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Mac and I are at an amusement park, standing behind a green and white stall that we illegally set up, entitled “Paddy’s Bar! BeeR Chep!”. A job by Charlie, that was understandably turning potential customers away.
“Come on, Dennis. Please. Just one ride.” He was holding cotton candy in one hand and tugging on my sleeve with the other. Being his irritating self, as usual.
“No, we’re not going on a stupid ferris wheel ride, Mac. We have a job to do. We’re supposed to be getting people to buy our beer.” God, he’s like a puppy, who just won’t shut up. Yap, yap, yap.
“We already disappeared for like 15 minutes looking for the cotton candy stall, okay? Where the fuck is Dee?” Mac looked disappointed, but didn’t push it any further.
I hate when he does that. I’d rather he push my buttons for the rest of my days than see those pathetic, little puppy dog eyes adorn his face ever again. Why doesn’t he just stand up for himself? If it were Charlie, he’d drag him by his underwear over to that damn ferris wheel.
I look around again, Dee’s poorly curled, damaged hair is nowhere to be seen. Where is she? She’s supposed to be the “hot” half-naked girl who actually gets people to buy beer from us. I focus again on Mac. He gazes at nothing with that unoccupied look on his face. I don’t know what’s changed in the last 15 years, but now it seems all he does is wait around for me.
“Fine.”
Mac swings his head around, “What?”
“Fine. We…” I look at nothing in particular and sigh, slightly peeved, “… will go on the ferris wheel.”
His face brightens. His smile gleams. “Yes! Hell yes, Dennis, this is gonna be so great. I mean, we never go to amusement parks, we should be getting on rides, not standing behind this dumb wobbly table...” He pulls off his green apron and starts untying mine.
I laugh, relieving a little tension in my shoulders. I guess he’s right. It’s not like we were getting any business, anyways. “Yeah, whatever.” I say, nonchalantly.
-
“Jesus, this line is so goddamn long.” I can feel sweat drenching my forehead. It’s been 30 minutes, why does everyone want to get on this stupid ferris wheel?
Mac is unphased, still shoving that cotton candy down his mouth. He looks excited, that's nice, I guess. He’s sweating too, it drips down his arms. His arms are a nice warm tan. He always seems to get a nice tan in the sun, whereas I put on 10 layers of sunscreen and I still get burned.
He turns, now facing me. My eyes land on his shirt, it has a huge sweat mark, and it's hugging his chest. Wow.
I look back up at him. I fidget a little. There’s a weird feeling in my gut.
“Are you alright, man?” Mac asks, sincerely. Everything else turns to a blur, except him.
My mind blanks.
I look away, suddenly feeling like I can’t make eye contact.
“Yeah, shut up, dude. Of course I’m fine.” That’ll shut him up, until we get to the front of the line. God, can we just get this over with? I’m not sure why but immediately, I regret agreeing to this. I meant… it’s… it’s weird for two grown men, two friends, to sit on a ferris wheel together. Right? Yeah.
I focus on Mac. He still looks unbothered, cheery… good. Good, as in fine. He looks fine, obviously. He looks okay.
I take a shaky breath. Why do I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack? Nothing is happening. Nothing has changed since 2 minutes ago. Everything is okay. Just stop thinking. Stop feeling.
-
Thankfully, at the front of the line, I had regulated myself. Back to normal, good. That was weird, whatever ‘that’ was. Mac hands over a pocketful of money over to the ride operator, they open up the gate and guide us onto the compact two-person seat. Mac’s body uncomfortably presses up against me.
“Dennis, this is going to be great. You know, I’ve never been on one of these before.”
“You know, now that I think about it, neither have I. Dee always wanted me to, but I never got on with her.”
“Really, why not?”
“I-“ I’m cut off as the ferris wheel starts moving. Immediately, I feel my heart drop into my stomach. I clear my throat. “Uh, I’m not sure.” I look down at my feet, watching the ground get further and further away.
