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Sneaking out was harder in a boarding school than at home, Hanbin came to learn the hard way.
Not only was that lesson hard, but the cane that was currently smashed against Hanbin's bare backside (unprotected by any newspaper or whatever the other students used to make the caning session less painful for themselves) was too.
But Hanbin did not regret sneaking out, not when he snuck out with a boy like Zhang Hao.
Zhang Hao was not like what other people say he was. He was not nerdy. He did not only love his violin and music lessons. He did not obsess over studying. He was more like anyone else than they would think: he liked drugs sometimes (though that was a story, with a miserable caning session as an ending, for another time), he liked giving his friends answers during examinations, and he liked going on food festivals on weekends when they were all allowed to go outside.
And Zhang Hao definitely liked sneaking out, or sneaking in. Whatever it is, he liked sneaking.
First, Zhang Hao snuck into Hanbin's bed, situating himself comfortably or uncomfortably beside Hanbin's no longer asleep body, awoken by Zhang Hao himself.
"What are you doing?" Hanbin asked, but not unkindly. He was simply curious.
Zhang Hao spared him a cheeky grin and replied with, "Follow me."
And they found themselves breezing against the night wind on a motorcycle they stole on the roadside, going to a random food festival and buying all sorts of food with the money they took from their school's security guard's table while he was asleep.
Zhang Hao accidentally (it was completely intentional, Hanbin knew that) spilled the noodle sauce all over Hanbin, causing Hanbin to curse him out and spill his own noodle sauce over Zhang Hao's pyjamas.
They ended up spewing curses even as they rode back to school.
And to their surprise, the discipline master was waiting for them right at the school gate.
Hanbin tried his best to save Zhang Hao from whatever punishment that would be bestowed upon them.
"Sir, I was the one who dragged him along! Please don't punish him!"
"Oh? Is that so? Then your friend here can be in the front row seats to see you get punished!"
That was how Hanbin found himself on all fours in the hallway of the dormitory, with boys coming out of their rooms at the loud smacking sound of cane against skin, and Zhang Hao staring right into Hanbin's eyes as the whole thing went down.
Hanbin smiled despite it all, and so Zhang Hao did too.
—————
At assembly a week later, the principal gestured to the prefects to leave the national flag at half mast.
As it turned out, their country's president had passed away, and hence students could apply for a full day's leave to attend her public funeral.
Taking the chance, Zhang Hao looked at Hanbin's back, and Hanbin immediately turned around to stare right back at him. They both nodded and smiled, and it was decided.
They would take the day off to pretend they were grieving the late president, and then sneak out of the funeral to go explore the city.
On the bus to the funeral, Hanbin said, "I have a song to recommend."
"Oh? Play it then," Zhang Hao replied, yawning. He was about to hit the hay, already laying his head on Hanbin's shoulder.
Hanbin pretended his heartbeat was not quickening as he pulled out his cassette player, clicking play and letting the song run.
Oublie-le
Several times I've told myself
The more I try to catch the light
The harder it is to get away…
Zhang Hao snored away, and Hanbin sighed in contentment. On his lap was Zhang Hao's hand, unconsciously placed there by said boy. Hanbin resisted the urge to hold it and run circles over it with his thumb, and looked out the window.
Before long, Hanbin was knocked out too. They slept for a while, before the bus came to a stop and the chaperone shouted that they had reached.
Hanbin shook Zhang Hao awake and the latter stubbornly glued his head onto Hanbin's shoulder.
"If you don't wake up, I'll kiss you," Hanbin threatened, and Zhang Hao laughed even though he was supposed to act like he was asleep.
It was obviously a joke. People could joke like that, could they not? Hanbin was just joking. He could be called a name or two, but it was all in good humour. He meant nothing to it. Still, when Zhang Hao raised his head off Hanbin's shoulders and got out of his seat, his ears clearly red, Hanbin could not help but feel happy at his reaction.
Outside, cries and wails could be heard by the president's supporters, clearly grief-stricken by the news of her passing. Their sobs were so loud Hanbin was tempted to just plug his earpieces back in, but Zhang Hao and him had a show to sell.
