kisses, her hands are all over his neck, shoulders, arms, even clawing on his nape as if he'd truly disappear if she didn't physically grip him down on her body.
They broke their kiss, or at least Shinichi did, when Shiho started sobbing under him. He pulled her into his arms and she hugs him tight in return, almost suffocating him.
"I… I dreamt– felt…"
Ah… she's finally talking… Shinichi swallows his sigh of relief, and he's getting an explanation too.
"Conan-kun, did you know…" She whispers, burrowing closer to his chest and Shinichi just lets her. "Back in the sea… outside that submarine, you ran out of air… you stopped breathing, you… you went limp and you were just floating there." Dead , she wants to say. You were dead.
"But you brought me back, didn't you?" His words made her jump, so… calming and deep, like an embrace. "And we swam up together, just you and I…"
Yeah… just both of them. They arrived, and… what happened? What happened after that? Her mind blanked because all she could remember was seeing him dead.
Shiho gasps when Shinichi hugs her tighter. She could… feel his heartbeat.
"See?" He whispers yet again, one hand keeping her in the tight hug, another one caressing up and down her back soothingly. "My heart is beating."
God… she feels so stupid…
And, as if Shinichi could read her mind, he tilts their body a little just so he could kiss her again.
"We're alive, Shiho…" He whispers, trying his best to really embed that fact into her mind. "We're alive , okay? We survived. I'm… I'm here now…"
As the night quiets down, Shinichi was getting ready to sleep, even pulling the blanket over their bodies before Shiho stops him.
It felt like everything is left in slow motion, their knack of nonverbal communication truly shows when Shinichi started to, ever so slowly, thumb the edges of Shiho's pajama pants, how their breath hitches during their kiss when the band of her loose shorts is pushed down with the gentlest force…
It took so long… so different than the erotic stories he read or anything else he gossips about in real life.
But somehow those gentle touches and deep kisses turned frantic, eventually everything just got too hot, too heavy. Too…
‘Have you ever done this before?’
‘...no. And you? Have you ever… with her?’
He asked too late, didn’t he? It was way too late to ask about Her when they were already under the sheets, way too dark to see how they are naked from below the waist.
Have you slept with Ran?
The question both of them were avoiding but can’t anymore. Shinichi didn’t answer, he just… shook his head. No, of course not. He kissed Ran when he finally regained his body back, they kissed and kissed, and it was always so innocent, so sweet and gentle, it's weird how shy they both are with each other. Shinichi kissed someone else before multiple times, but it's different when it's Ran. With Ran he's a shy gentleman, they blush and hug and giggle… They haven't done anything remotely sexual, and he was okay with that.
Since there is no heaviness with Ran, there are no suffocating feelings in his chest that come from the memory of the past and nightmares of the present.
When he’s with Ran, he’s just Shinichi Kudo, the high-school detective, the loud, energetic man that she can depend on, etc, etc. But with Shiho, he’s the Shinichi that used to be Edogawa Conan, the Conan that did anything and everything to protect Haibara Ai, trying to keep both of them alive. There’s no one else that could understand this side of himself, only Shiho is there with him, just like he has always been there for her.
No, he has never slept with anyone else before. It’s bittersweet, the fact that both of them had sex for the first time with each other, how it was so… so extremely different than what he thought his first time would be like.
Shiho was quiet, she did everything she could to be quiet, biting her lower lip until they’re red, sometimes covering her mouth, sometimes scratching and tugging the hell out of Kudo's shoulders to take the frustration somewhere else, breathing erratically through her mouth to try and stop the pleasured, pitched moans. Shinichi tries not to say anything, tries not to make a sound, but it's so hard when Shiho feels so good around him, when Shiho smells so nice, when Shiho sounds so sweet…
It was messier than he thought it would be, but he doesn’t mind cleaning up together. They fall asleep on the bed, Shinichi in his pajama pants, Shiho wearing one of his comfy shirts. They're both aching in more ways than one but it was perfect, it was so perfect. Perhaps it was the overwhelming guilt that managed to convince Kudo that he is not, in fact, cheating on Ran and that it's a normal thing to do to sleep with your best friend. Because Shiho is only his best friend, right? His friend. Shiho is his friend. She is. She has to be. She has to be…
=
Shiho's apartment is on the opposite side of Shinichi's but thankfully, they share the same bus stop, so usually they would meet there but Shinichi… well, slept over yesterday and brought his own uniform to her place so they went out together. Both of them were surprisingly early despite how tired they thought they would be after only getting 5 hours of sleep.
"Pumpkin!?" Shinichi groaned as they made their way to the back of the bus where they could stand without being squished by others. "So, that's why it smells weird… Why can't you just buy the normal vanilla one like before?"
"I quite like the seasonal scents."
"But now I smell like pumpkin!"
Shiho shrugged, it's not her problem that Shinichi hates the smell of her new soap and shampoo combo, she loves the unique scent and the shampoo is easy on her hair. Shinichi always hogs the shower for so long anyway, the least he can do is not complain about scents. "Perhaps if you would buy your own–"
"What?" Shinichi whines when Shiho suddenly stops. "Whaaat?"
He felt a nudge on his arm and only then did he realize it.
Ran and Sonoko had boarded the same bus, separated only by a few people. "Ran!" He cheerfully says, "Excuse me… excuse me…" He basically starts squishing past the morning commune before slotting himself next to her and the door. He smiles and she smiles back, chatting about what to do today and after school.