I’m scared of heights. No, I’m terrified. I forgot. How could I fucking forget? Shit. Shit. What should I do? I stare at Mac again, which apparently is the only thing I am able to do today.
He’s not looking at the ground. He’s gazing up at the sky, with a small smile on his face, like we’re in a museum and the sky is a beautiful piece of art. I can’t bring myself to look at it.
“Dennis, look how close we are to the sky.” That makes my stomach churn even more.
“Aha. Yeah, right.” Aha… Ha. I could scream and throw up and cry all at the same time right now.
Who am I kidding, what is he meant to do? Coddle me and reassure me? How old am I?
The ride does a full rotation. I close my eyes for part of it, then realise that having my eyes closed actually makes it way worse. Mac tried to talk to me, but I didn’t hear any of it. I had to put all my energy into not throwing up on him. We stop at the bottom, and I thank God for a moment before we start moving again.
“Wh- Wait, what? Why are we moving again?!” My hopes are crushed with what feels like an anvil.
“What do you mean? It’s only been like 20 seconds. We still have 10 minutes left.”
I stare at him, open-mouthed. After a moment, he coughs and I swear his cheeks turned a little rosy. Huh, maybe the sun is getting to him finally.
“10 MINUTES?! Who the fuck wants to be on this thing for 10 minutes?!”. Every feeling I have and everything I see, feel, smell and hear gets more intense. Mac can clearly see I’m panicking. I need to get off this godforsaken ride.
“Dennis. Uh. Dennis, are you okay?”
Stop looking at me, Mac. Stop talking in that quiet, sweet tone with me. Tell me to man up or something. Just look at the sky again, it’s prettier. I’m fine.
Instead, I say, “Shut up!” He does, and I want to punch him. I rub my eyes with my palms. It’ll be over soon. It’s just 10 minutes. You can survive 10 minutes.
-
We rotate 2 more times. I cannot survive 10 minutes. Mac hasn’t made a sound after I told him to shut up. I feel guilty, I always feel guilty with him.
“Mac.” Fuck, I’m such a fucking pussy.
“Yeah, what do you need?” I hate him, his voice is laced with honey. And he’s concerned, genuinely concerned about me.
“Just. I don’t know. Talk.” He understands fully, and for about 5 minutes straight, rambles to me about different things, ranging from all our favourite movies to the latest guy he went on a date with. That’s when I started losing interest and thought about other things, but either way, I had completely forgotten about the fact that I was about 100ft in the air.
That was, until, I was thrusted forward in my seat. Completely dazed, I looked around. We were at the very top of the ferris wheel… It took me about 10 seconds to realise we weren’t moving anymore.
Then, all my senses started flooding back in, the deafening noises of concerned shouting, the squeaking of our seat swinging back and forth, the blinding light from the sun, the crowd of small people scattered across the ground looking up at us, the sweat dripping down my forehead, the churning of my stomach, all of it through a blurry lens and a fuzzy transmitter.
“Mac? Why aren’t we moving?” My voice is broken and small, full of raw fear. I feel exposed and vulnerable. Fuck, this is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. He looks concerned, but I can tell it’s about me and not the situation. I’d be concerned too if I was stuck in the air with a cowardly wreck like me for an indefinite amount of time.
“I’m sure it’s fine. It’ll probably restart in a minute or two.” I don’t respond. I just close my eyes, leaning over the handlebar, making myself smaller, waiting for it to pass. Waiting until I can get on the safe, stable ground again.
-
5 minutes, and it doesn’t pass. “We would’ve been off the ride by now, man.” I look at Mac.
“I’m…” He doesn’t know what to say. God, I’m selfish. I ruined everything. “It’s fine, Dennis! You know, it’s kinda nice. It’s warm, and the breeze is great. We’ll be on the ground again in no time and we’ll drink some ice cold beers.” I find myself smiling, but it doesn’t last long as I glance at the ground again. I put my hands over my mouth and gag.
I squeeze my eyes shut and look up, my leg starts shaking violently and I tap the handle repeatedly.
