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Billie pounded on the door, but there was no way out.
“She’s gonna get through that door. And she’s gonna kill you, then she’s gonna kill me.”
Cas stares at Dean’s face illuminated in the brief light, anguished and scared. Sometimes he felt like he knew that face better than his own, he had rebuilt it from scratch once, the freckles on his skin as clear as the constellations he had helped create. He what he had to do to save him.
Time was running out for him, so he took one last moment for himself to truly see him, his face may have been contorted in pain, hopeless in the face of death herself, but still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.
“There’s something. One thing strong enough to stop her.” he can make this his happiest moment, as long as Dean was there it was always possible, “I made a deal.”
He couldn’t take his eyes off Dean, it was something he had always struggled with. He was like a moth to a flame, if he got too close it would burn him, and he was about to do just that.
“Ever since I took that burden, that curse.” A tingling feeling started behind his eyes, briefly his vision blurred with his unshed tears, “The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”
These feelings stirred from the very depth of his being, what he felt ever since he succeeded in his task of saving Dean from the pit, from the moment he laid that first touch on Dean’s broken and beaten soul that shone despite its scars. Back then he couldn’t begin to understand the emotions he felt. But here, now he had to put a name to them. Dean’s life depended on it.
He at least had the comfort that his death would free him. “Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. Just saying it.” And after all these years he finally could.
“I know how you see yourself, Dean. The same way our enemies see. You’re destructive, angry, broken. Daddy’s blunt instrument.” In raising Dean from the pit, he had witnessed his soul, and the view he had of himself was so skewed from the reality.
“You think hate and anger, that, that’s what drives you. You think that’s who you are.” A result of his father’s hand, even now years after John was gone his presence had a hold over Dean. Cas could only hope that his words would be heard, one final time.
“But it’s not. And everyone who knows you can see it.”
“Cas?”
He couldn’t let Dean interrupt, not now, he had to finish what he was saying. Dean’s life depended on it.
“You’re the best and most caring man on earth.”
Billie’s fist sounded harder on the door than her previous attempts. The warding would only hold for so long, and he was running out of time.
“You changed me, Dean.” The wetness on his cheeks told him those unshed tears had escaped and begun to fall. But he couldn’t bring himself to care.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean’s eyes glistened with dampness, a perfect match to Cas.
“Because it is.”
The heavy weight on his chest finally started to shift, with these final words he could lift it. His fate was already sealed, if he could use his last moment to save Dean then it was worth it. His death would have served a purpose.
“I love you.”
“Don’t do this Cas.”
But their time had run out. There was the sharp sound of wood cracking as Billie broke through, and Dean was too close, the empty couldn’t have him too.
“Goodbye Dean.” And happily, he accepted the empty’s embrace and his fate with a smile on his face.
-
“Everything you’ve ever done, the good and the bad, you have done it for love. That’s who you are.” The pounding was louder now, the door wouldn’t hold her for much longer.
“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you.” Dean had allowed him into his family, something he held precious and Cas had loved every moment, because of Dean he knew what the love of a family felt like.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” His green eyes were illuminated by his tears in a way that made them shine like emeralds.
“I love you.” He could go now, content with the knowledge Dean was safe. His sacrifice was worth something.
-
“You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” The tears are now streaming down his face.
“I love you,” and he lets the empty take him, with a smile on his face.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”
Cas has to do this, his death must mean something.
-
“I love you,” and he’s gone.
-
“I love you,” but he’s happy.
-
“I love you,” his chest was bursting with openness, unburdened at last. The happiest moment of his life, now forever tied to his last.
-
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
That was. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice was louder, clearer than it had been before.
“Please man, you gotta listen to me and wake up,” his voice was hoarse, desperate, “I love you too you dumb son of a bitch, so you better wake up because after I kick your ass we are going to talk about this. And I have a lot to say. You can’t just leave a guy hanging like that, especially like that.” The anger in his voice was overpowered by the force of the concern he was emanating.
