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Friends come and go. That’s something everyone knows and learns to accept with time. Yet that doesn’t mean that every time a friend walks out of your life it doesn’t hurt less than the last time.
Every loss of friendship he has ever encountered hurts just the same as the previous one.
When one of his friends walked out of his life it devastated him. He’d cry. He’d cry for the loss of a friend who he thought would always have his back. He’d cry for losing another person. He’d cry for not being enough to make someone stay.
Childe always knew how this would end.
Ever since Kaeya first started talking to Zhongli. He had a feeling that this wouldn’t end well. His gut was screaming at him to stop this before it caused any harm. Yet he didn’t do anything to help. He let everything happen because he gave his best friend the benefit of the doubt. He trusted him to not go behind his back.
Why would he believe his best friend would hurt him? He’s been there for him for everything. He too, has been there for him as well. Why should he doubt his friend? Their friends for a reason, because they trust each other.
Such foolish reasoning.
It was innocent. He saw it with his eyes. It was just innocent messages being sent between two people. It was nothing more or nothing less. That made him feel slightly at ease but there was still something screaming at him. He had to stop this because he knew he was going to get hurt.
He even confided this with his other friends. They all told him the same thing. The same thing he was internally screaming at himself.
“No Childe. That’s not going to end well. He's going to spout some bullshit at your face. You know that’s how people start developing a crush on someone. He’s going to start liking him and you know it too.”
He knew. He was aware that would happen. Especially knowing the type of person his best friend was. He fell easily in love and out with people. Yet he backed up his claims of ‘nothing will happen’ with, “It’s okay. He’s with another guy, he wouldn’t do that to me. He knows between right and wrong.” It was hypocritical.
Then that guy left Kaeya. That was the worst day for Kaeya. He’d never seen him so sad over a guy. He’d never seen him cry before.
It made him feel horrible. It made him want to go talk some sense into that guy. It made him want to wrap Kaeya up in a plastic bubble so nothing would reach him.
It made him feel scared.
Zhongli and Kaeya continued to talk to each other. It was on and off, but the communication was still there. He was shown their conversations and it made him feel uneasy.
On one hand, he was glad they weren’t doing anything that they shouldn’t. However, he was still skeptical. It was weird for them to form a friendship just out of nowhere. It was weird that it seemed as if Kaeya was forced to show him their conversations.
Then everything became even more weirder.
Kaeya would show him the conversations he would have with Zhongli, like always, though it was different this time.
They were fucking flirting.
Flirting. For Christ's sake.
And he was showing that to him.
He was showing Childe that he was flirting with his ex-boyfriend.
It was weird. It was weird for his best friend to show him the conversations he was having with his ex. But flirty messages? That was a whole different level. What was even weirder it was his best friend that started it, not Zhongli.
It was weird for him to play it off as a joke. It was weird to say, “he’s so funny!” It was weird for Kaeya to talk about Zhongli more than he did. It was weird for him to even flirt with Zhongli in the first place.
He’d understand if Zhongli had started it. He’d understand if he couldn’t get out of the situation. He’d understand if he didn’t want to seem like a party popper.
But he knew himself. He was lying to himself. He was trying to make himself feel better.
He wouldn’t understand if Zhongli started it. He wouldn’t understand if he couldn’t get out of the situation. He wouldn’t understand if Kaeya didn’t want to seem like a party pooper.
Kaeya is his best friend. You don’t do that to your best friend. Especially if that’s your best friend's ex-boyfriend. Who happened to leave him with more problems than he originally had.
But he wasn’t going to say anything about how this was extremely uncomfortable and weird. He didn’t want to lose a friend over this. He didn’t want Kaeya to think he was jealous. He didn’t want to seem as if Zhongli couldn’t have friends.
So he kept everything to himself. That was the only thing he could do. He would lose more than he would gain if he spoke up.
Kaeya bringing up Zhongli every chance he had was uncomfortable. He didn’t like that his best friend was mentioning his ex-boyfriend more than he did.
