Work Text:
Chapter 1 - Pop goes the Weasel
FADE IN
Int. Artifact Storage - Day
The scene opens on a wide shot of SASHA pushing open a pair of old intricately carved wooden double doors. The wooden eyes stare
[HINGES SQUEAL]
The doors swing shut behind her and she pulls an old pink feather duster from the bucket she brought in with her. With a groan she begins dusting odd, ancient-looking relics and antiques in a dimly lit, high ceilinged room, looking generally miserable.
SASHA
(groaning) I don’t wanna do this…
Her dusting methods get more aggressive as her moping turns into anger. SASHA sends a cloud of dust into the air.
[SNEEZE]
SASHA
[indecipherable grumbling] -I can’t even believe this- [more indecipherable grumbling] -Sonja- [indecipherable grumbling yet again] -not doing her job-[even more indecipherable grumbling]
[FLOORBOARD CREAK]
[DISTANT CLATTER]
SASHA stops, looking around for a moment while wiping her nose. She sighs as she decides it's nothing and pulls her phone out of her pocket. She puts wired headphones into her ears and turns on a playlist titled ‘90’s throwbacks’ and resumes her dusting.
SASHA moves on to dusting individual, more delicate looking items on pillars, humming to herself.
She eventually gets to a blue Chinese vase. SASHA pauses, staring at the intricate white lines carved on the vase and running her fingers down along them.
SASHA shrugs and carefully picks it up to dust the inside, flipping it upside down and looking at the bottom.
Camera cuts to a close shot of the base to reveal a name scratched crudely into it.
SASHA
(whispering) Gerard Keay?
[WHOOSH]
[WHUMP]
The camera pans down to a disheveled white boy laying on the floor, wearing a black sleeveless shirt, and covered in dust, coughing weakly.
SASHA
(shouting) WHAT THE SHI-
SMASH CUT
Int. Archive - Day
Scene opens to THE ARCHIVIST hunched over a messy desk shuffling some papers and then pressing the record button on an old musty tape recorder.
[CLICK]
THE ARCHIVIST
Statement of Kieran Woodward, regarding-
[BANG]
The door of the Archive crashes open revealing an irritated and confused looking SASHA.
THE ARCHIVIST
(confused) Wa-? Sasha?
SASHA
(shouting) Jon there’s a goth in artifact storage, He fell out of a vase and- i think it's Gerard but, i don’t know-
THE ARCHIVIST stands up very quickly.
[CLATTER]
His cheap office chair clatters to the ground.
THE ARCHIVIST
(even more confused) Gerard Keay?
GERARD
(in a raspy voice) Present. Now can someone please tell me what's going on?
GERARD rounds the corner grimacing as he puts weight on his left foot. SASHA stumbles backwards farther into the room as JON just stares at him in disbelief.
GERARD
(exhausted) ...What year is it?
[DEAD SILENCE]
GERARD looks to THE ARCHIVIST, then to SASHA, then back again.
GERARD
... Well?
THE ARCHIVIST seems to snap out of shock, shaking himself.
THE ARCHIVIST
(stuttering pithetically) Uh, yea- It’s uh, it’s 2015? Yea, 2015.
A beat of silence passes.
GERARD
(softly) What month?
THE ARCHIVIST
I-
GERARD
(slightly louder) What’s the exact date?
SASHA
It’s June.
Both THE ARCHIVIST and GERARD look towards her.
SASHA
June 27th, 2015.
Another beat of silence passes.
GERARD
(in shock) Okay…
(pause)
GERARD
(with resolve) Okay, where’s Gertrude?
THE ARCHIVIST and SASHA glance at each other, and back at GERARD.
THE ARCHIVIST
Gerard she…
(pause)
THE ARCHIVIST
Gertrude passed away this year. Uhm, Mid March I think. Elias said she died in the line of duty.
The beat of silence is broken by GERARD’s loud exhale.
GERARD
Well, did she at least stop the Un-
[CLEARING OF THROAT]
GERARD spins around and stumbles back to reveal a shorter man with the smuggest look you've ever seen on his face, holding a cane and rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.
GERARD’s face immediately twists into a scowl, brow furrowing.
GERARD
(growling) Elias…
ELIAS
(lively) Gerard! So great to see you! Welcome back! What a pleasant surprise!
THE ARCHIVIST
You two... know each other?
There is a moment of silence where everyone just stares at THE ARCHIVIST.
GERARD
(fatigued deadpan) Jon. I worked here for, like, multiple years of course i know him.
THE ARCHIVIST
Oh, right.
THE ARCHIVIST falls silent, clearly embarrassed.
ELIAS
(still very smug) If you two are quite finished, I do think Gerard should be going to the hospital. Who knows what being trapped in a vase for a year does to a person’s bones!
THE ARCHIVIST
Wait, how did you know-?
[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING, APPROACHING QUICKLY]
ELIAS
And that would be your ride Mr. Keay!
GERARD
(sarcastic bewilderment) You called the cops on me? That's low, even for you.
ELIAS
(relentless annoying smugness) No need to get so prickly Gerard! It’s only the paramedics. Like you said, the cops would be far too low, even for me.
ELIAS ends the conversation with a sickening smile, met with GERARD’s scowl. GERARD then exits the scene limping severely, followed by a grinning ELIAS. THE ARCHIVIST and SASHA glance at each other in bewilderment and hurriedly follow.
FADE OUT