Hastily, they took out their banner. Written on it was Rest in Peace, Our Beloved President .
They walked along with the other grieving citizens, and Zhang Hao scrunched his face. It took Hanbin just a split second to realise he was going to fake-cry.
Immediately after that realisation, a convincingly sorrowful cry escaped Zhang Hao's mouth, and one turned into two, then multiple. Zhang Hao was now "crying".
Hanbin decided to follow suit, trying his best to cry as realistically as Zhang Hao.
Everyone was either completely saddened or fooled by their performance, for no one questioned if they were actually sad.
They were not actually sad, for as soon as the funeral march, or whatever they were doing, was over, they sprinted off to the roads and took off into the city, yelling in delight for finally having the freedom to go around the city during a weekday.
—————
On a bridge, they saw protest banners.
They had never known people were this dissatisfied, for they were just dumb sixteen-year-olds in a world they knew nothing of. But when they saw an actual protester, shouting in a voice too deep for the feminine outfit they were wearing, they laughed.
"What is he doing? So weird!" Zhang Hao questioned in between giggles.
"Are you sure it's a man?" Hanbin asked back, laughing hard.
On the cardboard the protester was holding, it wrote Marriage is a human right, homosexuality is not a sin!
Reading it sobered Hanbin and Zhang Hao up.
The situation took a turn for the worst when policemen disguised as civilians yelled and charged towards the protester, grabbing him and dragging him along.
"Hey, what are you doing! Let him go!" Zhang Hao shrieked, and Hanbin immediately held him back from bolting towards the group of policemen.
"Zhang Hao, stop it! Don't involve yourself!" Hanbin said in an attempt to speak some sense into Zhang Hao.
A policeman in the actual uniform came to the scene and Hanbin instantly started to drag Zhang Hao away from the bridge.
"Don't butt in!" came the policeman's threat. Hanbin was already running away with Zhang Hao.
—————
"You think that protester will be beaten up by the police?" Zhang Hao asked silently, a sullen look on his face. Slumped against the bed's headboard, he picked on his fingers.
Hanbin looked at him once and then again, this time holding his stare.
"I don't know," came his equally silent reply, because he was just as clueless as Zhang Hao.
In the country they lived in, anything out of line could warrant them a beating by the police, or something even worse than none of them could ever imagine. They decided not to even bother imagining, and just go to sleep.
—————
Hanbin woke up earlier than Zhang Hao. He looked at Zhang Hao's peaceful expression and listened to his loud snores. It was so endearingly loud that Hanbin had to stifle a laugh.
Then Hanbin slowly observed all of Zhang Hao's features. The tousled hair that was only brown under the presence of light, the feather-light eyelashes that could probably hold a toothpick or two, the moles on his face that were in such oddly perfect positions, the unsurprisingly rosy colour of his cheeks, and his lips.
His lips, which looked slightly chapped. In the tiny world they lived in, chapped lips were nothing because they would be ridiculed if they took care of their appearance "like ladies". A slightest touch of lip tint would guarantee them the nickname queer . Blush and eyeliner would give them a free pass to being bullied for years to come.
All because it was abnormal and plainly wrong .
But, if it was wrong, why did Hanbin yearn to close the gap between Zhang Hao's lips and his own? If anyone knew about it, they would call him or Zhang Hao queer . As if it was wrong.
If it was wrong, why would the urge exist? Why would the urge manifest in his brain if it was wrong and should not be thought of in the first place? If the thought was there, that meant someone had approved of it to exist, and hence there was no way it could be wrong.
Right?
That was not the first time he had thought of doing such things like kissing Zhang Hao. Ever since their first meeting, Hanbin wanted to be near Zhang Hao all the time, to look into his eyes and think of how to create its colour from scratch. To hold his hand and trace the lines of it. To press his body against Zhang Hao's so that their bodies could sink into each other and be moulded into one. To hug Zhang Hao and remember his scent for years to come.
And now, Hanbin wanted to kiss Zhang Hao, so that in the future he would be able to recall how his lips tasted.
