Work Text:
“Atsushi-kun, where are you going so early?..”
Kyouka said—as she saw Atsushi leaving their shared apartment so early.
“Ah, kyouka-chan—did I wake you? I just have something to sort out. I won’t be gone long, you can go back to sleep”
Atsushi said, giving Kyouka one last soft smile before departing. Kyouka knew that Atsushi was still not okay after finding out about the death.
He was still processing his emotions during that situation. Not knowing as to why he had cried when Dazai said that. The headmaster was anything but a father figure to him—he abused him, to the point where he would even wonder why the headmaster still kept him alive.
Someone like that didn’t deserve to have tears shed on his deathbed. But Atsushi couldn’t help the tears that streamed through his eyes during his headmaster’s death.
And right now he carried a small bouquet of flowers—in front of his headmaster’s grave. He didn’t have the courage to attend his funeral—although he did stand by the sidelines to avoid being seen by the people who did attend his funeral.
“Sorry Headmaster, but I don’t think I can accept these…”
Atsushi said as he laid out the flowers in front of the tombstone of the headmaster, someone who—was his only guardian during his childhood. Not like that gave him the excuse to abuse him.
“Dazai-san told me….that I might have seen you as a father during my childhood. And that’s why I couldn’t stop crying when you died. But…”
Tears streamed across Atsushi’s cheeks, tears that were mixed in with anger and frustration.
“Why do you deserve to be mourned?! Because of you…because of you I constantly wake up to nightmares…..you’re dead and yet….I still see you in my weakest moments. Why should I lie and say that you made me stronger? When all I feel is pain whenever I remember my horrible past. I shouldn’t be crying over you, I should be h-happy—I should celebrate that a monster like you is finally dead…..but why do I feel sad?....”
At this point Atsushi’s knees just gave up and he now sat on the grass, crying over the person that caused him so much harm during his childhood. He didn’t want to think that the reason he became strong was because of the headmaster, he wanted to think it was because of his own effort that he managed to be strong.
“I…I just wished you could have protected me in a different way…..”