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He was exhausted.
All week, the only thing he could feel was the friction between his skin and his bones, how they rubbed against each other, and it was driving him insane. Every color was brighter, every smell more potent, every screaming voice sharp and digging into his brain. It only got worse every day as the moon became fuller.
Merlin, how Professor Lupin dealt with this every month, Harry didn’t know. He would’ve asked, but the older man seemed hellbent on avoiding him wherever possible - turning around to walk away from him, or ducking into classrooms when he saw Harry pass. Maybe it was just his heightened emotions, but it irritated Harry to no end. He was the adult in this situation. Harry was the child.
If anything, Harry should be the one avoiding him, considering Remus was the one who bit him.
Harry held no grudges against Remus, but he couldn’t seem to accept that. Harry understood - it was terrifying to face the child whose life you had altered forever, but honestly, Harry just wanted to talk. Why was it so hard to do?
He just wanted to know what transforming felt like. As a new werewolf, he couldn’t use Wolfsbane, so Harry was twice as nervous for the night of the full moon. He knew it would hurt - hell, it already was, he had nearly dislocated his shoulder just from a light slip on the ground - but he needed to know how badly.
It had to hurt badly enough that the stress of it caused premature grey hairs. Harry had already found one, silver against the sea of black. He hid it under the rest of his untameable hair, just like every other indicator of his lycanthropy. Nobody could know that the Boy-Who-Lived was a werewolf, which meant that nobody could see the bite on his torso, or the scratches on his thigh that no magical salve or potion could heal.
The change from his normal, unburdened life - at least compared to that of a werewolf’s - to the new one had been hard and jarring. He had woken up in the Hospital Wing, his memories scattered throughout his mind. Still, he saw flashes.
— running through the woods with Hermione, a terrified look on her face —
— his hands reaching out to gently push Hermione in front of him —
— the thought in his head, clear as day, that said Hermione wouldn’t die that night —
— pain, screaming, the metallic stench of blood mixing with the damp smell of dew —
— then nothing.
Ron and Hermione were distraught, probably more distressed than Harry was at the moment, although that could’ve been Harry going into shock. Hermione seemed like she was about to go on a tangent about how Harry shouldn’t have pushed her ahead, but he spoke first.
“I would do it again.”
And he would. He would’ve done it for Ron, too, and they both knew it. Neither of them seemed particularly happy about that fact.
The next person to see him had been Dumbledore. The twinkle in his eyes were gone, replaced with a sort of calculating gaze that Harry disliked greatly. It made him feel like he wad being x-rayed, as if Harry’s lycanthropy was simply a minor inconvenience rather than an affliction that would ail him for the rest of his life.
Dumbledore was the one to tell him that he had to hide what had happened. Harry hadn’t expected anything better, but it was a little depressing to know he had to hide so much of himself from people. He had been looking forward to seeing Remus and Sirius, but as soon as they walked in, he wasn’t so sure how he felt anymore.
When Remus and Sirius had entered, it was very clear that they had just had an argument outside the Hospital Wing door beforehand, and they were trying to pretend that it hadn’t happened. Harry wasn’t fooled — for one, he had heard the raised voices from his bed, but also because the two adults were visibly straining from the attempt not to glare at each other. They had done surprisingly well — it had to have been practiced many times before.
The conversation that followed, however, was a complete disaster.
“Hey, Prongslet,” Sirius said, gently ruffling Harry’s mop of hair. “How’re you feeling?”
“Like the Hogwarts Express ran me over,” Harry said truthfully, and Sirius let out one of his bark-like laughs.
“Don’t worry,” Sirius continued, “it’ll get better the closer you get to the new moon. That’s when you feel the most… yourself.”
“Really?” Harry turned to Remus for confirmation. Considering Remus was the one out of the pair that actually was a werewolf, he was surprisingly silent.
Remus’ teeth were gritted. “Yes,” he said tersely, his composure breaking just a little to give Sirius a death glare.
“Really, Moony?” Sirius sighed, dragging his hand down his face. “The kid’s terrified, and you won’t even talk to him?”
“I’m not terrified!”
“You should be,” Remus said, his own hands gripping the edges of his tattered robe as if his life depended on it. “You have no idea how thoroughly I’ve ruined your life —“
“Moony, we talked about this!” Sirius said, his voice raised. Both Remus and Harry winced at the volume. Sirius saw, and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. “This was the wolf’s fault, not yours.”
“It’s one and the same, isn’t it?”
