Chapter Text
Fear changes the way people see you. They talk about their fears and then spread them to other people. They talk and they talk and that’s how rumors spread. It’s a contagious disease that no one is immune to. Everyone is afraid, they’re either putting up a front or doing what they need to get done and acknowledging that fear later. Of course, I know what it’s like to be feared. The kids at my school watch everything I do and who I do it to. There’s all kinds of things that’ve been said about me. That I beat up ten kids with just my pinkie, that I threw a kid out a window. Hell, some kid said that I started a motorcycle gang just to beat them all up so I could “leave that life behind.” Only some of it’s true though. Either way, all of these ‘stories’ have made me, Shao Daiyu, probably the toughest kid in this school. The only thing I have to worry about is my reputation.
Of course not everyone is gonna know who I am. Specifically the new girl in my class, Alice. I didn’t know why but she was the main event in my class. Usually I hear whispers about me, but instead I was seeing stares at her. I was only sitting on my desk and since there’s a desk separating mine from her’s I could only see the back of her head. I got off of my desk and walked to the side of her, just a few feet away so I could see what was happening. She was writing—writing words down on a paper and pointing at them. “What’s funny? (^^)” it read. She looked—excited; excited to laugh. “Oh, you wouldn’t get it.” A girl laughed, and then her friends. I have no clue why—but it really pissed me off. I walked up to Alice’s desk and slammed my hand down, making the entire room silent. “HEY!” I yelled. When I did this she jumped really hard. I looked at her and could get a glimpse of her whole face. When I looked at her she tucked a couple strands behind her ear. She was wearing hearing aids. So, why is she writing her words down? It’s only her hearing that she lost, right?
I looked back at the girls, unsurprised by the leader of the laughter; Mei. “Why don’t you tell me what’s so funny?” I asked, “I’m sure I’ll understand.” I faked a smile. At that moment we aggressively made eye contact with each other, which was interrupted by our teacher. “Take a picture, it'll last longer.” He joked. “Seats please.” He announced. I grabbed my backpack and tapped the kid in the seat next to Alice. “Teach says we’re swapping seats.” I say, and without a beat he picks up his bag and goes to my old desk. I plop down in my newly found seat and turn towards Alice. “Don’t think we’re friends now and you can be all ‘buddy buddy’ with me because I’m being nice to you.” I said, putting my head down and turning away from her. I could feel her hair move against my elbow so I’m assuming she said yes.
I fell asleep but that ended when there was an annoying tapping sound on my desk. “What?” I answered, annoyed. I could hear a paper sliding towards me. Of course it was her. I could hear her tapping become louder and faster. “Okay, okay I’m up!” I stretched. I sat up to see we were the only ones in the classroom. I opened my eyes to read the paper.
“Lunch is almost over!!(ㆀ˘･з･˘)” it read, and I looked back up at her only to roll my eyes. I put my head back down and tried to sleep again. A few seconds later she slapped me on my back! “WHAT THE HELL?!” I yelled, standing up. She covered her ears. “I told you once and I will tell you again; we are not friends.” I shouted. Alice slowly dropped her hands from her ears. “Now leave me alone.” I said, leaving the classroom. I walked to one of the vending machines and tried to buy something to eat, but the machine wouldn’t accept my dollar. I tried over and over again but it wouldn’t take it. I kicked the machine in hopes to knock some sense into it and get some anger out. To my avail, nothing worked. I turned around to walk back and saw Alice standing in front of me. “What’s your problem?!” I asked, “And I thought I said to leave me alone.” I looked at her, annoyed. She then began to reach into the pocket of her skirt and pulled out a folded paper. “Go ahead.” I sighed, folding my arms. She unfolded the paper and held it in front of my face. “I’m sorry. T^T” it read. I grabbed the paper and shoved it in my pocket. “Such a crybaby.” I thought, laughing. I began to walk back to the classroom and sat in the same seat. Alice soon entered after me and beamed when she saw I was still in the same seat. She ran to her seat and sat down, turning to me. “Hey, remember what I said.” I huffed. She rolled her eyes and made an angry face and mouthed “not friends!” Then quickly changed to a happier face.
When the school day was over I started to walk home by myself as I usually do. When I heard a stampede of steps behind me and quickly stopped to turn around. It was Alice, coming at full-speed towards me. “SLOW DOWN!” I yelled, questioning why I even said that. When Alice finally reached me and ended the acceleration by hugging me. I didn’t know what to do, so I kind of just stood there stiffly while she hugged me. On the plus side, she smells nice. Which is weird for me to think. I tapped her on the shoulder quickly and she understood and backed away. “Why were you running away?” I asked. She then grabbed my hand and turned it over to my palm. She started to trace letters in my hand. It was a tingling feeling that made me feel weird inside. I could barely focus on what she was spelling. I began to worry if my hands were sweaty, if I smelt good when she hugged me, or why it felt like there was an empty spot in my stomach . All meaningless things that I began to think about over and over. I quickly pulled my hand away and wiped it on my pants. She gave me a confused look, so I told her not to worry about it. I started walking home trying to empty my head, when I realized Alice didn’t follow me. Maybe I’ve watched too much TV.
I kept walking embarrassed at how many times I’d thought about that stupid girl in such a stupid amount of time. I finally got home and was very happy to see I remembered the key. I unlocked the door and locked it back once I entered inside. “DAD!” I yelled, “OLD MAN!” I yelled again, looking around. I set my bag down and went into the kitchen. On the refrigerator there was a note left on the door that read, “If you’re reading this you’re home from school, I’ll be home 20 minutes later than usual so enjoy some food I stole from grandma’s house. Love you, Dad.” I opened the fridge to see a to-go plate and opened it before placing it inside of the microwave. While waiting for my food I sat in the living room and looked for something to watch. I finally settled on a romance that happened to be on. As I was watching the sound of the beeping microwave pulled me out of my sleepy state. I got my food and began to watch TV while I ate. The male lead was currently dying of embarrassment about something they said to the female lead. Oh boy, could I relate. Well she’s not my love interest, but it was really embarrassing. I yelled at a deaf girl to “slow down.”Of course I have to be nice to her now! I’m an asshole, not a monster. I began unwillingly playing that moment over and over in my head. Not to mention why I got that empty feeling when she held my hand. It must be because I haven’t been gentle with them, with all the fights I’m getting into. I checked the time and 20 minutes was long overdue. I saved my Dad some dumplings and a couple sushi before heading to my room and finishing up the night . I took a shower and changed into some comfier clothes and laid in my bed. After multiple attempts to fall asleep, I went to my final solution.
I grabbed one of my pillows and laid it vertically next to me. I hugged the pillow and could not believe I resorted to this. It’s not hugging that pillow that puts me to sleep, even though it’s part of the comfort. It’s the thought that somebody hugged me to relax both of us. Boys at my school don’t really see me as the cute girl they tell their friends about. More as the keep-away and keep it that way girl. Because of how I act and seem, having a crush on me isn’t even on their mind. Now, getting crushed by me? That’s probably the first thing they think of when they hear my name. When I hug my pillows I like to picture people I want by my side but aren’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve talked to her a lot throughout the day, but I think maybe—just for a second, I pictured Alice.