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Water trickled down Asuka’s unmoving body at a steady pace, the temperature now a fraction as hot as it was when she first turned the shower on. She held her knees with shaky hands, her throat was dry and her eye stung painfully. Her chest still ached from struggling to catch her breath as she sobbed and choked for what had to have been hours knowing that nobody would be able to hear her wails in the lonely corner of the ship. She felt like a child, helpless and pathetic in an uncaring world.
After crying until her body couldn't come up with anymore tears, she was burdened with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. She felt as if her lungs were ripped clean out of her chest. She was so tired. In any other situation she would fall directly into her partner’s embrace, letting her run those gentle fingers through her hair and console her sweetly just as she had done many times prior, but that wasn’t an option now. Asuka couldn't find the will to stand and leave the bathroom knowing Mari wouldn't be out there waiting for her, nor would she return anytime soon.
She couldn’t even visit her, she didn’t have the guts to see her like that again. Asuka hardly believed that it was really Mari laying in that bed, her skin bruised and bandaged, and her hair so messy and matted in stark comparison to the slick pigtails she typically kept them in. Her face—it scared Asuka. She was so lifeless, she felt as if she was staring at a corpse. She looked so small and fragile. Mari wasn’t supposed to look small and fragile. Her glasses were nowhere to be found, surely shattered in the accident, but it wasn’t like she would be needing them anyway. Asuka wished they were there nonetheless, maybe that way she could actually identify the body in front of her as Mari. She stayed with her for a minute but couldn’t stand much more. It made her sick.
She hardly even remembered what happened leading up to the accident, she kicks herself for it too. She wasn’t in very great shape herself, but whatever happened to Mari—it was a given that she wasn’t waking up anytime soon. Ritsuko assured her that she’d be herself again with time, that she was alive and breathing and that’s what mattered, but that was all white noise to Asuka. She knew that they would do absolutely anything to prevent the death of one of their only two pilots, but Asuka wasn't stupid. Mankind could not prevent death from running its true course but only delay the process. It was a matter of time before Mari's body finally succumbed to those horrific injuries. Asuka had never felt more pathetic and worthless than she did at that moment. At some point she had ended up in bed, specifically Mari’s bunk, and her body instantly fell victim to her weariness.
Morning came and Mari was still unconscious. Sadness continued to loom over Asuka’s head, but she was far angrier than she was the day before. She spent hours over-exerting herself in the gym knowing her body would be aching tomorrow, but she needed to keep moving otherwise she’d lose her mind. Another day came and went with no new news about Mari. Asuka wasn’t unfamiliar with loneliness, but she had gotten accustomed to Mari’s shadow following her every step. Without the fourth child around the Wunder was much eerier. Mari brought life to the ship and now it was again a giant metal shell.
A week passed and the ship landed in Village-3 to restock supplies and rations. Misato suggested that Asuka should visit her friends in the village for the time they were on the ground, but she refused. She developed a routine mirroring her early days in Wille, spending half her day in the gym and the other half in bed. She pushed her body well beyond its limits and it was starting to take a toll, but she didn't care, limping out of bed every morning with jelly-like legs and ending up in the gym again. The physical pain numbed her mental pain and the more she ran the less she thought about Mari. She was losing a decent amount of weight because of this behavior, it was only so long before Ritsuko questioned her about it and hooked her up to a tube since she couldn't feed herself.
She ran until her knees collapsed underneath her, deciding that she was done before she ran herself to death. She quickly showered in the desolate locker room before making her way back down to her quarters. Wunder’s halls were empty and quiet aside from her own echoing footsteps. Asuka didn’t mind. It was better than being stared down everytime she passed a lilin. The silence did force her face to face with her thoughts again, that she didn’t like so much. Wunder was never this quiet with Mari around.
She stopped abruptly, realizing she took a long turn. She groaned and leaned against the wall to give her sore legs a break. She closed her eye and tried to lull her thoughts. Wunder was quiet. No one was talking, no one was wandering around, and no brunettes were singing in her ear. Never before had Asuka hated the quiet as much as she did then. She desperately listened for any sign of humanity, something other than the metal machinery around her. She cursed herself as she felt her eye water again, so overwhelmed yet underwhelmed at once. It sucked. She wished Mari was there. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye. She didn’t want the quiet to be her new reality.
She caught onto a faint beep, it made her ears ring. She wondered if her mind was playing tricks on her as punishment for torturing her body, until she heard it again. She opened her eye and tilted her head to the source of the sound. Mari. That was Mari. Down the hall to her right, a large sign writing MEDICAL in all caps marked the room where inside the fourth child lay motionless. The beep of her heart monitor echoed through the doors and down the hall to Asuka. She couldn’t move, she was scared. Her own heart beat rapidly as she stared at the heavy iron door. She felt like she was looking at a ghost, paralyzed by fear—but she wasn't sure why. Mari was in that room, she was still her Mari, even if she looked and acted like a cadaver. It was the same Mari that annoyed her daily, the same arms that held her and cuddled her when she needed it (and when she didn't), the same body that made Asuka blush and the same hands that touched her in all the right places, all of her was in that room.
She wondered if Mari was lonely.
Beep
Asuka bit her tongue.