Then, I feel Mac’s warm, soft hand gently placed on my leg. I could feel him hesitate before fully committing to it. Dennis 15 minutes ago would’ve whacked his hand away, but Dennis as of right now, finds it weirdly comforting, and my leg stops shaking. I stop tapping the handlebar.
Now all I can focus on is the feel of his hand, I’m not scared about the ferris wheel anymore, I’m scared of… whatever this is. I’m scared that I’m so close to Mac, and his hand is on my leg and I don’t want him to move. I open my eyes, but I don’t dare look at Mac. Again, those weird, unfamiliar feelings from earlier come back. I grab my chest, digging my fingers into my skin, trying to contain myself.
What the fuck is happening? My heart is beating like crazy. I’m not in control of my body. It’s Mac, it must be Mac. He’s been treating me like a child, I’m not a scared little kid, I’m a man. I can control myself. I grab his hand… and linger a little before shoving it off my leg.
“I’m fine. I don’t need your help, goddamn it.” In my peripheral vision I can see him start fidgeting with his hands.”
“Sorry, Dennis.” He mumbles, pathetically. God, sorry?
“Stop fucking doing that.” I’m looking off into the distance, I can’t look at Mac for some reason.
“What do you mean?”
“Stop apologising, stop just taking it. Stand up for yourself, Jesus.” I rolled my eyes.
“Fine, Dennis. I’m not fucking sorry.”
I raised my eyebrows. Is he actually doing this? I turned to look at him. His face is suddenly consumed with rage. “What?”
“I’m not fucking sorry for wanting to take you on a fun ride, and I’m not sorry that you had to wait too long in a line that I also had to wait in, and I’m especially not sorry for calming you down for half of it because you’re apparently fucking scared of heights. You ruined this fucking ride, and this entire day you have been acting like you’re stuck with me, when in reality, I’m stuck with you.” He takes a deep breath, and after a moment, looks away awkwardly with a look of regret.
I’m stunned, and angry, I feel like I should argue back. We should be having a screaming match right now. But, I just don’t have the energy.
And he’s right. He’s completely right.
All day, I’ve been whining and acting like I was forced into every situation. When, actually, I came up with this whole fake stall idea, and begged that Mac do it with me, when all he wanted to do was go with Frank and Charlie around the amusement park. He told me that he’d never been to one before, and I robbed him of a good first experience.
I clear my throat, and readjust myself. “You’re right.”
Mac swings his head back around, “I am?”
“Don’t fucking ask me, you idiot. But yeah. You’re right, I guess.” He doesn’t say anything, he just looks at me. My cheeks feel hot, and I don’t think it’s the sun.
-
A few minutes of silence passes. It feels like eternity. I sigh, loud and overdramatically. “I’m sorry, by the way.” Mac just stares at me, surprised. I’m surprised too. I can’t believe I’m doing this.
“It’s just… all day, I’ve had this weird lingering feeling. Well, I’ve had a lot of feelings today. I feel like a kid. First, I was just annoyed at you, all day. I don’t know why, it was stupid. While in the line, I was still angry and impatient but then, I felt something I’ve never felt before. I felt exposed and awkward, like I couldn’t look at you, or something. Like you were judging me for something. Then, of course, I was terrified the entire ride, except for when you were talking to me. I don’t know how you did that. But, at every moment where I was.. scared.. I felt embarrassed, like a flustered teenager. I could feel your eyes on me and I just wanted you to disappear. I didn’t want you to look at me, or something, I don’t know. Then… you put your hand on my leg, and that unknown feeling came back, but like, in a good way? But I got angry again, at everything, at me, at you. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
-
Why the fuck did I say any of that, I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Every time I looked at him, he was looking down at his lap, fidgeting. What is he thinking? Probably what a fucking loser I am. He’s probably been trying not to laugh in my face. God, I want to die.
Why do I care? Again, I’m not a teenager, stop acting like one. You don’t care about how Mac feels, you’re Dennis and Mac does whatever the hell you say, you are in control.