Slowly, Hanbin leaned in, until his own lips could easily leave a peck on Zhang Hao's lips.
He did exactly that.
The canopy of butterflies that exploded in his stomach afterwards gave him a sensation he could never forget.
Unbeknownst to him, someone was watching outside, through the circular plastic window on the hostel room's door.
—————
"Room service!"
Hanbin jolted even though he had already left the comforts of Zhang Hao's personal bubble of space, ending the peck anticlimactically long ago.
"Oh, thank you," Hanbin breathed out, and busied himself with shifting Zhang Hao so the worker could easily clean up everything that they had on the bed.
"What were you doing?" said the worker, as if he was just making small-talk and not putting Hanbin or Zhang Hao's entire lives in danger.
Hanbin froze. He knew. He saw him kiss Zhang Hao.
"Erm, nothing," Hanbin rushed to explain, hoping to any god up in the sky that he still remembered how to lie convincingly. "It was a dare from a while ago."
"It better be," the worker said under his breath. "We don't allow queers here."
"Oh, don't worry, we're nothing like them," Hanbin hastily replied, having to act as if being queer was the number one sin anyone could commit in the world.
"Good."
The worker quickly finished his job and went away.
—————
It was a school break for them.
They went to the cinema.
"Are you going to steal all those posters?" Zhang Hao asked more curiously than incredulously.
Hanbin gave him a nod and a proud smile.
"Okay, do it quickly, I'll keep watch," Zhang Hao said nonchalantly, and that was what Hanbin liked about Zhang Hao. He never questioned everything, as if he had seen worse. As if he had travelled the whole world and saw everything that nothing fazed him anymore.
Hanbin quickly got to work and separated the movie posters from the tape, and then passed it to Zhang Hao so he could help roll it into a cylinder, even though he was already helping a ton by keeping watch for anyone passing by.
Thankfully, they managed to take down all the posters Hanbin wanted.
Hanbin showed Zhang Hao a huge grin. "My sister would love these!" he exclaimed, and maybe Zhang Hao thought it was all worth it.
Then, they snuck into the back room because it was Zhang Hao's turn to be mischievous.
Zhang Hao marvelled at all the equipment, while Hanbin constantly looked behind his back in case the workers found them..
“Quick, Haohao, let’s go back—”
“What?” Zhang Hao said, pouting. “I thought you wanted to be a filmmaker? I brought you here so you could see how they’ll show your movies when you make it big.”
Hanbin paused, then broke out into smiles.
“Thanks, Haohao.”
Zhang Hao merely grinned and switched on the projector, which flashed light on the screen. He ran to the screen, and started monologuing in English.
“Alas, my love will always be forbidden, and I could never love you openly!”
“My dearest, I long for the day where we get to exist as just us and be with each other till the end of time, without being separated by the likes of others!”
Hanbin laughed through it all. “Nice English,” he said.
Zhang Hao playfully took a bow. He replied in English, “Thank you, thank you! Please wait for Sung Hanbin if you desire to watch the sequel to this melodrama!”
Then, as if Zhang Hao was putting out a commercial break, he started to dance, wiggling his body and moving his limbs, shaking to a beat no one could hear.
Hanbin dissolved into laughter, and in his mind, all he could think of was what he wished to say to Zhang Hao, if the world allowed it.
I am so in love with you.
—————
When Hanbin’s mother came into the room, Zhang Hao and Hanbin were asleep, limbs intertwined together as if they were one whole entangled being.
As silently as possible, she shifted the fan further away, and exited the room with a sorrowful smile.
She knew it then.
—————
Hanbin finally got a motorcycle after pleading with his mother for one.
He took Zhang Hao on a ride at night, the two of them whopping and yelling for the moon and stars to hear. Zhang Hao threw his hands into the air, feeling so happy he could run to the end of the world and shout out Hanbin’s name.
Then, as if hesitating, he lowered his hands slowly, snaking them around Hanbin’s waist.
Hanbin stopped breathing then, because Zhang Hao placed his face so close to his neck that he could basically feel him breathe.
