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Obi-Wan never wished Qui-Gon was with him more than he does now, when he has his own padawan. He always thought that whenever he did take a padawan one day, his master would be there, and he'd be able to go to him if he ever needed advice. But he's gone now, and Obi-Wan has not only a padawan, but the most unusual padawan ever known to the Order.
Anakin is nothing like any of the other Jedi, forever shaped by the nine years he lived before coming here – especially on a place like Tatooine, as a slave – and Obi-Wan sees that frequently in... everything Anakin does. And half the time, he feels like he has no idea how to deal with it.
Especially right now, when Obi-Wan comes back to his room after attending some other Knight duties, to see his padawan scrubbing his quarters from top to bottom furiously.
Again.
It's not the first time he's done it, either. Not that he doesn't appreciate the effort, but he can't begin to understand why a nine-year-old would ever willingly clean something, and certainly not someone else's quarters. Obi-Wan certainly had little interest in such things as a youngling that age.
"Hey, Master," Anakin calls, cheerfully, standing.
"Have you finished your schoolwork yet?" Obi-Wan asks, approaching him. Because that's really what his padawan ought to be doing right now, with how far behind he is. He's only been at the Temple for a few weeks.
His expression falls a little. "Most of it. I... don't know what some of it... means."
Because he's still having a difficult time reading. He can read only a limited amount of Basic. It makes it even more challenging for him to catch up quickly.
"We can go over it," Obi-Wan assures, and Anakin relaxes almost imperceptibly, for some reason.
Which... is when he notes something else. He catches Anakin's wrist, frowning at the reddish spots on his hands. "Were you using cleaners without wearing gloves again?"
"... Yes?"
To be fair, he probably can't even read what the bottles say, at least not enough to even try putting the effort into deciphering it. But there's no way his hands couldn't hurt, and Obi-Wan has no idea how that doesn't bother him. "Come on," he says, monitoring for him to follow into the hall, to the communal 'fresher a distance down the hall. "You need to wash this off."
Anakin immediately trails after, seemingly unconcerned.
"Why do you do this?" Obi-Wan asks, "You never clean up your room." It's a literal tripping hazard, and Obi-Wan doesn't usually dare venture inside.
"Watto always had me do that," he replies, says, a little hesitantly, "I thought I could... help here, too."
Oh.
That... He should've guessed, though he doesn't really know anything about Anakin's experiences there, or what was expected of him. And it leaves him completely unsure how to approach this.
"You don't need to do that, Anakin," Obi-Wan says, finally, "We have droids here to deal with it. It's not your... duty. As a padawan, you have more important matters to be dealing with." Like his schoolwork.
Anakin pauses, looking up at him, expression faltering a little. "You don't... want me to?" he asks.
He seems a little disappointed or maybe hurt, or... something. Was he doing it because he thought it would please him or something?
"It's not that I don't... appreciate it," Obi-Wan offers, "But you have... schoolwork that you need to focus on, first. And we need to be working on that right now."
He lightly touches Anakin's shoulder, picking up the pace as he keeps walking. He doesn't know what else he ought to say on the cleaning subject, so he'll drop it for now. They do have other things to deal with, after all.
***
"What have you done to this place?" Obi-Wan asks with every shred of the incredulousness he feels, standing in the doorway of Anakin's room. It is a literal disaster. He already knew that, but he figured with how much time Anakin spent coming to his, he should... consider doing likewise.
"I know where everything is," Anakin replies, with far too much cheer. He's always cheerful, though, except for random phases when he's just... withdrawn.
"This is what could use cleaning," he replies, flatly, He picks up a stray piece of... droid-wire-something, setting in on the table in Anakin's room. "You could step on that."
"I was trying to keep those parts together," Anakin objects, scrambling to collect some other literal junk lying on the floor nearby. "I was gonna put them together."
"Put them together," he echoes. On second thought, he doesn't want to know, and he better keep talking before Anakin starts telling him all about it. "Perhaps first we should pick this up a little."