Beep
She began to creep forward, her steps were slow and carefully placed as if she were a child trying not to get caught breaking a rule.
“Mari,” Asuka whispered, her voice empty and broken. Her heartbeat thumped in harmony with the robotic tone.
Beep
Asuka’s hands graced the cold doorknob.
Beep
Beep
Beep
What was she doing?
She cursed under her breath before turning and running, even though her legs had run far more than enough that day.
A month had passed with no sign of Mari waking up. Everyday Asuka's hope disintegrated further. She was angry with herself. Mari’s scent had faded from their room, which made her angrier. She injured herself while running, nothing major but Ritsuko had given her strict orders to stay out of the gym for a while and let herself properly recover. She didn't quiet listen, she stopped running but started using the gym's neglected punching bags as a physical escapism instead. She wasn't very good at it, unaware that there was somehow a method to the imitation violence. It was the middle of the day and she was curled up in Mari’s bunk, mindlessly playing on her Wonderswan with bruised fingers and ignoring her body’s phantom desire for nutrition. Because of the angel she didn’t need food to survive anymore. Food was scarce and could go to more-deserving mouths.
She didn’t see her commander enter their quarters, quietly watching the redhead through the glass doors. She knew that Asuka couldn’t spend her days like this forever, eventually she’d have to get back to training with or without her partner of four years. As a woman who had lost her lover, Misato knew better than to bother Asuka, but as a mother—she worried. She watched from afar, the least she could for the grieving pilot.
Time passed quicker without Mari around and the day Asuka had hoped would arrive after Mari regained consciousness had come, but Mari was still comatose. A chill went down her spine as the door to the room holding the sleeping pilot crept open, a wave of mechanical noise hitting Asuka at full blast. She hesitated to fully open the door, instead keeping just an inch of it cracked. When she did open it Mari's face would be in full view and she wasn’t prepared for that yet. Today would be hard, it already was hard, but getting up and walking down to the medical ward was the easy part. Asuka listened for the beep of the heart monitor, letting the rhythm find a place in her brain. Asuka tried to see the sound as a sign of hope, it indicated that Mari’s heart was still beating and keeping her alive after all—but it began to sound like the melody to her own dirge. She took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
She felt sick immediately.
She tensed seeing Mari again for the first time in over a month, still frail and colorless, hooked up to monitors and tubes in all areas of her body. She crept over to her bedside, refusing to take her gaze off of Mari no matter how upset it made her. Her external wounds had healed, some scars in the place of cuts once deep and gory. She was thinner, understandably, but it was still alarming. Mari was a slender girl with a good amount of muscle in all the right places, which was now gone. She wasn’t surprised, years prior when she woke up from her own coma she didn’t recognize herself at first. Aside from the missing eye and her previously long hair chopped to her chin, she had lost almost five kilograms. It was a lot for a girl her size.
Even with a nasogastric tube up Mari’s nose weight loss was inevitable, but it was still an unpleasant sight. Mari's face was gaunt, but maybe only appeared that way because she lacked the red glasses that normally framed her face. Tubes attached to machines that breathed for her entered through her mouth, rimmed with chapped lips of a purple hue. Her sharp cheekbones sat above her hollow cheeks and her eyes were sunken in as if she was decaying. Her messy hair was tied back and her bangs had grown out past her eyes, swept to the side of her face. Asuka hated this.
Mari Makinami was dead, all that was left of her was a body breathing through a tube.
She dropped to a squat, one hand resting on the bed and the other gently placed on top of Mari’s unmoving one. “Idiot,” she choked, fighting back hot tears as she squeezed the cold hand. Her head rested against the bed while she sniffled. Ritsuko and Misato suggested that she should try talking to Mari some time ago, but Asuka thought it was a stupid idea. Maybe in a perfect world Mari would hear her and wake up and hug her and kiss her and touch her and tell her that she was there—but that was all fantasy.
Asuka took a deep breath and stood again, holding Mari’s hand with both of hers. Another wave of tears rushed over her as she came back to Mari’s sleeping face, but this time she let them fall. She cried even though two years prior on this exact day she decided to give Mari a try, even though she knew it wouldn’t end well she avoided every warning her brain gave her and followed her childish desires. She had no right to cry like this now. Mari had promised her life, another reason to live outside of an Eva, which was stupid. Asuka was stupid, love made her stupid, and now she had to deal with the consequences of her stupidity. She let herself sob over Mari guilt-free for a few minutes. She took deep, shaky breaths and squeezed the limp hand again and again. This was it. This was goodbye. Ritsuko and Misato weren’t going to pull the plug on Mari even if she was declared brain-dead, so now it was up to Asuka to finish what she had started and move on by herself.
She bent down just enough to where her face was level with Mari’s. “Y’know idiot,” she whispered, “as of today you can legally drink in this damned country”. She paused as if waiting for an answer, only being met with the whir of the machines around her.
“If you hadn’t gotten your shit rocked we could’ve celebrated that together,” her voice broke and she rested her cheek on Mari’s hand. She melted into the touch, familiar, but cold.
“Thank you,” she said after some silence, “for being there. Even though I was a bitch to you. And when you probably shouldn’t have been there”. She pressed her cheek deeper into Mari’s palm, her thumb grazing her lips. “You taught me a lot, pissed me off a lot too—but maybe I deserved that part.”