“I already said I forgive you!” Harry exclaimed, tired of the fighting. “Yeah, this sucks, but it sucks even more that you won’t even look at me. I just want to know what the transformation is like. How bad is it?”
Remus had been shocked into silence, but when he began to speak, his voice was low and tinged with regret and hidden anger. “You want to know what happens? Okay, fine.
“First, a few days before, the itching starts. Up until then, you’ve been feeling on edge for the past week, but now you can actually feel it. You can feel your bones grinding against each other, looking for some kind of release from the pressure your body’s being put under. You itch, and you can scratch, but the itch remains. No matter what you do.
“Then the aches begin. Deep, internal aches that no pain potion can reach. It’s in your very blood. Soon enough, every movement feels like a chore. Trust me, you won’t be able to go a few days without dislocating something. And you’ll feel it, even more than normal, because all your senses are heightened, crowding and overstimulating your mind.
“The aches grow into sharp stabs of pain, and that’s when you know the full moon is near. You feel like hooks have been attached to your skin and they are pulling you in every direction at once.
“But nothing, nothing, can compare to the pain of the transformation. Every bone in you breaks, twists, and reforms, and it feels like you’re melting. You’ll scream. I’ve lost my voice more than once after a full moon, and I’m sure you will too. There’s no reprieve from the pain either. You’ll transform into a wolf, and transform back, all while being awake and conscious. You might pass out from the stress after you transform back, if you’re lucky. I’m usually not.”
Both Sirius and Harry stared at Remus in horror.
“Has your question been answered to your satisfaction?”
Harry floundered like a fish, his mouth opening and closing before he stuttered out a response. “I - Professor - I didn’t - “ He didn’t know, he wanted to say, but it felt so impersonal. Besides, Harry would know exactly what he meant soon enough. It was obviously something he didn’t like to speak about, otherwise he wouldn’t have exploded like he had.
Sirius was still staring at Remus in surprise, but once he had finally recovered enough to open his mouth, Remus stalked out of the Hospital Wing, clearly not wanting to hear a word from his mouth.
***
“Harry, would you stay behind, please?”
That was definitely a surprise. Harry and Lupin had not talked properly since the day in the Hospital Wing. They had, at most, spoken five words each to the other. Ron and Hermione looked worried - as they usually did those days - but Harry waved them off, which of course meant that they were standing right outside the classroom door waiting for him.
Once the two of them had left, Harry turned to Lupin. “What do you need, Professor?” He asked innocently, as if he was just speaking to any random teacher. He wasn’t going to try and engage with Lupin if the man was going to skirt around him like he was scared of him.
The general public was terrified of what he was, even if they didn’t know it. He didn’t need one of ‘his own’ to act the same way.
Lupin took a deep breath. “Harry - I - I’m sorry. That day in the Hospital Wing, I shouldn’t have blown up at you. It was just the mixture of the moon, and an argument with Sirius - “ he stopped talking to rub his face, bringing Harry’s attention to the huge bags under the man’s eyes, bags that Harry was sure he had as well. It was difficult to sleep when your skin burns at every touch. “I’m not trying to excuse my actions. Your question was genuine and something that you deserved to know, no matter how I felt about it. It’s just - Harry, I don’t know how you could ever forgive me - “
“How many times do I have to say it?” Harry asked, exasperated, even though a small smile was creeping up onto his face. Finally, he and Lupin were having a real conversation. Granted, it was a little late - less than a week until the next full moon, Harry’s first full moon - but it was better than never. “I’ve forgiven you. I don’t understand why you continue to beat yourself up over it!”
Lupin just shrugged, and Harry got the sense that he didn’t want to discuss that topic just then. “Anyway, I also wanted to speak to you about… accommodations. Snape will still brew Wolfsbane for me, but since you can’t take it, I’ll stay with you in the Shrieking Shack.”
Harry was at a loss for words. In his mind, the stories Sirius had told him and his friends about their adventures as Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs swirled around his brain, leaving him surprisingly emotional. Their story had ended in tragedy, but maybe Harry’s didn’t have to.
“I would love that, Professor,” he whispered, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
“Call me Remus,” Lupin said. They shared a smile before Harry left the classroom.
***
Even the tiniest movements sent Harry’s entire being on fire, which was unfortunate, because the dusty, uneven wooden floor he and Lupin - Remus - were currently lying on was quite uncomfortable.