Anakin seems momentarily hesitant, oddly enough.
"I won't ruin your... organization," he adds. Which he still sees absolutely none of.
"You don't hafta do that," he says, finally, "I can... do it."
He seems a little nervous, though Obi-Wan's not sure why. "We'll finish it faster together," he brushes it off, and they... get to work.
Except, he doesn't get much further before stumbling onto some... food?
It's carefully concealed in the corner, and he wouldn't have found it at all if he wasn't trying to help straighten things out.
...Why is he hiding food here?
It looks like it was done a little too intentionally to have been set there and forgotten.
Though taking one look at Anakin and how skinny and small he still is for his age, even though he's been here for some weeks now, he suddenly can't help wondering. He obviously never had enough on Tatooine.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan begins, though he genuinely has no idea how to approach this. He looks up, stilling when he clearly realizes what Obi-Wan found. "You know we have plenty of food here. You... don't need to worry about being without." He... can genuinely not imagine someone having to be so worried about that. Sometimes, there were difficulties on missions, especially during the war on Mandalore. It... was hard to find any resources then, but Anakin is the age of many of the younglings. And it must be a deeply ingrained fear, for him to be keeping food stores despite how much he knows there is at the Temple. He'd been practically gaping at it the first few times Obi-Wan took him to the cafeteria.
Anakin looks at him, nervously. "I..."
"That's... what you're worried about, right?" Obi-Wan asks, when he doesn't answer.
He nods slightly, but it feels like there's more he's not saying.
"You've seen how much food we have here," he repeats, "You don't need to worry about not having enough. You can always have more if you want it."
"... Can I?" he asks, tentatively.
"I believe I've told you that numerous times before. Why would you think otherwise?"
"But if I..." he begins, uncertainly, as though fumbling for the right words.
"What?" he asks, frowning.
"Watto said I had to – to earn that, work enough that it made getting us food worth it or he'd make us wait. And I'm way behind in my classes, and I –"
What.
He –
Obi-Wan thought Anakin never ate enough because they didn't have enough resources on Tatooine, not because he was deliberately being starved. Because he wasn't working hard enough. Is that the real reason he's hiding food here? He thinks if he doesn't catch up fast enough, he won't be fed?
How is Obi-Wan supposed to deal with a situation like this?! "That isn't what we do here," he replies, and it's really nothing but he doesn't know what else to offer Anakin. "No matter how far behind or not you are, you're still going to be fed, Anakin. That's not something you need to... deserve."
He looks up, cautiously hopeful.
"Why don't we finish up here?" he suggests, finally. Probably just leaving it is best. If this doesn't make it obvious enough to Anakin, he should realize in time, anyway. Right?
***
"Anakin!" He should be perfectly aware that hiding behind a pillar in the Temple hallway is a very abysmal hiding spot.
And nor is Obi-Wan the least bit impressed with his antics. Master Tosan, a Zygerrian Jedi Knight he's worked with a couple times in the past, called him over because Anakin was in a fight with another padawan. Which... Obi-Wan knows happens sometimes, but it's something that needs to stop happening. He's talked to him about it numerous times in the past.
The boy shuffles out from behind the column, expression downcast.
"Master Tosan told me what happened," he says, shortly, "And that you ranwhen she was speaking to you about it." Which... is not something Anakin's ever done before so he doesn't understand what's with him today.
"I... didn't mean to," he offers, quietly, practically squirming.
"You didn't mean to," Obi-Wan echoes, disbelievingly.
"She – what she said... I didn't mean to," he repeats.
Obi-Wan has no idea what that was supposed to mean. "We'll deal with this later," Obi-Wan replies, shortly. He doesn't have time right now. He was busy until she called about Anakin's class. "Wait in my room. We'll deal with this before going to bed." It's already late, after all.
Anakin freezes, gaze darting up momentarily to look up at him, before he just as quickly looks away.