Asuka sniffled. She felt awkward, she was never good at goodbyes. She had never been in a situation like this in the first place. She didn’t remember her reaction to Shinji’s disappearance being this difficult, but she also didn’t watch Shinji disappear. This was slow. Painful. Mari was practically decomposing right in front of her, meanwhile, Shinji was probably just zapped into LCL while she was off in la-la-land with some angel.
“I’m scared that I’m in love with you,” Asuka confessed. “I also don’t think I know what love actually is,” she quickly added, “but I know I feel… different, around you, different than anyone else I’ve ever liked”.
“I never felt like this with the third… granted I didn’t know him very long. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe I’m just a hopeless fucking lesbian. Wouldn’t that be ironic?” she laughed bitterly, half hoping Mari would laugh too. Her smile faded.
“This is gonna really suck for me, you know that four-eyes?” she said, “I hope that whole 'dying doing what you loved’ thing was worth it.” She was crying again, but she kept her eyes on Mari anyway. “When the time comes, I’ll make sure they give you a proper funeral. No half-assed shit, okay?” she uttered, her lips quivering slightly.
She stood up, Mari’s hand still in hers. She started to over-analyze everything she could see, wanting to remember every single detail—but then she shut her eye tightly. This wasn’t how she wanted to remember Mari. Mari wasn’t frail and weak, only surviving because of the twenty-something machines attached to her. Mari was an enigma; she was loud, playful, and both mentally and physically strong. She was almost as bold as Asuka, possibly more aggressive. She was a natural beauty and a sight for sore eyes. Mari was ultimately ineffable, anyone who met her could see that she was special. Now Mari is gone. Asuka bent down and ever so gently rested her head against the brunette’s, careful not to disturb her too much. She pressed a small, innocent kiss on her cheek. “Happy birthday Mari,” she whispered into her ear. “Sleep well''.
It wasn't what she wanted to say, but it was the best she could do.
Asuka stood and hesitated to let go of her hand, as soon as she did she aimed for the door and didn’t turn back before slamming it shut behind her. She stood motionless with her hands at her side, trying to compose herself before making her way through Wunder. She felt so incredibly empty. She walked quickly so any passersby wouldn’t be able to see her puffy face, but she still got stares anyways. She hated every one of them. She hated Wille, Nerv, Seele, all of them. She hated angels and she hated Evangelions, she hated Shinji and Rei wherever the damned idiots were, she hated Misato and Ritsuko, she hated Gendo and Fuyutsuki, she hated Yui Ikari who she had never met, she hated everything and everyone.
She put a brave face over her bloodshot eye and stormed down the halls. She wasn’t allowed to cry over Mari anymore, as far as she was concerned Mari no longer existed. Nonetheless her heart was desperately wailing to hear the British girl’s voice again.
“Asuka,” her commander's voice echoed, stopping Asuka in her tracks. Dammit Misato, she thought, not the fucking time.
She turned around to face her commander, a million emotions and thoughts running through her head. She waited for her superior to say something, getting irritated as she just stared, almost mockingly. Misato opened her mouth to say something before Asuka cut her off.
“Don’t,” she snapped, “I don’t want to hear it right now. I’ll get back to training tomorrow, just leave me alone,” Asuka said, her exhaustion apparent in her words. She started walking away before Misato spoke. “Mari’s accident was bad, but it doesn’t compare to what happened to you in Unit-03”. The redhead stopped, unpleasant memories resurfacing.
“No one expected you to survive. You shouldn’t have survived. You were asleep for months after the battle,” she added. “If you could survive that, Mari can survive this. Don’t give up on her for your own sake, Asuka”. Misato’s words were stern, Asuka clenched and unclenched her fists before speaking again.
“Today I have limbs that were completely severed in that accident, I only survived because of the angel and its desire to use my body. Mari’s got nothing but herself,” she spoke bitterly, hoping the conversation would come to an end soon.
“And we didn’t know that until the day you woke up, before then everyone presumed you were a goner!” Misato interjected, her volume louder, “Yet still, Mari visited you every damn day, even when she was ordered not to”.
Asuka grimaced. This was new information for her.
“Mari didn’t even know you, yet she waited by your side, and now you’re giving up on her after what? Two months?” Misato reprimanded. “Shinji did the same damn thing,” she contended, “after your encounter with the ninth angel he pushed everyone away, he didn’t even care to hear about your state because he presumed you were dead. Look where that got him”.
“The Near Third Impact,” Asuka answered softly.
“Reduced to LCL”.
Misato loomed over the pilot, whose back still faced her. For a moment there was silence between the women. “Don’t cheap out on her funeral,” Asuka said before continuing down the hall. Misato didn’t chase after her, she didn’t even respond.
June had come while Asuka had left Mari in March. She sat in her entry plug for the first time since that ill-fated rescue mission, knowing she wasn’t quite mentally prepared to step back into an eva but not willing to risk her livelihood over it. As expected, her sync rates were a fraction of what they used to be. It would take some time to bring them up again. Her solo mission was going well despite the hiatus, it didn’t take long for the rush of adrenaline to hit her and give her the boost she needed—until her sync rate suddenly dropped to zero. Unit-02 fell to the ground within seconds, yet the fall felt much longer for the pilot as she choked on LCL and lost control of the mech.