However, the moment broke as soon as Zhang Hao spotted a car from afar. He retracted his hands and moved as far as he could from Hanbin, given the fact he was on Hanbin’s motorcycle.
All he did to acknowledge what happened was to fake a cough.
—————
School break ended and from then on, their boarding school accepted female students, and also finally allowed the male students to grow their hair out.
Of course, Hanbin and Zhang Hao both took the chance to try new hairstyles.
Hanbin walked into school, and gone were his buzzcut.
Hanbin leaned against the metal fencing separating the boys from the girls, and one of his friends followed his actions. Another grabbed onto the fencing and stared into the other side, sighing.
“Must they really separate us?”
Hanbin did not quite mind it, for reasons he dared not say out loud. He merely replied, “It’s for our sake, I guess.”
“Hey, ladies!” one of his other friends yelled from the fencing, startling a few of the female students walking by. “Don’t come closer, your beauty might blow me away!”
The female students blushed and started muttering amongst themselves while Hanbin’s other friends started to join in, leaving Hanbin out. Hanbin gladly stood in his position, paying them no mind.
His eyes twinkled when he spotted Zhang Hao just a distance away.
One of his friends must have seen his reaction, for he came closer to Hanbin and whispered to him, “Don’t hang with that Zhang Hao.”
Hanbin looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Why?”
“Haven’t you heard? He’s a queer .”
Hanbin froze upon hearing the word he feared the most. He tried to make his reaction less obvious, immediately replying, “Well, I better get going.”
“Where to?”
“To Zhang Hao.”
“What?” his friend spluttered indignantly. “Did you even listen to me?”
Hanbin merely shrugged. “I’m in Class A now, the same as him. Am I supposed to follow you guys to Class C?” Finishing his sentence, he quickly rushed to Zhang Hao and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Hey?” Zhang Hao greeted Hanbin.
“Hey,” Hanbin replied, grinning widely. “Look at your hair! You didn’t leave it that long after all.”
Zhang Hao smiled cheekily. “I like it better this way.”
Hanbin hummed. “If you like it, then I like it too.”
—————
Hanbin was getting ready to go out when his mother stopped him.
“Are you going to meet Zhang Hao?” she asked.
Hanbin nodded and went to kiss her cheeks as a goodbye.
Hanbin’s mother smiled in a way that looked sad only when observed closely, so Hanbin did not see it, way too excited to leave the house and meet Zhang Hao.
“You should see him less,” she said, because she knew.
“Why?” Hanbin replied, pausing whatever he was doing, because he did not know that his mother knew.
His mother put on a gentle smile and patted his shoulders. “You have your college entrance exams this year, you should spend the time studying, yes?”
Hanbin closed his eyes and resisted the urge to sigh.
“Okay.”
—————
“A penny for your thoughts?” Zhang Hao asked into the silence that sat comfortably in between Hanbin and him. Although comfortable, the silence was still an intruder, hence Zhang Hao tried to get rid of it.
Hanbin sighed. He had too many thoughts, none of them he could say out loud. If he did, not only would he potentially lose Zhang Hao as a dear friend, but he could also say goodbye to his future and entire life.
So, Hanbin went for the next best thing he could do. “Wanna go to a food festival?”
Zhang Hao agreed, and they were off right when the sun started to set.
On the motorcycle, Zhang Hao asked loud enough for Hanbin to hear through the noise, “If you could tell the sunset one thing, what would it be?”
Hanbin replied, “I don’t know, what about you?”
“I would tell the sunset about you,” Zhang Hao said in a whisper, but Hanbin heard it loud and clear. His heart raced faster than the speed at which he drove the motorcycle, and his ears rang with Zhang Hao’s words.
“Me too,” Hanbin concluded in a voice as quiet as Zhang Hao’s, afraid that if the world heard him, he would be done for.
Zhang Hao hummed, and that was the end of it.
—————
On a Friday night, when students could return back home if they wanted to, Hanbin went back bloodied and bruised.
“What happened?” his mother asked in pure concern and worry.