Obi-Wan has no idea how to make of the sudden fear coloring the Force around him, or on his face. He knows there's times that Anakin... acts as though he's expecting to be hit – something that happened to him on Tatooine, and for all that he can find Anakin frustrating at times, he can't imagine how someone could hit a child like him – but he thought they were moving past that.
"I'll be there soon," he tells him, trying to tone down the irritation in his voice.
He waits until Anakin reluctantly turns to go – to make sure he's actually going though he doubts he'd disobey again – before he heads off, to finish what he was trying to deal with before.
It takes a little longer than he expected, and his annoyance is mostly gone by the time he finally makes it to his quarters. He half expects to see Anakin furiously cleaning it the way he sometimes still does, but instead he's sitting on the floor, against the side of the bed, knees drawn up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them. And he still feels scared.
A lot more than simply 'scared' actually, if the way he seems to be trying to make himself disappear into the bedpost is anything to go by.
"Anakin?" he asks, frowning.
"I'm sorry," he blurts in a rush, voice shaking. He sounds like he's about to cry, and it makes Obi-Wan freeze. He – has no idea what to do when Anakin gets that emotional or upset. "I'm sorry. I didn't –"
"Anakin?" he repeats, uncertainly taking a step closer and finally crouching in front of him. He has no idea what to say to him, at all. He doesn't even understand what's wrong. He's obviously afraid of being hurt but he's never gotten this worked up by it before.
"Sorry," he mumbles again, miserably.
Sometimes, he thinks he has no idea how to take care of Anakin at all. "It's alright," he tells him, in a way that he hopes sounds soothing, reaching to touch him.
Anakin outright flinches. He probably would've backed away if he wasn't presently cornered.
Obi-Wan's hand drops back to his side, and for a moment he just sits there, wondering what precisely he's supposed to say to him. "You know I'm not going to... hurt you," he offers. It sounds lame, even to him. "That's not how Jedi operate."
He doesn't seem convinced.
"We've talked about you fighting with the other padawans before, and I think you already know how you're supposed to handle those situations. Just because things went further this time doesn't mean I'm going to... hurt you."
Or beat him. Is that what he's afraid of?
How is he supposed to reassure him of that? Especially when he seems so afraid of it right now, and Obi-Wan doesn't really understand what triggered it.
To be fair, none of Anakin's actions in regards to this incident have made much sense to him, starting with running from the Zygerrian Jedi in the first place. Unless it was something she said that upset him so much, but Obi-Wan can't imagine what.
"I – I can go?" Anakin asks hesitantly, still not looking up.
"If you... want." Generally, Anakin's the one who wants to stay here, especially at night.
He backs away after a brief moment, standing to give him a little room, in case... something. It seems to help, though, because he relaxes a little, finally standing and edging towards the door like he's expecting to be told to stop.
Seriously, what's with him? Obi-Wan still feels like he's missing something huge, and while the strangest things can set his padawan off sometimes, he can't figure out what it could be this time.
Anakin finally takes off out the door, and he doesn't creep in during the night to sleep next to his bed that night, unlike he frequently does.
Obi-Wan's considering asking him what that was all about the next morning, but he doesn't have any idea how, and Anakin's acting more or less normal again. And after he does come to his room again the next night, Obi-Wan just... decides to drop it.
And he can hope something that bizarre which he has no idea how to handle won't repeat itself again.
***
Sometimes, Obi-Wan has to teach Anakin things himself, because he catches on faster. It's not something Obi-Wan understands, exactly, because it'd be so much easier for both of them if they didn't have to do it, but he has to figure out how Anakin can actually learn. It's not about preferences or simplicity.
Usually, that works, except right now, apparently, when Anakin will not sit still. He keeps squirming, and Obi-Wan is fairly certain he's not listening at all.
"Are you listening?" he asks, and Anakin just freezes.
"I – uh – Yes?" he offers, which is basically a no.
He sighs, trying to let go of his frustration because Anakin needs patience right now, but it's still exhausting. "Is something wrong?" he queries, because usually when Anakin gets antsy, it's because something's bothering him.