She passed out, awakening some time later in a half-LCL-filled cockpit. She was alive. The realization that her sync rate reached zero would’ve hit her if the pain from the crash didn’t first. She reeled as she hoisted herself up, prying the entry plug open and analyzing her barren surroundings of what used to be Japan’s luscious forests. Wille surely had her location by now, but it was unlikely that they would land just to pick her and unit-02 up when they were scheduled to land later that week. After Asuka confirmed that she wasn’t seriously injured, Misato sent a group of villagers to her rescue. She would spend the next week in Village-3.
Flowers were blooming amidst the dreariness of the survival village and the early summer warmth left a layer of nostalgia over the land. Asuka found herself with her old friends again, who were overjoyed to see the ginger’s face again after so long. She found it hard to look them in the eyes knowing she was still standing at a meek 4 '11 with the face of a middle-schooler despite being eighteen, meanwhile her old friends have begun growing into adulthood. Hikari no longer looked like a sweet schoolgirl, instead a young woman was carved from her former baby face and she had surpassed Asuka in height. Her hair was longer, sitting at her waist. She was beautiful. Not that Hikari wasn’t pretty before, it was just different. Her beauty wasn’t child-like and youthful anymore, she was more mature and captivating. Hikari assured her that she was blessed to be young forever, but Asuka’s jealousy disagreed.
Toji and Kensuke had manned up too, towering over Asuka and sporting facial hair that she was so sure the losers would never be able to grow (Hikari expressed her distaste, swearing it would be just a phase). The Near Third Impact seemed to emotionally mature the boys as well. If she had the chance to talk to herself four years prior and tell herself that she actually enjoyed Suzuhara and Aida’s company, she’d probably think she’d gone mad. She’d also probably question the occasional glowing eye patch, but that’s beside the point.
“Itadakimasu!”
Asuka had gotten away with not eating in the Village, nobody questioned her nor did anyone really notice much to her relief. During Asuka’s last night with them Hikari had insisted on making a nice meal for just the four, for old time’s sake and helping ‘save the world’. Asuka found that difficult when two of their friends were currently liquid lost in space, but she complied as she wouldn't want to be the one to dampen Hikari’s happiness. Asuka sat around the table with the three, trying her best to enjoy the first full meal she had in years. It looked amazing, it smelled amazing, and considering the way Kensuke and Toji were devouring it right in front of her, it probably tasted amazing too. Unfortunately she felt nauseous just thinking about putting it in her mouth.
The last time she had eaten anything—she didn’t even remember. She knew she didn’t need food, but her body flat-out rejecting it was something entirely new as of recent. She also knew how difficult it was to pull a nice meal together in their post-apocalyptic world and she didn’t want to disappoint Hikari. She slowly took bites as they conversed around her, doing her best to fight off the rising sickness. Come on Asuka, she struggled to swallow, you’re still human, this should come naturally.
After downing four bites she took a big sip of water, letting herself recover before preparing herself for another round of food. She plopped a piece of meat into her mouth ( ...was it meat? She wasn't sure. It tasted like meat, and the more she thought about what it could be other than meat it could be she felt sicker) and reluctantly chewed, her hand already wrapped around her glass of water. “So Asuka, I’ve been meaning to ask,” Toji started, directing the table’s attention to her, “How’s Mari? She still asleep or what?”
Asuka threw up.
Thankfully in a bucket and not on the nice tatami mats they sat on. She heard Hikari scold Toji, who defended himself saying 'he’s an aspiring doctor, he was just curious’ which earned him more scolding. Asuka felt a hand on her back and another gently pulling back her hair, she couldn’t see whose as she was still dry-heaving into the bucket (there really wasn’t much for her to vomit up in the first place), but considering Toji and Hikari were still bickering behind her it had to be Kensuke.
Asuka wanted to cry, but if she cried she would feel even worse. She lifted her head out of the bucket, not meeting any eyes out of pure shame. She needed to apologize, she wanted to, but the words weren’t coming to her lips. She finally turned her head after a moment of bizarre silence, finding the three worryingly staring at her—no, it wasn’t worry.
“Asuka, your eye, it’s- I-” Hikari stuttered.
Fear. They were scared.
In the reflection of Kensuke’s glasses the familiar blue glow stared back at her, almost as if the angel itself was taunting her. Oh. Yeah. Asuka had been dismissive regarding the whole angel thing, telling them that it was confidential (which it was, to an extent) or was too hard to explain. In reality, she just wanted to feel human around her human friends—with them there were no angels, no curse, they were just human. At that moment Asuka realized she wasn’t meant to live around lilin. “I’m taking this out,” she said, picking the bucket up and leaving without another word. It was only after the front door closed Hikari realized how hard she was gripping Toji’s hand.