Especially when what Kaeya and Zhongli had was platonic. While Zhongli and he were painfully obvious one-sided love.
Hearing Kaeya speak about how Zhongli was using funny pickup lines on him all the time was getting annoying. It made him think about if this was how he looked when he’d talk about Zhongli to his friends.
Kaeya would never shut up about it even if it was a joke. It pissed him off. You can’t say it’s a joke and then gush over it.
Everything had started piling up on him. He had bottled up everything for a while now and he could feel himself cracking.
Hearing Kaeya go on about how amazing Zhongli was in front of him during lunch was something he’d never wish on anyone.
He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t do this anymore.
He couldn’t stand his best friend praising his ex-boyfriend for the bare fucking minimum.
He couldn’t stand being ridiculed to his face. It’s humiliating hearing your best friend talk good about your ex-boyfriend, who not even a week ago was making fun of him.
He couldn’t stand this buildup anymore. It sucked seeing all this happen in front of his face and he couldn’t do anything about it.
He started to cry.
Everyone noticed but he just brushed it off as a headache. He could tell no one bought it but they still went along with it.
He calmed himself before he started sobbing in front of the whole cafeteria.
He continues to have lunch with Kaeya and their little group. They all laugh and tell stories. Their all having an amazing time.
It was during these moments where he could genuinely pretend as if nothing was wrong. He could let himself sink back into normalcy. He could forget everything that happened and be the same old Childe.
That was until Kaeya opened his mouth again.
“I wonder if I like him or not.”
He could feel his friend's eyes on him. He made eye contact with them and instantly regretted it.
They looked at him with pity.
He started to cry again. This time he does a better job at concealing it. He bites the inside of his mouth until he feels blood swirl in his mouth.
He picks at his food. His appetite had long been gone. He didn’t feel like eating because he felt as if he would throw it up.
He stayed quiet for the rest of the lunch period. He didn’t make an effort to engage in conversation with anyone.
When the bell rang he got up from his seat and started to walk to his next period.
The world around him was quiet. All he could feel was his shallow breaths, the quivering of his lip, and how his eyes were burning.
When he got to his class he could see his friends were already there. How strange. He didn’t see them walk past him. How’d they get there that fast?
He walked over to them and opened his mouth to greet them and before he could say anything they cut him off.
“Childe. We know you aren’t okay.”
“Yeah, Childe. Don’t lie to us.”
That’s all it took for him to lose it. He bawled his eyes out onto Hu Tao's shoulder while Ganyu rubbed circles on his back.
That lunch was the worst one he’s ever experienced.
That same day he got a message from Kaeya.
Hilarious.
He saw him crying his eyes out onto his friend's shoulder and he didn’t even bother to ask what happened.
He knew what he was doing. He didn’t care about his feelings. He knew he was the problem but as always, Kaeya loves playing innocent.
“Hey Zhongli just said we aren’t jokingly flirting anymore”
Kaeya then proceeded to send the screenshot. It was just as how Kaeya had explained.
kaeya
hey, so are we joking still?
zhongli
I don’t know you tell me
kaeya
I don’t think we are
zhongli
well then we aren’t
kaeya
🤭
This pissed Childe off.
“Why the emoji?”
“It’s cause I don’t know if he’s being for real or not and I don’t know what to say” was the reply he got.
Bullshit.
“Dude just ask I don’t know”
“It’s cause”
“Cause what?????”
“No nothing”
The next morning he called Kaeya out on his behavior.
“You can’t flirt with him and then say it’s all jokes. It’s obvious he doesn’t think it’s a joke anymore. While you’re just leading him on and making him think you feel the same way he does when you don’t.”
Kaeya went quiet for the majority of the class.
Until he got sent a message from Kaeya since he couldn’t say it to his face.
“You wanna know how I feel about this situation? Well here’s how I feel. I just believe he’s cute like how I believe every other guy is. However, with all the things he’s been saying to me I know how this will end. It’ll end up with me liking him. It’s fucked up I know it is since you still like him. Yet, if he wants to try something with me then I’d be open to trying as well since I don’t want to outright reject him. Though, I’m not sure since you still like him. I don’t want you to be upset I just want you to know I truly feel about this.”
