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"Do you ever worry about getting older?"
Chris was laying with his head in Matt's lap and his legs laid out atop Nick's, the three of them crowded onto their couch doing nothing in particular, talking of nothing specific. They were just existing together, as they always did.
As they always would.
When they were kids, they'd watch cartoons or talk late into the night when they should've been asleep. Even though the routines were mundane, it was okay because it was them, together.
Now that they were older, it wasn't all that different but it felt as such because they were growing. And growing up is a complicated feeling.
Matt looked away from his phone screen and down at him, words dying on his lips as he locked eyes with his younger brother. He did speak after another moment, but he had this soft, concerned look on his face that he always got when he was worried. "What do you mean, Chris?"
Nick's looking at him now, too, and now they were doing something in particular and talking of something specific. They were paying attention to Chris and talking about whatever was upsetting him because that's what brothers did.
"I'm just talking about the idea of 'growing up', I guess." he tapped his fingers against his chest, against the blue fabric of his hoodie. Well, Matt's hoodie. But the other man had only rolled his eyes when he saw that he had stolen it that morning, and then he was smiling, so Chris knew it was okay.
"Not being kids anymore. Now we're not teenagers anymore, either." he let out a huff that was suspiciously shaky, shifting his eyes so that he was staring at the ceiling above them instead of facing his brothers.
"I like seeing how we've grown." Nick admitted carefully, setting his phone on the cushion behind him and placing his hands on Chris's legs. They just sat there uselessly, not really holding him or serving any purpose, but it was a form of physical connection and physical connection mattered. "Everything we've done together."
"Yeah! Five million subscribers before we turned twenty is an insane accomplishment." Matt agreed easily, frowning at the way Chris's entire body reacted to the reminder that they were twenty now. "Growing up isn't a bad thing, bub."
The nickname is an old one, something their mom used to call all of the kids. It stuck around for him the longest, though, because he was the youngest and didn't find it as embarrassing as Nick or Matt did. It still felt like a nostalgic punch in the gut, though.
"I know." Chris replied quickly. "It's just...complicated, I guess."
"Too complicated for us?" Nick tried.
"Maybe." he whispered, and then the blonde is rolling his eyes.
"Try us." he challenged, "We know you better than you know yourself sometimes."
Matt smiled at that, giving him this little encouraging nod. His hand comes down to Chris's hair, intertwining his fingers in the locks and brushing through them.
They did that when they were younger, too. When Chris stayed up too late and curled up for a mid-day nap while his brothers were doing something more interesting, when they watched movies during spontaneous sleepovers in their early teen years.
Everything feels nostalgic when you have a whole life's worth of memories in the rearview mirror.
"You can just talk to us, if that'd help." he told him. And then they're waiting, waiting for him to speak and express his feelings in the way they always did with each other.
"You guys look back on all this stuff we've done, all these cool and good things, and it's something to be proud of. And it is." he begins, each word melting into the next like he's just learning what each one means for the first time as he says it. "But it's still change, right? Even if it's the good kind."
"What's so bad about change?" Nick leaned forward, taking his hands in his. He stops him from continuing to pull at the fabric of his shirt, giving him something else to do with his hands. Chris ends up fidgeting with his fingers as he speaks,
"It's change." he shrugs noncommittally, chuckling softly. "It's different. It's new. We're growing up. Nothing is guaranteed, and it could all be gone tomorrow."
"We're still here." Matt tries, and the genuine look in his eyes makes Chris feel loved. There was the physical affection and the way they dropped everything just to comfort him, too.
He knew what love felt like because of his family, because of his childhood. That feeling was much less complicated than growing up. For him, they're both all-consuming.
"Yeah?" Chris broke his intense eye contact with the ceiling, looking to Matt instead.
"Yeah." he smiled at him.
"We always will be, too." Nick followed up, "That'll never change."
"Even if I jump into the backseat of the car to beat you up?" Chris asked, giving him a playful look, because things felt way too serious for his liking.
"Well, I don't know about all that." he teased, causing his mouth to fall open. Chris sat up suddenly, leaving Matt's hands lingering in the space in front of him, pulling on the oldest triplet's arm so that he was yanked forward. Once Chris could get to it, he slapped his upper-back.
The whole time, Nick's trying to push him away and Matt's just watching and they're all laughing and it's just like when they wrested as kids.
It's just like the other day, when they were filming that car video.
"I can beat you up outside of the car, too." Chris told him, but then Matt's fingers are at his sides tickling him and he's falling backwards into his lap. His brothers are ganging up on him, now, and he's yelling about it being unfair but he's laughing and all that anxiety about growing up is gone, at least in the moment.
Because in the moment, they were embodying those little kids who got caught up in absurd games no one but them understood.
The fight goes on for way longer than it should've considering their age, but they break it up to go retrieve new drinks from the kitchen. And like it's nothing at all, they're sipping from cans and cups and bottles and talking chatting about whatever came to mind.
"You know that you can talk to us, right? If you're ever working through feelings like that." Matt's voice catches Chris's attention, something genuine mixed into a playful conversation filled with insults they didn't mean. He tilted his head,
"Of course." he replied a bit too fast, and then he tried again, "I mean, yes. The whole fear of growing up thing is just hard to explain. Hard to talk about, too. I get all emotional thinking about it."
"Emotional is okay." Nick hummed, lifting his cup to his mouth. After a quick sip, he's continuing, "Just don't ponder over those emotions alone. That's not good for anyone."
"It isn't." Matt agreed, and Chris just nodded.
He tilted his can, swirling the soda around so that it made a gentle sound. He stared down at it for a moment before chugging the last bit of liquid, wiping his mouth using the sleeve of his hoodie.
Matt's hoodie, but his brother doesn't say a word about it.
"I love you guys." he mumbled. "Like, seriously."
"I love you too." Nick's face softened in a way it usually didn't, "Seriously."
"Love you both." Matt finished, and then he's taking the can from Chris's hand and setting his bottle to the side.
"Hey, I can throw that away myself- oh."
And then they're hugging, Matt leaving one arm open for Nick, motioning him over. The blonde gasps softly, joining them without a second of hesitation.
Just like they've done a million times before, just like they did as kids, they tie themselves into a group hug and sway slightly. Their movements lean into each other, and the moment is so core- shatteringly sweet that Chris wonders why he was so worried in the first place.
Why would he be worried about growing up when they'd always have the little things?
They'd always have the wrestling matches and comforting words and late nights and physical affection and group hugs just like that one. They'd always have the things that made them themselves, the things that made them triplets beyond looking alike and having the same birthday.
They have a sleepover that night in Nick's bedroom, and they stay up late doing nothing in particular. And it's just like when they were kids.
Growing up is a complicated feeling, but love isn't.