Asuka found a place far from any residence to dispose of her puke, thoroughly washing out the bucket afterwards and resting it on the steps of Hikari’s small home. She wasn’t ready to go back inside and face them just yet, so instead she propped herself up on a fence close by. Her throat hurt. Her left eye hurt even more. She took this as a sign that the ninth angel wasn’t much of a foodie. She groaned, rubbing her temple. Sometimes Asuka wished she had died in the accident with Unit-03 and tonight was one of those times. She missed her humanity to its fullest for many reasons, but the genuine fear she saw in Hikari’s eyes was bitter.
She was still human, Asuka Langley Shikinami was a human girl—she had no control over whatever that stupid angel did to her body. She refused to consider herself one with the beast, rather it was a parasite, clinging onto its host and doing whatever it needed to survive. She had learned to block out those afraid of her, those who spread rumors and disgraced her name meant nothing to her. She knew her worth and if it wasn’t for her they’d be dead. It still stung knowing even the people she once considered her closest friends couldn't see past the angel, but she couldn’t really blame them. The only person who ever saw past her was… Mari.
Mari. Mari. Mari.
The name bounced back and forth in her brain like a lost echo. How’s Mari? Mari didn’t have any idea what was going on, or at least Asuka hoped so. Mari was asleep, having peaceful dreams. She was safe from the harm that surrounded them. Maybe she was with her parents. Maybe she was with her cats. Mari had seven—no, was it eight? Mari had way too many cats, but she always beamed when Asuka asked about them. They were all named after authors she adored, which Asuka thought was nerdy. Mari was a nerd.
She recalled all of the nights they spent curled up together in the same bunk, Asuka fiddling with her games while Mari ranted about the felines waiting for her back in Britain. Asuka wondered what happened to those cats. Maybe Mari wondered too. She had dogs too, but it was clear she had a preference. Mari gave her a stupid hat with cat ears for her seventeenth birthday, Asuka swore she’d never wear it before she realized it fit perfectly around her interface headset. That was absolutely the only reason she ever wore it. Mari resembled a cat sometimes. Cats sleep a lot.
The silence of Village-3 was deafening. It was making Asuka think too much. As if on cue, the silence was broken with approaching footsteps.
“Mind if I join you?” Kensuke called. Asuka shrugged as he rested his arms on the fence. “Feeling any better? I brought a bottle of water for you, figured you probably needed it,” he said, extending his hand towards Asuka’s. He was right, her throat still ached and her breath probably reeked of vomit. She took the bottle and drank half of it in one go.
“Thanks,” she said, capping the bottle and setting it beside her. Kensuke nodded with a smile, and they both shifted their gaze to the landscape in front of them. She had to admit it looked a lot better than it did four years prior. Green grass had grown over the dead landscape, and the villagers made a good effort to keep it looking nice and homey. She looked up towards the dusk sky. Watching the sunset from the ground was much different than up in Wunder, it felt more authentic down there.
“Hikari has really missed you,” Kensuke commented as the sun’s last rays dipped behind the mountain, “Don’t take offense to her reaction, she cried in shame after you left. Toji too, he feels pretty bad”. Asuka was quiet. She counted the houses, guessing how many people lived in each one.
“All three of us have missed you, honestly,” Kensuke added eventually, “I know your work comes first, but if you have the chance… visit”. Easier said than done, she thought, choosing not to say it aloud. He was being nice, and she was too tired to be mean. She nodded silently as she finished off the water.
“I’m not entirely human anymore,” she admitted, “I can’t live peacefully among lilin. Including you three”. Less and less light illuminated them and their surroundings as nightfall took over. “I don’t mind,” Kensuke said, “I think it’s pretty cool. Hikari and Toji will come around with time, promise”. Promise. There was no such thing as promises in their world.
“I can see it now,” Kensuke exclaimed with his hands, “Hikari’s maid of honor, a half-angel half-human Evangelion pilot saving the world,” he smiled looking at Asuka before continuing, “and I’m the best man of course.”
Asuka scoffed, “Half? Try three-quarter human one-quarter angel and maybe I’ll consider”. The thought of Hikari and Toji getting married was a bit too much for her to process, so she’d worry about it in the future. In the strangest of ways, Asuka began to feel at peace. The eye of a hurricane, she was surrounded by chaos and bullshit—but she was content for now.
“I’m really sorry about Makinami-san,”
And there was the hurricane. Kensuke apologized when Asuka took a sharp breath in.
“It’s fine,” she said, holding her arms to her chest. Kensuke was still. “Didn’t know her very well, but I’m sure you two were close, I can imagine it’s been hard”.
Close was one way to describe Asuka’s relationship with Mari. Even Asuka wasn’t sure what her relationship with Mari was, they never really got the chance to figure that part out. Close friends maybe, but she also wouldn’t consider the things she did with Mari as friendly.
“My old man died this April,” Kensuke confessed, “I know how it feels, losing someone you love isn’t easy”.
Asuka was about to express her condolences before scoffing. “I don’t love Mari. I put up with her''. Her cheeks were a pale pink, but it was too dark for Kensuke to see. “Pretty hard to interpret that reaction from earlier as anything else,” he teased, “Never met someone that retches at the topic of someone they put up with”.
Asuka hit his shoulder, knocking him back. “Well I do!” she retaliated, jumping off the fence with the crumpled water bottle. “It’s none of your business anyways, naseweis arschloch,” she hissed as Kensuke rubbed his shoulder. “Well,” he chuckled, “glad to see you haven’t lost your spark, Shikinami.” She grumbled.