The Shrieking Shack looked much like how it had the first time, before all of this had happened, when Harry had still believed that he would be able to set his godfather free and live with him. Although, would the Dursleys even want him there? They would have to be told about his lycanthropy, surely, and there was no way they would allow him through the door.
“Prof - Remus?” Harry asked, his voice scratchy. Remus’ eyes had been closed as if he had been sleeping - he wasn’t, nobody could sleep through this agony - but at Harry’s voice, he opened them. They were a bright amber, just as Harry’s were sure to be. “Where will I go?”
“What do you mean?” He asked, his voice much like Harry’s.
“After school ends? This is the last full moon before the year is over.” He started to have second thoughts about possibly staying with the Dursleys, so he worriedly asked, “Will I have to go to my aunt’s house?”
Remus’ face darkened at the mention of Petunia Dursley. He had heard rather unflattering stories about her over the week that him and Harry had been talking, as well as a few comments from James years before. “Dumbledore is sorting it out. He’s really trying to convince them to take you back in, I’m not sure why…”
“Oh.” Harry looked distinctly disappointed. The sight hit Remus right in the heart, and just then, he knew what he had to do. It made the most sense, after all - two werewolves, one experienced, one not so much. One that could teach the other all about their new life. And, of course, Sirius the Animagi, and amazing companion that Remus couldn’t be any more thankful for. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be there for them this time, as even though the school was no longer overrun with Dementors, they had all agreed that it would be better if he stayed away from Hogwarts for a while. It didn’t stop Remus from missing him, though.
“If he can’t convince the Dursleys…” Remus started, a bit nervous to put he offer out there. He shut his eyes and went on. “You can stay with me. And Sirius.”
Harry’s amber eyes widened. “You mean… really?” His voice was quiet and guarded, as if speaking the thought out into the world would ensure that it wouldn’t come true.
“Of course. You will always be welcome. We have a small cottage in Wales - “ he grunted as a sudden pain stabbed him in the thigh - “that we stay in. It’s far enough from Hogwarts that Sirius isn’t in any imminent danger, and we can always put up more wards.”
Harry was tearing up. For the second time in a month, he had been offered a sanctuary, a place away from all his problems - almost all, anyway. He wouldn’t have to hide there, he could be himself, lycanthropy and all. “I would love that, thank you,” his whispered. He winced as he felt a sharp pain in his side, then his leg, then his chest. “I think it’s starting.”
“It is, indeed.”
The two shared one last smile before the moon took them and the torture began.
***
“Harry.”
The pain… Merlin, the pain…
“Harry, wake up.”
He could tell that at least one of his shoulders had dislocated, and his ribs and chest felt like they had been run over by Mr. Weasley’s flying Ford Anglia.
“Mr. Potter, are you with us?”
The voice echoed horribly in his brain, and he groaned in response.
“Well done, Harry. You’ve officially gone through your first transformation. You’ve been so brave.”
Harry opened his eyes to see the faces of Remus and Madam Pomfrey, the latter holding a Pepper-up in her hand. She pushed it up against his mouth and, being to tired and dazed with pain to refuse the potion, drank it, and smoke promptly billowed out of his ears.
“Up you get,” Madam Pomfrey said gently, holding onto on of his arms as Remus tentatively gripped the one with the dislocated shoulder - he winced but said nothing. The two adults helped him shakily to his feet, and even though Remus was trembling nearly as much as he was, they managed to make it to the Hospital Wing without incident.
As he was set on a bed that both he and Madam Pomfrey came to think of as his, he turned to Remus. “So, I guess I was lucky then.”
“What?” He asked, confused as he tiredly slipped into the bed next to him.
“You said that the lucky ones passed out after their transformation,” he said, smiling.
Remus smiled back, his fatigue clearly shining through. “I guess you were.”
In two seconds flat, Remus had fallen asleep.
“You should get some rest too, young man,” Madam Pomfrey said. “At least, while you can. I’m sure those friends of yours will be breaking down the doors trying to see you soon.”
Harry, for once, didn’t object to the witch’s suggestion and fell asleep, his body and mind completely spent.
***
The nap had helped somewhat, and his dislocated shoulder had been popped back into place, but Harry still felt quite unwell. He now understood quite well why Remus always took multiple days off to recover.
“Harry!” A voice squealed near him, and he flinched at the loud noise.
“‘Mione, keep it down,” another voice said, quieter. Even though a headache was quickly forming, Harry smiled at the voices of his two best friends.
“Hey guys.” He wanted to wince at the sound of his voice, but he was spending all his energy on speaking and keeping his eyes open against the light flooding in through the windows. “Are you alright?”