"I'm sorry," Anakin blurts out, crossing his arms, sort of curling in on himself. He does that a lot, and Obi-Wan would rather not know if it's because he's expecting someone to hit him. "It's just too... quiet."
Quiet? What? "Of course, it's quiet," he replies, genuinely befuddled, "We're inside, Anakin."
He can't really read Anakin's expression. He's definitely being bothered by something. "I know." Anakin, it seems, doesn't know how to explain any more than Obi-Wan knows how to ask.
He's still fidgeting, though.
"It's not the sound that's the problem, is it?" he clarifies, because he can't imagine something like that which could bother Anakin so much. More likely, it's the Force, and his padawan has struggled with that since he came.
His expression scrunches a little. "It's the... stillness?" he tries.
"The Force is the same here as it always is," Obi-Wan replies, confused. He genuinely doesn't understand at all. Why does it bother Anakin so much? Shouldn't he be glad?
"On Tatooine, it was always loud," Anakin tries explaining, "Not overwhelming, but loud."
"Wouldn't that make it easier to focus on your schoolwork now?" Obi-Wan asks. He genuinely doesn't understand why that would make it harder.
"I... everything was always moving," Anakin explains, and that, at least, Obi-Wan can make some sense of. Atmospheric changes – he's used to violence, which is obvious in his reactions sometimes. "I never had to just... sit."
And that, at least, Obi-Wan can somewhat understand. He knew Anakin would struggle with adjusting to an entirely different life. He doesn't really know what to do about it, though. "You're not on Tatooine anymore," Obi-Wan reminds, for the... how many times has he had to tell Anakin this? It will take time, but Obi-Wan genuinely has no idea what's wrong half the time. He's not Qui-Gon. He doesn't understand people's needs the way his master did. It has never been what he's good at. "Is... there something else you would like to do?" he queries finally, because that's something his master would ask him sometimes.
"Can... you teach me more about lightsabers?" Anakin asks, brightening.
That, at least, is something both he and his padawan share. (Beating frustration out on droids is, admittedly, the easiest way to let go. Which. Is probably not Jedi-like, exactly, but it works? Most of the time. To be fair, it isn't as though it's strictly forbidden, either.)
***
Anakin is good at everything he does, really, even if some things are harder than others. He cannot connect with animals, and thereby, can't understand the basics of mind-tricks. Which, considering the other things he's capable of, Obi-Wan is willing to let that slide a bit. It'll take time.
He's growing fastest in lightsaber combat, Obi-Wan has noticed. Anakin learns best in motion, when he's moving.
He's still young, and is hardly past getting his own lightsaber, though Obi-Wan suspects it won't be long before Anakin can beat him. At least he can imagine it happening some point in the future, even if it's not for years.
But he's... aggressive. Too much so. He's pushing too far, fiercely determined to win, even if he's far, far too young to even know what he's doing. It had been years before Obi-Wan was able to beat his own master. It wasn't until he was in his late teens, and Anakin is far younger than that.
"Slow down," he chides, pulling back, and Anakin stills, panting, but still looking as though he's about to attack again at any moment. Or to be attacked – he's always afraid of being hurt.
"There's more to being a Jedi than fighting," Obi-Wan scolds. "You know this, Anakin." He does, even if it doesn't seem like he understands it.
Anakin's shoulders slump a little. "But... I thought the point was winning?"
"Yes, but it will take time and patience. It will not be immediate, and not through aggression."
He looks hurt, for some reason, mumbling a quiet "yes master" and readjusts his stance.
"You improve through practice," Obi-Wan tells him, "Not by rushing. Why are you so determined to do it now?"
"I – how am I supposed to learn faster if I don't keep trying?"
"Through practice," Obi-Wan repeats. He literally just said that. "You already are catching up to where you're supposed to be. You don't need to rush through everything."
Anakin just seems confused more than anything else. "I don't... understand," he replies.