My heart feels like it might explode. I feel a huge, intense wave of feelings in my chest. I feel like I might scream, throw up, smile, laugh or cry. I don’t know which one it is. Maybe it’s all of them. I take a deep breath, but it doesn’t help. Every time I look at Mac, I feel another wave wash over me. I want it to stop, I need it to stop. How? I’m terrified, more than I ever have been. Of what? I no longer need to get on the ground, I just need to get away from Mac. I need to get away from these feelings.
-
It’s getting dark. Mac still hasn’t said anything. It’s getting cold and I’m shivering. Everyone at the amusement park is gone and now it’s just the staff at the bottom of the ferris wheel trying to get it working.
I’ve stopped thinking about what I said. I don’t care anymore, I pushed all those intense feelings down. I just need to get in my bed and sleep. Fuck Charlie, Dee and Frank. They all probably went home, forgetting about us completely. I absolutely would’ve done the same.
Fuck, if Mac isn’t going to speak, I will.
“When we get home, I am going to chug the most expensive alcohol we have and fall unconscious in my bed immediately.” I look into the distance, trying to spot my car in the parking lot.
I could hear Mac exhale. “Yeah. I’m not going to leave our apartment for days.”
I snap my neck around to look at him. “Look who’s speaking.” I regret that immediately because he shuts down again. Fuck me. I sigh and look away.
-
We’ve been on this ferris wheel for 3 hours. 3 whole goddamn hours. How long does it take to fix one of these things? People are starting to get louder again, shouting angrily down at the ground. “I don’t know how they have the energy to be angry right now.” I say, in hopes Mac will open up again.
“That’s ironic.” He scoffs.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Oh, it seems you still have the energy as well. I guess I was right.” He laughs slightly, his arms crossed.
“Are you seriously mad at me right now? After I spilled my guts to you like that? I fucking apologized, dude. Get over it.” God. He is irritating. His stupid face is irritating.
“You can’t just fucking dump that on someone who’s stuck up here with you.” He shakes his head, obviously annoying.
What is he fucking talking about. “What? Dump what? I talked about my feelings.” Mac is confirming every fear I’ve ever had about being vulnerable.
“Exactly. Your feelings for me!” He stares at me, and leans in, with an enraged look on his face.
Feelings?! “What the fuck? I don’t have feelings for you? Is that why you’ve been silent for hours?! God, I thought you might’ve had a small crush on me, but you’re delusional.”
“I’m delusional? Are you this fucking stupid, Dennis? Those ‘feelings’ you described, I’ve been feeling those for years, Dennis. Years. You’re right. I had a ‘crush’ on you, if that’s what we’re going to call it. But I moved on. Now, months later, you basically confess that you get butterflies around me? That’s fucked, Dennis. Now I’m stuck up here with you.”
My words are caught in my throat. I don’t know how to react. I think back to earlier in the day. Butterflies? No.. I’ve felt butterflies before. That wasn’t it.
Have I?
Oh, this is going to be stupid. “What… do,” I pause, “butterflies.. feel like?” I must be the saddest, emptiest person on earth, because Mac’s expression turns to pity. “Don’t fucking look down on me like that.”
“I’m not. Just, you’ve never felt butterflies before? Jesus…”
“Great. Just great. Thanks.”
“Okay, sorry. Fine. Um…” he turns away from me, taking a deep breath. “they feel like, well, butterflies, obviously” I roll my eyes.
“But they feel great, and also shitty. Really shitty. Like you might throw up. It feels like you want to punch them, but you want to punch them because they look just, so, annoyingly, amazing. And you want to hug them, and hold them, but you also want them to hold you. It feels like you are the only two people in the world, in the best and worst ways possible. You feel like they are judging everything you’re doing. You feel completely embarrassed and the only thing you want to do is show them how great you really are, but it also makes you question how great you really are. It’s a feeling of admiration, love, lust. Everything. But you also feel like the stupidest person in the world for even having butterflies in the first place. Like how old am I? It’s just… them. They’re nothing special. But they’re also the most special person in the world.”