Hanbin refused to talk, so his mother busied herself with retrieving the first aid kit from a cabinet. She gestured for Hanbin to sit down, and started tending to his wounds.
Opening the bottle of rubbing alcohol, Hanbin's mother asked again, "What happened?"
Hanbin looked away but answered, "Got into a fight."
"With who?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Why did you fight?"
That was when Hanbin almost burst in anger. He tried his best not to speak curtly, saying, "They were calling Zhang Hao names. I can't just let that happen, can I?"
Hanbin's mother sighed. "You should be focusing on exams, not protecting someone."
"No, Mom, Zhang Hao is my friend , if I want to, I will protect him."
There was a slight pause as Hanbin's mother tried to figure out how to phrase her words in a way that would not scare Hanbin into lying.
"You really care for him."
Hanbin's eyes quivered just the slightest, but his mother saw it clearly.
"You love him, don't you?" came the question that would turn Hanbin's world upside down, yet somehow, Hanbin already knew the answer to it. Still, admitting it was another problem.
Before he could reply with a lie, to write Zhang Hao and him off as friends, his mother ordered, "You will stop hanging out with him."
"What? Why?"
"He turned you into… this! You can't be around him anymore!" his mother shouted, the air in the room changing.
"What?" Hanbin repeated incredulously. "Turned me into what?"
"Into a queer !"
Hanbin flinched at the term. His mother glared at him sharply.
"I was always like this, Mom. I wasn't turned into anything." Hanbin finally spat.
"You don't know what you're sayin―"
"I do know what I'm saying. The words I don't know are yours. Is it wrong to love? Is it?"
"Yes! It is! It's wrong to love the way you do!"
"Why? Why is it wrong? If it is wrong, then your way of loving is too! What's so different with the way we both love? You love dogs the way I do, you love Ludia Cafe the way I do. Now when it comes to people, I can't love someone the way you do?"
"No, you can't, because we are supposed to love the opposite gender, that's the way it is!"
"I don't like the way things are, then. I'll do it my way. I'll love who I want to, and you don't get to butt into thi―"
Slap!
Hanbin instinctively covered the spot on his face at which his mother slapped him. Tense silence settled over them, before Hanbin started to laugh.
"I remember when you used to tell me I could love fiercely. I'm finally doing that, yet you don't allow it."
"That's before I knew you liked boys !"
"Is the gender I like really that important? You told me love is the strongest out of anything, that it can transcend the toughest battles and hardships! I know I have to fight for this because the world is too fixated on things that were decided by dead people, but why, when I'm finally willing to fight for my love, you're the first opponent I have to defeat? When you used to be my biggest ally and supporter?"
Hanbin did not bother to stay for his mother's reply, already walking out the door. Just as he feared, his mother would never understand him. It should not hurt as much as it did, given how he had prepared for her reaction.
Well, perhaps he should have prepared for how he would still have tears falling down anyway.
He cried running down the stairs of his apartment building. He cried while starting up his motorcycle and zooming off to somewhere he did not know the name of. He cried while parking his motorcycle and kicking the rocks just beside his shoes, lashing out in an uncharacteristic anger, too huge and fiery for someone as kind as him.
He cried when he thought of his mother and cried even more when Zhang Hao came up in his mind.
He wondered if Zhang Hao was alright.
—————
Zhang Hao did not go to school the next day. Or the next. Or a week later. Hanbin begged their homeroom teacher to tell him the reason for Zhang Hao's absence. Only on his fourth attempt did their teacher give in and tell him.
"He took a break from school, Hanbin."
Then he was running. Running to the place he last saw Zhang Hao return to, hoping to the gods above that that was his house. Yet when he rang the doorbell, the woman who answered spoke in Malay and Hanbin did not understand what she was talking about.
He was out of options. Where else would Zhang Hao go? Food festivals were too public, he was definitely not at Hanbin's house, the cinema was out of the question. Or maybe Zhang Hao had a place where he went to for comfort, one that Hanbin did not know. Maybe while Zhang Hao was Hanbin's best friend, Hanbin was not Zhang Hao's.
