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The first petals came out the morning after Akira realized he was in love with Ryuji.
Ironically, it was the same day Ryuji told him about his feelings for Yusuke. At first, Akira was surprised, but managed to keep a smile on his face, and encourage his best friend to be honest to himself and confess his feelings.
But then, the next morning, his pillow was covered in bright sunflower petals as he coughed and wheezed, gasping for air. It took him a minute to fully understand the meaning of that: he was in love with Ryuji… Maybe had been for a long while, but it took hearing that confession from his lips for the pieces to finally fall into place.
A few days later, Ryuji and Yusuke appeared at the Leblanc with bright smiles and hands joined, to give him the news about their relationship before they told the others.
It’s all thanks to you, after all, said Ryuji, unaware of the pain those words caused him. Yet, Akira giggled and congratulated them, serving them a cup of coffee and a mug of hot chocolate to celebrate, while keeping his ugly jealousy locked inside his chest.
That same night, light-purple wisteria petals joined the sunflower ones, and the meaning they carried only made Akira’s chest feel much heavier than before.
How did something like that happen? Of course, he knew how important Ryuji and Yusuke were to him, but it never crossed his mind that his feelings could be romantic in nature—at least not until he lost both of them. He wanted to be happy for them… More than anything, he wanted to show them a genuine smile. Yet, every time he tried, his lungs stung, and he had to excuse himself to the bathroom so they wouldn’t see those tell-tale petals leave his mouth.
They could never know about his feelings… Not when they were so clearly happy together. The last thing Akira wanted was to ruin it, make them feel guilty for not returning his love. If things changed between the three of them because of it, it would be much more painful than anything he could imagine—coughing petals was nothing in comparison.
So, Akira chose to endure it in silence. At first, there was nothing but a few petals. Then, there was more, and more… Then, the petals were accompanied by entire chunks of flowers. And then, by pieces of stems. And then, by drops of blood.
What at first was a light pain became stronger and stronger each day. More than once, Akira was sure it would finally kill him, but it never happened: by the end of a fit, he was always left leaning against the toilet, sobbing and struggling to breathe, but still alive—and with no more than a minute of respite before he started to hide all the evidence of his feelings.
They couldn’t know… He could endure it all, but he could never let them know.
Akira knew he could put an end to it if he wanted to. However, a surgery wouldn’t only take away the flowers, but also his chances of ever falling in love again. And, as painful as his experiences with love had been until that moment, the possibility of never feeling it again was also terrifying: part of him longed for that kind of relationship. Something like what Ryuji and Yusuke had, and the happiness they seemed to feel when they were together.
If he waited, it would go away, wouldn’t it? It had to, at some point…
He would just have to wait.
Or so he told himself. If only things could be that simple… But the constant pain and blood loss were taking their toll on him, to the point of making it difficult for him to give his all on the Metaverse. He had already said that he was tired, with a headache, or recovering from a cold… And, with each new excuse, the suspicion in his partners’ eyes only grew. He smiled their worries away, but, deep down, knew it was just a matter of time before he ran out of excuses to give.
But that was a problem for future him to deal with. For now, he would simply pretend nothing was wrong, and try to enjoy his nice days with Ryuji and Yusuke while he still could. They were in Ryuji’s house that afternoon, since Makoto insisted that they took the day off to rest and see if Akira’s “persistent cold” would finally subside. So, they were spending that afternoon playing video games while Yusuke drew on his sketchbook close to them. Being with them was always so fun… Even when they were doing nothing but talk, it was enough for Akira to feel happier than anything else.
The thought was followed by a sharp pain in his chest. After so many times, Akira already knew what was coming… He stood up quickly, covering his mouth with a hand. In a second, Ryuji and Yusuke’s gazes were on him.
“Aki…” said Ryuji. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I…” Akira almost choked on his words. “Excuse me, I need to use the—”
He tried to walk to the door, but before he could leave the bedroom a strong wave of coughs made him reach for the wall, in search of support.
“Aki!”
Akira’s vision went dark for a moment. He tried to hold it in, but it was too much. Soon, the flowers came out, falling through his fingers.
“Shit…!” He heard Ryuji’s voice next to him. “Hang in there… Yusu, help me!”
They held Akira from both sides, helping him walk to the bathroom, then lean over the toilet, while he coughed and threw up, struggling to breathe. Ryuji held him by the shoulder, making sure he didn’t lose his balance, while Yusuke gently caressed his back. It felt like it would never end… But then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Akira coughed a few more times, trying to get rid of the taste of blood that still lingered in his mouth.
“This… looks pretty bad,” said Ryuji.