The great highschool detective failed to notice it again, innocently missing the fact that his girlfriend is weirdly quiet, only answering when he asks, only giving opinions when he waits. He missed the worried glances Sonoko would give Ran despite her being quiet about everything.
"Eh, Shinichi." Sonoko said. "We went to your house earlier but you weren't there?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot something in Shiho's house so I went there to grab it first." He lies so easily, he lies because he knows that it would upset his girlfriend and yet in his mind, he's not really cheating on her?
Shiho stays quiet through the whole conversation, removing herself from the equation of this problem that she is a willing participant in. This needs to stop. But she's not strong enough to stop it. Stealing glances at Ran, she silently prays that she will give her that push.
Please, Ran. She mentally pleads, closing her eyes. Please, make us stop, Ran-neechan…
=
He knows it will happen, and it will probably happen way faster than he thought, but he will be graduating soon! And with his graduation, he has big, massive plans. All he needs to do is talk to his parents about it first.
"Proposal?"
Shinichi looks incredibly nervous when he nodded, he and his parents are having a rare family dinner together and he nervously brought up the plan for him to propose to her during her birthday. But Yusaku sounds…
"Are you sure, Shinichi?" Yukiko asks when Yusaku didn't continue.
This made Shinichi frown. "I know, I know what you're going to say, you'll say that we're too young for this, right?" He sighs, already thinking of ways to convince his parents but–
"We weren't going to ask that, Shinichi." His father said, he has that extremely rare look on his face, unreadable and intimidating. "Think about it. Are you sure?"
Shinichi isn't sure what is happening here… his parents have always been fully supportive of their relationship, so why…
"We won't let you do that until you are completely sure." He adds, something which he knows made Shinichi upset but he refuses to budge.
Shinichi kept insisting that he will do it. That he will ask her to be his wife that night, he looked at his mother for support, yet she has only one look on her face; worry.
"Just tell me what it is!" In front of his parents, Shinichi can be a little childish; impatient and agitated from the lack of solid answers by his parents. They know that he is in love with Ran but why do they keep insisting that he's not ready yet?
"When you know what we mean," His mother said with a rare firm tone of voice. "Then you'll be ready. But now you're not, and you can propose to her anyway if you want, but I won’t support it."
Shinichi left the table abruptly, Yusaku sighs but agrees wholeheartedly with his wife. He's also confused about what's going on with his son. How he, the detective that he is, still doesn't understand that he's falling in love with another woman, something that has been a long time coming.
Yukiko witnessed more than him how their son interacted with this new woman, at least when they were still trapped in their regressed bodies, how their affection is sparse and in-between, usually only prompted by fear. But when it's there, it's there and it is intense. It's something that is impossible to not notice. How she trusts him completely, how he protects her fearlessly, and with the enemies they were up against, that was no small feat.
Shinichi… no. Conan cared so deeply for Haibara that it became second nature, and now that Conan is back to being Shinichi, he cares just as much about Haibara who is now Shiho.
Their son… he just doesn’t understand that yet. Desperately wanting everything to go back to normal, to how it was before, that he subconsciously represses the feelings he developed through those times. Shinichi only wants to go back to the man that was fully in love with Ran Mouri, but he should know better than anyone that no matter how much you want something, sometimes you just can't have it.
You can't go back to the past, Shinichi . No matter how hard it is, even if she has to be demonized by her own son for a while, Yukiko will make sure that Shinichi will get through this and will not make a decision so crucial with a mind still so jumbled.
=
You’re really something, huh, Kudo Shinichi?
Shiho didn’t say a thing but it was really jarring to see Shinichi, body damp from the shower and only covered with a towel wrapped around his hips, complaining to her who is in the bathtub, just an hour after they had sex, about his parents’ disagreement on him wanting to propose to Ran. “I mean, I really don’t get it. They were always so supportive of us, they know I want to marry her.” He smells like Shiho’s soap and shampoo, blowdrying his hair after using Shiho’s moisturizer. Everything on him smells like her, he is here, with her, in her bathroom, talking about wanting to marry another girl.
Perhaps his mental state is worse, so much worse than he let on.
Shiho was having an unbearable time trying to adjust to her new life and Shinichi had always been the one who comforted her and not the other way around. Now she sees how different his troubles are.
Shiho had accepted that this is her new life, that there is no way she will have her old life back, and yet Shinichi wanted everything to go back to the way it was, he so desperately wants it that he is living in total mental denial of his current reality. She didn’t think it was even possible.
He wants to go back, and one of the concrete plans in his life before he was turned into Conan was to propose to Ran in the same place his father proposed to his mother.
But… can you still do that, Shinichi?
Shiho never said her worries though, merely staying silent, letting him get it all out before he went outside, pick up the clothes they stripped off earlier, and then said his goodbyes to Shiho at 1AM, he needs to return to his house since Ran and Sonoko probably will come by before school again in the morning.
And they did. Shinichi is all smiles when he walks to school with them, though there’s something that has been bugging him lately. Sonoko who had always been so energetic and loud is now always weirdly quiet, looking at him with worry. Him? Why him? Shinichi brushes it off in the end.
He smells like pumpkin. She thinks, the sweet seasonal scent that is just a little too strong. Just like her…
=
“HA!? And you're already here!?" Shiho looks up from her computer at Shinichi, he's always way too loud when he's on the phone with that Hattori. “No! Of course you just can’t– I’m not at home– Hey! HATTORI! HATTORI WAIT!! Damnit…”
“He hung up?”
“Yeah…”
“What does he want with you?”