He cried for the duration of the class period.
He had his suspicions. He always did. He just didn’t want to act on them. He knew what would come out of doing that.
He didn't want to take any risk. He was scared of what would happen if he did. He was scared of the reaction.
Now he knows the truth.
He feels hurt.
But he knew this was going to happen. He subconsciously prepared himself for this truth. He told himself he saw this coming but it still hurts.
He can’t even show how he feels. If he does it’ll put him in an awkward situation. School is still ongoing and he can’t just stop talking to Kaeya.
He can’t do anything about this situation. He feels stuck. He can’t stop talking to Kaeya but he also doesn’t want to stop either. He has to act as if nothing is wrong until he can think of something.
So he pretends. He pretends he’s really good friends with Kaeya even after finding out he likes his ex.
He pretends he’s completely unbothered. He pretends he doesn’t care about his best friend liking his ex.
He pretends he’s okay. He pretends that he doesn’t cry every time he’s alone because his best friend likes his ex.
He pretends he doesn’t realize. He pretends he doesn’t realize Kaeya only walks his friends to class because he wants to see Zhongli.
He pretends to still be cool about going with everything Kaeya says. He pretends to be cool about taking longer routes to class just to see Zhongli.
He believes he does an amazing job at pretending. He does so well that no one can tell something is off. He does so well that even Kaeya can’t tell.
Maybe he does and is being ignorant. Pretending he can’t see the underlying hurt in his eyes.
Maybe he pretends that he can’t hear him crying next to him because he wouldn’t know how to handle the situation.
Maybe he pretends that he can’t hear him crying next to him because he’s too busy fucking texting his ex.
He had made his mind up, finally. It had taken him long enough.
He decided to say something about how he felt to Kaeya. He had enough time to think everything through and now he can articulate words. It was now or never.
childe
I gave it enough time to think about and I’m finally ready to talk about this situation, especially how I feel about this. What I’m going to say I don’t mean to offend you at all. I’m just being honest.
I’m glad you were honest with me but that doesn’t make me feel better. I’m glad you didn’t lie to me but either way, hearing that from you does not make this situation hurt any less.
I know you probably didn’t have any ill intentions when you started talking to Zhongli, but you shouldn’t have flirted with him. It doesn’t matter who started first it’s the fact you flirted back. I didn’t speak up about it before and I know I should’ve but I didn’t want to seem jealous.
Kaeya, you had control of the situation. You could’ve done so many things. You could’ve, not flirted back, let him know that you dont do that, or just have blocked him.
This shit is extremely fucked up and you know it. You’re aware of your actions and you know what you're doing. You know he’s my ex and you know I still love him.
I’ve told you so many things about him. I’ve cried to you about him. I gushed about him to you. I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I don’t want you dating my ex-boyfriend that I’m in love with.
I appreciate the honesty but I don’t know how to feel. You have to put yourself in my position. What would you do if your best friend started liking your ex that you're still in love with?
kaeya
I know it’s fucked up. You have the right to be upset at me but I don’t want this to ruin our friendship. I know you still like him and that you can’t get over him but I didn’t have the intention of starting to talk to Zhongli. While I talked to him I didn't completely think any of this through.
I’m sorry if you’re upset or disappointed but I can’t do much of the situation anymore. I don’t want this to ruin what we have but I understand where your feelings are coming from.
childe
Kaeya. There’s so much you can do about this situation. do you want this friendship? Since, I wouldn’t know how to cope if you, my best friend, got with Zhongli, my ex-boyfriend. I want to continue our friendship but how can I after you told me you like my ex-boyfriend the guy that I love? Put yourself in my position for a moment.
kaeya
I do care about our friendship. I really do fucking care, but I also feel like you have to understand, he’s your ex. I know that you love him a lot but you have to understand the amount of bad stuff he has said about you. I’m not saying him not liking you makes any of this right because I’m aware this is fucked up. I’m being honest with you, I started to like him and now we’re talking. I’m extremely sorry that it had to be like this but you told me you wouldn’t judge me for it and you clearly are. I know I’m the one in the wrong, I’m aware of that. I’m truly sorry but I can’t control my feelings and neither can he.