Cas knew how this went. After all, this was his happiest moment, but Dean’s words weren't part of the script. This wasn’t how the story went.
“Dean?” he asked.
“Cas,” he let out a light breath of relief, “that you?” His face changed, and for the first time in this scene, Dean smiled back.
“How are you here? We’re-” now that the scene had stopped playing he was able to think, and he remembered what the truth had cost him, “We’re in the empty. Dean, how did you get here?”
A disbelieving laugh escaped him, “You really think you’d be able to sacrifice yourself and we wouldn’t come after you,” his voice was thick with emotion, “If so you’ve really not been paying attention to how we do things in this family.”
Right, they were like family, Cas knew what that meant, Dean had told him many times that he was like a brother to him. He had seen the lengths Sam and Dean were willing to go for each other, he should be grateful to be included in such a bond.
Something in the room started to shift, the walls melted away and the further he distanced himself from this memory of his happiest moment the more awake he became. The empty was losing its hold on him. Yet again Dean had done the impossible, this time to save him.
A solid grip on his arm sharply broke the remainder of the illusion. Now it was nothing but him and Dean in endless nothing.
“You with me?” Dean tightened his grip on his arm, showing no sign of letting go, “Come on. We have to go. Now.”
He didn’t even have time to register the fact he had started moving, his feet moving of their own volition as Dean dragged him along. His vision blurred and he almost faltered. His time here had disoriented him, the echos of his memory bleeding into his surroundings.
“Dean, wait stop.” He dug his heels into the ground. Dean was determined to keep them moving but slowly Cas was regaining his strength. “You know about the deal I made. If I go back, it could cost Jack his life, and I won’t risk that. I just won’t.”
“Cas look, you’ve gotta trust me here, we’ve got a plan and we were all on board with this idea before I left. Jack is safe, we made sure of that. So start moving please.” His pleading tone was offset by the force he pulled Cas with.
No words passed between them but the air was thick with things both now said and unsaid.
The Empty truly was just that, and aside from the two of them, there was simply nothing, not even time existed here. There were no means to measure just how long they had been walking for. When the golden break in the darkness appeared before them it felt like seconds and days had passed.
He paused in front of the portal. He trusted Dean and his plan but that gnawing feeling in his stomach, worry over the repercussions this could have on Jack were hard to shake.
“Yeah, this ain’t gonna be like last time,” Dean said forcefully, “This time you’re going through first.”
Cas found himself tumbling through air. Dean hadn’t hesitated to push him through the open portal, giving him no time to think before he felt the cool tile under his cheek. Looking around he recognised one of the long empty corridors belonging to the bunker. Before he could figure out just where the portal had spat him out in the expansive underground building Dean emerged from the golden break, which immediately disappeared behind him.
“What the hell was that man?” he shouted, “You can’t just say something like that to a guy and then just fucking die. That’s not how this goes.”
“Dean, I-”
“No.” he interrupted reaching down to pull Cas up. Not once breaking eye contact or releasing his grip on the lapels of his coat.
“No?”
“No, you got your big dramatic speech whilst I listened, now it’s my turn. I get to say my piece and you are going to shut up and listen, Because I need to say this.” Dean took in a deep breath preparing himself.
Cas took this brief second to prepare himself too. He steeled his resolve, ready for the rejection to come. Of course, Dean would rescue him, he was family, but he didn’t return his feelings. Why would he?
“The one thing you want, that you know you can’t have.” his normally confident demeanour had softened, this was the Dean that he had gotten to know in private stolen moments, “Did you ever stop to ask me, because you had me Cas. You always had me.”
“What are you saying?” he asked confused.
“No remember, I’m the one doing the talking now. So you gotta let me say this on my terms.” Dean paused, he had always been more a man of action than of words, but now he had to say it. It was the only way to resolve this.
“Cas you’re my best friend and I was so happy that you were willing to give me even that.” his words tumbled out like he was finally opening a dam that had been blocked all of these years. “I spent so much of my life with no one but my dad, Bobby and Sam and even then I never really let them know me, the real me, because I thought if they did. They would leave me. Hell, they actually did.” he choked out.