Shinichi sighs, already checking the commute back home, it’ll be way faster if he can still use his skateboard… but that’ll just be too in the nose, huh? So many of his useful old gadgets he can’t use. Oh well, he–
“16 minutes.”
“Eh?”
“I sent you the best route, if you go now, you’ll arrive in 16 minutes.”
“But–”
“It’s fine, Edog–”
…
She stops herself, they look at each other for a second before she fakes a cough, a nonverbal way to move on. “It’s fine, Shinichi. Just go.”
“I, uh… okay then, sorry! I’ll come by tomorrow!”
Tomorrow, huh? Shiho stares at his retreating figure. Tomorrow? How many days has Shinichi spent here in her house, hm? He’s coming here too often, and she hates to admit that she likes that, having the presence of someone who she is completely comfortable with makes her day-to-day life easier.
…Times like these she misses those kids. Shiho quickly shuts down that thought since his mind starts thinking about the past yet again, when she was still living in Professor Agasa’s large house, with plenty of sunlight coming in, the kids running around playing with their Kamen Yaiba plastic swords and screaming their hearts out. Stop it, Shiho, that’s enough. Stop yearning for what you can’t have. She should apply that thought to Kudo-kun too. Because he can’t be hers.
He can’t be.
=
“Hey, Kudo…”
“Yea, what?”
“Look at me.”
Heiji’s serious tone made Shinichi frown. Just yesterday Heiji and Kazuha had arrived at Ran’s house, outright demanding that they go to this new amusement park with them, they already booked the hotel and everything! It’ll be a fun weekend! Then they’ll have a nice dinner and they can go right back tomorrow! Not gonna lie, Shinichi doesn’t really mind, Kazuha and Heiji just know places like these, and the thing about Kazuha is that she’s a really nice girl, when she finds something she like she would share it with her friend, this time she wants to share it with Ran because this new amusement park is sold as a ‘romantic gateway’ destination for young couples.
Heiji and Kazuha were ecstatic, this is the first time they would have a proper trip with Shinichi and Ran who they haven’t seen in months!
They promised to meet in the amusement park but…
They’re on snack duty right now, Kazuha and Ran went ahead to buy some accessories first and then queue for the rollercoaster while Shinichi is stressed about which bread to buy, he forgot if Ran likes blueberry or strawberry better. He honest to god Forgot, and when did that ever happen? He likes to think he knows everything about her, they have been together since they were kids, how did he forget about what filling she likes most?
“Look at me, Kudo.”
Shinichi turns to his friend with a frown. “What is it? Aren’t you supposed to get the soda? Ran wants cherry cola by the way.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Pretend? It’s not a light conversation anymore, huh? His brow ticked, what is Hattori trying to say to him? “If you have something to say just say it, Hattori.”
“What happened with you and Ran?”
Huh? “Me and Ran…? Nothing happened. Did she tell Kazuha something?” Oh god, what did he do? Did he forget something important? Did he say something weird? He thought he had been doing a great job lately, he’s been trying to get her to smile more and he had done his job splendidly, so why?
“You really don’t notice?”
“Notice what– Hattori just say it!”
The other clicked his tongue, as if in total disbelief at what his friend just said. He can’t believe this is the same man that cracked a mysterious serial killer murder just a few days ago. Someone as clueless as this guy. “Ran hasn’t held your hand once since we arrived, Kudo. And no, it’s not because she’s shy.” Something else is happening and Heiji has his suspicions, but before he could confront Shinichi, he hears Kazuha’s loud voice calling them to return here since the rollercoaster’s queue is shortening. They end their conversation with Heiji giving him a look and Shinichi looking confused.
=
Heiji is subconsciously treating this like it’s a case.
Kudo sometimes has his hand around Ran’s shoulder and she would blush whenever he does it and that’s… cute, but he doesn’t see anything remotely similar in Shinichi. He can’t believe this is a guy that would act like a worm getting salted whenever Heiji would bring up the fact that he saw her kiss him on the cheek. Now he’s just… No, he’s not just being bold.
Even Heiji, an outsider in the couple’s romance, can see it clear as day.
Shinichi has his hand around Ran while they walk around looking at the hotel’s large, moonlit garden, all four of them are wearing their casual kimono and chatting about, Kazuha and Heiji have similar looks on their faces as they see Shinichi pulling Ran closer oh so casually, even leaning in to peck her forehead before grabbing all of them some warm ocha since the night is getting breezy. He completely missed the way Ran froze with her face incredibly red.
But again, Shinichi is not being bold in a romantic sense, he’s not even flirting. He just…
He just doesn’t care, does he…?
As if he’s desensitized to showing Ran affection, like it had lost the spark that was constantly there before.
Hattori is subconsciously treating this like a case, and he needs to know the answer.
“Kudo.” Heiji caught up with him, his hand gripping his shoulder tight from behind. “Kudo, just what is–”
Heiji gasped when Shinichi gripped his wrist and turns around, his face looks… well. “Hattori.” His voice is low, he’s… annoyed. “What. Is it?”
Heiji is not backing down though. Unlike Shinichi, he’s an actual detective that can use his damn brain even when his girlfriend is involved. His eyes are stern not because he’s angry at Kudo, but because he needs his friend to understand what the hell is going on.
“Kudo. Swear to me that you’re gonna tell me the truth.” Before Shinichi could say anything, Hattori cuts him. “Are you cheating?”
Shinichi blinked, he opens his mouth a couple of times yet no words come out, and then finally, finally…
“No.”
