Chapter Text
Tommy slams the door closed with a loud slam.
"UGH!" Tommy groans as he flops onto his bed. Wait. Tommy gets back up and heads to the cupboard, he grabs a set of tweezers and a small, round plastic bowl with a lid on it. He turns to Shroud, his tarantulas' terrarium, and opens the lid. "Oh hello, Shroooud!" Tommy says in that silly voice you use when talking to pets. "Would you like a silkworm?" He grabs one of the wriggling worms with his tweezers and holds it to Shroud's fangs. Shroud almost immediately grabs, and sinks his fangs into the worm."Tasty innit?"
"Oh yes, Tommy! It is VERY tasty!" Tommy is sure that's what Shroud is thinking.
Tommy sets the lid back. He needs to get back to his big man stuff. Like being HELLA frustrated. What could make a big man such as Tomathy Danger Kracken Innit so frustrated you may ask?
The fact that everyone around him is too oblivious to realize their 'Match made in heaven' is RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO THEM! How the hell are they all so goddamn clueless!?
Tubbzo? Ranboob.
Wilbur? Quackity.
Puffy? Niki!
It's so all so painfully fucking obvious! Tommy swears to Lady Prime if they don't get their act together, he's going to do it himself!
Oh.
Well, there's an idea! A sly grin pulls at Tommy's lips.
After oh so many years, none of them have figured it out. So, Tommy will do it himself! Is Tommy intruding on people's personal lives? Most definitely. Does he care? No, not really, but this is going to be entertaining! Oh so entertaining!
Tommy pulls his notebook, and pencil out from his dresser drawer. He needs to get planning.
------------Le next day--------------
Tommy feels a hand shaking him awake. "Noooo, fuck you. Let me sleeeep."
"Get up or I push you off the bed." The voice on the other end of the hand responds.
Tommy grunts. "You don't have the balls, pussy b-" Tommy is pushed off the bed.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" The voice, who he now recognizes as Wilbur giggles.
"What did I tell you?" A stupidly smug grin is painted across Wils face. Tommy flips him off.
Tommy drags his feet across the floor as he walks to the kitchen for breakfast. It is WAY too early for life.
"Good morning mate!" Phil's deep, sleepy voice calls. "Wilbur is a dick." Phil laughs before asking, "Why?" Tommy grunts. "Bitch pushed me off the bed." Phil chuckles, his wings puffing up a bit, before walking over and petting Tommy's head in between his large, striped raccoon ears.
After Tommy finishes breakfast, he runs out the door to school.
Classes were boring as usual, he swam through the ocean of thoughts that is his mind and just barely got a passing grade for his done-last-minute homework. Luckily though, whenever school ends Tubbo and Ranboo will be the next people he sees.
Tommy runs as quickly as he can to Tubbos house, he rings the doorbell to be met with Schlatt, Tubbos father.
"Hello, bitch." Schlatt snickeres at the rude name. "Hello, little British boy." Tommy screws up his face. "Eugh, American. Let me through, BITCH. I wanna see Tubzo." Schlatt ruffled Tommy's hair before moving out of the way.
Tommy runs through the familiar hallways of Tubbo's house and into his room. "TUBBO." Tommy opens the door to Tubbo's room, the door is decorated with bee stickers. "Hi, Tommy."
Ok, pause.
You, little man, may be asking, 'Oh what, biggest man of them all, Tommy is your plan to get Tubbo (Bee boy) and RanBOOB together?' Well, little man, the plan is simple! You see, Tubs and Boob are already really close! The two simply don't realize how great things could be if they were together! Tall and short, angry and gentle giant! The perfect match! Does Tommy know much about romance? Fuck no, but is he going to do it anyway? Yes.
Anyway, Tommy will leave subtle hints of them maybe getting together, after a bit of that, he'll just outright ask Ranboo which will make them realize. Then, he'll unsubtly hint at the possibility to Tubbo which will make him be all like, 'Tommy!? Where the hell did you get that idea!?' Tommy will then list off all the ways they act like they're already together, then Tubbo will probably turn beet red, have a mini-crisis, then come to terms with his feelings. Tommy will then (after it is confirmed that Tubbo returns the feelings), tell Tubbo that Ranboo likes him back. After a bit of banter, Tommy will offer to help Tubbo confess.
And the rest is future Tommy's problem.
"Tubs, you and Ranboo are the bestest of friends, behind me of course, right?" Tubbo unglues his eyes from his computer screen to look at Tommy, or as close to looking as you can get when your bangs cover half your face. "Yeah, why?" Tommy flicks his tail back and forth. "Hm, I dunno."
The rest of his visit continues to have Tommy subtly hint, after a while he and Tubbo got into a fight. A fight that ended with Tommy getting two small puncture wounds on his stomach from a certain goat boy. It's around five-thirty when Tommy leaves to visit his second target, Ranboo.
Tommy knocks on Ranboos door and is met with Jack. "Ayup," He says. "Ayup," Says the other, then Jack lets Tommy through.
Tommy walks in and smells the familiar, and homey scent of Nikis cooking.
"Oh, hi Tommy!" Niki's comforting voice calls. "Hello, Niki."
Niki cuts two slices of pie and hands the plates to Tommy. "I'd guess you're here for Ranboo, bring one up to him please." Tommy nods and heads up the stairs.