Daylight came and Asuka said her goodbyes before boarding the Wunder, making sure the very overly apologetic Hikari understood that she had no hard feelings about the night prior. Asuka’s brain was far too scrambled to think about it too deeply, but in truth she’d prefer worrying about Hikari and the lilin than the comatose girl plaguing her mind.
She didn’t love Mari. Maybe she could’ve loved Mari, but that chance had been ripped away for her because of a stupid failed mission. She had opened her heart once again only for history to repeat itself, she was a fool. Asuka didn’t bother talking to anyone as she returned to the ship. She stomped down the corridors directly to the gym, still wearing her plugsuit as she stormed inside. She desperately needed to cleanse her mind of the emotions her week vacation had revived. She needed to escape. She struck at a punching bag, worn from previous attacks. The anger and grief that Asuka had beaten into the damn thing was enough to power the Wunder alone.
She was being reckless, throwing messy punches that were sure to leave her wrists burning later assuming she didn’t fracture one in the process. She grunted with every throw, her knuckles sore and bruising under the red latex. She was too upset to care. She spewed various German curses, not stopping to let herself breathe or rest. Her face was a flurry of her rage and sadness, wet with tears she didn't realize were flowing. Despite her aggression, dreariness still loomed over her head and no sense of relief came from this. She kept hitting, missing the bag several times, and sending it flying into the next.
Her tears made it hard to breathe, and when she started choking on her own spit she gave in, letting her sore hands fall to her sides. She cleared her throat, still whimpering and shaking from her feet to her arms. She wiped her tears but they just kept coming, she was so tired of it all. Part of her wanted to down the entire bottle of painkillers sitting idly in her room and bring an end to her pain, maybe even see Mari again in doing so. She sniffled and wiped snot from her nose before bringing her arm back to throw another punch.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, unless you want those pretty hands all cast up”.
“Princess?”
Asuka was frozen in place, her eyes glued on the swinging bag in front of her.
What the hell?
What the hell?
Asuka’s world went silent and an empty pit formed in her stomach. Was she finally losing her mind? She could feel her heartbeat throughout her body and her fingers were still on fire, so she wasn’t dreaming. The gym was dead silent, nothing besides Asuka’s deep, heavy breaths and the clinking of the punching bag’s chains. She had to have imagined it, she was going mad. She’d be laughing at herself if she wasn’t horrified, she was too scared to make any sound or movement. No, she thought, your mind is just playing tricks on you, Asuka, she’s not there, nobody is there. Asuka’s breathing slowed as she listened for anyone behind her, waiting for more words or sounds to make her next move.
There was nothing.
Asuka relaxed, a bit more sullen than before. Hearing Mari’s voice—even if it was just her own mind—that was her breaking point. The wound that had been slowly tearing open the past week was now bursting and bleeding out, but she was too tired to tend to it. She took a deep breath and unclenched her fists. Mari wasn’t there, Mari wasn’t behind her, she was barely ali-
“Earth to Asuka, you alright there princess?”
Asuka let out a short loud cry, refusing to turn around even when she heard footsteps approaching her. “Stop!” she screamed, and the footsteps halted. “You- You aren’t real. You aren’t real. Get away from me!” Asuka shrieked, holding her shaking arms against her. Mari couldn’t be awake. This wasn’t logically possible. She was really going mad.
“I beg to differ,” Mari responded, “as far as I’m aware, I’m very much real,” she said, looking at herself in the mirror adjacent to both girls. Asuka stood still, telling herself over and over that this was just her mind deceiving her, reminding herself not to give in. She couldn’t get hurt again, she wouldn't be able to take it a third time.
“Princess, please turn around,” Mari asked softly, “I want to see your face”. Asuka shook her head. “No… you won’t be there when I turn around. I don’t believe you,” she sobbed, "hell, even if you did wake up, you wouldn’t be up and walking right now—you didn’t move for almost five fucking months!”
Mari hummed. “Well, I couldn’t at first, and I’m still pretty wobbly, but I’ve had some time to get back on my feet. When I woke up you were down visiting puppy boy’s old friends, I was a bit disappointed, I wanted to see you”.
Asuka stared at her feet, slowly shaking her head in disbelief. Mari was comatose for five months, and the one week Asuka is gone she magically makes a recovery—this wasn’t actually possible—was it?
“Didn’t realize my absence would affect Her Highness so deeply, sorry bout that. Can you please forgive me?” Mari said, her voice just as cocky and sing-songy as Asuka remembered. Real or not, the remark ticked her off.
“God you're such a bitch,” she spat, “you can’t just waltz back in here like you didn’t almost die, look at what you’ve done! I’m hearing voices now, and I’m talking to them too!” Asuka cried, rubbing her eye in frustration.
"Well, you could turn around, face me, that might help”.
Asuka scoffed, “Yeah, and turn voices into hallucinations? Totally,” she said sarcastically, making Mari giggle. Asuka wasn’t sure what to do. Of course, she wanted to see Mari, all she wanted was to jump into the girl’s arms and feel her warmth again, but wasn't convinced Mari was really behind her in the first place. It was all happening so fast, none of the scenarios she had imagined Mari awakening played out like this. Mari was behind her or she wasn’t. She was scared of both scenarios. She slowly turned around.