He gave up while on the road, running to, yet again, god knew where.
He returned back to the dormitory with dried tears on his face.
—————
The next day, Zhang Hao came back to school.
Hanbin immediately heaved a relieved sigh and ran towards Zhang Hao, yelling out his name.
"Zhang Hao!"
But Zhang Hao did not hear him, probably, for he had not looked at him. Finally reaching him, he shouted again, "Zhang Hao!"
However, the reply Zhang Hao gave was so unexpected Hanbin was left speechless.
"We don't know each other from now on, okay?"
Hanbin stood there as Zhang Hao walked away.
For the second time in a while, Hanbin's heart broke. The first time when his mother fought with him. The second time right then.
—————
Hanbin would never not know Zhang Hao, so he looked at and for him even when Zhang Hao probably no longer considered them friends.
He found Zhang Hao in the canteen eating alone. At physical education lessons, he partnered with classmates Hanbin did not even know existed. He saw him walking back to the dormitory alone. Went to shower alone. No longer snuck out.
It was obvious Zhang Hao was not having a good time too, so why did he end it in the first place?
One day, Zhang Hao walked into the basketball court, where Hanbin was playing basketball.
Hanbin turned around to see him at the same time as when Zhang Hao looked up to see him. Zhang Hao immediately walked the other way, while Hanbin dropped his ball instantly to catch up to him.
“Zhang Hao!”
Given the loudness of Hanbin’s voice, Zhang Hao definitely heard him, but was just pretending not to. Hanbin quickened his speed and so did Zhang Hao, and right at that moment, it was almost as if they were playing catch.
Hanbin decided to just take advantage of how Zhang Hao was within hearing range from him. He shouted, “What’s wrong? What’s the problem? Tell me and we can solve it together! Please!”
Miraculously, Zhang Hao slowly stopped in his tracks. Panting, he turned around, and said, “Don’t kid me. Whatever problems we have right now can’t be solved.”
“...What do you mean?”
Zhang Hao let out a laugh. “Don’t make me spell it out for you.”
“Tell me and I can fix it!”
Zhang Hao did not even hesitate to reply in a shout loud enough for the whole country to hear, “I love you, Sung Hanbin! And the guilt that comes with it is eating me alive! I can’t be the perfect child my parents wanted. I was their only hope! And now I am exactly what everyone has been calling me. I am exactly that.”
“And it’s okay if I’m what they call me. But you? You being called that whilst with me? I can’t let that happen. So please, let’s just end this and you can be on your merry way. Love can fade away, you can do this. You can grow up and find a lovely girlfriend and you won’t disappoint your parents. You can do that! Please—”
“I don’t want that,” came Hanbin’s answer, firm and resolute. Zhang Hao, who was in front of him, was crying at that point of time. He resisted the urge to just run to Zhang Hao and hug him, because he knew Zhang Hao needed the space.
“I don’t want that, Zhang Hao.”
“You don’t know what you’re sayin—”
“I know what I’m saying. Love will fade, yes, but I still want to have a go at it while it is still blooming! We can make this work, I promise! I will make this work!"
Zhang Hao smiled and it was a sad smile. Hanbin had to smile too. They both know this could not work. Not in the world they were born into.
“If there’s another universe where we exist, maybe we could work. But not here. Thank you for saying that, but we can’t.
That was a goodbye. Hanbin knew that, because Zhang Hao looked at him in a way that felt like it was the last time he would ever look at him. Yet, Hanbin did not do anything.
He simply watched as Zhang Hao walked away, and the first tear dropped.
The next day, Hanbin did not seek out their homeroom teacher, but he was the one who announced to the whole class that Zhang Hao had transferred schools without Hanbin asking.
—————
Fortunately or unfortunately, days passed by quickly after Zhang Hao’s leaving.
Hanbin took the college entrance examinations and got into a film school, all while thinking of Zhang Hao.
The moment he got the entry acceptance letter, he ran to the nearest payphone booth and dialed for Zhang Hao’s home.
Someone picked up.
“Zhang Hao?” Hanbin called out breathlessly, as if he had just run around the whole country.