Akira’s blood went cold. Until seconds before, his entire being was too focused on breathing to realize it but… They had seen it. Now, they knew.
“True,” Yusuke agreed in a worried tone. “For how long has this—”
“I’m sorry…”
Akira’s weak words made both of them look at him.
“What?” said Ryuji.
“I’m sorry…” Akira repeated. “I didn’t want you to know…”
His voice broke, and a loud sob left his mouth. Akira covered his face with a hand, in a futile attempt to hide his tears.
“Aki…”
“I’m sorry…” Akira continued. “I’ll do everything I can to stop this, so… Please…”
Don’t leave me. Don’t hate me. Don’t let this ruin things between us. He wasn’t sure of what he wanted to say, but the words stayed trapped in his throat. A long silence filled the room, only broken by Ryuji’s low voice.
“Ah… fuck.”
He knows it. Ah, dammit… How was he supposed to explain something like that?
But, before Akira could find the words, Ryuji placed his arm around his shoulders, pulling him close into a careful hug.
“Aki, it’s fine…” He said. “I should be the one saying I’m sorry… I never even realized it.”
“I could say the same.” Yusuke brought a hand to Akira’s head, brushing his hair away from his face. “I hadn’t noticed it until now.”
Akira shook his head. “It’s not your fault. You… I didn’t want you to learn about this… But it’s getting worse lately, and…” A small sob cut his words. “I really tried to stop it…”
“And what were you gonna do?” asked Ryuji. “Just suffer alone?”
“I…” Akira’s voice cracked. “I don’t know…”
Silence again. Ryuji sighed, then stood up, followed by Yusuke; then, together, they helped Akira do the same.
“Come,” said Ryuji. “Let’s go back to the bedroom.”
Akira didn’t protest, allowing them to guide him to Ryuji’s bed. Akira sat with his back against the wall, and Yusuke placed a pillow behind him, before sitting by his side. In a moment, Ryuji joined them, bringing a cup of water to Akira.
For some time, they didn’t try to make him talk, and Akira couldn’t tell if it made him feel relieved or even more anxious. After some long minutes, Ryuji finally broke the silence.
“Would it be better if… we stayed away from you?”
Akira’s chest tightened. “No… Please, don’t do this.”
“Alright, alright…” Ryuji quickly added. “Just trying to find a way to help.”
“It should stop on its own with time.”
“Did you not say it was getting worse?” asked Yusuke.
Akira lowered his gaze. “It’ll get better. I’ll make an effort to stop loving you, so… Just give me more time.”
Ryuji looked at him, uncertain. “But it’s painful, ain’t it?”
“A little.”
“Dammit…”
Ryuji brought a hand to his mouth, closing his eyes.
“Ryuji…?”
“I never meant to hurt you like this…” said Ryuji.
“Me neither,” said Yusuke. “Quite the contrary… I always wished you the best.”
Akira forced a smile. “It’s not that bad.”
He just wanted to reassure them, but instead, his words made Ryuji stare at him.
“I know it is,” he said in a loud voice, “’cause I felt it too.”
Akira blinked, surprised: that was the first time he heard about that.
“Before you confessed to Yusuke?” he asked.
“Yeah. But it wasn’t ’cause of him…” Ryuji hesitated briefly. “It was you.”
Akira widened his eyes. “Me…?”
Ryuji nodded. “Red carnations.” He showed a humorless smile. “Every morning… Took months for it to stop. But then I started to go out with Yusu, and—”
“Red carnations?” Yusuke interrupted him, confused. “But those are yours…”
Akira looked at him. “No… His flowers are sunflowers.”
Yusuke lowered his gaze, furrowing his brow. “But I am sure those were not sunflowers.”
“’Course not…” said Ryuji. “I was in love with you, already.”
“Then, that means…”
Neither of them spoke another word. Akira looked from Ryuji to Yusuke, his heart racing while his mind refused to believe those words.
“Am I right to assume…” he said. “You both had feelings for me at some point…?”
Ryuji sighed heavily. “Sure seems like it.”
Akira’s heart dropped. “And now… It’s over.”
“Not sure if over is the right word,” said Ryuji, “I guess I just gave up.”
“I never thought properly about my feelings for you, to be honest,” said Yusuke. “I know you are important to me, but… It all stopped when Ryuji confessed to me, so I assumed that was the reason. That those red petals were because of my feelings for him.”
Akira shook his head. “That was when I realized that I love you.”
Ryuji stayed silent for a moment, thinking. “The carnations disappeared when I talked to you about confessing to Yusu. I thought it was ’cause I was finally over it… I really believed I was.” He looked away. “Maybe, if I had thought better about all this…”
Ryuji grunted, frustrated.