“But you,” he smiled at Cas, “you came into my life at such a terrible time and even with the rough start between us, there was always something different about us.”
Tears wet Dean’s face now, soaking his lashes and blurring his eyes, Cas was sure he looked no better. “I often think about the pair of us sat on those benches after the summoning of Samhein.” Cas tilted his head to the side, confused at where Dean was going with this. “You trusted me, told me you had doubts and when you asked me not to tell another soul I didn’t because I liked that there were things just between us. I never had anything like that before that wasn’t my brother.” he sniffed bringing his hand to his face in an ineffective attempt to wipe away his tears.
“You rebelled against Heaven, Cas, against God. You are the bravest person I have ever met.” his voice carries more confidence now, “You told God himself that this was our story right from the start, and I’m so sorry it took me this long to realise it.” he stopped attempting to control his breathing, though Cas could tell he wasn’t finished yet.
“Dean, It’s not your fault. After everything I did, with Crowley, the Leviathans and working with Heaven again.” his voice fell to a whisper, “I tried to fix things but all I ever seemed to do was make things worse for you.”
“Do you know what the worst part of all of that was,” he asked.
Cas shook his head, so far all of this conversation had been rather unexpected and he had no idea where Dean was going with this.
“The worst part was I needed you, and you weren’t there.” his words were raw now that he was fully opening himself up, “That first time when I found you as Emmanuel, Cas I almost cried, because despite the anger I wasn’t alone anymore. I needed you and there you were.” the smile he gave Cas now tinged with melancholy.
“Dean you had to know that I would have done whatever I could to help you,” assured in himself he took a step forward. They had always been physically drawn to each other and now he wanted to be as close as possible, “Whatever you needed I would have done. Without hesitation.”
“God you still don’t get it do you?” he said angrily, voice raised desperate to be heard.
He matched Dean’s tone, “What don’t I get?” he understood Dean perfectly, “When you needed me I did my best to be there. In Lucifer’s crypt, you helped me break free by reminding me what I had to do. You needed me, I was a powerful ally against Heaven and-”
“That’s what you think I meant when I said that?” he interrupted.
“Cas,” he whispered, gentler now his anger had dissipated, “that day when I said I needed you, it had nothing to do with how useful or powerful you were. It was you that I needed. I’d barely seen you since we’d gotten out of purgatory and all I wanted was to be near you, to have you with me.”
Oh, it was all falling into place now.
Dean moved so that their faces were inches apart, so close he could feel his warm breath on his skin, “Cas, I need you. I need you like I need air.”
He didn’t know who closed the gap between them but it didn’t matter, not when Dean’s lips were on his. It was a soft kiss, gentle as a summer breeze, moving together seamlessly finally on the same page.
The deal he made had meant his last moment should have been his happiest, but if he had known Dean’s mouth on his would feel like this, just being was nothing compared to having this.
Dean pulled back whispering, unable to break the spell that had formed around them, “I know I was bad at saying it before, but I’m saying it now. Stay, please, I need you to stay.”
“Yes”
And with that Dean moved quicker than Cas could register. Pushing him against the wall, devouring his mouth like a man starved, and Cas bathed in the honour of being loved and wanted by Dean Winchester. All around them, sparks rained down, reminiscent of their first meeting. Cas could live in this moment forever but he knew that whatever the future held, it could only get better from here.
Darkness enveloped them as they drew apart remaining in each other's arms. Dean’s sweet laughter filled the hallway, “That gonna happen every time we kiss?”
He grinned, “I can’t make that promise.”
Even through the dark, he could see the light of Dean’s smile, still chuckling as he looked up at the now burst lightbulbs, “I think your little light show might have gotten the others attention.” Their hands found each other as Dean tugged him along, “And I’m not the only one who missed you, and I will not hear the end of it if I keep you all to myself,” for a second he brings them to a stop, “no matter how much I want to because now we have time.