“Sung Hanbin,” came the equally breathless reply, and it confirmed that Zhang Hao was the one talking.
“How was the college entrance exams?”
“Good. You?”
“Good too,” Hanbin answered, already knowing the conversation was going to end. He looked at the time he had left on the payphone, and hastily inserted more coins into the machine.
“I have something to say to you, Zhang Hao.”
“What is it?”
“Thank you for everything. I will never forget you, or the moments we had together.”
“...”
“Thank you too, Hanbin. I wished the world was kinder. To us.”
“It will be kinder, if you wait. Will you wait with me?”
A sigh. “Hanbin, it won’t. It never will.”
“Hanbin, Goodbye.”
Zhang Hao hung up before the phone call was over. Hanbin sank onto the ground, and without realising it, started to cry out all the tears he sucked in for the past months.
Even if you won’t, I’ll still wait.
—————
Decades passed since the phone call. Hanbin graduated to work as a filmmaker, producing many films, some successful and some not.
Finally retired, he returned to his homecountry to visit his mother’s grave.
He never did make up with his mother, nor did his mother ever give him her acceptance. He moved to the dormitory at his college, and immediately after graduation, moved abroad for work. When she came down with the sickness that she had, he visited only when she was asleep, and he never stayed longer than a few minutes. When she passed, the tears he shedded were reminiscent of the times he had with her before the fight.
He was only visiting her grave for the sake of it.
Surprisingly, there was an elderly woman standing by the grave, looking sorrowfully at it.
Hanbin approached her, and greeted her.
“How were you related to my mother?” he asked her kindly, for he did not recognise her at all. Maybe she was a distant relative of his mother, or a friend, or—
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the woman said. “And it saddens me even more that she can’t go to heaven.”
Hanbin did not understand. “She didn’t do anything bad; she went to heaven, definitely,” he said, because as far as his knowledge of the Bible went, his mother did not sin.
The woman shook her head. “I still remember her smile as she talked about how she wished to go to heaven. We met up a few times when she was in the hospital. She reached out to me; I didn’t even expect to reunite with her, no matter how much I wanted to.”
The woman smiled nostagically as she continued, “I loved her smile, her eyes, her hair, her cheeks, her lips, the way she respected everyone, sometimes even more than herself, the way she’s so perfectly imperfect—”
Hanbin zoned out for the rest of the woman’s words, for he realised it then.
The woman gave Hanbin one last smile before she left the grave.
“It’s my fault she couldn’t go to heaven,” she said.
—————
Hanbin immediately recognised Zhang Hao when he first saw him after decades. He could have recognised him anywhere, even if Zhang Hao was older and more wrinkly like right then, if Zhang Hao was bald, if Zhang Hao was shorter or taller, if Zhang Hao was a kid again or a girl in another life.
And he knew Zhang Hao recognised him too the second he met his stare. He knew that if they were both different people in other lives, Zhang Hao would have still recognised him.
It was awkward when they greeted each other and made small-talk that included questions for catching up, but it was to be expected, given how they did not meet for so many decades.
“Things have changed, huh?” Hanbin mused, and he knew Zhang Hao knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Yeah, it has. Like what you said,” Zhang Hao replied, shaking his head and laughing softly.
“See, I was right,” Hanbin said, hesitating for a second before continuing, “I take it as you didn’t wait for me, then?”
Zhang Hao sighed. “Did you wait for me?”
“I did,” Hanbin answered in a speed so fast it surprised him. Zhang Hao was surprised too, given how his eyes widened.
Zhang Hao looked up into the night sky and said, “When I said love would fade away, I lied.”
He turned to look at Hanbin. Under the night sky, even with his aged face, Zhang Hao was still the most beautiful person Hanbin has ever seen.
“And I didn’t lie when I said I did wait for you.”
Staring into Hanbin’s eyes, Zhang Hao asked, “You think we can start over?”
Hanbin broke into smiles when he answered, “Yes. We have all the time in the world.”
I stand defiant outside the world
But even breathing is a luxury
If I have another chance,
I will surely love again…