“Kudo–”
“I'm not!”
Is that a tone of denial he hears? Oh no.
=
"HA!? YOU AND HAIBA–" Shinichi outright SLAPPED Heiji's mouth shut before he could say her name. Ran and Kazuha might be far away, but this guy can be ridiculously loud. Though not wanting to let this go, Heiji hurriedly continued in a small, hushed voice. "You and Hai– I mean Miyano have been sleeping together!? Kudo!? If this is a joke, it isn't funny!!!"
See? Shinichi knew this would happen, Heiji would never understand. But then again… isn't that what their lives have been? Both he and Shiho have been living lives that no one would ever understand. Even Professor Agasa, who has been with them since the beginning, didn't understand what was going on when he saw them… Well, caught them more like, kissing in Shiho's old makeshift laboratory, when Shinichi was comforting her because she got agitated when she decided to pick up some of her little knickknacks and got overwhelmed seeing that Professor Agasa has kept her room as is, clinging to their memories of times together just as she has been doing.
He was just comforting her, she hugged him tight like she always did, he comforted her like he always did in the past, but that time, since they changed back into their bodies, the comfort just got a little more intimate. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
They have done… nothing wrong. Nothing… nothing, right? Yet no one would understand.
"It's more complicated than that, Hattori…"
"More– NO!? There's nothing complicated about that !"
Even after he tries to explain to Heiji, he still doesn't get it. Shinichi tries to explain that he was just comforting her, she was stressed and afraid, she would stick to him in the past when she felt like that but Heiji keeps trying to deny him.
"Yeah! Back then when she was scared, you held her hand! You hugged her! Goddamnit Kudo that's the only thing you did!!"
Well, it was because they were kids, right? It was a different time.
"You… you!" At a loss for words, Heiji grabs his shoulders and shakes him as if that will fix a loose screw in his head. "You held her hands! You didn't kiss her! Didn't… didn't…" his voice got quieter as if that's even possible. "You slept with her, Kudo! Like– How many times!?” Right, Shinichi didn’t answer that too. Damn it, it’s not like he’s counting… “You… you're smarter than this. You're goddamn smarter than this! You're sleeping with her when she's…" Heiji's eyes rest on Ran's figure just a few meters away, focused on the falling flowers and autumn leaves that seem to sparkle under the moonlight, completely ignorant of what her boyfriend has been doing behind her back. Or, maybe not completely, but not knowing to what extent.
Heiji feels Shinichi's hand slowly pushes him away. He walks away without another word, standing next to Ran who shyly holds his hand, Shinichi squeezing hers affectionately. His love for her is so genuine, but it has changed. This wasn't the Kudo Shinichi she loves. This is the Shinichi that had lived a long life as Conan, the Conan who held hands with Haibara Ai.
=
"How were the fishes?"
"They were doing their fish stuff, you know, swimming around and… stuff."
His answer amuses her, she already knew that he had no interest in the aquarium, he just went along with it because Kazuha wanted a double date and Ran wanted to go, so he followed her wishes obediently, always wanting to make her happy. And he did, she was all smiles when they got back to the hotel, he did a great job.
He did. It felt like a job. A job with her smile and happiness as his payment. This thought flew straight over his head.
"You should be sleeping." Shinichi said despite him being on his hotel room's veranda, also Not sleeping.
"You called Me, remember? I would be sleeping if you didn't ring me up."
"Ha… somehow I doubt that. When I left, you were working on something, right?"
"Don't worry, it's not anything life-threatening."
"Somehow I doubt that too."
They laughed at their little jokes, none of them went to sleep for another hour, until his phone got hot, until he ran out of stories about the day to tell her about. Nothing exciting happened anyway.
After they ended the call, Shinichi quietly walks inside and closes the veranda, sliding back onto his bed.
On the bed next to him, Heiji feels so conflicted, of course he's rooming with Shinichi while the ladies are rooming next to them, it's only proper to do so, in the past Kudo would also feel like that. But now he just doesn't seem to care, Ran could be sleeping here and he wouldn't be flustered at all. He doesn't know for sure but he is a damn detective too.
He also knows that Shinichi wouldn't be on a call with another woman till past midnight if Ran is here, that in and of itself is concrete proof that Shinichi knows he's cheating but he kept refusing to accept the truth. Cheaters usually know what they're doing, they're fully prepared to deny their current lovers that they are in bed with someone else but Shinichi doesn't have that air of nervousness around him.
It's either that he's ridiculously confident in his acting or he genuinely thinks this is still just 'friendship.'
As Ran's friend, he should tell her this… she deserves to know, she needs to know. Shinichi is the love of her life and she is, was, his. They went through insane struggles together and managed to stay in love until Shinichi came back.
So, why? Kudo, why are you doing this…?
=
"Yellow or blue? Ah… it's nothing, it's nothing! Just tell me which colour you like more. Which– SHIHO!" Shinichi laughed at something she said, probably along the lines of her not going to tell him until he tells her why he asked out of the blue. During the prolonged phone call, Shinichi continued to push Shiho into answering his question, and when she finally did (blue), he said goodbye and returned to what he was doing.
Shinichi is browsing through the souvenir shop, he doesn’t tell her that he was asking so he knows which souvenir mug he should buy for her, the sun-patterned one or the fish-patterned one. He puts the item in his shopping bag and continues to pick other gifts. One each for the kids, one for Akai-san, one for Amu– wait, no, Furuya -san, hm… should he buy for someone else too? Furuya and Akai are the only two people that live near him, and it's not like he can just mail a souvenir to Jodie, right?