“Mein Gott”.
She looked… different, yet the exact same. She was still underweight, but now her hair was tidy and brushed out, a bit shorter. Her once waist-long locks now rested at her upper back. Asuka assumed she cut the matted ends off, fair enough. It looked more silky, much healthier. She was more colorful, her skin was peachy again instead of ghostly white. Her cheeks were pink, and so were her knobby knees. They were freshly bruised. She was sporting her own clothes now, a big grey sweater with some loungy shorts underneath. Her eyes were vibrant and bright, she was wearing glasses again too. They were new, a different style—but the same burgundy color. No doubt, Mari was standing in front of her. Asuka knew she should feel immense amounts of joy right now, but she felt sick. Mari smiled at her and completely shattered Asuka’s heart.
“Hi”. Mari said.
She was patient, giving Asuka some space as she tried to collect herself. Asuka kept looking her up and down, worried that if she blinked wrong she’d disappear. A rush of panic hit her. “Did you remember anything? While you were asleep?” she asked, a bit too frantically than intended. “Nope, not a thing,” Mari answered, “the last thing I recall was an MPE, a killer headache, and a screaming princess. Next thing I knew I was staring at a blurry ceiling,” she explained.
She sighed, relieved that Mari didn’t hear anything her conscious mind wasn’t supposed to (... or had to bear being awake and unable to move for half a year—guiltily, Asuka didn't consider that part until later). Asuka struggled to keep eye contact. After a minute of uncomfortable silence and staring, Asuka crossed her arms defensively and spoke.
“Look,” she exhaled, “Don’t think things between us are just going to go back to normal”. Mari’s expression didn't change. “I wasn’t assuming it would,” Mari replied, “I know you, princess. Five months is a long time”. Asuka sniffled. “Yeah, it is,” she bit, her voice weak and strained. “It fucking sucked. I’m not going through that again”.
“You don’t have t- ”
“Bullshit!” Asuka screamed, surprising Mari.
“There’s no saying this won’t happen again, especially living the life we live! You dying is fucking inevitable and if I was to get all friendly with you again—scheisse, I can’t, I refuse!”
“Again? It only took you five months to move on? I’d be offended if I wasn’t so impressed”.
“Yes! …No—I don’t know! It’s just different now”.
“How so?”
“You almost died! You practically did! I was planning your funeral, fucks sake Mari—I’ve been mourning you for months”.
…
“Princess…”
Asuka was crying again, wiping her own tears.
“Look at what you’ve done to me! I used to be so strong, I was a fearless warrior saving the world, I was someone to be remembered, now I’m crying over a girl like a little kid… I’m so pathetic”.
“That's not true”.
“It is! I haven't made any progress since you left, what kind of pilot can't even function alone? I was alone for years before you came along and now I can’t even pilot an Eva!”
“Princess,”
“I have no other purpose, I was MADE to do this, and now I can’t even do it right…” Asuka sobbed, her hands running through her bangs.
“Princess”.
“My sync tests have been so poor, but I’m trying! I’m trying my hardest and my scores haven't even budged, I’m just a fucking failure,”
"Princess".
“I couldn't even save you,” Asuka whimpered, “You're all I have, the only one who really cares, the only one who isn't afraid… and I just stood and watched you get crushed… I don't deserve to live, I—”
“Asuka!”
Mari snapped, catching Asuka’s attention and bringing the redhead's eyes up to her own. She felt small and ashamed under Mari’s stern gaze, though it wasn't anger in Mari’s eyes—rather concern. Mari rarely ever raised her voice at her, only when it was deserved. She knew Mari wasn’t mad but she was still scared of the other pilot like she was years prior. Just that morning Asuka believed that Mari would never wake up, but now she was standing meters in front of her and they felt like strangers all over again. Asuka wiped her tears and let her hands fall to her side. Mari didn’t say anything, her face had said enough. Instead, she extended her bony hands out and invited Asuka into her arms.
She hesitated.
Her first steps were slow, but she sped up as she reached the brunette and collapsed into her embrace. Mari wrapped her arms around Asuka and pulled her into a tight hug. Asuka’s hands were clasped tightly behind Mari’s back, taking in every piece of her she could feel. The familiar sensation of Mari’s long fingers caressing her head and her back felt surreal after all this time, but it felt good too. Mari’s chin sat atop her head, and her own chin was cushioned by her chest. She smelled the same too, Asuka had missed the feeling more than she realized. She desperately held onto Mari like she’d turn to dust any second, Mari did the same, securing the second child tightly in her arms. Asuka pressed her ear against Mari’s chest.
Thump
There it was.
Thump
This was real. Mari was real.
Thump
Asuka cried as Mari continued stroking her hair. It was so loud, it was so strong. Mari’s heart was beating without the aid of a machine. She looked at Mari again, a bit embarrassed as she stared down at her messy face. “I missed you, four-eyes,” she whimpered, “Don’t do that ever again. Please". Mari sighed and swiped a strand of wet hair out of Asuka’s face, cupping her rosy freckled cheek dearly. “I’ll do my best,” she replied, Asuka dropped her forehead against Mari’s chest and whined unsatisfactorily.