Somehow, it clicks in that moment, what the problem is, though Obi-Wan doesn't really understand why. "You don't need to prove yourself, if that's what you're trying to do. I am well aware that you are just... beginning."
Anakin doesn't dispute that that's what he's trying to do, so Obi-Wan assumes that he's right. Though what to do about it, he doesn't know.
Especially not because when they do start sparring again, Anakin is still very quickly slipping back into that same aggressiveness and determination, for all that Obi-Wan repeatedly tells him he needs to stop.
He doesn't even understand why he's trying so hard to prove himself, but it's another one of those things about his padawan that he doesn't know will ever fully make sense.
***
Zygerria was... it was. It was a mission nearly guaranteed to go south from the start. That doesn't mean Obi-Wan anticipated getting stuck as a slave or anything else that followed. It was only a couple days, but that doesn't mean it was easy. There was nothing like being there on Kadavo, watching and unable to help as people were being hurt and killed. That was the point though – to wear people out and break them,
Obi-Wan knew, despite what the Zygerrians were acting like, that none of what was happening was something he could help. He couldn't stop it. There was nothing he could do. As a Jedi, he understands he can't help everyone, and he's used to it.
It's just not a specific circumstance he's dealt with before. He was being pointedly targeted, as a Jedi, and the Zygerrians wanted to...
It's all the past now, but he's never going to stop remembering.
"Glad to get away from this place, Master?" Anakin queries as they board the gunships, heading up to the cruiser. He knew Anakin would make it here, of course. No one has ever successfully captured Anakin for long, even when he was a young child.
Ever since this started, there's been something he needed to say. There's so much he should tell his former padawan, actually. For all that happened, for as hard as it was, he can finally understand some of what Anakin struggled with. It isn't close, and he knows that, but after years of knowing Anakin, years of feeling hopelessly inadequate at training and understanding him, it feels like he owes him something.
"I would say more than you know, Anakin, but you do know." He hesitates, a little uncertain, because he has never had conversations like these with anyone before. "If, in the past, I have been dismissive about slavery, I apologize. I was subjected to it for a brief time, and I still can't imagine living with it every day, especially as a child."
It was different for Anakin, to be sure, because he wasn't a Jedi, and it wasn't his duty to take care of others yet, but he still chose to. That's where their differences are. Obi-Wan has always had a life, has never had to make choices for himself, or wanted to. Anakin's entire life has been about choices, and he chose to be what he is today: a star of light from the deepest darkness, from things that Obi-Wan can't even begin to imagine.
Couldn't, at least, because he can somewhat see it now.
He now knows the pain, the desperation, the... helplessness. That's what grated on him most. He's a Jedi Master. He's a Council member. Obi-Wan is used to having control over things. Everything, really – he's one of the highest people in the galaxy.
"I understand now, that letting go of it isn't something that happens easily," Obi-Wan confesses, "But if anyone can do it, I believe you can." He touches Anakin's shoulder, and Anakin twitches slightly before leaning into it.
"I'm trying, Master," he replies quietly, and Obi-Wan knows that. He can't ask for something more than that, not after he understands what it feels like.
He can finally make sense of Anakin's desperate need to prove himself, of how he feels like he'll be nothing unless he fights to show it. He understands why Anakin is so obsessed with strength, with people seeing him. Maybe he doesn't feel the same, but that's only because he wasn't there long enough to. It makes so much sense now.
All of it, and he wishes he knew before.
"No one should have to live that life," Anakin continues, "Maybe someday, no one will."
Obi-Wan catches the way Ahsoka looks at her master, nearly hopefully, and it feels like they're planning something, intending something, though it doesn't matter now. They're busy with the war. If Anakin and Ahsoka want to go on an anti-slave rampage, after the war's over, if they're not risking the outbreak of another war, he certainly has no objections.
It's as good a future to look to as any, because there will be a time then, someday when the war ends, and after Zygerria... Obi-Wan would like to help them see it through.