“Are we alright?” Ron asked incredulously. “Mate, you just transformed into a wolf and back. We should be asking you that.”
“Which we are,” Hermione chimed in. “How are you feeling?”
“Could be better,” he grunted, taking in a sharp breath as he tried to sit up. He could see in his peripheral vision that Remus was still fast asleep. “Has he woken up at all?”
“No,” Hermione answered. “You’re the first.” She hesitated, then took a deep breath before speaking again. “How… how did it feel?” Harry looked into her eyes to see concern, but also the telltale light of curiosity. Harry nearly laughed at the sight; leave it to Hermione to marvel at the gruesome transformation of a werewolf.
“I don’t remember too much, I think the pain overshadowed most of it,” he began, his face thoughtful. “It was excruciating, I remember that. It was like all my bones had twisted and melted, and then they fused back together but in a different way.”
Ron looked positively green, while Hermione still had that quizzical look on her face. That time, Harry actually did laugh. “It was quite weird to not be in control, though,” he mused. “I don’t remember anything really, but I have, like, a shadow of a memory, if that makes sense? I can recall brief flashes, but that’s it.”
“I wonder how different it’ll be once you take Wolfsbane,” Hermione said, her expression just as bright as it was before. “Will it change the transformation process? Will it affect how your bones break and reform? Will it be as painful?”
“Really, Hermione,” Ron interjected, his face disgusted, “Do you have to keep going on?” Both Harry and Hermione laughed, and unexpectedly, a rough and weak laugh came from the bed next to them. They turned to see Remus, still looking frail, but smiling.
“Hermione, you truly are a bright witch. Maybe a little scary, but brilliant nonetheless.” His eyes moved to Harry. “Much like your mother.”
Harry smiled back. His body still ached and his mind was feeling foggy at the edges, but he wouldn’t trade that moment, surrounding by some of his favorite people, for anything.
***
“Soup?”
Harry raised his head slightly to see Sirius shoulder the door open, a tray with two steaming bowls in his arms. Both he and Remus were lying on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around both of their frames. Another full moon had passed, his second with Wolfsbane. The stuff tasted foul, but the time he spent playing with Remus and Padfoot almost made up for it - almost.
“Yes, please,” Remus said, and Harry nodded. Soon, both of them had a bowl clutched in their shaking hands. Sirius sat on the ground next to the couch, his head leaning against their legs.
“Do you two want me to talk, or do you want some peace and quiet?” Sirius asked.
“Talk, please,” Harry said. The moon made him restless, even while he was recovering, and being distracted helped him massively. “But quietly. My ears are sensitive.”
“When am I not quiet?” Sirius asked, pouting when Remus snorts.
“Literally all the time.”
“Ah, shut it, Moony. You know you love that about me.” He stood and stretched, and then went to ruffle both Harry and Remus’ hair. Harry smiled and closed his eyes at the touch, while Remus glared.
“You, Sirius Black, are a bloody menace.”
“And that’s why you love me,” Sirius retorted, kissing the man on the forehead. Remus looked significantly less put out than he had before. “Also, don’t swear in front of children! You’ll corrupt poor Harry.”
Harry secretly found those moments very cute, but there was no way he would let the two of them know. “Ew, gross. And I think I’m corrupted enough, thank you very much.” The three of them enjoyed a beat of silence before Harry spoke again. “You know, Ron and Hermione sent me a letter a day or two ago. They’re going through with it. I didn’t know you had to keep a mandrake leaf in your mouth for a whole month!”
“It’s pretty time-consuming,” Sirius said, interested and impressed. “Otherwise there would be way more Animagi roaming the streets.”
“That makes sense. Apparently, Ron was ready to take a vow of silence for a month, but Hermione said that they could just use a permanent sticking charm. That way they won’t accidentally swallow it and have to start over.”
“Merlin,” Sirius said suddenly, “we should’ve done that the first time!”
“What?” Remus asked.
“We didn’t even think to do that at the beginning!”
“Wait,” Harry giggled, “you’re telling me you went the ‘vow of silence’ route?”
“Only at first,” he protested. “And it was all unnecessary, anyway! The only reason it took us until so long is because we all accidentally spit them out or swallowed them, and by that time the next storm had passed! Do you know how hard it was to stay quiet for nearly a month straight?”
By the end of Sirius’ rant, both Remus and Harry are dying of laughter. Their bodies were hurting from the exertion, but they didn’t mind at all.