I stare at him, silently.
“Nah. Definitely wasn’t it.” I shake my head, and cross my arms, looking away into the distance.
“Seriously, Dennis?” his voice went from a thick honey to a hollow shell.
All day, it felt like he was peeling away at my layers, and that was the last one. I couldn’t take him looking at me, analysing me, perceiving me anymore.
“What, Mac? That was it. You did it. What do you want me to say? Fine, that was exactly how I felt. It’s exactly how I feel, right now. Are you surprised? Fuck you.” I feel my eyes welling up. I don’t care. He’ll never see me the same anyway, I have nothing to lose. “I have feelings, okay? I have big feelings. I’m sorry if that upsets you, I’m sorry I couldn’t control them. I’m sorry it didn’t line up perfectly with your life.”
And my last bit of dignity falls off the side of the ferris wheel, smashing on the ground, seeping into the floor when I use my sleeve to wipe away my tears. This was not how today was supposed to go. I could feel Mac’s eyes burning into the side of my head.
My chest hurts. No. My heart hurts. This time, it’s not just butterflies. It never was just butterflies, it’s something else. Something more. Something terrifying.
“What do we do now?” Mac says, meekly. For the first time in hours, I looked into his eyes.
He looked into mine. We sat there, silently. This time, I could see and hear clear as day. The only thing I could hear was his breathing. The only thing I could see was his face. The only thing I could feel was…
Love.
The ferris wheel starts moving again and I’m snapped back to reality. We look around, I breathe a sigh of relief. Then we look at each other. We don’t say anything. We just wait.
We get off the ferris wheel, we don't say anything. We just walk.
We get into the car, we don’t say anything. We just drive.
We walk up to the apartment, unlock the door and we both collapse on the couch. I rub my eyes, completely dazed. My head is throbbing.
“So-“
“Uh-“
We cut eachother off, and go silent again, looking at the other waiting for them to say something. Silence. He scratches his head, I clear my throat.
“Um, I’m, uh, tired. So, I’m going to sleep.” I stand up, awkwardly smiling at him.
He quickly gets up, “Yeah, of course. Sleep. Okay.”
I try to get past him, and we do a back and forth for a painful 5 seconds before we’re standing in the middle of the apartment, each closest to our respective bedrooms.
Mac starts, “So. Goodnight.”
“Yeah.” This feels wrong. So wrong. “Goodnight, Mac.”
“Goodnight, Dennis.”
Neither of us move. I don’t want to.
He starts to turn away. I can’t let today end like this. I’m not going to be a goddamn coward anymore.
I grab his arm. I’m not sure if I regret it. He turns back to look at me. When I see his flushed face, his tousled hair, his shirt clinging tightly to his body, I know that I don’t regret it. All logic is thrown out the window. I don’t care what happens from this day forward.
I pull him closer to me. We both hesitate, only an inch apart. I dig my fingers into his shoulders, and his hands slide around my waist. There’s a weird feeling in my stomach. I know it’s butterflies.
I move my hand into his hair and gently, I push my lips onto his. I shut my eyes tight, savouring the feeling completely. His lips are soft, they taste of cotton candy. I only take my lips off his because I have to take a breath, then we crash together again, moving at a natural rhythm as if we’ve done this a thousand times. We’re as close as we could possibly get and it doesn’t feel like enough. We pull away, heavily breathing hot sticky air into each other's faces. I open my eyes, I admire his long eyelashes, his pink cheeks, and his soft, shiny lips. He opens his eyes, and I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen something as beautiful as his brown eyes.
We’re still holding onto each other. Not wanting to let go. But it’s not that simple. We slowly move away from each other. Until it’s just our fingertips.
We separate. I hesitantly walk towards my room and quickly shut my door behind me. I lean against the door. I feel the same wave of emotions earlier. But this time, instead of pushing them down or wishing them away, I choose to feel them entirely.
“I just kissed Mac. Goddamn it.” And that’s just one thing I’m feeling.