“You’re not worthless, Asuka. And you aren't weak. You're just human,” Mari gently lifted Asuka’s chin. “You’re the strongest girl I’ve ever known, you are a warrior. Even the mightiest of warriors in our history wept over slain companions… you should read The Iliad”. Asuka snorted and rolled a glossy eye. "God you’re a dork”.
“My duty is to protect and serve the princess, I’m her faithful knight riding upon a big pink noble steed,” she teased, caressing Asuka’s head, “I don’t need you to save me Asuka, that’s my job”.
Asuka’s smile faded. She adjusted her head against Mari. “...You aren't immortal. You might be a damn good pilot, but you clearly aren't invincible,” she whispered as one of Mari’s hands settled on her lower back. “I’m scared,” she admitted, “I was scared before, but now I’m even more scared—everyone has left me, I don't want you to leave too,” her voice broke.
Asuka’s grip tightened on Mari’s sweater as a kiss was pressed against her head. “I won’t, not without a fight. I came back to you this time, didn’t I?” Asuka met Mari’s eyes, “don’t you believe I can do it again?”
Asuka didn't respond.
Mari gently moved Asuka’s bangs out of the way, looking deep into her watery blue eye. “Wanna know a secret princess?” she asked, making that eye widen curiously. Mari pulled Asuka closer, one hand on her back and another still around her head. “I’m scared too,” she whispered into Asuka’s ear, “I've grown rather fond of you. I would be overwhelmed with despair if you were to disappear”.
If it wasn't for the change in Mari’s tone, Asuka wouldn't believe her in the slightest. It was hard to imagine that the girl who enjoyed putting her life on the line was scared of losing a friend, of all things. In Mari’s voice there were layers of emotion Asuka hadn't heard from her before. “...but because I dread the day I lose you, I want to spend as much time as possible with you now. I don't want to regret not making the most of my time with you,” Mari said, kissing Asuka’s nose. Her cheeks flushed again. “It’s hard to imagine you're scared of anything,” Asuka teased with a furrowed brow. Mari giggled.
“Of course I am, I’m also afraid of spiders. And snakes. Fuckin’ hate those things, just the thought of them is bloody terrifying.” she said, wrinkling her nose in distaste. Asuka giggled, really giggled, and Mari followed short. They were quiet for a moment, just staring at each other with awkward, dorky smiles. Asuka’s eye was still puffy and red from crying. “So… princess,” Mari spoke, “penny for your thoughts?” Asuka thought quietly, sending complex signals to the older girl.
“Kiss me”
It was Mari’s turn to roll her eyes into her head, huffing before complying and eagerly lowering her lips onto Asuka's. The redhead wrapped her arms around Mari’s neck and pulled herself higher, closer, careful not to knock the both of them over in the process. Asuka melted into Mari’s touch, sweet warmth and reassurance radiating from her lips and cascading through Asuka’s body. She felt true comfort for the first time in a while. Mari broke away, but Asuka connected their lips again… and again… and again. She had been derived from Mari's touch for five months, she needed all of Mari she could get right now—and every kiss they shared made up for lost time. She was a bit thankful Mari had woken up days before her return, that way she had the privilege of kissing the soft, plump lips she loved so much instead of chapped ones that probably bled gallons before healing. She didn't care how desperate or needy she looked, this was her right.
“Mari,” Asuka breathed, her voice just below a whisper, “I… I think I-”
The gym doors abruptly burst open and Asuka yelped before awkwardly peeking out from behind Mari’s frame. Two Wille members, teenaged Sumire and Midori, stood wide-eyed in front of the door, Midori’s mouth agape having never presumed her superiors were… involved, in such ways. Mari waved with a lopsided smile and greeted them like normal, though red-faced and humiliated Asuka shot a somewhat threatening glare towards the two girls. They briskly walked past the pilots into the gym, avoiding Asuka's frustrated gaze.
When she met Mari’s eyes again the brunette was already looking back at her smugly, very amused. “Princess,” Mari whispered, “why don’t we take this somewhere else? Unless you’ve developed a thing for voyeurism the past few months, I could wor—Ow!” Mari yelped as Asuka pinched her by the ear, but didn’t protest as she was dragged out of the gym by the redhead.
Normally this would be the part where Mari courteously carries her grumpy princess across the ship all the way to their room, but Mari’s legs were still just barely strong enough to hold her own body weight, nonetheless Asuka’s. Asuka wasn't complaining, she'd rather the entirety of Wille not see Mari treat her like a trophy, especially with her stone-faced reputation already falling flat thanks to her. She supported Mari with an arm around the waist, cautious of her hand placement and any wandering eyes from the ship's crew.
Yet on the same token Asuka could hardly think about anyone else on the Wunder, fully consumed by the woman at her side. The initial shock had worn down and now euphoria was running through her veins, it took all the willpower in the world to not show it. All of her fear and anxiety regarding everything that had to do with Mari Makinami temporarily vanished as they entered their corridor, Mari flashing Asuka an inviting smile. She’d worry about it all later—after she had gotten her fill of Mari. At that moment they were the only two lilin on Earth, nothing else mattered to her.