"Ran! Which one do you– Ran…?" Shinichi looks around the shop to find his girlfriend who's nowhere to be found, he asked Heiji who… gave him the cold shoulder? Told him that he would know if he didn't ignore her. Which isn't true! He didn't ignore her! He was just browsing for gifts? He paid all of the gifts first before walking out and finding her leaning on the railing outside of the store.
"Ran! What are you doing, it's cold." He quickly takes off his own jacket and covers her with it. It was extremely windy outside and the railing feels like ice already, yet she was leaning on it, staring into space. That made Shinichi even more confused. He lets out a flustered laugh when she quickly turns around and gives him the biggest hug, pretty much crushing him with how hard she's squeezing him in her arms. It was funny at first, but then he got worried, because… because Ran is crying on his chest.
"Ran…?" He whispers, hugging her back worriedly. "Ran? Are you okay?"
…
After multiple attempts to answer, to cover up her real feelings like she has done multiple times before, she answers, "No…" She whispers ever so softly, but when Shinichi asks her why, she doesn't give a concrete reason, she just mumbles that she loves him and Shinichi gets that flustered look on his face again. They have been more affectionate since they're reunited, but rarely has she ever been this direct in public… "Ran…" he returns the hug, yet, despite how hard he tries, he knows nothing he does will give her any comfort.
…Just what is going on?
=
“Hoy… Akai-san, isn’t this… even more than usual?” Shinichi’s face contorts into pure confusion when he sees the sheer amount of curry Akai is heating up. It’s still a bit jarring for him to see both Akai and Subaru’s identities fused together. They’re the same person of course, but Akai, as a former undercover agent, can easily separate the two. It seems like Akai liked his time being Subaru a lot and started doing things he learned to do for that new identity just because he likes it.
For example, cooking curry and stews.
Akai usually makes one enough to feed a battalion which is actually quite convenient because Shinichi can’t cook to save his life and he loves just heating up portioned, one-serving stews from the freezer.
But this? Make that two battalions this time because why the hell is Akai stirring two giant pots of curry right now? He–
“Mouri-san gave this to me earlier today,” Akai said, pouring two ladles full of the second pot on top of Shinichi’s rice. “She said she forgot that she’s only cooking for two now.”
Oh.
Akai knows it hurts him but why should he lie? Ran, just like Shinichi, is having a hard time adjusting to a life without Conan Edogawa. Conan who’s now living with his parents overseas, Conan that can’t visit, ever, she doesn’t know that but even if she did, she’ll probably resign to fate. It’s a flipped situation with Shinichi, Conan would often call her just to tell him that he’s okay but he made sure to do it less and less, because Conan is never coming home, and reminding her of his existence will hurt more, right? He’s not sure, but losing the boy that has been a part of her life for so long…
He sighs, trying not to think about it.
Akai is permanently living with him when he’s not away on missions and he’s perfectly fine with that. Akai is so quiet sometimes that he would appear and disappear like an actual ghost but he has never invaded Shinichi’s privacy in any way so he has no problem with it.
Nowadays Shinichi is using the infamous ‘curry excuse’ to go into Professor Agasa’s house whenever the kids are around, just to see how they’re doing of course. He feels sorry for the three too… they lost two of their bestfriends in the span of a day, the least he can do is make sure they’re okay.
Shinichi’s quiet as he continues eating the food, it tastes weird now that every spoonful reminds him of the fact that Ran made this because he forgot she’s not living with Conan anymore. He should call her after this, or… or maybe he could take her out on a date? Something to cheer her up with? Or maybe… or…
“Akai-san?”
“What is it, boya?”
“Do you… ever…” Of course, he never but Shinichi just needs to get this out of his chest. “Do you ever feel like… something you liked to do just became a job? That you don’t even like it anymore because it feels like…” Well, not a chore, but not something that comes naturally to him.
“Are you talking about Mouri-san?” Damn it, he hates FBI agents and their ability to read faces. “Do you think cheering her up feels like a duty now?”
Shinichi opens and closes his mouth a couple of times but no words come out. Yes, is the answer.
“I personally have not felt that feeling before,” Akai answers, “How were you planning to cheer Mouri-san?”
“I… don’t really know? She wanted to go on an amusement park date, maybe I should do that? I should check the movies too, or just take her to a nice restaurant. What do you think, Akai-san?”
Look at him, asking Akai for advice.
Akai thought life would be easier for the young detective after he got his body back. But the fact that he’s here, asking Akai for love advice really shows how far he has fallen down, in that specific department anyway. Even Rei would have more advice than him, and that man, to his knowledge, has never been in a serious relationship with a woman before.
When Akai takes a bit too long to answer, Shinichi just groans loudly, thumping his head on the table.
He takes out his phone, mumbling that he needs someone else's input.
"Ugh… why is she not answering?" Shinichi started whining, not caring that he's sounding a lot like Conan right now and Akai silently finds it endearing, not that he's going to tell Shinichi that of course.
"Who are you calling?"
"Shiho. She's not answering though, maybe she's busy…"
Ah, come to think about it, he hasn't visited the Princess in a while, maybe he could give her some of this curry. She would probably make that face, her annoyed, but still adorable face that she put on whenever Akai brought her curry .
His attention is back to Shinichi who's grumbling his heart out before leaving a voice message. "Ha– Shiho, call me when you get this, kay?"
Huh.