Seen ten minutes ago.
He’s never cried at school. He believes it’s embarrassing to cry at school. He had grown up to think crying was a moment of weakness.
Showing weakness was like a death trap. If he showed weakness he’d be taken as a weakling. If he was weak in the eyes of others he’d be prey.
He never wanted to be prey. He never wanted to be taken as a joke. He never wanted to be weak.
Ironic.
He’s now crying in the arms of his friends.
At school.
In the gym.
In front of people.
Oh, Kaeya. Look what you’ve done.
After the tears, Childe pulled himself together.
He started to move on.
Kaeya thinking that his ‘you can tell me anything and I won’t judge you’ also included liking his ex pissed him the fuck off. Also, the fact he started liking his ex-boyfriend after flirting with him.
Zhongli getting with his best friend pissed him off even more.
He stopped talking to Kaeya and Zhongli. He stopped talking to the people that make him miserable.
Instead, he surrounded himself with people who made him feel happy. Which helped a lot. He noticed a difference in his mood.
Everything was fine. It was. He lost a friend and his first love, yes, but everything was fine. He went from crying himself to sleep to still crying but very minimally.
Kaeya didn’t seem to catch the fact he didn’t want to be friends with him anymore.
He always looked at him during class. He couldn’t focus because he felt a burning gaze from behind him.
He always wanted to be with him. Which was understandable. They were always together. They were never seen by themselves. They were two peas in a pod.
Childe had to force himself to turn the other way when he would see Kaeya waiting for him at their spot. He'd walk past him and go with his other friends.
Kaeya always looked as if he wanted to speak to him. He caught him once. Kaeya was walking up to him and he opened his mouth to say something but Childe didn’t give him the time of day anymore.
Kaeya didn’t seem to take the hint at first. He kept trying to get him to utter a word at him but he never succeeded.
When Kaeya finally did catch the hint, his response was enraging.
“I don’t think Childes likes me anymore.”
You fucking think?
The last day of school.
Thank fucking god.
He couldn’t stand another second in that hell.
Childe cried when he saw his friends. He saw Ganyu and Hu Tao and it made him start crying.
One person was missing.
That made him cry harder.
kaeya
I wanted to tell you that I’m super sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings and I understand your upset. I wanted to tell you that I still have so much love for you since you have been there for me no matter what and you never judged me after everything I’ve told you. I hate that we have to be in the middle of this situation and I know I’m the one who caused it. I’ve talked a lot about this with Zhongli because it’s something that’s been constantly on my mind since I really do care about our friendship and I truly do love you so much. I hope we can be friends in the near future and you’ll be able to forgive me. ❤️
“Hello?” He heard a smooth voice over the line.
“I wanted to say that what you did to me really did hurt. I love and care for you a lot but I’m not gonna be here and pretend like what you did didn’t hurt me. you hurt my feelings tremendously because I didn’t expect you to do that to me. I hate how this situation even happened in the first place and we got tied between it. I wish it had never happened but it did. I felt and still feel betrayed but what can I do abt it now? life moves on.
I don't want it to seem like I’m trying to invalidate you because what you feel is just as valid as my feelings. I get that how you can’t control how you feel. I feel like I can forgive you and be your friend again but I just need time to heal because I still don’t know how to feel about this.
I hate how I can’t hold a conversation with you and laugh until we're out of breath but I don’t know how to be normal. However, I’m happy for you and Zhongli. What can I do about it now? I do love and care about you so if you're happy with Zhongli then continue your relationship with him. If your happy then so am I.
I don’t hate you.”
He’s glad this school year is over.
This one easily tops the worst ever school year hes ever experienced.
It also holds the top spot for the most he’s ever cried at school before.
He has Kaeya and Zhongli to thank for that.