“Ah, shit…” he muttered. “I really had no idea.”
“It’s fine,” said Akira. “It’s my fault for not telling—”
“Stop it!” Ryuji cut him. “Stop apologizing and saying this is your fault… We ain’t blaming you, we’re just…” He paused to take a deep breath, continuing in a lower voice. “We’re worried, okay? ’Cause you’re important to us.”
“That is true,” said Yusuke. “We simply don’t want you to suffer because of us.”
Akira didn’t answer. After a long silence, Ryuji raised his eyes to Yusuke.
“Hey, Yusu…” he said. “Can we talk?”
Yusuke agreed, and they stood up from the bed.
“We’ll be back in a minute, Aki,” said Ryuji. “Any problem, just call us, okay?”
Akira nodded in response, watching as they left the bedroom together, closing the door behind them. A thousand bad thoughts crossed his mind while he waited there, alone, until those two finally returned, sitting again on the bed.
“Hey…” said Ryuji. “Y’know, Aki… There’s a way we could make it work. We could give it a try if you want.”
“A try…?”
“Ryuji and I discussed our feelings for you,” Yusuke explained, “and it seems we feel the same way.”
Akira’s heart thumped against his chest. “And what do you mean by that?”
“That I have never faced my feelings for you properly,” said Yusuke, “so I suppose it would count as unrequited love.”
“And I tried really hard to push mine away,” said Ryuji, “so I guess it kinda counts too. Even if we both still love you, in some way.”
Akira stared at him. “You… love me?”
Yusuke nodded. “Turns out, feelings are a much more complicated thing than I believed.”
“Right?” Ryuji let out a nervous laugh. “But… It seems like we all kinda love each other, so… I guess there’s an easy way to end this. If you’re fine with it.”
Akira could barely believe what he was hearing. “But… Are you fine with this?”
“If you are,” said Yusuke.
He didn’t even know what to say. Without waiting for a response, Ryuji hugged his shoulders, pulling him closer.
“Aki…” he said. “Sorry I didn’t tell you before. I really thought I had no chance… But I love you. I really love you, okay?”
Yusuke reached for his hand, holding it between his. “I feel the same way, though my feelings still confuse me. I truly believed I couldn’t possibly love two people romantically at the same time, but I can’t deny that what I feel for you is different from what I feel for those I call my friends. And, if this truly is love, I will gladly accept these feelings.”
Those words were everything Akira wished, but never hoped to hear. Yet, more than happiness, they caused him a bitter feeling of guilt.
“You don’t need to do this,” he murmured.
“C’mon, man…” Ryuji pouted. “Are you really gonna reject us so coldly?”
“That’s not what I…” Akira stopped himself, looking away. “You’re happy together, aren’t you?”
“Yeah!” Ryuji moved closer to Yusuke, placing an arm around his neck, like he did to Akira, pulling both of them close. “Pretty happy. Enough happiness to share.”
His words earned a small chuckle from Yusuke. “Precisely. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, and I would love to share it with you as well, Akira.”
Despite the fear and guilt, their words brought a gentle, soothing warmth to Akira’s chest.
“Do you really mean it?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“I do.”
The honesty in their responses made Akira relax—and, with it, what little was left of his strong facade crumbled away. He cried, this time not trying to hold it back, simply allowing all those feelings to pour out of him, while those two beloved people held him close, comforting him. When he was finally done crying, he felt exhausted, as if all his energies had left with his tears. Noticing it, Ryuji and Yusuke lay on the bed with Akira between them, embracing him.
“It’s okay, Aki…” said Ryuji. “Everything will be fine.”
“Just rest for now,” added Yusuke. “We’ll be here with you.”
Akira couldn’t speak, just nod in response as he closed his eyes, surrendering to the exhaustion and the pleasant feeling of their warmth.
Akira woke up hours later, feeling much better. Ryuji and Yusuke were there, holding him gently, both still asleep. It was ridiculously crowded, with three guys lying together in a single bed, but that was far from being a bad thing. Besides…
Akira instinctively brought a hand to his lips. For the first time in months, there was no urge to cough, no taste of blood, and no petals on his pillow. He took a deep breath, and no pain followed it: his lungs seemed much lighter than what he had become used to. He couldn’t hold back a small, relieved laugh.
They truly did love him, didn’t they? It was still hard to believe, and yet, there was all the proof he needed of their feelings.
It was still dark outside, so Akira didn’t try to leave the bed. Despite not being sleepy, he closed his eyes again, simply enjoying that proximity, allowing Ryuji and Yusuke’s warmth to flow through his entire body.
And, for the first time, he thought that being in love was an amazing feeling.