“It doesn’t sound right to you, does it?"
“...What?”
“Shiho Miyano.” Akai could visibly see Shinichi stiffens. “It doesn’t sound right, does it?”
“What… what do you mean?”
“You should stop fighting it, boya.”
“I still don’t–”
“Haibara. It bothers you because you wanted to leave everything that was close to Conan behind. But you can’t do that and you need to accept it.” He wants to help Shinichi understand that he didn’t fall in love with Shiho Miyano, the one he grew close with was Haibara.
Akai himself still remember it, Conan always called Haibara’s name with a certain firmness even in casual settings, this innate protectiveness inside of him that he can’t let go of even in the safest environment. The Conan he knew sticks to Haibara like glue when she needs it. He knew from experience how that feels, this need to protect, to soothe, to… love.
"Akai-san you don’t understand, I can’t…”
Shinichi knows that Akai is right. The name Shiho never truly settled on his tongue. He wants to call her Haibara, it feels more… real to him. But if he does that, then he will have to carry Conan’s identity with him yet again and he doesn’t want to. He can’t…
“You don’t have to do anything about it now, boya.” Akai continued. “But you also shouldn't fight it.” Let it grow naturally, and let your love for Ran Mouri fade just as naturally too. Of course, he’s not young anymore, he couldn’t possibly understand the sheer frustration in Shinichi Kudo’s eyes. But if he knows anything about Conan Edogawa, is that he will figure it out in the end.
=
Shinichi’s head thumps on the shower wall, Akai-san’s words keep haunting him, he can’t focus on anything else, he was thinking of working but how is he going to solve cases when he can’t even remember the time? Besides… he’s showering right now because he was going to go on a date with Ran but she canceled last minute, saying that she caught a flu which he knows she didn’t. She’s actively trying to distance herself from him now and he’s just… confused.
He’s even more confused– or, maybe that’s not the word, he’s frustrated at the fact that all he wants to do now that he’s stressed is to go to Shiho’s apartment.
There’s something about that apartment that just helps him relax, that lets him have a good rest without all the nightmares. He wants to go right now, even though rain is pouring outside, he wants to go to her place anyway.
He shouldn’t. It’s not right. He can’t.
Shinichi dressed up and Akai dropped him off at the bus station, the older man not saying a thing.
=
“Stop staring, Kudo-kun.” Shiho mumbles, they’re on the bed, it’s already almost 2AM but Shinichi’s not asleep yet, he’s hugging her from behind, trying to quiet his mind so he can rest up but…
“Kudo–”
“Haibara…”
A second passes, and then two, and it stretched into almost five minutes until Shiho responds, slowly turning around to face Shinichi.
“Sorry.” He whispers. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Shiho didn’t reply for the longest time until she says. “It doesn’t sound right, Kudo-kun…” It’s a fact that both of them try to deny, it’s almost been a year and they stayed silent about it until now. When Shinichi is nearing his breaking point.
“Haibara…” He whispers, the hands around her waist tighten up and she just lets him use her like an anchor. “Haibara. Haibara… I loved her for so long. She was the reason I never lose hope in getting this damn body back, damn it…"
Shinichi gasped when he feels her hand lightly rubbing his back, trying to soothe him in her own awkward way, she was not used to this, none of them are. He knows… he knows… "I used her, didn't I…?"
She could barely hear his voice with it muffled on her shoulder but she knows enough. It must be hard for Kudo, to be in total denial because she is a hundred percent sure that he knows the answer to that question already. So she stays put, she stays quiet while this man sobs on her shoulder.
"I loved her, made her my whole motivation, the reason for me to come back but now that I'm back…" Now that he's back, his… love? His… yearning… it stopped. He got what he wanted. Oh god, the realization that he used his childhood love is ripping into his heart. Why? …Why!? Why is it that everything that involves his feelings for Ran now only brings him pain!? All those days he spent fighting just to see her again… and now that he can, now that he…
"What do I do?" He asks but his tone indicates that he's not expecting an answer. "Haibara… I don't know where I'm going now. We've been fighting for so long, getting this body back was my goal, but now I have no idea what to do."
"Edogawa-kun."
It's been so, so long since anyone had used that name. It strikes fear into him, it's the name used in so many of his nightmares, dreams where he would find out that the antidote wasn't real and that he was sleeping and dreamt of this ideal life. The name 'Conan Edogawa' fills him with dread and yet…
When she says it. When Haibara says his name.
"Edogawa-kun." She didn't say anything else, didn't fill him with all that 'everything's going to be okay' nonsense. But she completely understands what he's feeling.
He calls her Haibara, the name he was used to, the name that he still can't let go of. Shinichi is not ready to let everything go, to leave behind everything that Conan was to him.
Who knew that Shinichi, under his cheerful exterior, felt the same way she did?
I didn't get to say goodbye to the kids, I didn't get to say goodbye to Sonoko and Uncle Kogoro for the last time, I didn't get to say goodbye to Ran .
Because I took Conan away forever, it's not how it was before, isn't it? Ran can't even hope to meet Conan ever again, she can call and I can use the voice changer but that's it.
I robbed Ran from her grieving process, I stole Conan away from her. I stole him, I threw him away. She loved Conan, he was a big part of her life now and I took him away. I hurt her again and again.
Haibara. Please, Haibara… what do I do…? Hai –
He feels soft, warm lips on his, pulling him back from the precipice of panic. Shiho pulled him back just like that, something no one else would be able to do. Shiho walked off the bed for a few seconds to grab something from her table before returning. "I'm still here, Edogawa-kun." She… puts his old glasses on his face and hugs him as tight as she could.