"Ranboooo, can I come iiiin?" He hears Ranboo chuckle from the other side of the door before being let in.
"Hi Tommy, ooh pie?" Tommy nods and hands a plate to Ranboo.
"So, Tommy. What's up?" Ah, perfect. Tommy's chance! "Ranboob, you looooove me and Tubzo right?" Ranboo seems a bit confused but answers. "Well, yeah? Of course, I do! You guys are my best friends!" Tommy nods.
The next two hours consisted of pie, memes, and relaxation.
"Bye-bye, Ranboob."
"Bye, Tommy!" Ranboos tail flicked a bit.
And Tommy was off!
Tommy continued his subtle hints for the next couple of days before he finally deemed them ready.
First stop, Ranboo.
Tommy knocked on the door, and Jack answered. "Ayup," said one. "Ayup," Says the other.
Tommy this time wastes no time and heads straight to Ranboos door. "Can I come in Ranboooooooo? After a moment the door opens.
"Hiya Tommy."
"Hello, Ranboo."
Ranboo tilts their head and crosses their arms. "You always call me "Ranboob" You only say "Ranboo" When you're planning something, what is it?' Tommy rolls his eyes before answering. "Actually, I have a question. A question I NEED you to be honest about. Promise?" Tommy holds out his pinkie. Ranboo hesitates before wrapping their pinkie around Tommy's. "Ok, do you have a crush on Tubbo?"
"..."
Ranboo is the brightest red Tommy has ever seen, and Tommy has seen ALOT of red in his red-loving life.
Suddenly Ranboo groans really loudly.
"Now that you mention it... yeeeeeeeah." Ranboo's words are laced with an amount of self-pity Tommy had only heard from Wilbur's countless comedic love songs. "Well, uh. Wanna like, talk about it???"
"I dunno... can we just like, play Bloons?" Tommy nods, and the next three hours are filled with the pop of balloons, after that Tommy heads to Tubbo.
Tommy rings the doorbell of Tubbo's house. "Hey, raccoon." Tommy rolls his eyes but his faux annoyance is betrayed by a smile. "Hello goat man, I am here for goat BOY." Shclatt nods and lets Tommy in.
Tommy runs to Tubbo's room and barges in. "HELLO GOAT BOY." Tubbo flaps his hands (hoove things??) when Tommy comes in.
"Hi, Tommy! Look, my code is working!" Tommy hurried to Tubbo's computer and saw Tubbo making a little bunny run around. "Aw hell yeah Tubs!"
After a bit of bickering, Tommy finally starts.
"You and Ranboob are the closest! Practically married!" Tubbo picks his bangs up and glares at Tommy. "When are you two gonna get together already, the tension has been ongoing for quite a while n-" Tubbo pulls Tommy's tail. Hard. "AH SHIT, THE FUCK!? BLOODY HELL TUBBO, YOU FUCKING BASTARD." Tubbo stands up, the clack of his hooves on the hardwood floor alerts Tommy. "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT IDEA FUCKER!?" Tommy stops being angry so he can give Tubbo a disappointed dad stare. "Tubbo, you quite literally fall asleep on call with him every night. You constantly say you love each other. You guys adopted a piglet named Micheal and are raising him together. I could go on."
Tubbo is red, not quite as red as Ranboo was but still. He sits back down in his seat, face in his hands, his goat ears are bright red.
"Tubbo, do you like Ranbob?" He receives a groan from his friend. "Looks like it boss-man." Tommy hums.
"They like you back." Tubbo looks back up to his friend. "How do you know?" Tommy smirks. "Told me just a bit ago, asked them and they said yes."
"Dear lord Tommy, if you're fucking with me I will crack open your bones, pour the bone marrow in a smoothie maker, grate the bone, put it in, and have a Tommy smoothie." Tommy would be lying if he said he isn't at least a bit scared for his life. "I can help you two get together." Tubbo looks Tommy dead in the eyes. "Swear on your bones you're not fucking with me."
"I, Tomathy Danger Kracken Innit, swear on my bones I am not fucking with you." Tommy crosses his ribcage.
"Ok Tommy, help me get with Ranboo." Tubbo pretty much mumbles the last bit of the sentence.
Tommy nods and opens his phone to message Ranboo.
BigMan: Tubbo likes you back.
Gender: WAIT WHAT :0
Gender: HOW DO YOU KNOW?????
BigMan: I asked him, idiot.
Gender: Does he know I like him??????????????????
BigMan: Yepperoonie
Gender: You outed me didn't you
BigMan: How else would he know smh
BigMan: He wanted me to get you two lovebirds together.
Gender: UUUUUH, TELL HIM TO CALL ME????????????????
BigMan: Sure thing bosoi s man
Gender: ??????????????????
"Call Ranboo. They want you to call." Tubbo nods and pulls out his phone. Now, to watch the action.
"Hi Ranbooooo,"
Ranboo says something.
"U-Uh, y-" Tubbo sighs. "Yeah, yes. Tommy was not lying."
Ranboo responds.
"Um, do you like wanna... go somewhere?"
Ranboo says something again, man. It fucking sucks to only hear one side of this conversation.
After a few more minutes, Tubbo puts the phone down. "So, how'd it go?" Tommy asks, swinging his legs and tail while on his stomach.
"Well boss man, you got me a date."