=
Ran didn’t come to school the next day and Sonoko refused to answer him when he asked. That in and of itself is an answer. Sonoko might have tried not to act like she hates Shiho but it was no use, Shiho felt Sonoko glaring at her back, not so much from hatred but this weird air of disbelief and confusion. Somehow, deep down, Sonoko knows. She knows that it’s going to happen soon.
Sonoko has witnessed Ran and Shinichi's relationship since they were kids, the only constant thing in those two’s lives is that they’re in love with each other. It’s scary to see this happening in real life. Something that felt so sure and concrete is now breaking apart like thin glass.
Shinichi is going to break up with Ran because of Miyano. It’s just a matter of time.
Shinichi has stayed silent the whole day, knowing something bad is going to happen and Shinichi is steeling himself for it.
=
“Do you think it’s odd, Shinichi?”
“I… well, I don’t know.” He does know and it’s not odd at all. Because he was always there as Conan, calling out her name as he tried desperately to protect her.
But there’s no need to protect her now, is it? Ran is completely safe here as they stand in the middle of his library like they used to since they were kids, Ran running her fingers along the cracked spines of the books, talking to him without even looking at him…
“So many times in the past… I had this feeling that you were always with me when I needed you the most, I wonder… if it was just because I missed you so much. That I’ve been missing you for so long that it became what you are to me… Just… Just someone that I missed.”
Finally, he can think like a detective again, her unsaid words are: Now that you’re here. I don’t know what to feel.
Should he be relieved that Ran feels the same way? Like they have become something else to one another that when they return to what they used to be, the puzzle pieces just don’t click anymore?
…
“You slept with her didn’t you?”
Shinichi took in such a sudden, sharp breath, he felt his head ached.
“I… Ran, I–”
“It’s okay… just wanted to tell you that the pumpkin smell is stronger than you think.” Ran tried to joke about it but it obviously didn’t work. She’s hurt by it, extremely hurt by it. “But it’s okay.” She said, always trying to be the more understanding one. “I’m just… glad that I get to properly say goodbye now.”
“Ran, I…”
“Goodbye, Shinichi.”
Shinichi almost wanted to stop her from hugging him, knowing that it will be the last time but Ran merely smiles, something so gentle and soft that it breaks his heart to pieces. Shinichi starts sobbing when she hugs him tight just one last time. And then she left just like that.
His childhood love walked out of the door and he’s left in his house all alone. She will still be there always, in his life, in his school, interwoven into his very being but to never be a part of him again, the love that locked their fate together had strained and broke.
It hurts so much. He wailed in confusion and frustration, desperately wondering why it ended up like this, why is it that… Years and years of them being in love, separated by fate and fighting tooth and nail to be together again but the second they managed to do so, they separated.
It feels painful, yet in a tragic way, it also feels right.
Memories of their time together crash into his violently, how they grow up together, how they fall in love with each other…
The love of my life. He thinks. "I'm sorry."
=
“You know… do you think Kudo-kun got more handsome lately?”
“Did you hear? He’s been getting so many love letters now! And apparently, it’s because… ”
“Hey, that Miyano girl is super pretty too, do you think that’s why Kudo broke up with Mouri?”
“Eh!? Mouri broke up with Kudo!?”
“You didn’t know!? It’s been days! That’s all everyone been talking about!!”
“And he’s with Miyano now!?”
“I dunno, I heard from Nakamichi that Kudo’s been acting strange, like, he hasn’t smiled once.”
“Oh… the break up must’ve been hard, huh?”
“Yeah! But Aizawa said that he saw Kudo and Miyano riding the same bus together! Like every day!! Holding hands and hugging and stuff!!!”
The school is buzzing with gossip for days now, Sonoko tries her best to weed off anyone that tries to ask Ran about it, and despite resenting Shinichi, she also stops others from gossiping about him disrespectfully.
It’s so hard to accept that most of the rumors are true. She wants to blame him. Oh… she really wants to blame him.
That goddamn cheater…
=
Will he ever recover? She doesn't think he ever will. It has only been a week since he broke up with Ran and he’s barely adjusting.
Yet another part of his life now wrecked to pieces, his hope for the perfect life he would've had, the dreams he cling to during his life as Conan now has holes in them. And she's a big part of it, isn't she? She–
…
Shinichi curls his hand around her shoulders, nudging ever so lightly, she follows his lead and leans her head on his shoulder, then he pulls her even closer. Comfort, that's what he wants right now. So she ever so lightly holds the hand on her shoulder, showing him that she understands.
Shiho wonders what they look like right now. Just a normal highschool couple going home after an exhausting day? Cuddling up in the bus without a care in the world? She remembers when they were small, Conan would give her his cap or his glasses when she felt scared, when she felt just too uneasy. She may not have anything to comfort him now, but she hopes what she couldn’t do as Haibara, she can do as Shiho.
They're… acting more like a couple than Shinichi has ever been with Ran, huh…? At least when it comes to display of affections.
They step out of the bus, Shinichi still has his arm casually around her shoulders and it looks like he's going to keep them there. They talk quietly, their voice only for them to hear. Kudo Shinichi from before wouldn't do this, he wouldn't pull his girlfriend closer and held her throughout because he is… nervous, because his stress somehow manifested into a weird hypervigilance, as if something would hurt his girl if he let his guard down.
And yes, Shinichi is struggling right now in the middle of the goddamn road. This shouldn't happen, not anymore. They're safe, he's safe, she's safe! Gah, what the hell is wrong with him!?
Shiho felt the grip on her shoulder get tighter up to the point where it becomes uncomfortable.
…
"Conan-kun?"
It caught him off guard. Shiho never calls him that. So, why… Oh.
They stopped walking, Shiho pulling away ever so slightly just so she could take off her glasses and put them on his face instead. "There."
Shinichi touched the rim of the glasses, he remembers what he told her before; with these on, she doesn't have to be scared, that these glasses will protect her. She's giving it back to him, and Shinichi… feels lighter, in some weird way, this selfless gesture of hers is…
He sighs, leaning against the wall, Shiho still safe in his arms. Shinichi rests his forehead on the side of her hair, his eyes closed, his tense muscles finally relaxing.
This is it. He can feel it. This… this thing in his chest.
"It's you, Haibara…"
"Eh?"
“Haibara…” When at first his voice sounds shaky, now he seems sure, resigned but not defeated. Like… an understanding.
Shinichi leans his head down enough so he could press his forehead on hers, everything around them seems to disappear. It's just the two of them against the world, just like how it has always been.
"I thought I could just forget about it." He mumbled. "That everything will go back to normal, like nothing ever happened. But it could never be normal anymore, can it? Do you… feel it too?" A few silent second passes before she nods. "It's just the two of us now, isn't it?"
"Mhmm. Just us. Just you, Haibara. I'm sorry it took so long for me to finally…" As Conan, as Shinichi. It seems like a bad habit of his, to keep people he loves waiting like that, always waiting for so long.
Shinichi pulls her into a hug, a gesture that would fluster him dangerously in the past if he is to be this close to Ran, to hug her while they're outside for anyone to see. But he's with Shiho now… he pulls her into a hug right there and then, a bit too tight, too rough, but Shiho returns the gesture, hugging his head, hand stroking his nape…
"It has been you for a long time, hasn't it, Haibara? I didn't realize it till now, Shiho…" And you? He wants to ask. What do you feel?
"It has always been you too, Edogawa-kun." She whispers, she always whispers to him even in private, he's the only one she wants to hear her voice. "Kudo-kun. Shinichi."
I love you. They both said, unsaid, silently, wordlessly, like a secret. A secret only the two of them know. Just like how they were before and how they will always be.
=
"Oi, Haibara, I told you not to use that one." Shinichi groaned again, seeing her reverting back to wearing his first decommissioned glasses, but when Shinichi hands her the latest one, the one he wore just before he returned to his old body, Shiho just chuckled and pushed it away.
"That won’t do."
"What? Why?"
"Because this is the one pair that saved my life." She taps on the faded rim, talking about the time when she was captured by Pisco and somehow managed to survive because of this 'good luck charm.' If she wears it now, nothing bad can happen to her ever again. "But, I guess I'll keep the other one as a spare. Satisfied now, Conan-kun?"
Shinichi grinned in reply before they went back to what they were doing, which was eating dinner at his house's dining table for the first time while a random TV program is playing in the other room, filling the house with the muffled ambient noise.
Earlier,
Shiho and Shinichi almost got a heart attack when they entered his house and the lights suddenly turned on, his parents apparently had come home when the both of them were on their uh… date… (saying it still makes them feel shy till now.)
It's not… as awkward as he thought it would be, Shiho had met his parents plenty of times in the past and somehow Shinichi forgot all about that. They talked, they cooked, Shinichi is full and kinda sleepy while they were still snacking and chatting about anything that comes to mind.
"But why do they keep calling each other by their fake names…?" Yukiko wonders while waiting for her husband to pick the wine they're going to drink tonight. "Shinichi kept calling Shiho-chan Haibara, and Shiho-chan is doing the same, calling Shinichi Edogawa-kun…"
"Well," Yusaku finally picks one, grabbing two tall glasses on the way back to the kitchen island. "That's the name they used when they were falling in love without even realizing it. I guess it can't be helped, right?"
They watch as Shinichi fails to contain his yawns, Shiho commenting that he shouldn't even try to pretend that he's not sleepy because she can see through him easily.
"Why don't you stay over?" Shinichi asks casually. "I don't wanna brag but my bed is bigger, and it's more comfortable too."
"Ah, you don’t like my bed? It's a waterbed, it's soft."
"That's exactly why I don't like your bed! It feels weird! What if we accidentally broke it and your room turns into an aquarium!?"
God, he's so dramatic, but if the small smile on her face says anything, it shows that she actually likes it.
"I suppose I can stay over."
"Hehe, nice, nice."
She knows it's wrong to snoop on her own son but she can't help it, the two of them talking about sleeping on the same bed so easily since they assume Yukiko and Yusaku won't be able to hear it. Shinichi will never, ever, do that with Ran.
Ah… No doubt about it now, they were right about persuading Shinichi to reconsider the proposal, this Shinichi can't keep up with the one from the past, it's painful for everyone involved but it'll heal better in the long run.
"Alright, Conan-kun. You're going to pass out on the table. Let's go."
"Yeah, yeah…" Shinichi stands up and waves at them to get their attention. "Good night!"
"Good night, both of you!"
It's such a quiet, peaceful night, Shiho is sleeping next to him wearing his comfiest shirt and short pants, Shinichi tossing and turning in his sleep before he settled down after hugging her tight in his arms.
'Hey, Haibara?'
'Conan-kun?'
I love you.